Saturday, April 13, 2013

I am completely stressing out.

Last night my bf's dad, (let me mention that he still lives with his parents), basically yelled at me for no reason. I may be paranoid but I thought I heard his dad yelling about how lazy I am and how I never do anything around here through the floor. My bf denies it and says his dad was yelling about how filthy it is here. I think that the only thing that would make it cleaner would be throwing away a few bits of wrappers on the counter and some vacuum lines on the carpet because there really wasn't any dirt on it anyways. Then my bf made him dinner out of my food from the money on my EBT food card. Not okay. He always makes those people dinner. It's like he's not even their kid, just some servant to do all of their bidding. His grandma wanted him to wake up at seven in the morning to change her tire for her. His mom does it all the time...

Anyways, I am so anxious about any socializing or existing near his dad so I am heading back to the apartment for the first time in weeks probably.
I didn't sleep and I have been up since some time yesterday. I feel fat. I am teetering at a disgusting, whopping 150 pounds. The whole fat mindset has set in and I feel like the disgusting fat has become me. I feel like I am something worthless, and horrible, and unappealing, and just overall unacceptable.
Last time I went back, I lasted maybe a day or two and then cut up my arm for the first time in a long time, and the only thing that kept me okay the first day was H keeping me company.

I think that apartment is getting to be like my parents house. I just can't go back or I panic and my life seems meaningless and pointless. I mean, it is a bit meaningless. I literally have no substance to my existence. I don't exist anywhere. I can't work, can't go to school, can't can't can't. I can't get out. I can't have freedom. America may once have been the land of the free, but now it is just the land of few opportunities, near impossible living arrangements, and possible work or educational dead ends.

It's no wonder everyone I know is struggling with money, with living, and/or with depression.
Even my parents who have a considerable income have depression problems, and are so messed up and so religiously moronic that they have amounted to less than acceptable people in my eyes. I have no respect for the rich and self righteous, even if they are my own parent's.

Sorry for the tirade. I am just so ridiculously terrified of going back. I know I cannot stay here forever. I am not even welcome here. I am sick of being trapped in a corner and literally not having any place to go.
There is no room for my food there and food goes bad or gets eaten by others or thrown away too often. It's no wonder I run out of food by the end of every month. I usually go a week without food, or near to no food at the end of each month.

My bf cannot understand. He has been babied and taken care of all of his life. I just found out my bf actually has a second car that his parents also gave him. He wants to sell it to have some extra money for toys for himself. He has never starved a day in his life, and he has never been cold or had need to want for anything.
I really don't want to date the spoiled brat anymore. I think I am going to lay down the law.

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