Thursday, September 26, 2013

Fear

Right now I am sort of panicking and I feel I have no place else to go to talk about it, even if nobody actually talks back. I can't tell V that I am worried. I would just make him worried.
My period is several days late. We used protection but I always worry when it is late. And it has never been this late before. I am told it can be late for many different reasons. Some of which can be a change in surroundings, or a change in physical activeness. Those kept me sane for a while but now V is asleep and I am alone with my own thoughts.
I came back to the college with V, and am currently staying in his dorm room, sleeping under his bed. I'm not supposed to be here so if I get caught living here I can get kicked out. My options after that are sleep in his car, or on the street. It is several hours away from the apartment which I can't stand to live in any longer. It's also getting colder, and the closer to winter it gets, the worse my manic lows get. Because I am bipolar this can be extreme. I get suicidal. I lose my will to live. Depression takes me over.
I don't have the money to go to the doctor or get medications, and that might be dangerous anyways because half of the medications I tried put me in the hospital and the other half gave me side affects that may as well have put me in the hospital. It's been a tough ride.
I haven't really spoken to my family since I left their house nearly a month ago. My mother has not called. They just don't really think of me or something. I don't know. But either way I feel forgotten. I feel like they have moved on, like I knew they would, and I don't want to interrupt their new life with a phone call from the old one. All I have ever done to them is make them worry and make trouble, and be an inconvenience to my mom. I can't ask for money anymore, even if I need it. I have just enough left in my wallet for another few months to cover my phone and that's it. If I need feminine products, I will have to take it from that, which puts me down another month of phone service. I won't make it past November.
V thinks he can get us into an apartment possibly before my birthday at the end of October. At the latest, he can get one in December or January because then the new semester will start and he can use the financial aid that would normally go towards the dorm room and convert it to rent, which is actually cheaper.
If I am pregnant though, I can fuck up his whole life. If I left him I would fuck him up, and then I would have nowhere to go. If I stayed with him, he would have to drop out of college and lose everything. His parents would be so disappointed, and I would be the high school drop out who led him astray. Honestly, I can't deal with being pregnant. If I really were, it would be really bad. As if life isn't hard enough with the bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder and all those other disorders.
What am I doing?
On the weight loss front, I have been doing terribly. I gained it all back pretty fast and I got a chance to weigh myself at the apartment when I went back to get some things over the weekend and I was 166 pounds or so. Disgusting! I can't believe myself!
I have no way to weigh myself here either so I feel like I am putting on the pounds like crazy, and no matter which way I look at myself in the mirror, no matter how many times V says I am beautiful and amazing and look perfect the way I am, I still feel like a fat fuck and a fat fuck up. I feel like I am failing every day. I don't even have to see myself in the mirror to be aware every second of just how awful I must look. It doesn't even particularly matter what other people might think of me. I don't care as much if they think I am fat, I just want them to think good things about me and notice me for those things. I want to be the best. I want them to look at me and think how skinny and gorgeous I am. I am my biggest critic though. I want to look good to me, for me. If I look in the mirror when I wake up, and any part of me looks too big, or just, not small enough, that day is already over.
I'm done ranting or whatever I am doing now. I will try and post again soon since I have been sadly neglecting to keep everyone up to date.

1 comment:

  1. Hey sweetie, please try not to put yourself down. In relation to potentially being pregnant, maybe it be best to take a test? That way you will know what your options are sooner either way, and if you're not pregnant you won't need to worry anymore. As for having nowhere to live, I can relate, because that has been my situation lately. Just remember that you never know what is going to happen, things are going to get good for you.
    Take care <3
    Alice xx

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