Sunday, June 30, 2013

In my world, it is always winter.

In my world, it is always winter. Even now, just into summer when the heat is so smoldering I am sweating inside the apartment. I can see snow falling in my mind's eye, and I can almost, if only for a second feel the dry, cool breeze that blows it in. Maybe the reason that I am feeling this way again is because I feel like the farther into myself I withdraw, the less alive I become. I like the cold and the dead of the winter season, and even without blossoming with life it seems that there is still a powerful magic at work, even though it does not show on the surface.
The only food I have left at hand is some noodles which take preparation. There are no more snack foods around, and no money to buy them with. I didn't last the full 24 hours but I starved for quite a while and felt dizzy and sick, and yet I felt better. I had no more than 1000 calories which is my total for the day, and I am confident that I can do a full 24 hour fast now, or maybe longer. Something scared the crap out of me yesterday and that's why I ate. It was a mini binge but at the end of all that food I was full feeling and sick. I can at least look forward to a reduced stomach size as a result of the fasting. My stomach is no longer used to large calorie binges. It is quite satisfying.
At the moment, I have not eaten in probably at least 12 if not 15 hours and it feels good. My stomach hurts from being hungry and I can ignore it. I've had dizzy spells since eating which feels amazing. It isn't the actual feeling that I like, but the accomplishments it implies.
My bf brought my scale over last night and it is sitting in my top drawer where no one will go, and I can take it out and weigh myself when nobody is around, which happens at least once every day.
After eating I weighed in at 160.0 exactly, which was disappointing but I will attribute it to any number of things and hope my number will be somewhat better next time I weigh. I know my body is changing. I can feel my hips again for some reason.
I am so ready to be tiny.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Actually, I changed my mind. Why do I even bother eating? Honestly?
I don't like eating and yet I force myself to do it anyways, just every once in a while. It's no wonder I haven't lost anything. I am going to try a simple 24 hour fast, and maybe add in some sodas or juices if I want to do a longer one. I never really got into the fasts before but now I want to try. I should be okay as long as no one tries to force feed me again. When people give me food, I can eat one or two bites and then take it into the room and throw it away in secret, or I can do that to begin with.
Now I am excited.
It takes hard work to lose weight. I want to lose it as fast as possible.
So, I messaged at least four friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. I might hang out with some of them on Tuesday. I am so proud of myself for being more sociable. It will be easier to lose weight with more to do anyways.
Lately I have been letting myself revolve around my bf but being clingy isn't going to make him stay and I know that's one of the big reasons I drove my ex away. I don't want to repeat past mistakes. So yesterday morning I took my anxiety meds (take as needed, not a big deal) and they helped me sleep all day and I woke up around when my bf gets off work, but I didn't even message him. I didn't really think about it much either. I messaged a friend from across the states who I haven't talked to in several months, and then my bf messaged me on his own. It's such a small accomplishment but it felt so good to know that he was thinking of me anyways. He might even come see me today. I don't know.
So the hot water heater probably won't get fixed until at the earliest, Monday. I felt so sick and disgusting that I went and took a cold bath. It was so cold! I figured it would be like trying to get used to the water when one first gets in the pool but oh my...! Then I got cold water in my ears and I have been dizzy and nauseous since. But I am clean. It feels soooooo good to be clean.
On a different note, I am trying to eat smaller amounts. I can usually keep it under 1000 calories but I would like to get it closer to 500-700 every day. Preferably, I would like to consume 500 or less a day, but we'll see.
So far today, I have had 690 calories. Not great, but not terrible either. I have been up since last night but I don't know when I am going to bed. I might wait until after seeing my bf to go to sleep, so I might allow myself another low calorie snack to keep myself going.
I've been having whole wheat pita bread lately. It's 200 calories and looks like more food than two pieces of bread. It seems more filling that way. I like to add a little salsa which is extremely low calorie, and then drink some diet soda.
I will be tiny again. It's only a matter of time. I am determined!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I've never felt so pathetic in my life. Actually, I have and that just makes me feel worse.
H broke up with me at the end of 8 months together. Me and my current boyfriend just hit our 8 month anniversary and I am just waiting for him to realize I'm not worth it. It doesn't help that I have no life and no friends and so I have nothing to pass the hours and am left to face my own misery head on, not being able to avoid depressing thoughts that beat me down to a whimpering fool by the end of the first ten minutes of my day.
This is stupid. How do I let myself get this way? I need to get back in contact with my friends and get something going in my life again.
I am also waiting for the old man and K to clean the apartment fully, (I would help if I only knew how), so that the hot water heater can get fixed, and the air conditioner, and get a new laundry/pool key. Perhaps then I will be able to go swimming every day. Some exercise could do me a load of good.
I keep trying to think of a way out when really I should be thinking of ways to cope.
I'm just living off of low waves where no matter how much I talk myself through something, I just can't keep going. Bipolar disorder sucks.
Also, I found out I had only lost one pound since six days ago and binge ate today. Not badly, but bad enough. I suppose 157.6 pounds isn't too bad, considering I have been stuck above 160 for a while now.
Stay thin everyone. <3

