Sunday, July 28, 2013

Just watching him sleep calms me down. There is something there. I don't know what it is but I want to find out. He keeps scrunching his eyes tight like he's in pain or something and it makes me think about what I see when he is awake and his eyes move so fast and it's like I can see him thinking. He's got such long eyelashes...
I'm not sure what I am doing, but I don't want to screw this up.
I wish I could sleep. I think I am going to be up until late tonight. I can't sleep at all. I am finally calming down from the music but I feel a deep sadness that just seems to keep me from settling down enough to sleep. Today is going to be rough. I can feel it coming.
I have started rating my lows on a scale of 1-10, 10 being attempting suicide, and 1 being a small panic attack. It helps me keep track of it a little better because there is such a vast difference between them but they are all some kind of low. I was hitting 9's and almost 10's before I got into this relationship and getting out of the last one brought it down to a few 3's or around there. Lately, going back to the apartment I have been having some 5's, which is nothing serious but still sucks, and I think I just came out of, or am still in a low around 6 or 7. This is all just babble, but my point is that I thought about suicide for a moment there. I just wanted to quit so bad. I wonder if it is about my family leaving or the fact that I need to work on getting on disability this week, or the inevitable winter that is going to be so alone. V is going back to college, a few hours away, in three weeks or so now. Then I may get to see him once a month until Christmas time. I don't know how I am going to survive. My phone is going to get shut off in a month or two, and I don't know what I will do after that. I'm going to be all alone the majority of the time. I am terrified of that. At least I am not having a panic attack again. I am just resigned to my depression at the moment. Just like everything else, I am just going to have to wait it out.
I'm scared of relationships.
I don't know what I am doing here. I am terrified of where this might go, and yet terrified that it won't go anywhere. I liked V at first, and now I am wondering if that is still there. I need space from him. He is no longer new and shiny, and this relationship has already dragged out for 2 1/2 weeks and I feel like whatever I once felt is somehow missing. I am floundering, grasping for those initial feelings. I hate being lost but I seem to have been born without a sense of direction.
I am turning into a germ freak again. I want to avoid it but every thought and occasion brings up more reasons to fear the floor that I walk on, the people I touch, and even the very air that I breathe has been contaminated in some way. I want to hole up somewhere safe and untouched by the unkind things of the world.
Every touch feels dirty and wrong. Every kiss feels uncomfortable. His gaze makes me want to be alone. His caresses feel like gropes. It has nothing whatsoever to do with him this time. I know that. He has never done wrong by me. He has never, nor will he ever hurt me in that way.
I have come to realize that my last relationship with D was abusive. It was sick and wrong and hurt me deeper than I care to admit. All that time, it was rape. It was not making love, nor was it just sex. When he touched me I felt like a whore, like all he wanted was to ravage my body in a way that I was not meant. He was like an animal. I never wanted sex. Never. The entire time, I felt that I needed him in other ways and let him have his way with me otherwise. I remember hating him for always wanting those things. He defined sexual things as sex, and everything else was innocent. I never wanted to touch or be touched. I was willing to please, but not eager to pleasure. I always said no but he would pressure me and press for it until I could no longer say no without making him angry and when he got angry I felt that it was my fault. The first time I did it with him was in the back of a car. I remember the guilt that came afterwards. I remember crying after several of these occasions. I remember feeling as if I had been violated, and not understanding why. I hadn't wanted to say yes. But I did. Technically, since I said yes, and never put my foot down, it could not be considered rape, right?
All of that time I felt dirty and no matter how many times I showered the feeling would not go away. I wanted to scratch all of my skin off, and when that didn't work, I tried to get it off by scalding my entire body with the hottest the shower would go. I would contemplate pouring gasoline over my head and clarifying myself by burning everything off. I didn't care how ugly that made me. I wanted to be ugly so badly. I wanted him to look away from me with disgust for once, instead of eyeing me like a wolf. I was the meat.
Losing all of that weight last winter was a desperate attempt to make me feel better about myself while at the same time, trying to waste away until there was no meat to look at. I wanted to be bony and unappealing, but the fragility of it, the idea of looking the way I felt, I just couldn't get enough of that. It ate me away.
I want to be tiny again, but perhaps that only comes with a feeling of abuse and neglect and I'm not sure it's a good idea to face that again.
All of that is still raw to me and it doesn't seem to be boding well for this new relationship. All the same touches from someone who I know truly cares, seems to hold the same feelings nagging at the back of my mind, no matter how hard I try and ignore them. I think I am over 160 again and it's killing me.
My family left on Thursday. They are now in another state. They are gone. My mom didn't want to spend any money with a storage space like she'd said before to comfort me, so I picked what could stay and sent the rest with them. I feel really alone. I feel abandoned.
I think what I am feeling can be defined simply, as fear. I am scared right now.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I am so sick of being fat. I am sick of feeling like every day is empty. I am sick of feeling like I am doing nothing with my life. I am so sick of life. I am sick of everything. I am sick. I can't deal with life. I can't deal with existing, or with myself. I need to learn to cope better but even then I can never see myself being normal again, if I ever was that. I can't see myself getting better.
I want to starve. I want to cut. I want to suffer. I want to feel pain and have pain and be a pain and I am all over the place. I am frustrated and restless all of the time. I don't want to face another day of trying. I don't want to be a failing artist. I miss the darkness and yet it has found me, just in a less clean and pleasant place than before. Every day seems to burn me down and dry me out. I feel old and worn and rusty and dirty. I feel bruised and lonely and lost. The heat gets to me like a cold seems to coat all of your insides until you feel nothing but a cruel wanting to be somewhere else and something else. I just want it to be winter. I want the cold.
But I keep telling myself that if I just starved I could feel better. The food I eat just seems to keep me warm and sick. It keeps me from feeling free. I feel like it traps me and holds me down. Food feels like chains suffocating my wrists and ankles and dragging me down until I am tired of fighting but still have to. I want to feel empty and clean. If I stopped eating I could stop feeling sick. If I stopped eating I could lose weight. If I stopped eating I could feel cold again. If I stopped eating I could feel better about myself.
I want clothes to hang off of me instead of my fat. I want protruding bones and pale skin. I want to be able to wear layers of clothes, even in the brightest, hottest, most miserable part of the day and still shiver.
I crave to be tiny again. And after that? I want to be tinier.
It doesn't take much. Just a little self control for a few days can satiate my thirst for a time, so that for just a little while I can feel pretty and special and effortless again. I would like to be able to give anything for it, but I am scared.

