Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I just added my thinspo playlist from YouTube to the ana's Playlist page. It's the one towards the bottom.
I haven't eaten anything else yet. I am starting to feel very hungry which is good. My stomach hurts because it isn't used to being hungry all the time anymore. I am looking forward to being down a pound by tomorrow.
My bigger goal is to lose five pounds a week. I am determined to lose twenty pounds in a month. I want to be at my low weight again so much.
I want to see my hip bones and have tiny legs that have a thigh gap. I want a flat stomach and I want to be able to see my ribs and my collarbones again. I want to see my cheekbones...
I feel as if I have lost interest with my readers, which is not too surprising to me.
No one really wants to read, "I have eaten this much today" and "I hate my life" every day.
I'm okay with that. But I think I should find some goal that would interest everyone. If it's not exciting enough for everyone else, it certainly isn't going to motivate me to do anything or go anywhere with my life.
So, for a start, I know I love weight loss goals. I'm going to make a steeper one.

In five days it will be Sunday. I want to be down to 150 by Sunday. That is my goal.
Five pounds in five days.
If I can do that I think I will reward myself by dying my hair again. I am blond right now but in certain lights it looks very yellow and orange. I want to bleach it again and maybe put in another ash blond to take out the red tints. The whiter my blond is the better, and once it is as blond as I like, then I will put in the pink and the blue. That is something to look forward to.

I found a picture from when I was 135 and my face looks amazing in it. I had cheekbones. My face is very round and chubby now. It is good motivation. I would post the picture but I doubt anyone would look at it in the short period I would leave it up. However, if anyone wants to see it, I will put it up by request.
So I am drinking a skinny vanilla latte with soy- 140 calories.
I had a big breakfast which sucks.
The coffee really helps to calm me down.
I ended up going on this five day trip to another state with my bf and his mom but now I am back.
The only problem is, it seems I have gone back up on the scale here. That means that even if I am 155 on the scale here, at the apartment it would say I am 160. I hate the entire idea.
I have to lose weight...
The coffee definitely helps with appetite. The only problem is, my bf's dad is home right now and he is pretty judgmental when it comes to eating food. He gets pretty upset when I don't want to be social and have dinner with them and my bf always makes lots of high calorie food and then loads my plate up and I feel like I have to eat it all. I will find a way around it though. I don't want to eat for the rest of the day.
My total so far is:

2 hash brown patties- 500 calories
2 pieces of bread- 200 calories
1 piece of chocolate cake- 400 calories
coffee- 140
Total calories= 1240 calories.

I will be pretty unhappy if I go above 1500 but I think I would be okay with it if I only had liquids like coffee for the rest of the day.
It sucks not being able to fit into all of these clothes I fit into just a few months ago. I am feeling pretty down about that but I have the power to make change and I do so want to fit into them again for summer.
So, this has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, but just before I went on my trip to another state I ended up getting a new fish. I wasn't expecting it. I went to go get some food for my fish Dog, and saw the little fish and suddenly had to get it.
Just a little background on me and fish here- I have a thing for plecostumuses (plecos). They are fish that suck on the inside of the tank to clean it, and you usually see them in big tanks at dentist or doctor's offices.
I had a few plecos die before I got my oldest pleco, so when I got her (I thought it was a boy at the time) I didn't want to grow attached to her because I figured she would just die too. That's why I named her Dog. To me it was just a name for a doomed fish. Turns out she wouldn't die and she's lived for quite some time. They can live up to 10-15 years and grow up to the size of 2 feet long. I got Dog when she was maybe an inch long. Now she is about 10 inches.
This is what Dog looks like:

This isn't an actual picture of her but it looks just like her. It kind of looks like Toothless from "How To Train Your Dragon", except underwater and has no wings or legs...
Fish have more personality than people think. I feel like not a lot of people actually care for fish.
Dog for example, does this thing with her eyes where you would swear she is staring at you and then she actually winks. She also thrashes around at the bottom so that the water has little tidal waves and when the water clears, all the gravel is on the other side of the tank. The other fish always look very affronted when she does this.

