Thursday, May 2, 2013

I guess I was having a panic attack. It got to the point where I was pretty suicidal there and I was thinking about just walking off and being homeless somewhere where no one would ever talk to me and I could just avoid life. It sounds nice but I know it is silly and unrealistic. Besides, I am terrified to attempt suicide here or commit suicide in general. I always feel like if I failed or succeeded I would still be considered a terrible person.
I can hear D's mother saying how I was never good for him and now I have gone and done a selfish thing and proved her right. I can see her telling everyone what a terrible thing her son's girlfriend did to him. As if it would even be to hurt anyone else. I am pretty sure I would just be dead. I am pretty sure that if I wanted to hurt anyone I would do it in a very different way.
Last time I was in the hospital my dad drove me and he kept asking how I could do that to them so I made him leave me. I was at that hospital all alone for a day before I was taken to a mental ward and my parent's did not visit once because it would be a waste since I would be out soon enough anyways. I think that is always how it is going to be.

But then I think about what my sister said. I never really think about specific quotes like this and it was so simple, and somehow I knew it was true.
She's sixteen and has probably never even been friends with a male, and she said to me, "You are a princess. Don't ever feel like you are worthless."
I can't get past that.

When did I start letting D's mom control how I thought about myself?
I've been through a shit ton and if she can't see how strong I am, it is only because she can't see past herself.
I shouldn't care how she feels about me dying my hair to express myself. I shouldn't care how she thinks when I have to go into the mental hospital to help myself. I've been thinking about that lately. Sometimes I get manic and I just want to go away and be taken care of and sometimes I really want help. I don't know that I would ever actually reach out for it again but it is a thought in my mind that she will think terribly of me.
My bf said last time I was thinking about it that I should tell him when I do go and I asked why. He said so that he could visit me every day because he knew my parent's sure wouldn't.
I wonder a little bit if maybe he isn't like everyone else and actually can support me more emotionally.
I don't know. I shouldn't be judged but I am. I shouldn't let my thoughts be ruled by other people judging me, but sometimes I really can't help it.
Maybe we really can control our emotions to a point, but if we as people never cared about what other people thought we wouldn't be human. We are all hurt by other people at some time or another.

So anyways. For dinner I had mashed potatoes and gravy and chicken and an ear of corn. I am estimating that very vaguely at 800 calories. I ate quite a bit of the mashed potatoes. I love potatoes...
D's mom is coming back on Monday I think. I told D I wanted to leave tomorrow but I am going to be miserable when I go back to the apartment and I don't know how long I can last.
I just hope I can scrounge up enough money for some coffee every once in a while. It may be the only thing to help keep me going.

I should also mention I finally go that keyboard I have been wanting for so long. Now I can play the piano whenever I want. I wonder if that will help me when I am there...?

I think he knows about it to an extent, but there isn't anything he can really do. I remember telling him from the start that if he interfered with my eating habits I would leave because I just can't handle anyone controlling me that way. So it is kind of my own doing... but even knowing all of that, it can feel hurtful sometimes.
Thanks for helping me not feel so alone about the whole bf's mother thing. I hope if I ever have kids I don't get quite like that.
Also, I think I care more about fat calories and calories in drinks with dairy like milkshakes or coffee or hot cocoa than any soda calories, but when they get to me I turn into a diet cola junkie too. :)

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