Monday, October 28, 2013

Alarms

I've been having one main issue with my boyfriend lately. Besides the fact that he stresses out way too much over things that really aren't that significant, I have to deal with another set of hateful parents. At first they were kind and appeared to like me, but now they are making it increasingly clear how much they do not want me in their son's life.
His mom told him that she would rather he sleep around at college than have a steady girlfriend. I think they do not appreciate that I am pulling their son away from them but he's not a child anymore. I thought it was normal for a while but now it is starting to feel extreme. I think they actually hate me.
I found out that his mom and dad were trying to dictate where he lives. They told him he was not allowed to get an apartment until they were ready. He went ahead with it anyways. His roommate told his own parents about me being here with V, and then they told V's parents. They threatened to take away his car and stop paying for insurance and cut him off completely. I had to go home for a while. But everyone knows I can't put up with my parents. I was going to be there for months but I coudn't stand it.
His parents would not give him information for his financial aid, (this happened sometime before we were dating I think), and told him they would do it. They set it up so that his financial aid money would get sent to their house. They had joint accounts with him since he was a teenager and check his account balance and activity. They kept complete control over his life. Keep in mind, my boyfriend is 19 years old. I am still sometimes on the fence about how normal this is because I can understand how parents are so concerned for their children and he is their only child, but it seems to be getting out of their control and they are trying as hard as they can to hold onto him. It may not be my place, but I think 19 is a good time to start to let go.
Last weekend they told him that if he came to visit me at my parents, they would take away his car. His car wouldn't be as important if he hadn't just gotten himself a job that he needs to drive to. The job is essential if he wants any independence and they know it. He also secured us an apartment for in December.
He has a friend I am actually pretty fond of, as far as boyfriend's bffs go. I will call him T for now. T has a two room apartment with his sister and her fiance. They are changing colleges at the end of the semester and asked us to take over the lease for them. So we are going to move in half way through December. That means I will have a home by Christmas. Even if my boyfriend loses his job, his financial aid will cover rent, so this isn't an if, it's a when. This is a promise to me that can't really be broken. I will finally have a home, maybe not my own room, but an actually place to belong where my name can be on the lease and I won't be able to be kicked out unless no one pays rent. It feels good.
Luckily, my boyfriend did the last few things I needed to feel secure. His parents cannot affect my future if they can't control his. I felt like they had some control over me but they can't interfere with us getting an apartment unless they somehow keep him from being able to withdraw money from his bank accounts, which they have access to. So I asked V to do these two, last things for me. He got his own bank account without his parents names on them. These are bank accounts they can't touch. Then, he went to the financial aid office and changed the address on the papers so that any financial aid money comes here, at the dorms where he lives. They don't know yet. But it doesn't matter.
I feel like I have covered everything. I do not like people who try and control other people. I also do not like people who try and control me.
They told him, knowing I was listening, that they did not care if I was homeless and on the streets as long as I wasn't here with him. They told him that all of this stuff about me should have set alarms going off in his head. Being a dropout and having bipolar disorder, they said, would have set anyone else running in the other direction.
You haven't been hated until you have been discriminated against for who you are, for your mistakes and your health disorders, for things you cannot change, for the parts of yourself that you can't change and will never be able to ignore. It's okay when people call me fat or stupid because I can change the way I look and I know I am intelligent, lies do not bother me. It's the truth that really cuts deep. It will forever fascinate me how people who have it all, think nothing of those they run down in their path.
But I will be strong, and I will get through this. It's hard to hear, but I know who I am, and what I am, and I know that I am not worthless, and I am not the person they want me to be so that they can look down their noses at me. I know my worth and I don't have to let anyone take that away from me. His parents don't matter. I am secure in knowing that I am loved, and that I will be taken care of. That's what matters.

