Thursday, May 2, 2013

D is cleaning out the garage which has stuff from his aunt's who died a few months ago. She left everything to him. His grandma is sitting there dictating where everything goes. He is obligated somehow to ask his mom first if she wants anything and she's not even here.
I know I sound like a whiny little bitch but I have nothing. Quite literally.

His grandma found a brand new pair of boots, never been worn, and when my bf said I could have them, his grandma told him his mom would want them. Then he said how his mother has two brand new expensive pairs of boots sitting up in the attic that haven't been worn in two years. His mom can hardly walk half the time. She doesn't go outside in the winter. I haven't had boots in years. The only pair of boots I have is an old brown hiking pair that I got for free at a thrift store when I was homeless a year ago.

It really isn't my place to say anything though. I don't belong in this house, and I will never belong in his family. His mom comes first. Why should I come first anyways? It's bullshit. I will never be number one so I can either settle for second or get lost. He will always love his mother more than me. Is it stupid to want to be his one and only???

No more selfish self pity or woe is me. That's what I would like to say anyways. I would rather sit here and hate my situation and be angry about it than to have massive panic attacks like I usually do. I'm grateful for any change of pace to be honest. All I want is a home but then I will surely want something more after that.

Anyways, I hit 150 this morning- or really, this afternoon. But I am not happy, and it's one of those days when I wonder if I ever will be.

Why can't I just get a job and live on my own like other people?

My bf is expecting me to help him carry things downstairs from the garage. I got up and nearly passed out. I haven't eaten yet. He doesn't even need my help, he just wants it. Maybe if I was really thin and frail he would actually treat me like a lady and carry things for me. Maybe then he would respect me like his old frail mother. I just want to be treated like I matter, and right now I feel like I am on the bottom of the food chain, even after him.

God I sound like a bitch... but I've got to say, it's about bloody time. I'm tired of being walked on. Sadly, the anger will just make other people dislike me. I don't matter here.

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