Sunday, June 30, 2013

In my world, it is always winter.

In my world, it is always winter. Even now, just into summer when the heat is so smoldering I am sweating inside the apartment. I can see snow falling in my mind's eye, and I can almost, if only for a second feel the dry, cool breeze that blows it in. Maybe the reason that I am feeling this way again is because I feel like the farther into myself I withdraw, the less alive I become. I like the cold and the dead of the winter season, and even without blossoming with life it seems that there is still a powerful magic at work, even though it does not show on the surface.
The only food I have left at hand is some noodles which take preparation. There are no more snack foods around, and no money to buy them with. I didn't last the full 24 hours but I starved for quite a while and felt dizzy and sick, and yet I felt better. I had no more than 1000 calories which is my total for the day, and I am confident that I can do a full 24 hour fast now, or maybe longer. Something scared the crap out of me yesterday and that's why I ate. It was a mini binge but at the end of all that food I was full feeling and sick. I can at least look forward to a reduced stomach size as a result of the fasting. My stomach is no longer used to large calorie binges. It is quite satisfying.
At the moment, I have not eaten in probably at least 12 if not 15 hours and it feels good. My stomach hurts from being hungry and I can ignore it. I've had dizzy spells since eating which feels amazing. It isn't the actual feeling that I like, but the accomplishments it implies.
My bf brought my scale over last night and it is sitting in my top drawer where no one will go, and I can take it out and weigh myself when nobody is around, which happens at least once every day.
After eating I weighed in at 160.0 exactly, which was disappointing but I will attribute it to any number of things and hope my number will be somewhat better next time I weigh. I know my body is changing. I can feel my hips again for some reason.
I am so ready to be tiny.

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