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I feel like the world is crashing down around me. My bf wants to break up. We haven't but he wants to. He feels like I am too overbearing and emotional and he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I don't blame him.
It's just like my last relationship all over again. And I can't tell him how terrible I feel because that would defeat the purpose. And so I feel so alone. I am just sitting here with quiet tears running down my face because I know I can't handle life. I've never been able to.
It terrifies me to have to get up every day and survive for every minute. I don't want to face any of this anymore. I know that makes me a coward but I don't care anymore. I can't live with this fear. I can't do it anymore.
I wish I had something to swallow right now because I would. I would swallow every last one of my bipolar pills and try and end this. And everyone hates me for the way I am but I don't care because I hate myself too. And nothing and no one can fix the way I am. No one can help me. Everyone just gives up on me. I can never have kids. I would not be able to deal with them. I can't even deal with myself. How am I ever supposed to have a happy relationship?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Thanks for your suggestion Scarlett but I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. I have had my period recently and haven't done anything to get pregnant since. I'm more amused at that than offended. :)
No, I just had a while where I was weak willed and gained and then struggled not to gain. I have the same problem with people offering me food. I am so afraid to offend but then I hate eating any food.
Lately, I think I have been losing weight. I have felt hungry every day, and since I can't really control it when they make me food and watch me eat it, I will stay up all night and sleep off the next day hungry, if I felt I have consumed over 1000 calories.
That's what I did today. I don't know how many calories I had yesterday, but I felt like it was way too much, and so I stayed up until maybe seven in the morning and I have been napping all day since. It is now 8 at night and I am hoping to not have to eat anything until after midnight where I might make myself a cup of noodles (300 calories).
I really feel like I am losing a lot, even though I am terrified that maybe I am not losing anything at all, or sometimes I feel like I am gaining. I haven't been able to weigh myself here at all which is frustrating and yet a relief at the same time. I am super hungry right now but have no interest in eating. My stomach looks flatter in the mirror and feels smaller under my hands when I am laying down. I think my jeans might even be looser. I can't wait to see how much progress I have made.

Monday, June 24, 2013

I had the rest of the pizza earlier and some orange white chocolate and I knew even as I was eating it how much I didn't want to but people were watching me. Actually, that's a lie. They watched me take the pizza back to the room but no one came back to actually see if I had eaten it. I should have stuffed it in the trash. I need to get better at throwing away food.
So now I feel sick, and fat and disgusting, and all of the last few days work seems pointless and wasted. I just hope that tomorrow I can get up and stay motivated all day and get right back on track. I hate the feeling of being full, or even just the feeling of not being empty. I want to be tiny, and that can't happen if I don't work to earn it.
This time I really feel like I am going to make progress.

