Friday, May 31, 2013
Yesterday I ended up eating a ton as I had just come home to my parents house. I cleaned the room I am staying in so that was a few calories burned. I also burned 400 calories before going to bed on the stationary bike. My mom got an eliptical but I don't think I want to use it. It sounds like harder work for the calories I need to burn and I like being able to count them, and I don't think it counts how many calories I burn on it.
I also just exercised after eating and will be getting back on the stationary bike soon.
So if this makes it easier to understand-
food calories- 500
calories burned off so far- 300
200 left over
I will probably update throughout the day.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I broke down early this morning and ate about 410 calories. Could have been worse. So my total for yesterday (I just woke up so it's a new day for me) is 1365. It could definitely have been worse.
I woke up at 156.6 pounds. That is 0.1 off from where I was a few days ago so I am happy about that. My goal is to be under 155 by Sunday and that means I have less than two pounds to go in three days. That is definitely doable.
I must say, it is a serious relief to be moving down instead of up now. The farther away from 160 I get, the more relaxed I can feel.
I drew out a calendar so that I could see how my goals would work.
These are my goal dates:
June 2- 155
June 9- 150
June 16- 145
JUNE 21- Summer starts
June 23- 145 maintained for a week
June 30- 140
July 7-140 maintained
July 14- 135 Pass up my low weight
July 21- 130
July 28- 130 maintained
August 4- 125
August 11- 123
August 18- 120
August 25- 120 m
September 1- 120 m
September 8- 118
September 15- 118 m
September 22- 118 m
September 29- 116
October 6- 115
October 13- 114 Yes I know this would put me at underweight
October 20- 114 m
October 27- 114 My birthday
I keep thinking about tomorrow night when I am going over to my parents house to house sit and babysit everyone. They are going on a trip to the city where they are going to move- just my mom and dad that is- and they are moving lots of stuff to storage down there. So they are really going to do it.
I am thinking about moving back in there like I usually think about it.
I hate it here. The pressure of having too much stuff and no space for it all, and the hot water heater breaking, and the fact that I have to clean the room... It's starting to outweigh the cons of living with my parents again. I want my own space back.
The problem is, they may be moving before I can get into a new home. Maybe it will provide my boyfriend with the incentive he needs to get a move on. I need a home. Somehow right now, the fact that I have lived in this shit-hole for two years weighs nothing next to his little amount of debt that he just has to pay off first.
Even if it makes me manic again, I could see it being worth it.
Right now, it feels like nothing is worth anything. I have nowhere to go right now and it is destroying me.
My obsession with tiny
Will eat me away
I'll grow smaller and smaller
And closer each day
To these goals that I set
So near yet so far
I'll get there someday
I will raise the bar
I need to be tiny
Skinny and slim
Little and small
Weigh no more than a whim
I'm determined to lose
And still win my game
Be so little and pretty
No longer ashamed
Tiny bones, tiny waist
Hips protruding with grace
Pouty lips on a face
That says I've won the race
I'll win at wasting
At wasting away
With all my willpower
I'll win the game that I play
I will throw away calories
And throw away fat
Throw away misery
I'll be done with that
And in it's place,
I'll be beautiful and new
I'll achieve hopes and dreams
Achieve wishes too
I'll be effortless and free
Free of these chains
Once the journey ends
I'll be rid of those pains
My obsession with tiny
Will gnaw at my frame
Til my body and mind
Are one and the same
My obsession with tiny
Will eat me away
But I'm okay with that.
Ana can stay.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
I was still at 500 calories, when she came in and asked what I had eaten today. She pressured me into eating something, I opted for a small whole wheat bagel with some apple butter.
Whole wheat bagel- 110 calories
Apple butter- 45
I was fine. I was perfectly alright. I was done. But no, K decided to literally feed my like a baby some of her cheesy noodles that were too spicy. I feel a bit sick. I had no chance to go and throw them up or I would have. I am estimating it was an extra 300 calories!
Now I am at more like 955 calories which to me is already over 1000. It was out of my hands but I feel like I could have done more, and now I just feel like a fat fuck up. I feel like my day is wasted. I tried to go outside for a walk but right now I feel like someone shoved knives down my throat because I walked in the cold. Wait, no one is here right now... It is probably too late already. Fuck life.
I want to lose weight, and I want to lose weight now. I WILL do better tomorrow.
I only had 600 calories yesterday and I woke up weighing 158.4 pounds. I guess I must have gotten up near 160 pounds. Oh well. I am on my way down now.
I've had some chocolate which was a mistake at 420 calories. I also had an apple at about 100 calories. I don't plan on eating anything else. Food is such a disgusting thing once you think about it. It's like drinking gasoline and then creating pollution with it.
I think I might go on a walk soon. As soon as I finish downloading some more Silverchair songs.
I haven't had anything to eat since then. There is nothing I want to eat. I am starving but I have no appetite. I have had maybe 600 calories max. I won't be eating anything else before going to bed.
I am sick of being sick. Everything but fruits and veggies make me sick as far as I know so I am going vegan. I hate this place. I haven't been able to take a shower since Friday. I won't be able to take a shower until late Thursday night or Friday. Gross.
The water heater is still out.
When Ia m hungry for so long I start to be able to hit those lows I used to hit again. It feels like home. I probably shouldn't love it so much, but who can help who or what they love anyways? I don't care either way. I want to be tiny.
Average is not good enough.
Slim is not good enough.
Skinny is not good enough.
I will not settle for anything less than what is the best in my head.
I am so motivated.
Hopefully in the morning I will be less than 156.5 pounds. That's what I was a few days ago. I wonder even what I am now. I am terrified by the idea that maybe I gained back the one and a half pounds that I lost. I don't want to be anywhere near 160.
I am excited that I have made it this far though. I really am.
