Saturday, July 27, 2013

I am so sick of being fat. I am sick of feeling like every day is empty. I am sick of feeling like I am doing nothing with my life. I am so sick of life. I am sick of everything. I am sick. I can't deal with life. I can't deal with existing, or with myself. I need to learn to cope better but even then I can never see myself being normal again, if I ever was that. I can't see myself getting better.
I want to starve. I want to cut. I want to suffer. I want to feel pain and have pain and be a pain and I am all over the place. I am frustrated and restless all of the time. I don't want to face another day of trying. I don't want to be a failing artist. I miss the darkness and yet it has found me, just in a less clean and pleasant place than before. Every day seems to burn me down and dry me out. I feel old and worn and rusty and dirty. I feel bruised and lonely and lost. The heat gets to me like a cold seems to coat all of your insides until you feel nothing but a cruel wanting to be somewhere else and something else. I just want it to be winter. I want the cold.
But I keep telling myself that if I just starved I could feel better. The food I eat just seems to keep me warm and sick. It keeps me from feeling free. I feel like it traps me and holds me down. Food feels like chains suffocating my wrists and ankles and dragging me down until I am tired of fighting but still have to. I want to feel empty and clean. If I stopped eating I could stop feeling sick. If I stopped eating I could lose weight. If I stopped eating I could feel cold again. If I stopped eating I could feel better about myself.
I want clothes to hang off of me instead of my fat. I want protruding bones and pale skin. I want to be able to wear layers of clothes, even in the brightest, hottest, most miserable part of the day and still shiver.
I crave to be tiny again. And after that? I want to be tinier.
It doesn't take much. Just a little self control for a few days can satiate my thirst for a time, so that for just a little while I can feel pretty and special and effortless again. I would like to be able to give anything for it, but I am scared.

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