Cheese pizza- 5 slices (300 calories each?)- 1500 calories
Chocolate- 6 pieces- about 250 calories (?)
Total for the day- 1750 calories

I went out for a fast paced walk twice, part of it uphill. That was about an hour and a half exercise total. I've seen different resources say different things. One hour of walking can burn between 100-250 calories. I am going to say I burned off 100 calories per half hour (hopefully).

Intake +1750
Exercise -300
Net calories 1450

I guess it won't make me gain five pounds but it feels like it.

I've been on that pro ana site watching the chat box and seeing all these girls say how little they are and how fat they think they are. Some of them really are bigger like me, but then there are those in the two digits and all I can do is wish so much to be them right now. Most of them never even started out my size and would commit suicide if they were. And yet I've been bigger. It really makes me feel like I am never going to get anywhere. If I had to go into recovery and was forced to gain twenty pounds and I was then 125, I would recover a happier person. How is it, I wonder, that I got the short end of the stick there? But I guess I didn't. Nobody made me eat all of that food or gain all of that weight. When I was several inches shorter than I am now (I'm currently about 5'6) and age fifteen, I was maybe 140 pounds tops. And that was just naturally while developing. That is still about 20 pounds less than how much I weigh now.
I wish I hadn't let myself go. I remember even then my aunt had told me I could stand to lose 15-20 pounds. I used to lay in bed at night and do at least 100 sit ups because more than anything, I just wanted a flat stomach. I know I can't turn back time or take away things that already happened, but if I ever get into a position where I am so small again, I will remember my regret, and never let myself go so that I have to feel it again.
I need to be little by Christmas again. I don't know what it is about the winter time that makes it so easy for me to starve myself into a little bony nothing. I was smaller last winter, and as spring came, I gained it all back. But I maintained at around 140 and sometimes lower for several months.
I KNOW I can get back to where I was. And I know I can do it fast, and start achieving my goals soon. I want to fit into those clothes again. I want D to worry about me again, and to feel my bones and have that look on his face. I want him to know something is wrong but as much as I tell him, he never seems to understand, but he did for a bit then. I don't care if it is realistic or not, or if it is wrong, and I don't care that maybe I am beautiful just the way I am. It's the only way I can feel like I am accomplishing something. It is the only way that I can feel motivated and work hard, and become perfect. I crave that perfection like Romeo and Juliet craved their other half once they were gone. It feels too much a part of myself to give up, even if it effects my whole life, which I have no doubt it will. Even if I was given a huge opportunity if I only recovered, I think I would still choose to pursue this path.
It is an unhealthy obsession, and an addiction, but I refuse to give it up. And I know I am not the only person who feels this way.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

I've been doing a lot better lately, and a lot worse. I've fallen into a state of depression in which I can convince myself that I would rather die than have a home any longer. I know I won't die from it but I still want to starve myself into a tiny little thing.
I was stuck at 160.4 and then I just kind of snapped. I walked for several hours that night and decided not to eat anymore. I didn't sleep that night but I stayed up until the next night and in that time I consumed less than 600 calories. I was 159.2 the next morning.
Yesterday I came back to the apartment and only had 600 calories, and then before going to sleep around noon today, I had a cup of noodles for 300. I thought I was going to be up all day though. The old man bought me cheese pizza and I would hate to not show I was grateful so I ate three pieces just now, but managed to throw away the last part of the last piece. I still feel gross though. It was a large pizza so I think it was more like 900 calories!
I have been feeling so hungry the last few days and loving it. I have felt light headed, and very dizzy which I missed so much and I am determined to get that back for today. So, I will not be eating the rest of the day.
I'm also going to try and renew myself as a person. I want to be the person I once was. I hate who I have become. I am not a selfish person, and it doesn't suit me well.
Anyways, I just thought I would update.
I hope everyone is doing better than I am. :)