I got to the point where 600 calories is too much, and I won't touch anything more for the day. Amazing.
Monday, May 27, 2013
I got some craft supplies from D yesterday, and last night I worked on my thinspo book some. I also got a vogue magazine. I am not sure but I might just take the ads out and use those pictures so I don't mess up the actual magazine.
In other news, I got ten new neon tetras yesterday, and now I have a school of eleven swimming around. Headlights, the big one I already had, looks much happier now that he is not all alone. I think he even found a lady to follow around.
Also, I dyed my hair. I added bits of pink and blue into my blond. It didn't turn out quite as I expected but I think I still like it. Under all of that, my hair is finally white blond in stead of yellow blond. I guess it seemed too pointless to get those first two awards, but the others are still exciting.
My bf has decided to make an automatic withdrawal of $50 from every paycheck into my bank account. That means I get $100 a month. Wow. We have to actually go and do it, but either way I get that much whether it is automatic or not. The automatic part would just make it more set in stone.
As soon as I hit 135 I will go get a new wardrobe for the summer, including swimsuits and shorts and cute spaghetti strap tops, probably new pretty underwear and bras too. Maybe some summer shoes and a hat...
We'll see. I actually have to get there first. 135 here I come. Again.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Neck 12 1/2
Here is what they used to be at my lowest weight of 139.
So in other words, since I have gained about 20 pounds my measurements have changed like this:
I feel like I am going insane now. Basically nothing has changed... x.x
I have gained twenty pounds. Could it have ALL been muscle and water???
I don't think one inch difference either way is that much difference at all. So why do I feel so fat?
The scale must be off or must have been off.
I'm not really sure where to go from there. Water weight makes more sense but still I don't think it is...
I guess I will just have to work harder.
I might buy myself a new scale soon. That would make me feel so much better.
Hopefully when I wake up in the morning I can weigh less than 157.5 pounds on the scale. That would mean some loss at least. Well then, I am going to bed. Goodnight all.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
I changed my mind. If I keep up the delusional and keep convincing myself that it is just water weight, I am missing out on a great bit of inspiration and probably missing out on the truth too. I don't want to think that I am smaller than I actually am. The entire idea actually makes me want to puke and then starve for days on end. I don't mean puke food up on purpose either by the way.
I am 157.5 pounds. The bad news is, I am so fat! The good news is that I seem to have lost half of a pound since I last weighed myself probably yesterday. Half a pound is a whole lot better than nothing. Half a pound feels like a miracle right now at this very moment.
I wish I had better motivation though. My thinspo book was great but I don't even have that with me. With any luck my bf can bring it to me within the next few days but even then, I don't really have any way to improve on it. I have no scissors, tape, glue, construction paper, regular paper, pencils, markers, crayons, colored pencils, drawing utensils in general and no pictures like magazine ads to put in either. How depressing...
I guess I could compile a simple scrap book like thinspo book on my computer. I have all the materials in the world with the internet at my fingertips. If it goes well, I will share them here.
I can't believe I am basically 22.5 pounds away from my low weight. How far I have fallen... or gained I guess. But I can beat this. We all know I can.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Pizza- 700 calories
Chocolate- 600 calories
Chips- 200 calories
Total- 1500 calories.
Walked for maybe two hours tops- 200 calories burned
Still not good enough. I only ate so much pizza because the old man had me taste his special alcohol. He has never given me alcohol before and it was only a little. At first it tasted like really bitter cranberry juice and then it burned. I have had alcohol before but I find it disgusting and pointless unless you are trying to get drunk. I had to eat another piece of pizza to get rid of the taste. I can still taste it a little...
I want to be able to burn off as much as I eat again. That would be amazing.
I will be up today until late and hopefully by then I will feel hungry again. If I can just go to bed hungry, I will find some satisfaction in my day. I am counting on my metabolism catching up.
I don't have my thinspo book with me this time but I remember a quote I had in it.
"Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight."
It's from a Sarah McLachlan song called "Angel" I have always loved. I found the quote before I ever even knew it was in that song. It's beautiful.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
I think a lot of it MUST be water weight. Maybe I am in denial but I can tell when my jeans are too lose and I can tell when my stomach is flatter and my face is starting to lose the roundness. I think all the water is in my legs or something... I don't know.
I am frustrated. I guess to be honest, if my bf's scale is three pounds off then I am really 155, but even that seems odd to me... But it is better than what I've got. Even K says that the scale here is several pounds off.
But I found out that my boyfriend's mother is 140 pounds. Then I found out that K is between 155 and 165. I am her size. I am bigger than D's mother. I want to be the skinniest by far. Not the fattest by a little. And not the skinniest by a little.
Now that I think about it, my stomach has been really upset the last few days. It must be bloating. That really clears things up. I would also like to point out that although I quit that medication because of bad side affects three days ago, it is still in my system. This medication has this affect of making people gain several pounds- in water weight.
I feel hungry right now but my stomach still feels more upset, as if I had just stuffed myself with dairy and other things I shouldn't have and were over full. I am guessing that is what bloating feels like...
I'm going to wait to eat until someone is here to see me. K knows I have eating issues. I want to see how long I can not eat before getting sick today. It probably won't be long.
My bf left me with $60 to take care of myself though. He wants to make sure I won't ever have to go without something I need again. He's so sweet these days. I really hope it works out with him. As of yesterday we have been together for 7 months.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
I might be just holding water or something. I have had to pee like, every two hours or so, sometimes more like every half hour and it's not like I drink all that much but I am not dehydrated either... I am thinking that this medication is messing up my water and metabolism and stuff. Seeing as it is supposed to maintain my chemicals instead of let them go up and down, I think it is maintaining at a place where I regularly have no energy whatsoever, and that's why I am so tired lately. I am even tired right now. Actually, I am exhausted. I think instead of miserably trying to stay up during the day again, I will just go back to bed. I want to see how long I can stay there. If I don't wake up then I don't have to eat after all. I feel like I need to see how long I can sleep, otherwise I won't know if it is just at certain times around taking my meds, or all the time.
