Tuesday, August 27, 2013

9.4 pounds lost in 11 days

I came to visit my parents for a few weeks. I think I am in a state of dissociative anxiety or something. Nothing feels real and I can't get back to reality. I feel like I am in a big movie theater and everyone around me is moving around on a screen and they can talk to me and I can talk back but I feel so disconnected.
It's very strange.
Anyways, due to that I think, I decided to lose weight and it just happened and it feels way too easy. I weighed myself about eleven days ago at around 165.2 pounds. I know I was higher than that on a day before that. Maybe it was water weight. Today, or I guess yesterday, I weighed myself at 155.8 pounds. I have lost about ten pounds. I stopped eating as much. I decided I HAD to be skinny. I started eating just fruits and things, and then I started to eat maybe two different meals a day, like say, some fruit earlier on and maybe something else later.
I failed a few days and ate too much, but I added it up and rounded up and came up with 1400 or less I think. I didn't count much though, maybe to estimate. I didn't weigh myself either. I summed up the motivation and kept going. After eating two things a day, I went down to one. That day, I ate a little drum stick and a little bigger piece of chicken and that was it. Then on Sunday, I ate nothing all day. Nothing. I waited to eat until yesterday afternoon and I had a bowl of cereal, which felt like way too much because I added a little more cereal afterwards to soak up the milk. It seems like such a large bowl of cereal. I haven't slept yet either.
But I can't believe I lost so much, and yet, I wish I had lost more. And I am going to try and lose a few more before V gets here to bring me home on Friday. But I have four days. I would have to lose more than one pound a day to get under 150. But if I can do that, I will be about 13 pounds away from my low weight.
I maintained at around 140-145 all last winter and I felt amazing. This time I will do better. I will go lower, but if I can get down there around where I was at my lowest weight, I will feel so accomplished. I really can achieve anything.
Right now I am 18.8 pounds off from my lowest weight of 137. Before, it was almost thirty. I feel so close. I can't give up now.
Ten whole pounds!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Old man might not be able to make rent this month so internet has been cut off and tomorrow is my last day with my bf, V, before he goes back to college.
I feel like I must be 170 pounds and it is killing me. I will lose lots once he leaves I am sure.

Monday, August 5, 2013

You're beautiful
Don't change
It's the inside that counts
And that matters

No need to count pounds
No need to measure
To judge
Guilty pleasures

To dance around
With your eyes closed
Looking and touching
Too small clothes

No need to hate yourself
You have a great personality
You aren't fat
Time to face reality

You say those words
I hear them
But can't understand
Because while you speak

Your eyes find fault
With my body
My shape
My weight

Each pound of fat
On my hips
That you don't have
You fear them

Miss size three
Hear me speak
Hear me know
The havoc skinny girls

Like you will sew
On girls like me
With hearts so big
It overflows

I'm just not
Like you
Yet
But I will be

I'll be the skinniest,
The prettiest,
The boniest,
The wittiest

You will envy me
Warm and sweet
Shivering in summer
The image of Elite

I will dance
Looking 'round
For your key
Unbound and free

Saturday, August 3, 2013

I feel sick. I don't know what else to say but that I feel sick with myself. I had sex with V. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. I KNEW. Yet I did it anyways. I don't know what made me do it. We have been together maybe three weeks. I am his first. What is wrong with me? I am going to be here at his house with him for another day or two too. I don't know what to do. I want to shut down but I can't let him know how I feel seeing as it was his first time. Why do I have no self control? I am totally breaking down at the moment but I can't reach out. I just can't get myself to do it. I am a wreck.
I guess I will find my mp3 player and just try and fall asleep like he is right now.
How discouraging. I just hate my life right now. I hate myself. This is not very healthy talk...