Sunday, May 5, 2013

I know I am posting an awful lot and I know that I can't expect every one of my posts to be read. I think I am just bored and very lonely and I am trying to keep myself busy.

I doubted my bf a lot last night. I felt stupid hanging around my phone waiting for him to finally call me so I left my phone in my room and found out around midnight that I had eight missed calls from him, but it was too late. Eight missed calls! He was probably really busy. It makes me feel bad. He really is a wonderful boyfriend.

On the 22nd last month we hit the six month mark. I have been dating him for a whole six months and we are finally starting to mellow out with each other and get along. I should trust him more by now. I guess I am just so used to being screwed over by everybody that it is hard for me to understand that he may be different. He has been so good to me.

After realizing this, I grew pretty panicky. I am still very, VERY stressed out. The reason for that, is because I feel like now that something good has happened to me, something terrible will also happen. I know how life is. I know that the moment it seems like I am climbing out of the abyss, life will throw me right back in. Life is one bad thing after another and I am just waiting for the nest wave to hit.

I have been wondering if everyone's lives are like this. Does everyone only get as much as they can handle? Is everyone kept just on the edge? But then, I know that there are lots of people out there who have good things happen to them and then little let downs and they are happy people. I know a good portion of it is attitude, but I wonder how much. Is it really too much to ask, for something good to happen and for it to stay that way? I don't think so. I am tired of all of these huge changes happening all at once.

I mean, if I had to choose between my bf and a home, would I? I just don't want to be faced with anything like that. I don't want to gain something good, only to lose something that means so much to me. This is just an example. I have no such choice in front of me. I always feel like if I am happy for a little while, something really terrible will pull me back down. Maybe it isn't as much the fear of my happiness causing something bad, as much as a fear of the ride. I don't want to feel excited just to be let down, and in the same way, I don't want to finally allow myself to be happy because I am bipolar and the constant ups and downs are just terrible to experience. Every time I come back down I want to throw up. It's nauseating.

I guess my biggest fear right now is losing D. I think I always get terrified when I come back here, because I am convinced that I am missing so much, that things will start to shift out of my control. Like when he is at home and I am here, I think he will meet someone else. Or he will be away for so long that he will start to forget what it's like to be with me and want to break up. I am afraid that all of this time with his parents will convince him or give them time to convince him that I am not good for him, or that he needs to stay there and help them. It is so hard to let go of all of these thoughts. There are so many things that could happen. But I am also worried that if everything stays so well between us, then some other problem will happen, because inevitably, nothing is perfect. I am expecting things to come up between us, and if they didn't, I would expect something else to happen.

What I am saying, is that if everything were to be perfect between us, to make things go wrong, I am afraid that the balance of things would shift and he would get killed or be forced to work somewhere I could never be with him. I don't know why I am so terrified of him dying in a car accident, I just am.

What I am saying is that everything in life scares me I guess. It's silly. : )

I guess it's a very big reason why I have my eating issues. It is the only big thing in life that I can control. It is comforting to mess with such a big thing as my life when everyone's lives are shifted in ways that are hard for me to handle.

Is this what it is to miss someone? Maybe worrying like this is how I miss people. I sometimes wonder if I do miss people but I think that's what it is right there. I show that I miss people by constantly worrying about them. I guess that would explain why I am scared to death for every one of my sisters. They are all having such a hard time with everything and once they move, I won't even be able to help them with any of their problems. I think looking back, that is the reason I tried to get a job in the first place. I wanted money, because money was something that could give me the power to help my sisters out. It meant being able to afford to see my family more often and it meant being able to take my sisters places and give them my time and my love. I feel so cut off from everybody right now though.

Even all of you are so far away, and I can't be the only lonely one right now.

1 comment:

  1. See?!?! 8 missed calls. You don't have anything to worry about so get out of your own head! Obviously D is very important to you. Don't make up scenarios where you have to choose between him and something else. It's hard not to be pessimistic when you've dealt with bad relationships and hurt in the past, but it's important to keep your thoughts in reality. One of my biggest fears is losing my bf in a car accident. Worrying about it won't make him any safer though, you know? Stop thinking, hun lol xx