Facing Facts

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like a broken record every time I get on here. There is nothing positive or uplifting about anything I write and I know it. I feel like this is me sending an S.O.S. to the world, broadcasting it like a radio signal in the apocalypse, waiting for somebody else to respond so that I don't have to be alone in this cruel, hard world. But I think maybe it just makes me feel lonelier.
I think most of the time in my real life I just act like nothing is wrong, like nothing wrong can happen. It's my way of coping. When nothing seems to go right, I feel like I am not allowed to cry or show weakness. I can't express myself in a negative way. The world has enough of that. But then, I think that's why I'm here right now; because everyone around me can't see the negative. I can't let them.
Are there anymore good people in this world? I know the answer to that. I know there are, they just seem to be all the wrong people. The good people are the people like me. They are rare or broken or in the wrong position to help anyone and that's what makes life so hard. The reality is, not many people have the time or the money or enough of any other resource for that matter, that they can help everyone who needs it. So I have fallen between the cracks.
I love the way I am. I just want to be me. It may not be easy but I love me, because I have been me my whole life. Why would I want to be anybody else when I know everything about me that is good and bad, and all of the secrets and moments that make me so wonderful. But everybody else wants me to be someone I am not.
I need to get on disability to get by, but they will not allow me into the program without medication. The medication will not make me happy. There is no magical happy pill. It can only make things bearable. It can only make me numb to whatever makes me feel so out of control, but will also take away the parts of me that make life so worthwhile and exciting. They want to put me on lithium, but I will have to take regular blood checks to make sure it is not killing my thyroid. I have a good chance of ending up that way anyways. Then I will have to take hormones to fix that. But also, if I want to have children someday, which is only a few days down the road, I will have to go off of the medication so as not to harm the fetus. I will go through withdrawal and have to deal with the bipolar disorder for 9 months. By then, the positive coping mechanisms I have learned thus far will be distant memories instead of habits anymore. If I want to breastfeed after those nine months, I will have to stay off of it for longer. I am at high risk for postpartum depression. Then I will have to go back onto it again, but if I want to have more than one child, it will only be short term. I can't ride that roller coaster my entire life.
But I have to face the facts. The bipolar is bad. The lower moods that dominate my life during the colder months especially eat at me. They make it hard for the people around me. I wonder if I can really raise children that way, have a family that way. Can I make it?
I have to ask questions like, what will it be like for my family in the future if I am on a constant roller coaster? What will it be like for them for me to go off and on medications my entire life? Is it even possible to have a normal life without medication? But being on medication is surely not easy either. There is really no way to win here. It feels like a lose-lose situation, and I wonder which way would be less hurtful to those around me. I have my future to think of, my whole life ahead of me to plan and try and make the best of.
For now, I am too afraid to try medications. They have never helped me before, and the implications of my future are looming over my head. I don't have an address to give the doctors office if I tried to go, and it seems like I need to wait before making any decision this big. I am going to try to cope on my own. I have been doing okay this past year and it seems like things could be okay for a little while, maybe.
It's so cold here. I am enjoying the fresh air for once.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Life Is Chaos

So, the appocolypse of my life has finally happened.
V's parents found out that I was staying with him in his dorm and are about ready to disinherit him if I don't leave. We are not able to get an apartment until at the very earliest, January. And I finally got kicked out of the apartment. R moved into my room and if I want to live there, I have to sleep next to K, his sister. There is no room in the place for my things. I would have no way to entertain myself either.
I was planning on going back there to escape from the drama of V's parents for a while but now I am homeless again. I can't stay in this dorm. If V gets caught with me living here, we could both get kicked out and there would be nowhere to go for him either then.
I can't go back to my parents obviously. That place would kill me. I was so sick there and my mom never even noticed that I hadn't eaten in five days or so. My mom made it clear she has no time or money to help me in any way. I can't get onto disability because I can't afford medication or doctor's appointments.
Wow, my life has really gone to hell.
On the plus side, my period finally started- TEN DAYS LATE. What a heart attack.
I don't think it has really hit yet...