Anyways, my new fish is actually an albino bristlenose pleco, which means whens she gets bigger she can grow big bristles on her nose, which would indicate that she is actually a he.
I was convinced I would come back from the other state after several days of leaving her alone and she would be floating on the top dead, but she is just fine.
This is what she will look like grown up:

I named the little albino Cow.
Someday I want to have a giant pond and put Dog and Cow together. I am actually hoping they are opposite gender and will mate and have a ton of little baby plecos.
I have this silly theory that the loch ness monster is actually a giant pleco. It would hate sunlight and never come up like normal plecos, and would spend it's life just sucking the bottom of the lake trying to clean it up.
Well, enough boring talk about fish... I think they are quite wonderful creatures but you can decide for yourself. :)

Sunday, April 28, 2013

When someone random on the streets puts you down, you don't let it bother you because they don't matter. But then you meet someone who does. You run into someone older with experience and higher social standings and all it takes is one breath to knock you down a few pegs and make you feel like you are worth nothing.
Suddenly you're worth is measured out in very basic terms. You have no job, no money, no house, no skills, no family, no confidence and no say in anything.
I feel like the prostitute fallen in love with a man from a prestegious family. I do not belong. My own family treated me like I was worthless and so that's what I've become. I have to step carefully or the rich family will cut me out fast. My bf is in the family and has to do nothing but follow orders. I never belonged then, and I don't belong now.
In simple terms, my worth is summed up by whether I get a paycheck or not and, my age. I have no one to back me up. I suffer from mental illness. Depression is just weakness. Everything I am is just weakness because I cannot do what other people can. Or in their words, I just won't do it. All my mental illness is is just an excuse. If I am not strong by myself, I am prey.
I just want to die. I will never be worth something in the eyes of those that matter. In the eyes of those that matter to me and I- them, I will never be good enough.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Okay so I woke up and lost at least one if not two pounds. It's harder to tell with this scale but it was obvious to me that I lost weight since yesterday. Even my stomach feels smaller.
I am guessing that I am 152 at most on that scale. That means that I could be at or under 150 by tomorrow morning. I get to see my bf tomorrow which is exciting, but I always eat too much when I am around him. The worst thing that could happen is that I gain the five pounds back and end up at 155 again. It could be worse. If I hadn't lost any and didn't lose any by tomorrow morning, I could end up nearing the 160's. That is a scary thought...
My low weight is 130 though as of a few months ago so I know I can reach it again. The problem there would be trying to stay there or get under it. But I am excited for the opportunity.
I think I am going back to the apartment tomorrow afternoon. I have a few dollars for coffee and maybe that will keep me through one day. Also, the weather is getting warmer and there is no snow so I can go outside and walk as much as I like. Maybe if my bf gets my bike back to me I can exercise that way. I should lose weight better there. There is no one to feed me but myself there.
Today I have eaten a whole wheat bagel with strawberry cream cheese- about 400 calories.
And I also had seven layer stack up, which is mostly vegetables, with tortilla chips. I have no idea how much that would be but I think I will estimate high at 700 calories. I also had a little bit of ice cream, which measures up to maybe 300 calories.
Altogether, that is 1400 calories. That is much less than yesterday. I think I must have counted way too high for yesterday anyways and that's why I lost what I did, so today if my estimate is high and I exercise like I did yesterday, I should be all set for losing again.
I went through my clothes here, looking for things I can wear during the summer time and I found something I forgot I had- some lingerie. I tried it on and it fits but would look just stunning on me if I were at least ten pounds smaller. This is good motivation for me- to look hot for D.
Thank you so much for your comments lately, Emma Phoenix, Alice May, and Scarlett. You have no idea how much it means to me that I still have some support somewhere. Again, thanks.