Anyways. I am going back to bed now. Screw staying awake.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
I keep looking in the mirror and wondering if I am delusional.
I did eat less yesterday. By all accounts, I should have lost at least a pound. Maybe I was 155 yesterday? I don't think I weighed...
But I must say I feel disgusting at this number as it is.
My conclusion is that I gained muscle. I have been working out on dance central for several days now. I have 1 and 2 but I have barely played 2. I have been getting gold stars on songs and five stars and am working my way up to perfect scores on every song. I am highest rank now.
I turned on the fitness option on the game and so it counts how many calories I have burned. A few days ago I burned 200 in an hour or so, and I did that for a few days. Today I have burned at least 100. I forgot to count the short time I did this morning to try and wake up. The new medication makes me drowsy as hell all the time.
I am terrified that a rarer side affect of the drug will cause me to gain weight and that is what is happening, but I can't let it get to me. I WILL BE SKINNY. I just have to get there.
My goal of getting to 145 by tomorrow is not going to happen. I have to spend another week getting down to 150 as it is. I hate yo yo-ing. I hate being stuck at this weight for so long. I hate knowing that at some point I had an eating disorder, and now it's like I don't. Now it's like I made it all up. I know it's wrong to hate that, I mean, no eating disorder? That would make so many people happy. Just not me.
In exactly two weeks it will be June first. What are the chances of actually getting down to 145 by then? I don't know. The reward system can't really work if I never get anywhere to be rewarded. There is one good thing out of all of this though. The medication makes me nauseous as hell so I lose my appetite a lot. I don't know how I have managed to gain so much over the past few days, but I can sure as hell lose them again. All I have to do is listen to the nausea and remember that it is okay not to eat. If I don't feel well, why stuff my face? It will just make me feel sicker. Now I am wondering why I do that...
Anyways. I hope everyone else is having better luck than I am.
On a side note, I am feeling a bit like this today. Thanks for the super inspirational post Alice May. :)
Thursday, May 16, 2013
All I have had today is some mashed potatoes. I wonder if it had dairy in it...
My bf's mom made it yesterday out of actual potatoes, not just the mix so I'm not sure about that either.
I already took my new meds today, about two hours ago, maybe less. I wonder if I will get sick.
I am actually quite happy that I threw it all up. I was panicking last night about how much I had eaten. I have no idea how much I weigh now. All I know is that I am suddenly freezing again. I think if I were to get sick again, I would be excited in a way that something interesting has happened- new medication allergy?- And then for the most part I would be unhappy. I have 3 months of the stuff and I have limited options for my bipolar disorder. Also, I don't really want to go to the doctor's until I have to. I am just not sure how to go about that... But I don't know anything yet so this is all just unnecessary thoughts.
It will be another two hours until my bf will get back and I have found myself to be increasingly bored lately. Two hours is going to feel like forever, but the few hours I will get with my bf before he has to sleep will not be enough.
I should mention that I feel really nauseous again. Maybe I should eat something after all... Sigh.
I got started on abilify for my bipolar disorder today.
I would like to clarify something I said the other day.
When I said I was going to move into a new place with my bf, I meant it as a good thing. We have been dating for over six months now and I stay with him at his parent's for long periods of time sometimes. Where I normally live is at an apartment with my ex-boyfriend and his dad and his sister. It is not a good situation in the least. I still have to sleep next to my ex in his room. The floors are molded black and there is dog hair and dog feces and urine everywhere. We often lose internet for days on end, and we have lost power from time to time. I have been living there for two years now, which is since I was 17 years old and I moved out of my parents. My parents and I do not get along unless we are apart for a long time. My family is moving to another state soon- 12 hours away if I could even drive. If my cat goes with them she is doomed to die. I am not exaggerating either. My things will be taken or thrown out.
I have been homeless before. I lived in a homeless shelter for a while. I am at risk for being kicked out of the apartment with my ex and it worries me to no end.
Having a home for once would be wonderful. In fact, it would feel like a miracle to me.
I was 151 again yesterday but I don't know what I am now. With my clothes on, at the doctor's, the scale said I was 160 pounds. What a horrific moment that was. I am trying not to think about it too much.
Note: For some reason this didn't post yesterday when I wrote it, and it even cut off half of what I said...
Sunday, May 12, 2013
I am feeling very tired today. I just have no energy...
I guess I have been like that a lot lately. I talked to my boyfriend and he is supporting the whole goals thing. He is excited for me to dye my hair, and he is fascinated that I want my belly button pierced. I guess I never really thought I would do it because I have never been skinny enough for it to be appealing.
Today I have had ice cream and chicken. I feel like that is so many calories.
Also, D's mom is coming back tomorrow and it does actually stress me out. I hear she was pleased when she heard that i cleaned the entire downstairs but that doesn't mean she likes me or is ever going to like me. I don't know if we will get along or if his mom will be upset when I don't want to be super social...
I don't know if I am going to be able to force myself to be social and help out everywhere. It stresses me out to the extreme when I do but... It's the only way to keep her happy.
I don't think I have said anything about this yet, but my bf got a full time job and so I can move out with him in three months. He has to have two months pay stubs first at least and enough money for a down payment on an apartment and first months rent and so on. I sometimes feel like it isn't really going to happen still. I feel like I will jinx it or something else will come up. Either way, three months is about when my parents are going to move. I don't know what I am going to do. I feel like I am going to cut it really close. I wonder if I will even have enough time to get all of my stuff and my cat...
