Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I am sitting here at 4:30 in the morning. I laid in bed for hours and just couldn't sleep. I was too hot or too cold or had too much energy. In the morning, 11 a.m. to be exact, I have a doctor's appointment. I am going to ask about support to get on disability. This is making me anxious.
When I called to make the appointment, the receptionist sounded so surprised when I mentioned disability that I felt like she was laughing at me. She probably took one look at how old I was and inwardly figured I was an idiot. Almost half of the people who go on disability do it for a psychiatric disorder (mental disorder) though. I wonder if anyone even knows that...
My history should say it all. After freshman year in high school I could no longer hold it together and my grades plunged. I dropped out after two years of getting no credits. Last year I was in the hospital twice for attempted suicide. I overdosed on a bunch of pills at least 100 times or so all throughout my teenage years, hoping anything would get me out of life. It's pretty sad that I was that naive for that long.
I got really sick one of those times. I have taken probably at least 50 ibuprofen at once on two different occasions. I can't handle a job. I had a job for three months tops before I got fired but the manager was never satisfied with me anyways. I had several panic attacks and cried every day that I had that job. I spent at least a year sleeping next to my ex on a dirty mattress in a dirty apartment because I had nowhere else to go. I lived in a homeless shelter for maybe a week and I couldn't handle that either so I left.
I have a panic attack every time I think about getting a job and would rather die than get one again because it stresses me out so much. I cannot cope with everyday life. I can't even handle going to the grocery store without someone to go with me.
When I got tested for learning disorders and mental disorders, the doctor who did all of the tests gave me my results in paper, and it mentions if I were to ever go back to school I would need to ask specifically for help and I shouldn't take more than two classes at a time or I won't be able to handle it.
I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, math fluency disorder, cognitive disorder NOS.
I think all of this should be plenty of reason to go on disability. I need more help than I can get where I am, and hopefully disability can help me. I am hoping it can give me the tools to move on with my life, and maybe one day go to college and be successful. But as I see it now, I am not going anywhere.

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