I just cycled on the stationary bike at my parents' house for another hour. It said I cycled the equivelent of over ten miles, and burned just over 400 calories. Awesome! That means I have burned a total of at least 600 calories on the bike today.
I calculated a very vague estimate that I consumed about 2000 calories. It may be an overestimate but I would rather over estimate than underestimate. That means that the 2000 I consumed minus the 600 I burned off, my total is about 1400 calories. That is maybe enough to maintain today's weight.
I feel as if my metabolism is really good right now, considering I have been eating like a pig lately, so I may have burned more than that. I may lose. It's hard to tell.
At some point after eating, I weighed on this little scale in the downstairs bathroom here, at around 153-154 pounds. It's not a digital scale so it's harder to be exact. As long as I am below that when I wake up in the morning, I have lost weight. The number doesn't matter so much. I am sure that the scale is so old that it could very well be many pounds off, but I can always compare when I get back to the apartment scale. My main goal here is to lose something. My main goal here, is to lose anything.
Anything is better than maintaining weight, and maintaining is somehow better than gaining but still not good enough.
I am exhausted so I think I will try and sleep, but I am excited to wake up in the morning.

I find it interesting that I have so much enthusiasm towards gaining weight, but not life. Right now it feels like this is the only thing I can change for the better. I suppose any enthusiasm is better than being manic depressive.
Lately I have been rock bottom. It was pretty bad. I considered going back into the hospital or getting help somewhere, which is how I ended up here at my parents' house. It was so bad that my every waking thought was centered around how to end it. The weird and somewhat horrifying thing is that I am not depressed about me. I love myself more than I ever did and I have self confidence and self respect. My issue is my life. I am going to lose everything this year. I can't do anything about it. It's like trying to save everyone at once. It's like that moment in spider man where Mary-Jane or whatever her name was, was being suspended on one side of the bridge, and a cable car was suspended on the other side filled with children. How do you choose? The difference is, I can't save anything. It's getting to be really hard on me. My bf is comforting and making things easier, but he can't fix my problems, and when he and I have a falling out, I feel as if I am all alone in the world and have to shoulder it all by myself. It's very lonely.
I better get to bed now. Goodnight.
Today I had one and a half sloppy joe type sandwiches, several cookies, ice cream and then two grilled cheese sandwich. I guess it could be worse. I would feel worse but I am at my parents' house, and there is an exercise bike down here. I burned 200 calories earlier and have felt hungry for two long periods today. Hopefully I can reach that again before going to bed. I need to feel empty before sleeping. I think I actually already feel empty, but I want to burn lots of calories anyways.
I haven't been this thrilled to exercise in a long time. The exercise bike can burn off so many calories, much faster than walking. I need to be skinny. Screw being 120 pounds, that was only ever my first major goal anyways. I want to be under 100. I know that is ridiculous to everyone else, but I don't really care anymore. I'm not doing this for them. I am doing it for me.
First I have to get down into the 140's though. I may be already but I don't know how this scale measures up to the other two. All I know is that my stomach protrudes and I want it gone. That is my first order of business. I want to be able to go to the thrift store and get a summer wardrobe in a small size. Where I am now is just not acceptable.

Monday, April 15, 2013

I feel like no one can hear me.
I feel all alone.
I feel like, even if I screamed and screamed for hours on end, everyone would just pass me by without a glance.
I feel like the people who matter to me don't share the same feelings. I feel like I am on the inside of a box made of one sided glass.
I feel like the people who I matter to are few and far between. I feel like those who love me have forgotten me. I feel like I am slowly fading away and becoming invisible. No, I am invisible. I am unheard.
I feel like my life is a terrible one way street. I may love others, but perhaps I am mistaken in thinking they love me back.
I feel... like I am failing. I am failing a constant battle. There are no small victories. Maybe I am fighting a losing battle.