It should make me excited but there were so many opportunities to feel excited in the past several years and not a single one of them even made it to reality. I am hesitant to put my heart on the line again.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
145- platinum blonde hair dye
140- pink and blue in my hair
135- new two piece swim suit
130- second piercing in my ears
125- cute undies, leg warmers
120- belly button piercing
I will be talking to my bf about this later on, but I love the idea. I am so motivated. I really want to get my belly button pierced. I have been wanting to for ages.
The real rewards actually start at 135. I have the hair dyes ready and my bf really wants to see them. He'll just have to wait until I am good and ready.
That is approximately 8 days to lose about 7 pounds. I think it's doable.
Last night I felt like I had eaten so much, and then looking back I only had:
2 granola bars- 200 calories
Some chicken- 400 (?)
Ice cream with chocolate sauce- 800 (?)
That is estimating high I suppose.
Still, my total would be 1400 calories. That is somewhat safer than the 2000+ I always imagine I've eaten.
I am going to try to scan in some of the pages of my old thinspo book for everyone to see. It's mainly a scrapbook looking thing with pictures cut out of magazines and words written in on bits of construction paper. It works well for me. My bf bought me three new magazines yesterday. Because I have never had brand new ones before, I am hesitant to cut them up. They are mine so I want them to stay nice forever. But then, where else would I get the pictures?
He says he will get me subscriptions to them when he can, so that I "have something to look forward to" every month.
The three magazines are: Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Shape.
But I was 151-152 on the scale at my bf's house which is supposed to be exact.
I think I am okay with that. I think last night I expected to gain a lot but I think I lose a pound or two somehow. I know when I woke up I felt like my clothes were a bit looser.
I am sick of having a fat gut, and my cheeks are all round again. I had cheekbones and it was gorgeous. I'll get there again. I want a flat tummy again. Concave even.
So, I found a paper today in my old thinspo book, which I am thinking of adding to.
It reads like this:
High Weight: 181 (December 16, 20120)
Low Weight: 166.4 (January 12, 2011)
Current Weight 174 (January 16, 2011)
It had a list of my goals from that date after that. What I find most interesting, is that I must have made this thinspo book before I even started this blog. This page wasn't put in until after a good amount of my book was already made. What I find even more fascinating is that my lowest weight was once 166.4 pounds. I am 15 pounds lower than that.
I have made so much progress! I can't believe I was ever that heavy. It seems like so long ago.
Now my stats are more like this:
High Weight: 181
Low Weight: 135
Current Weight: 151
It doesn't seem like so much all of a sudden, but looking in the mirror, it is still not good enough. I do feel somewhat accomplished though. Wow...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
D got called in to work before I could see him yesterday on his day off, but he came to see me for an hour or so between his shifts and ended up bringing me home.
I am going to go to the doctor's on Monday to get put on mood stabilizers because I am sick of having bipolar disorder. The lows I have all the time are dangerous. I am actually doing this so that I feel better, instead of to help others around me this time. I warned my bf that it could get worse or better or be all over the place for a while because of the new meds. I also asked for him to keep watch the first several days at his house because I feel that if I had a terrible reaction to the medication, it would be dangerous (maybe even fatal) for me to be by myself. I was in the hospital a few times when I went on a medication that I reacted badly too, so this is a smart precaution.
Also, sometimes in the future (not until I move out, but it might take years after that still) I would like to get a service dog. It has been brought to my attention lately just how dangerous my mental disorders are. They are not curable, and will never go away completely. Even if the medication helps with my bipolar disorder, I will still have depression and anxiety. There are actually dogs that can detect panic attacks and generally make the owner feel safer and more secure. I hate being lonely and I have done seriously dangerous things when I have been lonely in the past. D thinks it is a good idea. It could do me so much good. And for the record, if I were to get a service dog, I think I want a Great Dane. They are just lovely creatures.
Calories for the day:
7 Fiber bars (chocolate peanut butter)- 960 calories
7 Granola bars (peanut butter chocolate chip)- 700 calories
Total calories-1,660 calories
That kinds of looks like a binge...
I overdid it. The problem is, my bf will probably come back and want to make me dinner. At least I got a little bit of exercise in, just not enough. Oh well. I can start over tomorrow like I always do.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Monday I binged and purged for the first time in maybe a year. I purposely made myself throw up more than I ever did, but it still wasn't enough.
The hot water heater here broke so I went up to R's for a night to take a shower there and he has a new roommate who made me extremely uncomfortable. I ate lots more. I gained some weight. Now I am up to 154 or something. It may have been more like 155. Either way, I am determined and I still have that five that I lost.
My goal for this week is to get under 150 on this scale. My new ultimate goal is to get to 114 pounds. 120 isn't good enough for me. Even 120 is starting to feel fat for me. I am quite disgusted with myself but that's fine, it's just good motivation. We learn from our mistakes more than from our successes sometimes.
I am 15-20 pounds off from my low weight.
I get to see my bf Wednesday.
I am not coping well at all. I had a panic attack today that was reminisce of one of the panic attacks I had at the beginning of last year on that awful medication.
I was really tired though and hadn't slept since the morning before, so at least it had a reason. I would hate to sleep normally and panic like that on a regular day.
I have started drinking coca cola zero. It actually tastes quite good to me and has no calories. I am hoping it can help me. From now on, I would like to avoid any drinks with calories in it so I don't have to worry about those.
I feel so helpless and out of control when I binge. I would love to just walk it off but depending on your weight, walking burns under 200 calories per hour. I miss the bike at my parents. I can burn 100 calories in 10 minutes there. When I go for an hour it can be more like 300-400 calories burned per hour. Walking just can't match that at all. I hardly have any energy so it is very hard for me to exercise very long standing up. Then my hips start to hurt, along with other parts of my body. Oh well. I have to pay the price for what I did. I think I am going to attempt to jog, and if that fails, I will just walk. Some calories burned is better than no calories burned...