Friday, June 14, 2013

When I weighed last night with my brand new scale, I was 163.4 pounds. That is after all of the eating, and still wearing jeans and a heavy shirt. This morning, I weighed before eating to find that I was 160.0 pounds. My clothes weigh about two pounds so last night after eating I wasn't really that much more than today, but I am still going to consider it a successful loss.
I can only say, it could be so much worse.
To think, my low weight is about 135. How far I have fallen...
I can make it back though. I know I can.
I had a massive panic attack earlier, so I am not feeling well at all. I woke up and my throat was all torn up. It's a good reason not to snack on salty foods today.
I hope I can be under 160 by tomorrow. I want to be heading down through the numbers as fast as I did before.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I'm not going to get a home as soon as I thought. I was lied to. My bf does not keep track of his money well enough.
I hate being the way I am. But I would love to change and so I will.
I am excited to be hungry again. I am excited to feel my bones again. I am excited to become tiny and precious and fragile. I am excited to feel beautiful again.
My new goal is short term. When I finally get my scale, which has arrived at my parents house, I want to be under 160. I can't much control that number, but I can control the next one. I want to be down five pounds by Sunday June the 23rd. That gives me ten days.
If all else fails, I would love to be 135 by my birthday at the end of October.

135 days to lose about 25 pounds
So, as long as I lose at least one pound every 5.4 days, I will be able to reach my goal.
Now, I am going to go do some jumping jacks, which can burn about 100 calories per 10 minutes.
I am so ready for this.
I binged all day today to over 2000 calories. I will find it in myself to forgive myself if I can reach hunger before I go to bed. And then I want to stay hungry.
I just need to find motivation.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

On Monday I got in this big fight with D about how I feel like he never spends enough time with me. His mom woke him up around seven that morning and kept him working for her until some time in the afternoon, when he planned to spend the rest of the day at his friends. Monday is his first day off of the week, and Wednesday is the second. He told me that he worked so hard for his mom so that he would get all of Wednesday just for me and him. I don't understand why he has to work so hard, or why his mother gets a say as to spending time with me at all.
So I came to stay here at my parent's house. My uncle and grandpa came to help with siding the house and getting it ready to sell so mom offered them the room I am staying in. I have to leave today and D knew that.
He didn't show up. I came up with all of these scenarios in my head, called his house to ask his mom where he was, and guess who picked up? He did. He sounded pretty happy and told me that his dad made him help him fix the hot tub. He had told his dad that he was going to spend the day with me and his dad told him that he couldn't, and had to help him out. It is five in the afternoon, and D was supposed to eat dinner real quick and come get me. It's been an hour and a half. I am not sure if I can deal with such blatant disrespect from everyone anymore. It sucks.
If I were him, and my dad told me that I couldn't go see my bf, I would tell him to fuck off because it's my life, and I would put my bf first for once. No one deserves to be treated this way. I'm not sure if I want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to be there, but I can't be here either. My only other option is going back to the apartment to sleep in the same room as my ex. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I have no options.
All I can say for now is that I am feeling very hurtful, withdrawn, and self destructive. I don't want to argue with D again because I know it won't make any difference. He can never see past himself. I am done trying to communicate with someone who does not want to communicate. He can come to me when he is ready to be a real couple. Otherwise, this- US- will never work out.
I just binged a ton. I hadn't eaten anything all day and then I went shopping and found out where D was and what was going on and I ate half of everything. I feel disgusting. I am also so bored I could rip out my organs. I know that sounds morbid.
On another note, my family is moving in a month or two. My mom made an offer on a house in another state and it was accepted so they have a house. The offer was $293,000.
I know this is self defeating but I really hate my life right now. Nothing seems to be able to go right.

Monday, June 10, 2013

It's been five days since I posted. I ordered a brand new digital scale and it should arrive at my parent's house this week sometime. I am still at my bf's house. I think I am fatter.
That's really all I have to share but I thought I would at least update everyone.
My plan is delayed a bit but that's okay. My main goals aren't really for summer. I never go outside in the sun anyways. I guess I can get a new swimsuit next year...