I sent my bf some emails last night and he would have seen them by now. It's nearly a full day after I sent them. I also sent a text message that R had quit his job and I was worried. I know D, my bf, doesn't work today. He could have responded but he didn't. And I know well from experience that he probably will not get back to me. The only way we stay in contact when I do not live there is when I angrily call him every other day or so asking for some response. I know he has no life. It's not possible to not be able to find five minutes to tell me he loves me or that everything will be okay.
My only conclusion is to believe that he does not want to make an effort. If I stop calling and texting, will he ever actually get a hold of me? I am going to do so and see the results. In the meantime I need to lose weight. I cannot remain fat. It is killing me. I am miserable and losing weight makes me feel better. Who cares if being eating disordered is hurtful? I don't. No one else cares either. I have cut and OD-ed on pills and things like that since middle school. No one ever cared enough to make me care.
How can I learn to love myself, when I have never gotten an example of someone else loving me? I don't quite know what to base it off of. Besides, loneliness makes no one happy. I don't even want to try.
I am so tired of being a burden to other people. I think that is all that I am to D and to everyone else. I am a burden. The least I can do is make less of me to burden them with.
R quit his job. He's the gay brother of my ex by the way, who has his own apartment. I guess he got bored of working at Walmart after several years of working there full time, and told them he would be starting a new job by the end of last month. I can't believe how incredibly stupid he is. I am so tired of this...
He never got a job lined up for himself. He's not high demand and he doesn't have any degrees or certificates to help him out. Now he is one of us.
I don't know what he plans on doing. As far as I can tell, everyone else around him basically got him the job. Old man was the one who filled out the application and everything. And now R has thrown that all away.
He has his own apartment, so rent will be a problem. He likes to splurge on games and things he doesn't need. He has two cats to take care of and will have to pay for power and enternet. I really have no idea what he was thinking.
Now, you might be wondering how this would effect me. If he can't find a job and pay his rent, he may end up coming back to live with his dad. That would be in this apartment, living with me. There are only two rooms as it is. The old man sleeps on the floor on the living room, which he should take his own bed but he won't. K, H and R's sister lives in the other room using the old man's bed, and I sleep on a moldy mattress next to H in the second room.
I will not handle R living here. He likes to go through everyone's stuff. He is a liar and a klepto and that means he steals things. Things always break around here. He will probably say I have no right to be here and I will have to leave. If not, he will probably manipulate and make up stories and break things until I would rather live on the streets. Honestly, I would already rather live on the streets. If R moves in, I move out. I may have to go to my parent's house and live there for a while. I will probably end up attempting suicide.
This entire year everything is going to fall apart.
R quit his job, my bf can't get me out or won't. H is getting a job but I don't know how far that goes. My entire family is moving to another state. My cat and my things are at my parent's house. If they leave and my cat isn't with me by then, they are taking her with them to be a permanent outside cat. Her lifespan as an outside cat is almost over, and she's lived here for so long that once she is let loose in the yard, she will never come back. She will run as far as she can away from them, and die in the desert that they have decided to move to. My things...? It hasn't even be discussed. I know they would never pay for a storage space for me so as far as I know they will throw it out or throw out a lot of it and then take it with them to be nice. Then I will have no access to my stuff until I can afford to have it shipped back or something.
It's looking terrible this year. Basically my only foreseeable chance is if H really does get a job and really does get a two room apartment so that I have a place to live. But then, how long will that last until he decides to quit again? How long until he gets sick of me again? And it isn't exactly ideal for me to be living with, and supported by my ex-boyfriend, even if he is my best friend right now? My boyfriend doesn't seem to realize how bad my life is at the moment, watching this terrible play about to happen before me. He's never seemed to realize though. He's been so spoiled all his life, that he doesn't know how to empathize or even sympathize. It's tiring and it's already old. He needs to grow up a bit and open his eyes.
My boyfriend also hates that I live with my ex, and we talked and if I have to move in with my ex when he gets a new place, I will, and my bf is just going to have to deal with it.
I am pretty scared right now, but honestly, I just wish something would finally happen. The anxiety and the wait is killing me, and lately I have nothing to do at all and that also tears me apart. It's like sitting in a cage for days on end. I still have to do those cartoons for my dad but I feel as if I am running out of time. I don't really even want to do them but I must.
I hope this whole post hasn't been too much of a downer... But I'm feeling pretty down.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

I am completely stressing out.