Friday, July 12, 2013

I broke up with D. I am now dating V. What a weird week...
I am back at the apartment now and I am going to be fasting a lot. I want to lose a good 5-8 pounds by whatever time next week I get to see V next.

Friday, July 5, 2013

High School Friend V Intro

I have this friend from high school and I met up with him the other day with another friend, and then I ended up ditching her because she was trying to manipulate me into doing things that I don't care for.
We will call him V.
This guy is sweeter than anything.
I meant to go to his place to hang out until my bf could call and pick me up, since it was closer to where he was so it would save him gas. My bf promised to take me to see fireworks last night. He never actually called.
V's parents are away on vacation and so I am actually staying at his house. I slept next to him in his bed last night. He makes me feel special, and even better, there are sparks that there never were with my current bf. We didn't do anything, because at the moment we are just good friends, but it has been such a vacation from my life and my worries to spend all this time with him.
I am done dealing with my bf at the moment. I am so done with the way he has been treating me lately. We haven't talked and for once I am just going to wait until he calls me and see what happens from there.
V is making sweet offers of help, and trying to tell me that he will always be there for me. I feel like I fell for that already twice and I don't want to be comforted by what feels like more empty promises.
Fool me once, blame on you. Fool me twice, blame on me. What about the third time?
There is something else in this equation though. While with both H and D, (my ex and current bf), I only just met them and were friends with them for merely a few months at most, fully knowing that they were interested in me before we dated. Now, I am not going to be dating this guy necessarily, but if I were to end my current relationship, and I can see us possibly becoming an item. I am not entirely sure what I am doing or what is going on. I am not making any decisions or changes at the moment.
I will however, point one thing out.
I have been friends with V since high school. We were friends for several years and that is a much better background indication of character than what happened with H or D.
Life is so confusing right now though. My mom does not want to rent me a storage space anymore, and I don't think my bf is going to help me with my things and so they will probably go with my parents to another state until such a time that I can take it all back which could be years at this point. I also have no idea, since my bf seems to be withdrawing and unwilling to help me anymore, how I am going to pay for my doctors appointments and my parents will be out of state. How do I get myself into these situations?!
I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do anymore either. For now I will just enjoy my time with V and try to relax and forget. Hopefully everything will work out for me.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Adriana Lima