I already woke up and binged and I have a long day ahead of me. I am going to estimate very roughly that I have already consumed 1000 calories. I feel like today is a doomed day. I sentenced myself to one more day of not losing. We'll see how it goes. More waking hours means more time to burn calories too.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
So I've been puzzled lately because my blog feed isn't moving as much as it used to, in other words out of all of the blogs I am following, very few of them are actually posting. What was more confusing was that I do actually get a few comments here or there, usually from a few regulars. So I went back through comments and clicked on the names of the people who commented, and what do you know- I wasn't following them.
This was a little odd to me, but then I noticed a few of them were people who had started over their blogs with different names or blog names. I can understand the whole starting over thing all too well. For future reference, maybe leave me a little sticky note in my comments that something has changed maybe...? Thanks.
Also, one or two were because of blogger errors that have nothing to do with anything and I found my way around that. That's all good.
Scarlett, I thought I should let you know that since you changed your blog to where only invited individuals can read your blog, I can't comment back. No worries though. :)
Thank you to everyone who reads my blog. Thank you for commenting too. It means a lot to me that you are taking a moment to comment. It really does. <3
Lastly, welcome Claudelle! You are my newest follower. Willkommen!
I doubted my bf a lot last night. I felt stupid hanging around my phone waiting for him to finally call me so I left my phone in my room and found out around midnight that I had eight missed calls from him, but it was too late. Eight missed calls! He was probably really busy. It makes me feel bad. He really is a wonderful boyfriend.
On the 22nd last month we hit the six month mark. I have been dating him for a whole six months and we are finally starting to mellow out with each other and get along. I should trust him more by now. I guess I am just so used to being screwed over by everybody that it is hard for me to understand that he may be different. He has been so good to me.
After realizing this, I grew pretty panicky. I am still very, VERY stressed out. The reason for that, is because I feel like now that something good has happened to me, something terrible will also happen. I know how life is. I know that the moment it seems like I am climbing out of the abyss, life will throw me right back in. Life is one bad thing after another and I am just waiting for the nest wave to hit.
I have been wondering if everyone's lives are like this. Does everyone only get as much as they can handle? Is everyone kept just on the edge? But then, I know that there are lots of people out there who have good things happen to them and then little let downs and they are happy people. I know a good portion of it is attitude, but I wonder how much. Is it really too much to ask, for something good to happen and for it to stay that way? I don't think so. I am tired of all of these huge changes happening all at once.
I mean, if I had to choose between my bf and a home, would I? I just don't want to be faced with anything like that. I don't want to gain something good, only to lose something that means so much to me. This is just an example. I have no such choice in front of me. I always feel like if I am happy for a little while, something really terrible will pull me back down. Maybe it isn't as much the fear of my happiness causing something bad, as much as a fear of the ride. I don't want to feel excited just to be let down, and in the same way, I don't want to finally allow myself to be happy because I am bipolar and the constant ups and downs are just terrible to experience. Every time I come back down I want to throw up. It's nauseating.
I guess my biggest fear right now is losing D. I think I always get terrified when I come back here, because I am convinced that I am missing so much, that things will start to shift out of my control. Like when he is at home and I am here, I think he will meet someone else. Or he will be away for so long that he will start to forget what it's like to be with me and want to break up. I am afraid that all of this time with his parents will convince him or give them time to convince him that I am not good for him, or that he needs to stay there and help them. It is so hard to let go of all of these thoughts. There are so many things that could happen. But I am also worried that if everything stays so well between us, then some other problem will happen, because inevitably, nothing is perfect. I am expecting things to come up between us, and if they didn't, I would expect something else to happen.
What I am saying, is that if everything were to be perfect between us, to make things go wrong, I am afraid that the balance of things would shift and he would get killed or be forced to work somewhere I could never be with him. I don't know why I am so terrified of him dying in a car accident, I just am.
What I am saying is that everything in life scares me I guess. It's silly. : )
I guess it's a very big reason why I have my eating issues. It is the only big thing in life that I can control. It is comforting to mess with such a big thing as my life when everyone's lives are shifted in ways that are hard for me to handle.
Is this what it is to miss someone? Maybe worrying like this is how I miss people. I sometimes wonder if I do miss people but I think that's what it is right there. I show that I miss people by constantly worrying about them. I guess that would explain why I am scared to death for every one of my sisters. They are all having such a hard time with everything and once they move, I won't even be able to help them with any of their problems. I think looking back, that is the reason I tried to get a job in the first place. I wanted money, because money was something that could give me the power to help my sisters out. It meant being able to afford to see my family more often and it meant being able to take my sisters places and give them my time and my love. I feel so cut off from everybody right now though.
Even all of you are so far away, and I can't be the only lonely one right now.
Here is a site with a list of coffees from different places and their calorie content. I will be copying down a few of them below in a much simpler list, but if you want to be specific about a brand or type, just Google it.
I would like to point out that if you don't see the specific drink you are looking for right away on the page, each coffee place has a little link next to it that says, "view more". Click that and it will bring you to a full list of that place's drinks.
Average all brands:
with whole milk
8 oz. 136 calories
12 oz. 204
1 fl. oz. 17
1 mL 1
with no-fat milk
8 oz. 67 calories
12 oz. 100
with whole milk
8 oz. 73 calories
12 oz. 110
with no-fat milk
8 oz. 40 calories
12 oz. 60
Starbucks Skinny flavored latte with non-fat milk
8 oz. 60 calories
12 oz. 90
1 pint 120
1 pint 4 oz. 150
1 oz. 8
12 oz. 203 calories
12 oz. 135 calories
Just a side note here- I lived in a Mormon family for my entire life and have only recently grown to be interested in coffee in the past year or two. I like to say I lived under a rock because of how much stuff I missed and had to learn late in life. I think the first time I had coffee I must have been 16 or 17 when I asked a friend to introduce it to me. I hated it that first time due to too many shots of caffeine I think. I used to mix it with hot cocoa and that's how I gained the taste for it. Personal side notes are in this bright color by the way.