Last night my bf's dad, (let me mention that he still lives with his parents), basically yelled at me for no reason. I may be paranoid but I thought I heard his dad yelling about how lazy I am and how I never do anything around here through the floor. My bf denies it and says his dad was yelling about how filthy it is here. I think that the only thing that would make it cleaner would be throwing away a few bits of wrappers on the counter and some vacuum lines on the carpet because there really wasn't any dirt on it anyways. Then my bf made him dinner out of my food from the money on my EBT food card. Not okay. He always makes those people dinner. It's like he's not even their kid, just some servant to do all of their bidding. His grandma wanted him to wake up at seven in the morning to change her tire for her. His mom does it all the time...

Anyways, I am so anxious about any socializing or existing near his dad so I am heading back to the apartment for the first time in weeks probably.
I didn't sleep and I have been up since some time yesterday. I feel fat. I am teetering at a disgusting, whopping 150 pounds. The whole fat mindset has set in and I feel like the disgusting fat has become me. I feel like I am something worthless, and horrible, and unappealing, and just overall unacceptable.
Last time I went back, I lasted maybe a day or two and then cut up my arm for the first time in a long time, and the only thing that kept me okay the first day was H keeping me company.

I think that apartment is getting to be like my parents house. I just can't go back or I panic and my life seems meaningless and pointless. I mean, it is a bit meaningless. I literally have no substance to my existence. I don't exist anywhere. I can't work, can't go to school, can't can't can't. I can't get out. I can't have freedom. America may once have been the land of the free, but now it is just the land of few opportunities, near impossible living arrangements, and possible work or educational dead ends.

It's no wonder everyone I know is struggling with money, with living, and/or with depression.
Even my parents who have a considerable income have depression problems, and are so messed up and so religiously moronic that they have amounted to less than acceptable people in my eyes. I have no respect for the rich and self righteous, even if they are my own parent's.

Sorry for the tirade. I am just so ridiculously terrified of going back. I know I cannot stay here forever. I am not even welcome here. I am sick of being trapped in a corner and literally not having any place to go.
There is no room for my food there and food goes bad or gets eaten by others or thrown away too often. It's no wonder I run out of food by the end of every month. I usually go a week without food, or near to no food at the end of each month.

My bf cannot understand. He has been babied and taken care of all of his life. I just found out my bf actually has a second car that his parents also gave him. He wants to sell it to have some extra money for toys for himself. He has never starved a day in his life, and he has never been cold or had need to want for anything.
I really don't want to date the spoiled brat anymore. I think I am going to lay down the law.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Swimsuit Thinspo Victoria's Secret

I would rather get a new swimsuit in a smaller size so that I don't have to stay big to fit in it, or lose weight and have to get a new one later on. That would suck. I could never find enough money for a second one.
This year I am planning on getting a two piece swimsuit. I have never had one before. I came from a Mormon family and therefore had to wear a one piece. I don't mind one piece swimsuits, but I would like to try a two piece. I feel if I got the right kind it would support me better...

