Sunday, June 23, 2013

I've been doing a lot better lately, and a lot worse. I've fallen into a state of depression in which I can convince myself that I would rather die than have a home any longer. I know I won't die from it but I still want to starve myself into a tiny little thing.
I was stuck at 160.4 and then I just kind of snapped. I walked for several hours that night and decided not to eat anymore. I didn't sleep that night but I stayed up until the next night and in that time I consumed less than 600 calories. I was 159.2 the next morning.
Yesterday I came back to the apartment and only had 600 calories, and then before going to sleep around noon today, I had a cup of noodles for 300. I thought I was going to be up all day though. The old man bought me cheese pizza and I would hate to not show I was grateful so I ate three pieces just now, but managed to throw away the last part of the last piece. I still feel gross though. It was a large pizza so I think it was more like 900 calories!
I have been feeling so hungry the last few days and loving it. I have felt light headed, and very dizzy which I missed so much and I am determined to get that back for today. So, I will not be eating the rest of the day.
I'm also going to try and renew myself as a person. I want to be the person I once was. I hate who I have become. I am not a selfish person, and it doesn't suit me well.
Anyways, I just thought I would update.
I hope everyone is doing better than I am. :)

1 comment:

  1. I know you've plateaued for a while and forgive me if I'm jumping the gun here because I don't want to offend you... but could you be pregnant? My best friend was in her second trimester with no other symptoms besides a little indigestion and unable to lose weight.

    I promise myself every night that it's going to change and I'll do better. but then my bf's mom cooks some huge breakfast or fatty lunch and I feel just awful telling her "I'm not hungry" all the time. She takes it as not being appreciative which isn't the case. I do appreciate her cooking. And sometimes I wish I could just be normal and eat regular things. But then again I don't want to just look 'regular'. I want to be thin.

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