Italian for "drowned", it's a shot of gelato or ice cream, usually vanilla that is drowned in espresso. Sometimes it is topped with chocolate or caramel sauce. Think root beer float, except with coffee instead. It could be fun to experiment with different ice cream flavors.
This term varies from country to country but refers to a coffee drink made by adding one or two shots of espresso to water. Apparently there is a wide variety of ways to make this though, sometimes it is equal parts espresso and water. In Western US it can be referred to as an "Italiano" and sometimes in Europe it is called a "Vermonto". I think this is made to imitate the effects of homemade coffee.
Espresso is poured into the bottom third of a cup, with about the same size layer of hot milk on that, and then milk foam on the top. Sometimes chocolate is mixed into the espresso on the bottom layer first, and spices like cinnamon or chocolate shavings can be sprinkled on the milk foam when finished.
These are stronger tasting, which is basically pretty bitter, since it is usually equal parts milk and espresso.
A cortado is espresso with warm milk. It can be made with 1 part milk to 1 part espresso, or 2 parts milk to 1 part espresso. (milk:espresso- 1:1 or 1:2)
"Espresso is a concentrated beverage brewed by forcing a small amount of nearly boiling water under pressure through finely ground coffee beans."
60 mL of espresso has 80-150 mg of caffeine.
2 fluid ounces of espresso has 80-150 mg of caffeine.
(Espresso is the actual coffee part with all of the caffeine that is in all of these drinks.)
This is a Starbucks trademarked drink that is basically different flavors mixed with coffee and made with crushed ice to be a cold coffee drink.
I think this is the drink Old Man likes best. He's supposed to be on a diet program so that he can get a hip surgery but he tends to go get Iced coffees anyways. -.-
Also known as a cafe latte, this drink is made with espresso and steamed milk. In this drink the milk is added to the cafe, which is the other way around in a latte macchiato. Also, the cafe latte is supposed to taste more strongly of coffee. Think of it as coffee with a little milk.
I finally learned one string of coffee words that always gives me a coffee taste that I like. I haven't been able to pin down any names of anything else I like so far. It's a skinny vanilla latte with soy. I always emphasize "with soy" because I love coffee and dairy makes me sick, and I wouldn't want to ruin myself for coffee again.
A drink that is mainly milk and milk foam with espresso being added to the milk as opposed to the other way around. It is like milk with a little coffee.
Meaning "stained", is an espresso with a little bit of foamed milk. This drink is a lot stronger than a Cappuccino even though they both have the same ingredients. The milk is basically a "stain", which indicates that the actual amount of milk is very small.
The cafe mocha differs from a cafe latte in that it has chocolate in it. It is hot milk and espresso, like a latte, but also some form of chocolate. It can be thought of as hot cocoa with coffee in it.
This is what I had today mixed with something else, but it tasted terrible. Considering that I actually grew accustomed to coffee by mixing it with hot cocoa, I would say that whatever I had today was made with dark chocolate or some really thick, terrible mixture of such.
These are the basic coffee mixes I think. Then I found some more coffee terms that are extremely helpful to me.
This is simply the number of espresso shots you wish to put in it. Extra shots means extra caffeine.
8 oz. Short drink
12 oz. Tall drinks include 1 shot already.
16 oz. Grande is 2 shots.
24 oz. Venti is 3 shots.
Soy refers to soy milk for people like me who are lactose intolerant.
Coffees with milk can be substituted with non-fat milk or skim milk.
This means that the drink will be made with sugar free syrups if it has any, and skim milk.
I have to specify that it needs to be sugar free sometimes, and I always specify that it needs to be made with soy, because skim or non-fat milk is still dairy and can still make me sick.
I was very pleased with the taste of the drink, which in other foods can be awful if it is lactose intolerant, and especially if it is sugar free. Also, I read up on it and my drink is really low in calories.
Made with half caffeinated and have decaffeinated.
Decaf is made with no caffeine or very little caffeine. A lot of the time it can be decaf and still have some caffeine in it so be careful.
These can be shots of flavors like vanilla, caramel, cinnamon, mocha (chocolate), and hazelnut.
Here is my other source. It may also be easier to understand than reading all of my reworded explanations.
So this is my calorie count so far.
Solid food calories:
Granola bar- 110
Whole wheat flat bagels- 110
Tiny cinnamon apple rice cake- 20 (?)
Minimart coffee 16 oz- 300+ (?)
Orange juice- 200 (?)
Root beer- 120
Total food calories: 320 calories
Total liquid calories: 620 calories
TOTAL CALORIES: 940 calories
So I am pretty worried about how many calories I have had but when I break it down like this, I haven't really been eating all that much food. I am hungry at the moment. By hungry I am referring less to my appetite and more to my stomach making hunger pangs. I actually poured some of the coffee out. I put some of the mocha or whatever in it and it just tasted way too sweet and chocolatey than I like. For me, chocolate and coffee don't mix very well. I don't know much about coffees and calories in relation to coffees so it could have been a lot more or a lot less than 300 calories. For some reason I am most concerned with the orange juice calories. That one could also be a lot more or a lot less than 200. I drank that one straight from the bottle, (I know, I know, tsk tsk), and I have a hard time estimating.
I might have a snack or something later but I will probably have another granola bar or a bagel so the calories will be under 200, but then again I feel somewhat uncomfortable eating anything more today. I will prabably be going to bed in the next five hours and that doesn't give me too much time or any reason to mess up. I think I will even bundle up and grab my mp3 player and walk to the park where I can swing on the swings for a while alone in the dark. I have some really great news but I am terrified to jinx it, and I am EXTREMELY stressed out about it even though it is good news. Change is change is terrifying change. Change scares me way more than it should. Also, I don't think I am going to be able to see or hear from my bf until Wednesday, which also stresses me out.