The first day of summer is technically June 21st.
I guess that gives me a good amount of time to lose the weight. However, I do not have money for a summer wardrobe. I never had any good summer clothes before because my mom always shopped at the thrift store all of my teenage years at least. Somehow my younger sisters all got new clothes though.
I have one little pair of shorts, maybe a black one hidden away somewhere but I don't know where. I got the black one last year and the newer one is from a few weeks ago. It's little and blue and I made sure to get it in a smaller size so that I would be forced to lose weight in order to fit into it.
I have a UTI and it sucks but I refuse to go to the doctor. I have some antibiotics and some cranberry juice, and I am drinking lots of water.
I am actually kind of grossed out sometimes by my current bf. Is that weird?
I swear he excretes some kind of odor in his sleep and when his head is turned in my direction, he breathes death breath into my face. I know this isn't very nice but it is tiring. I can't remember the last time I had my own bed.
My dad called me to ask me to do some cartoon work for a presentation for him.  I drew out three pages of drawings and he wants at least two major changes to each sheet. I don't know if I will even get around to it. It is miserable to finally sum up enough energy to get something done and then nothing about it is right. The coloring has to be a certain way, and I have to redraw half of it which means that there will be marks where to old drawings were and so it will look crappy. But I am not just going to redraw all of the drawings. Hell no. It is very frustrating.
It felt like, "This looks great and you are an amazing artist, but I hate everything about it. Do it over." He didn't really say that exactly but he might as well have. Either way he paid for a phone card for me- not the unlimited one of course- and is willing to pay me a measly $20 for my work. It took me a good hour or two to draw up the first drawings. To fix them up will take another hour and I'm sure the inking and coloring will take another two hours. Maybe that is an exaggeration of my time, but that is still maybe $4 an hour.
Besides that, I don't have much if any respect for my dad and I wonder why that is? He's always treated me like this.
I missed my sister's birthday. She turned ten and I wasn't there. I was going to do an experiment and so since Easter or earlier, I have decided not to call my mom and wait until she contacts me. It's been several weeks now. She never called on Easter, and she never called on my sister's birthday. She didn't call for the last family birthday either when another of my sisters turned 16. I came over on her birthday on my own only to find out that they had celebrated her birthday the day before and there was no cake left and they had forgotten to tell me.
Sometimes it feels like my family died and someone forgot to tell me.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Today I didn't eat since maybe one this morning- before I last posted- but I have eaten some.
1 banana- 100 calories
Cinnamon apple sauce- 1/2 cup= 90 calories
Crackers sandwich snack pack- 190 calories
So my total so far is 380 calories. I guess that isn't too bad. I have a feeling that I will be eating again later when my bf comes back from work.

My friend and ex-bf H had some good news for me today. He is taking the nurses aid class that I wish I could have taken. Today was his first day. His mom paid for it, which is nice. He figures he will have a job by the end of the month. It is in high demand and the class is supposed to help him get into a job anyways. He also offered a while ago to get a two room apartment so that I could have a place to live. I never figured H as the one who would get me out, but we'll see. My bf would not be very happy with the situation and for that reason I may have to turn it down, but if I do, it will be years before I can get into any kind of comfortable living situation. H says he hopes the job will pay well enough. I am trying not to hope too much.

I can see a lot of bad things cropping up if I did end up staying with him. It could be a blessing or something more of a curse. But I think a good amount of the bad stuff could be avoided if I made sure to remember that me and H are just friends, and especially if he remembers it too. He doesn't have a new girlfriend to help him remember, but I have D. I do really want to make it work with D. I have been having relationship issues with him lately, and I see a lot of it as things I can't really help with. I guess they aren't as much relationship issues as just his issues. I have tried to help as much as I can but a lot of the issues are things he needs to resolve on his own.
Sigh... I hope he changes for the better or we could go downhill very fast.

Sometimes, as terrifying as it is, I imagine breaking up with him and dating H again. It's unbearable, the idea of breaking up with D, but more because I have learned to rely on him for so long, and I would be afraid of not having a way out of that place. I wonder if that feeling would change if I had a place to live.
I just decided I want to do a fast. I haven't done a fast in what feels like forever. I can't go on like this.
It is Tuesday, April 9th, 2013 and 2 in the morning. I want it to last forever but we'll make it a 24 hour fast to start with. I would prefer a 2 or 3 day fast but I am not sure how things will go.
I am vaguely about 150 pounds. I feel disgusting. I was starting to like my body back when I was about 130 pounds. That was a few months ago if that.