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I am sitting here at 4:30 in the morning. I laid in bed for hours and just couldn't sleep. I was too hot or too cold or had too much energy. In the morning, 11 a.m. to be exact, I have a doctor's appointment. I am going to ask about support to get on disability. This is making me anxious.
When I called to make the appointment, the receptionist sounded so surprised when I mentioned disability that I felt like she was laughing at me. She probably took one look at how old I was and inwardly figured I was an idiot. Almost half of the people who go on disability do it for a psychiatric disorder (mental disorder) though. I wonder if anyone even knows that...
My history should say it all. After freshman year in high school I could no longer hold it together and my grades plunged. I dropped out after two years of getting no credits. Last year I was in the hospital twice for attempted suicide. I overdosed on a bunch of pills at least 100 times or so all throughout my teenage years, hoping anything would get me out of life. It's pretty sad that I was that naive for that long.
I got really sick one of those times. I have taken probably at least 50 ibuprofen at once on two different occasions. I can't handle a job. I had a job for three months tops before I got fired but the manager was never satisfied with me anyways. I had several panic attacks and cried every day that I had that job. I spent at least a year sleeping next to my ex on a dirty mattress in a dirty apartment because I had nowhere else to go. I lived in a homeless shelter for maybe a week and I couldn't handle that either so I left.
I have a panic attack every time I think about getting a job and would rather die than get one again because it stresses me out so much. I cannot cope with everyday life. I can't even handle going to the grocery store without someone to go with me.
When I got tested for learning disorders and mental disorders, the doctor who did all of the tests gave me my results in paper, and it mentions if I were to ever go back to school I would need to ask specifically for help and I shouldn't take more than two classes at a time or I won't be able to handle it.
I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, math fluency disorder, cognitive disorder NOS.
I think all of this should be plenty of reason to go on disability. I need more help than I can get where I am, and hopefully disability can help me. I am hoping it can give me the tools to move on with my life, and maybe one day go to college and be successful. But as I see it now, I am not going anywhere.
People hate me when I am suicidal. They believe I can control it. They believe that it is attention seeking. For some reason, no one can believe that someone so pathetic and hurtful to others as a person who wants to take their own life, could possibly have no control over their wish to do so.
I hate telling people when I feel like I want to kill myself. Everyone always says that I should let them know, but when I do, they grow very angry with me and tell me things like, "Just stop."
My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that suicide is stupid. Somehow to him, wanting to take my life made me stupid.
For those who don't know, bipolar is like this.
Manic depression, also known as bipolar disorder, is classified as a type of affective disorder or mood disorder that goes beyond the day's ordinary ups and downs, and is a serious medical condition and important health concern in this country. Manic depression is characterized by periodic episodes of extreme elation, elevated mood, or irritability (also called mania) countered by periodic, classic depressive symptoms.
Depression is a mood disorder that involves a child's body, mood, and thoughts. It can affect and disrupt eating, sleeping, or thinking patterns, and is not the same as being unhappy or in a "blue" mood, nor is it a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. Children with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better.

My mom told me the other day that my grandpa (who recently passed away) used to be her uncles greatest supporter. He has bipolar disorder too. They were brothers if anyone didn't make that connection. Her uncle would call his brother, and my grandpa would drive out to help. He would make sure there was nothing dangerous in the bedroom, and would put a chair outside the door and sit out there all night, just to make sure he didn't hurt himself. Learning this, I miss my grandpa even more.
I wish there could be someone out there like that who could help me. I often feel so alone that I feel as if I could disappear and it would never be noticed. I feel like whatever I leave behind or bring to other people is a negative thing. I feel that, if I ever disappeared, it would be said of me how selfish I was for leaving, or for hurting those around me. I feel as if no one could ever just love me for me and try and understand. It amazes me how selfish my grandpa was.
If someone could just love me enough to sit outside my door all night, to make sure I was alright when I feel that life could not be worth it. But here, if my boyfriend offered that, I would only feel guilty that I had kept him up all night. Then, I would be afraid that his parents would be angry with me for keeping him up all night. I understand that people have lives to live. I understand that D has to work and therefore has to sleep. I feel that no matter what, I am not an important enough reason for anyone to sacrifice anything for. I feel like a pain and a nuisance. I feel that I am worth nothing. I have no reason to live and nothing to look forward to. I cannot cope with life, and so what kind of life can I possible have? I cannot be successful if I cannot even cope with each day and each moment as it comes.
I am tired of being homeless, and hopeless. I am tired of having no place to call my own. It has been two years now with no privacy, no quality of life, and each day I am just getting by financially and emotionally. I feel that I am doing my best, and yet it is not good enough. I only hope that someday I can show to others how selfless I work to be, and someday be as selfless as my grandfather.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