One good thing though. I am determined to lose weight by then. I want him to notice I have lost weight too. And the good thing? Stress makes me completely lose my appetite. Not eating is how I cope. It is calming. I am excited now. I think I can actually do this!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
I am 148.1 pounds!
How does it feel to be under 150 again? I would expect to be more excited but I am not. I might get excited when I start seeing those 130's on the scale again.
I still can't believe I lost 7 pounds. And by that I mean, I really don't believe it. I am wracking my brain trying to come up with any reason that I could have calculated that wrong... x.x
My face is starting to slim out just a tiny bit and so I can look in the mirror and at least like one thing about myself- until the feeling dies down and I pinch at my cheeks and realize they are still too round...
Oh well. I am going to lose it all soon enough.
Chin up everybody!
When I left, the scale there said I was 149 pounds so I had managed to lose another pound. This morning I weighed myself on the scale here. It is digital and about five pounds too high. This means that although I weighed in at 153.1 pounds, on the other scale I would be more like 148.1 pounds. I am not entirely sure though.
I am starting to doubt exactly how far behind this scale is. I mean, last time I was weighed at the doctors, I was wearing all my clothes and my shoes and that gave me an extra five to ten pounds. Maybe the one at my bf's is way off after all. Besides, normal people don't measure themselves naked. I only do it because then I can tell exact differences. If I always weighed myself in clothes and had a different outfit every day each weighing different amounts of extra weight, how would I ever be able to see the accurate difference?
So I am thinking that I should use the numbers on this scale. The other scale, even if it is more accurate takes off five pounds anyways and I don't want to just go with whichever one makes me happy. I just wish I knew how to calibrate the digital scale here. If I had any money I would get myself a new one but I don't.
So, I am going to say that since I lost five pounds while I was there, I would have weighed in at 160 at my heaviest on the scale here. That is horrifying, but that means that I have lost about 7 pounds so far. I promised myself I would dye my hair again once I reached 150. I passed it on that other scale, so I got D to buy me some new hair dye. I feel bad about that because he can't really afford anything right now. He is basically broke and jobless.
Once I get below 150 on this scale, I will let myself dye my hair platinum blond. My hair is already fairly blond but I hate the yellowy orange in it.
In conclusion, (because I know all the numbers I wrote are super confusing and all over the place), I have lost 7 pounds. I am at 148.1 pounds. That is the number I am going to settle on. And once I get below 145, (which would be 150 on the scale here), then I will reward myself for losing 10 pounds by dying my hair. My ex, H, won't be back until late tonight or early tomorrow morning because he is at his game night. I think he will most likely go right to sleep once he gets back so I won't have to deal with him trying to get me to eat.
I am getting a bit lonely, and for me that can get dangerous. My bf D hasn't talked to me since last night when I think I may have pissed him off and it is making me quite anxious. He promised to talk to me every day I was gone so that I wouldn't feel so lonely but he never keeps that promise and it is already 5 in the afternoon and he hasn't contacted me once. Wow that sounded pathetic...
D has his whole world for him there and I am out in this terrible place. Last night I was talking to Old Man and I said, "it isn't that bad here-" and he interrupted me to say, "Yes it is. It's terrible here. It's disgusting and it's a mess everywhere and..."
He's kind of right. It sucks here. We ALL want to get out of here.
Now I think I am off to get some coffee...
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I can hear D's mother saying how I was never good for him and now I have gone and done a selfish thing and proved her right. I can see her telling everyone what a terrible thing her son's girlfriend did to him. As if it would even be to hurt anyone else. I am pretty sure I would just be dead. I am pretty sure that if I wanted to hurt anyone I would do it in a very different way.
Last time I was in the hospital my dad drove me and he kept asking how I could do that to them so I made him leave me. I was at that hospital all alone for a day before I was taken to a mental ward and my parent's did not visit once because it would be a waste since I would be out soon enough anyways. I think that is always how it is going to be.
But then I think about what my sister said. I never really think about specific quotes like this and it was so simple, and somehow I knew it was true.
She's sixteen and has probably never even been friends with a male, and she said to me, "You are a princess. Don't ever feel like you are worthless."
I can't get past that.
When did I start letting D's mom control how I thought about myself?
I've been through a shit ton and if she can't see how strong I am, it is only because she can't see past herself.
I shouldn't care how she feels about me dying my hair to express myself. I shouldn't care how she thinks when I have to go into the mental hospital to help myself. I've been thinking about that lately. Sometimes I get manic and I just want to go away and be taken care of and sometimes I really want help. I don't know that I would ever actually reach out for it again but it is a thought in my mind that she will think terribly of me.
My bf said last time I was thinking about it that I should tell him when I do go and I asked why. He said so that he could visit me every day because he knew my parent's sure wouldn't.
I wonder a little bit if maybe he isn't like everyone else and actually can support me more emotionally.
I don't know. I shouldn't be judged but I am. I shouldn't let my thoughts be ruled by other people judging me, but sometimes I really can't help it.
Maybe we really can control our emotions to a point, but if we as people never cared about what other people thought we wouldn't be human. We are all hurt by other people at some time or another.
So anyways. For dinner I had mashed potatoes and gravy and chicken and an ear of corn. I am estimating that very vaguely at 800 calories. I ate quite a bit of the mashed potatoes. I love potatoes...
D's mom is coming back on Monday I think. I told D I wanted to leave tomorrow but I am going to be miserable when I go back to the apartment and I don't know how long I can last.
I just hope I can scrounge up enough money for some coffee every once in a while. It may be the only thing to help keep me going.
I should also mention I finally go that keyboard I have been wanting for so long. Now I can play the piano whenever I want. I wonder if that will help me when I am there...?
