Monday, April 15, 2013

I feel like no one can hear me.
I feel all alone.
I feel like, even if I screamed and screamed for hours on end, everyone would just pass me by without a glance.
I feel like the people who matter to me don't share the same feelings. I feel like I am on the inside of a box made of one sided glass.
I feel like the people who I matter to are few and far between. I feel like those who love me have forgotten me. I feel like I am slowly fading away and becoming invisible. No, I am invisible. I am unheard.
I feel like my life is a terrible one way street. I may love others, but perhaps I am mistaken in thinking they love me back.
I feel... like I am failing. I am failing a constant battle. There are no small victories. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle.

I sent my bf some emails last night and he would have seen them by now. It's nearly a full day after I sent them. I also sent a text message that R had quit his job and I was worried. I know D, my bf, doesn't work today. He could have responded but he didn't. And I know well from experience that he probably will not get back to me. The only way we stay in contact when I do not live there is when I angrily call him every other day or so asking for some response. I know he has no life. It's not possible to not be able to find five minutes to tell me he loves me or that everything will be okay.
My only conclusion is to believe that he does not want to make an effort. If I stop calling and texting, will he ever actually get a hold of me? I am going to do so and see the results. In the meantime I need to lose weight. I cannot remain fat. It is killing me. I am miserable and losing weight makes me feel better. Who cares if being eating disordered is hurtful? I don't. No one else cares either. I have cut and OD-ed on pills and things like that since middle school. No one ever cared enough to make me care.
How can I learn to love myself, when I have never gotten an example of someone else loving me? I don't quite know what to base it off of. Besides, loneliness makes no one happy. I don't even want to try.
I am so tired of being a burden to other people. I think that is all that I am to D and to everyone else. I am a burden. The least I can do is make less of me to burden them with.

3 comments:

  1. Oh sweetheart, I wish I could send you a hug. We all go through times in our lives when we feel like we are good for nothing except converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. You DO matter. You are not invisible. Its really disheartening when it seems like no one can hear you or cares. Stop calling and texting your bf. It seems counter-productive but you need space too. He gets to decide the fate of this relationship. You deserve more than just hanging on to someones coat tails. Hold your head up today. At least try to. Because you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

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  2. Sometimes I love the anonimity that these blogs give us, other times I curse it because I want nothing more than to give you a massive hugin person and be able to tell you to your face that you matter and that there are people who care about you.

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