So, I was on YouTube watching the different years of Victoria Secret fashion shows, and one model in particular stood out to me. Adriana Lima.
I looked up her statistics and here they are.
Height: 5'10
Weight: 123 lbs.
measurements: 34-24-35
Dress size: US size 4
Bra size: 34B
BMI: 17.6 (underweight)

I would have to be about 105 pounds to reach that bmi, and the reason the weight difference would have to be so different is because I am several inches shorter than her. I also saw differences between resources. Some sites say she is 112, some say she is 120. Either way, she is skinny an beautiful.

What really amazes me is that she is married and has two daughters and was still able to look that way after two kids. She also did a fashion show about seven weeks after having one of her daughters. Then I am amazed at how she was able to stay so tiny and still get pregnant, and then have a full term healthy pregnancy with no side affects to the baby. It gives me some hope that I won't end up 200+ pounds permanently, if I ever decide it's time to have children.

I am finally losing weight again.

I knew the 160.0 I got on the scale yesterday was a fluke. (Maybe I hoped more than I knew...) I was right!
I guess it was all water weight. In this case, I guess it was diet coke weight haha.
I lasted the full 24 hours of the fast and then lasted another seven hours, merely because I didn't have the chance to make food for myself. I am eating right now though. I am excusing myself with the fact that I really don't want to starve for forever, and then the moment I lose control and binge gain it all back. Fasting makes the metabolism put any food eaten afterwards right back into reserve. I want to lose the weight and keep it off.
So I am having ramen noodles at 380 calories but it is super filling. Then I am going to try another 24 hour fast after that.
And finally, I would like to reveal my current weight as of this morning. It far exceeded my expectations at 153.0 pounds. I lost seven pounds!
I maintained my calories at a normal level for a few days and so it is possible that the scale really was showing the truth. I think I may have been at the lowest, maybe 156 the last few days. This is because I wasn't restricting enough to have drastic weight loss, just a little. On the 26th, five days ago, I was 157.6 pounds and since then, each day in order I had 880, 1450+, 690, and then 990 calories. I think the fast caused me to lose up to three pounds in one day. Either way and math aside, I am really pleased. Hopefully I can be under 150 in the next week which would feel like a miracle, and be just amazing.
I am actually surprised at my progress, but thinking back, I always was good at losing it fast when I really wanted to. I was able to lose 10 pounds in 5 days on many occasions.
The way I see it, the faster I lose it, the easier it will be. If I let it drag out too long, I will start binge eating and gain back the small amount I will have lost, and maybe more.
The faster I get to my goals, the sooner I can start managing my intake and increasing it to prevent massive food cravings while maintaining. Maintaining at this point would be just too much to handle though. I want to lose so much weight...
I took pictures at 160 when I restarted and when I reach 150 I will take some more pictures and maybe post the difference. I might just wait until I reach one of my ultimate weigh goals first, and then post all of them at once.
I've really noticed my hips showing up again and it feels so good to see them. It's like seeing old friends.
I'm a bit of a chatterbox today I guess.