Sunday, July 28, 2013

Just watching him sleep calms me down. There is something there. I don't know what it is but I want to find out. He keeps scrunching his eyes tight like he's in pain or something and it makes me think about what I see when he is awake and his eyes move so fast and it's like I can see him thinking. He's got such long eyelashes...
I'm not sure what I am doing, but I don't want to screw this up.
I wish I could sleep. I think I am going to be up until late tonight. I can't sleep at all. I am finally calming down from the music but I feel a deep sadness that just seems to keep me from settling down enough to sleep. Today is going to be rough. I can feel it coming.
I have started rating my lows on a scale of 1-10, 10 being attempting suicide, and 1 being a small panic attack. It helps me keep track of it a little better because there is such a vast difference between them but they are all some kind of low. I was hitting 9's and almost 10's before I got into this relationship and getting out of the last one brought it down to a few 3's or around there. Lately, going back to the apartment I have been having some 5's, which is nothing serious but still sucks, and I think I just came out of, or am still in a low around 6 or 7. This is all just babble, but my point is that I thought about suicide for a moment there. I just wanted to quit so bad. I wonder if it is about my family leaving or the fact that I need to work on getting on disability this week, or the inevitable winter that is going to be so alone. V is going back to college, a few hours away, in three weeks or so now. Then I may get to see him once a month until Christmas time. I don't know how I am going to survive. My phone is going to get shut off in a month or two, and I don't know what I will do after that. I'm going to be all alone the majority of the time. I am terrified of that. At least I am not having a panic attack again. I am just resigned to my depression at the moment. Just like everything else, I am just going to have to wait it out.

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