I think he knows about it to an extent, but there isn't anything he can really do. I remember telling him from the start that if he interfered with my eating habits I would leave because I just can't handle anyone controlling me that way. So it is kind of my own doing... but even knowing all of that, it can feel hurtful sometimes.
Thanks for helping me not feel so alone about the whole bf's mother thing. I hope if I ever have kids I don't get quite like that.
Also, I think I care more about fat calories and calories in drinks with dairy like milkshakes or coffee or hot cocoa than any soda calories, but when they get to me I turn into a diet cola junkie too. :)
I know I sound like a whiny little bitch but I have nothing. Quite literally.
His grandma found a brand new pair of boots, never been worn, and when my bf said I could have them, his grandma told him his mom would want them. Then he said how his mother has two brand new expensive pairs of boots sitting up in the attic that haven't been worn in two years. His mom can hardly walk half the time. She doesn't go outside in the winter. I haven't had boots in years. The only pair of boots I have is an old brown hiking pair that I got for free at a thrift store when I was homeless a year ago.
It really isn't my place to say anything though. I don't belong in this house, and I will never belong in his family. His mom comes first. Why should I come first anyways? It's bullshit. I will never be number one so I can either settle for second or get lost. He will always love his mother more than me. Is it stupid to want to be his one and only???
No more selfish self pity or woe is me. That's what I would like to say anyways. I would rather sit here and hate my situation and be angry about it than to have massive panic attacks like I usually do. I'm grateful for any change of pace to be honest. All I want is a home but then I will surely want something more after that.
Anyways, I hit 150 this morning- or really, this afternoon. But I am not happy, and it's one of those days when I wonder if I ever will be.
Why can't I just get a job and live on my own like other people?
My bf is expecting me to help him carry things downstairs from the garage. I got up and nearly passed out. I haven't eaten yet. He doesn't even need my help, he just wants it. Maybe if I was really thin and frail he would actually treat me like a lady and carry things for me. Maybe then he would respect me like his old frail mother. I just want to be treated like I matter, and right now I feel like I am on the bottom of the food chain, even after him.
God I sound like a bitch... but I've got to say, it's about bloody time. I'm tired of being walked on. Sadly, the anger will just make other people dislike me. I don't matter here.
So I can stay here for long periods of time when she's not there but I can't bring the important things over like I live here. I don't feel welcome.
I know I get dangerous when I am back there, but I am thinking about going back to the apartment this weekend. It will be bad and I will resist coming back, but in the end I know I will give in, just to have my bf as a comfort again. I don't know why I bother but I feel like I should at least try to keep up the image of living where I actually live.
I feel like shit. I don't want to be here...
I feel so disgusting.
I usually get panicky when I eat too much, which is about every day, so I think about exercising. Sometimes I actually do it, but after I found out how few calories you burn off in an hour of walking I've just of given up. What's the point of burning off such a tiny part of the calories that is going to show up in another way on the scale the next morning? It won't keep off enough weight to even be measurable. If I had that stationary bike I would be on it in a heartbeat... But I don't.
Yesterday after posting about how much I had eaten so far and about the coffee, I actually ended up eating more and snacking. I did manage to cut down the number of dinner calories though. For dinner, I think I had carrots and one piece of toast. I may have had a good 500 calories of candy though. Just things like gummy bears. I wonder what it would really add up to if someone measured, but I don't know if it was a low amount of calories and that's why I lost three pounds, (doubtful), or if I just ended up losing a ton of water weight.
Either way, it felt like a success for me this morning, and it has fueled me to do better today.
For my only meal I had:
2 pieces of whole wheat toast- 200
2 hash brown patties- 300
green beans- >100
If you add in my liquid calories:
1 Pepsi- 160
2 hot cocoas- 300
This is all rounded up just in case, with maybe ten calories added here or there to make it easier. I did have ketchup with my hash brown patties so I think it all adds up pretty evenly.
Total calories of only food: 600 calories
Total calories including liquids: 1060 calories
I usually don't count the liquid calories because for some reason they don't really seem to count but today I've been wondering. Once I only consumed liquids for a day, including soda drinks with a total of over 1500 calories and still lost a good amount of weight by the next day. Either way, 1060 calories is pretty good for me considering lately.
I am hungry at the moment but I feel really good about it and I know that I will not be eating again until after I next wake up. I know why I have control all of a sudden though. I think there are less foods around for me to binge on. At the moment, the only foods that I am comfortable getting to are foods that do not appeal to me right now in the least. I actually have some candy's right next to the bed and I am not interesting in even touching them. It's fascinating really.
I wish I had complete self control all the time. I have also been really forcing myself to realize when I am full and stop. It means that since I have been skipping meals completely, my stomach has shrunk and it takes very little to fill me up. I sometimes wonder if I could become a bulimic. I have made myself throw up before. It's been a while and I often think about it but it has never been convenient enough for me to do it without worrying about the ramifications. I always feel as if someone would notice.
My bf has been reinforcing the idea that I am beautiful no matter what I look like, but I once got him to admit that he did like the way I looked when I was skinnier better. That's all I needed. He knows that I have eating issues and I told him that I wanted to lose weight fast and that I didn't want to eat much. He didn't seem to care either way. He just said okay. He hasn't tried to get me to eat once. It is helpful and somewhat supportive, and yet still makes me feel alone and abandoned. Does he not care that I am willing to starve myself to death to look the way I want to look? I try not to harbor on it too much.
I guess I have gotten back into blogging so you guys can expect me to be posting nearly every day, and sometimes many times a day like I have been lately. I will end this lengthy post here.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
It's only Wednesday so I have four days to lose two pounds, and I would love to get under 150 by Sunday.
Because I woke up so late then I am going to wait to eat until dinner, since my bf's dad is going to be there. I just hope I am not binge eating all night again.