Saturday, April 20, 2013

Thank you so much for your comments lately, Emma Phoenix, Alice May, and Scarlett. You have no idea how much it means to me that I still have some support somewhere. Again, thanks.

I just cycled on the stationary bike at my parents' house for another hour. It said I cycled the equivelent of over ten miles, and burned just over 400 calories. Awesome! That means I have burned a total of at least 600 calories on the bike today.
I calculated a very vague estimate that I consumed about 2000 calories. It may be an overestimate but I would rather over estimate than underestimate. That means that the 2000 I consumed minus the 600 I burned off, my total is about 1400 calories. That is maybe enough to maintain today's weight.
I feel as if my metabolism is really good right now, considering I have been eating like a pig lately, so I may have burned more than that. I may lose. It's hard to tell.
At some point after eating, I weighed on this little scale in the downstairs bathroom here, at around 153-154 pounds. It's not a digital scale so it's harder to be exact. As long as I am below that when I wake up in the morning, I have lost weight. The number doesn't matter so much. I am sure that the scale is so old that it could very well be many pounds off, but I can always compare when I get back to the apartment scale. My main goal here is to lose something. My main goal here, is to lose anything.
Anything is better than maintaining weight, and maintaining is somehow better than gaining but still not good enough.
I am exhausted so I think I will try and sleep, but I am excited to wake up in the morning.

I find it interesting that I have so much enthusiasm towards gaining weight, but not life. Right now it feels like this is the only thing I can change for the better. I suppose any enthusiasm is better than being manic depressive.
Lately I have been rock bottom. It was pretty bad. I considered going back into the hospital or getting help somewhere, which is how I ended up here at my parents' house. It was so bad that my every waking thought was centered around how to end it. The weird and somewhat horrifying thing is that I am not depressed about me. I love myself more than I ever did and I have self confidence and self respect. My issue is my life. I am going to lose everything this year. I can't do anything about it. It's like trying to save everyone at once. It's like that moment in spider man where Mary-Jane or whatever her name was, was being suspended on one side of the bridge, and a cable car was suspended on the other side filled with children. How do you choose? The difference is, I can't save anything. It's getting to be really hard on me. My bf is comforting and making things easier, but he can't fix my problems, and when he and I have a falling out, I feel as if I am all alone in the world and have to shoulder it all by myself. It's very lonely.
I better get to bed now. Goodnight.

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I'm glad you are at you family's house so at least you have other people around you for now. I hope you will be ok <3
    Alice xx