How can you eat knowing that what is inside you
can grow into something so beautiful and delicate,
and all you have to do is say no right now?

I want nothing more than to feel empty and pure.

Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal.

If you really want  something you will find a way. If you don't, you'll find an excuse. -Jim Rohn

"Never give up on a dream, just because
of the time it will take to accomplish it.
The time will pass anyways."
                                -Earl Nightingale
Before you are two choices. You can eat,
and pay the consequences, or you can not eat,
and feel that you are accomplishing something
by sacrificing pleasure for something 
ultimately more rewarding.

A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.

"Quod me nutrit, me destruit." What nourishes me, also destroys me.

Every time you say "no thank you"
To food, you say "yes please" to thin.

It is as simple as not eating. You eat one day, you gain a pound. You eat none or very little for a day and you lose a pound. Many days of not eating can just simply add up to rapid weight loss. Several days of keeping this up and you shrink away into nothing. It is as simple as choosing not to be fat anymore, and becoming skinny.
Keep a notebook and write down your weight for the day, weighing before your first meal. Drink lots of water, eat little food, and watch your inner beauty emerge. Write down what you eat, littler than a thousand calories is preferable, half of that and you are on your way. Keep pictures of what you will become around you, or tuck it into that notebook. Remind yourself how easy it is. Don't think about anything being hard and it won't be.
If you can't do it, then you are not made for it. Work hard, or give up. But once you have decided to give up, you cannot whine, and you cannot go back. You go forth with all of your effort, or with none of it. No wanna- be's here.

Eat to live, don't live to eat.
I am lacking a little bit of motivation lately.
Here are some reasons to keep trying to lose weight.

  1. To look sexy for myself.
  2. To look sexy for my boyfriend.
  3. To make people do double takes as I pass by them.
  4. To make other guys drool, even though I am taken.
  5. To be inspiration to other people.
  6. So that everyone will want to be me.
  7. To be littler than everybody else.
  8. To never worry about my clothes fitting.
  9. To fit into little clothes that no one else should fit in.
  10. To get hand me downs, not hand me ups.
  11. To feel better about myself.
  12. To look good in a swimsuit.
  13. To look slim in jeans.
  14. To have a flat stomach.
  15. To have a cute little butt.
  16. To have slender legs that don't "smush" when I sit.
  17. To look like a model.
  18. To have hip bones.
  19. To have cheek bones.
  20. To see my ribs.
  21. To look tiny in tights.
  22. To take up less space.
  23. To feel safer and more secure.
  24. To have a goal to work towards and accomplish.
  25. To feel beautiful.

Monday, June 3, 2013


Rice- 100
Green beans- 30
Peanuts- 240-300
Chocolate- 1150
Whipped cream- 200
Total: 1720 calories

Not having a good day.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Going up and down is tiring. But I know I can do better.
158 this morning. I am leaving my parent's house to go to D's tonight. Then I can really go about losing weight. This place makes me stress eat like crazy. There is nothing to do here and I just feel hopeless and scared that nothing will ever happen.
It could have been worse... I could have hit 160.
I want to get my own scale.
I still have another week to lose those 8 pounds and get back down to 150.
I have lots of motivation. I know I can do it. 8 pounds to go. I will be down at least one pound by tomorrow.