Thursday, May 2, 2013

I hate being here. I hate being at my bf's. I hate remembering the way his mom said, "uh, no. She is not living with us D." Like I don't belong. I get it already.
So I can stay here for long periods of time when she's not there but I can't bring the important things over like I live here. I don't feel welcome.
I know I get dangerous when I am back there, but I am thinking about going back to the apartment this weekend. It will be bad and I will resist coming back, but in the end I know I will give in, just to have my bf as a comfort again. I don't know why I bother but I feel like I should at least try to keep up the image of living where I actually live.
I feel like shit. I don't want to be here...
I feel so disgusting.

I usually get panicky when I eat too much, which is about every day, so I think about exercising. Sometimes I actually do it, but after I found out how few calories you burn off in an hour of walking I've just of given up. What's the point of burning off such a tiny part of the calories that is going to show up in another way on the scale the next morning? It won't keep off enough weight to even be measurable. If I had that stationary bike I would be on it in a heartbeat... But I don't.

Yesterday after posting about how much I had eaten so far and about the coffee, I actually ended up eating more and snacking. I did manage to cut down the number of dinner calories though. For dinner, I think I had carrots and one piece of toast. I may have had a good 500 calories of candy though. Just things like gummy bears. I wonder what it would really add up to if someone measured, but I don't know if it was a low amount of calories and that's why I lost three pounds, (doubtful), or if I just ended up losing a ton of water weight.
Either way, it felt like a success for me this morning, and it has fueled me to do better today.

For my only meal I had:
2 pieces of whole wheat toast- 200
2 hash brown patties- 300
green beans- >100

If you add in my liquid calories:
1 Pepsi- 160
2 hot cocoas- 300

This is all rounded up just in case, with maybe ten calories added here or there to make it easier. I did have ketchup with my hash brown patties so I think it all adds up pretty evenly.

Total calories of only food: 600 calories
Total calories including liquids: 1060 calories

I usually don't count the liquid calories because for some reason they don't really seem to count but today I've been wondering. Once I only consumed liquids for a day, including soda drinks with a total of over 1500 calories and still lost a good amount of weight by the next day. Either way, 1060 calories is pretty good for me considering lately.
I am hungry at the moment but I feel really good about it and I know that I will not be eating again until after I next wake up. I know why I have control all of a sudden though. I think there are less foods around for me to binge on. At the moment, the only foods that I am comfortable getting to are foods that do not appeal to me right now in the least. I actually have some candy's right next to the bed and I am not interesting in even touching them. It's fascinating really.
I wish I had complete self control all the time. I have also been really forcing myself to realize when I am full and stop. It means that since I have been skipping meals completely, my stomach has shrunk and it takes very little to fill me up. I sometimes wonder if I could become a bulimic. I have made myself throw up before. It's been a while and I often think about it but it has never been convenient enough for me to do it without worrying about the ramifications. I always feel as if someone would notice.

My bf has been reinforcing the idea that I am beautiful no matter what I look like, but I once got him to admit that he did like the way I looked when I was skinnier better. That's all I needed. He knows that I have eating issues and I told him that I wanted to lose weight fast and that I didn't want to eat much. He didn't seem to care either way. He just said okay. He hasn't tried to get me to eat once. It is helpful and somewhat supportive, and yet still makes me feel alone and abandoned. Does he not care that I am willing to starve myself to death to look the way I want to look? I try not to harbor on it too much.

I guess I have gotten back into blogging so you guys can expect me to be posting nearly every day, and sometimes many times a day like I have been lately. I will end this lengthy post here.

1 comment:

  1. It's not that he doesn't care about you. He would care if he truly understood your eating issues. My bf knows about my eating issues too, but he just doesn't know how bad. He asks what I've eaten throughout the day and he never questions because I've never lied about anything else to him. Because they can't get in our head and truly understand the daily torment, they are completely oblivious to the self-hatred and what really goes on. It's not his fault.

    I always count liquid calories. Fluid calories always weigh less on the scale than solid calories do. My bad habbit is diet colas. I've been trying to cut back because they are worse for you than the regular colas.

    I'm glad you're blogging again. I can really empathize with you on your boyfriend's mom. I've never felt welcome with her. She's been more than vocal on how she feels about me and although she tries harder now, it all seems like a fake cover up. I'm really sorry she makes you feel this way. D is all that matters. You won't be living with her forever. Hang in there xx