I wish life were easier. I have no place to go. I don't want to live with my bf in his parent's basement. There are no other options. I don't see myself moving anywhere for at least another year if not more like two or three years. It just won't happen. I am not in control of my life. I have no say in what will happen. I have no way to earn income. I have to rely on others. This is the pain that is hell.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

I need to start making money. Even if that involves just buying a trailer and finding a place to park it, that is a foreseeable way for me to live on my own. I can have independence that way. I can never get my own apartment without a documented job to provide proof of income, but I can get a little trailer and have my things around me and live my own way.
I don't think my bf will even be able to pay me back the $150-200 I have helped him out with over the time we have known each other. I no longer even have enough emergency money in my bank to take care of my own phone card this month if, as I suspect is true, my bf cannot afford to pay for it like he promised. My phone is $50 for unlimited per month. His is $100 but he refuses to change it because he likes the luxury of his broken down smart phone. It should be called an idiot phone for as much as I care for it.
I have stopped believing that anyone else but me can get me out. I am tired of relying on someone who in fact is perfectly unreliable. I will never feel safe until I am independent and can make things happen for myself.
I am planning on going out to get my book published, but first I need to start up some kind of website to sell my drawings. My book may take years to get popular enough to make me any money but my drawings can at least give me a very small income. Even a few dollars is more than I have now though.
Once I do get it started up, I will make a post on it, offering for any of you who are interested to get a chance to see my website. Since I need to make the website in my real name and I am pretty paranoid about  anyone connecting my real identity on this website, I will ask for an email and email you the address of my website.
This should be okay, because I know that seeing as I don't show many drawings or advertise them on here, only the people who really care for me as a person will want to look at any drawings. I can trust someone who comes to me in this manner to know who I really am.
I want to be great one day, and even if it is just a pipe dream, this life is a whole different life, the one I talk about on here. I am so open and trusting of my readers not to judge. I have done some very stupid and reckless things and talked about some very personal things on here, and connecting that to any image at all that may come out to the public would be terrible. Even so, a family member may be the only to make connection and that wouldn't be good either.
I need to start soon though, and I would like to start now. Perhaps very soon I can have a site up and running to sell my drawings. I hope that for the first time maybe, I can make a step towards independence and any semblance of happiness- successfully.
I am feeling very depressed lately and for lack of a better word- disturbed.
I am somewhat enjoying it. It is uncomfortable to be just above a low and too low to be on a high.
I remember way back in August when I got tested for all of those disorders, that my bipolar disorder was described to me as not having many highs. The high for my bipolar was actually a general depression, and then the lows were manic depression. It actually rings pretty true. I never really have periods of happiness in any form.
And then it always drops to this. I think what really proves that my depression isn't based on seasons, is that last year it was worse during winter time, and spring. This year, I was doing okay- not good by any means but not terrible- during the winter time, and now as it hits spring I am feeling worse and worse and I think that the summer is going to be hard.
I feel very out of control and off balance. I basically feel very much that I am not in control of my life. More than anything I feel that even though I have a place to go, I am homeless.
My parent's are determined to move my family away and they would urge me to get out anyways, and I would most definitely never be able to handle being there for long anyways. I can only last there a few days as it is before I get manic and turn to extreme thoughts of suicide and escape.
I have stayed long periods of time at my current bf's, D, however his mom was away visiting her sick brother in another state and so has his father. Once she got back, it got to the point where I was so anxious about going upstairs to use the only bathroom, about passing her sleeping form on the couch during the night, that I simply would not go to the bathroom until it seemed I might pee myself. Then his parents would start bugging him about how they wanted me to come up and eat with them at dinner time, his mom would bug him about spending time with me, and about me not ever doing anything like helping out with cleaning. He wants me to do all those things too.
I am growing apart from D. I don't want to be with him a good amount of the time but the moment I am away, I miss his attentions. I think his presence is only a gentle reminder of what could be, but probably never will. I have found that I am dating a much worse sometimes version of my ex-boyfriend  who is now being extremely kind to me.
My bf started his new job which turns out as I suspected, to not be full time yet, and is actually only a spring/summer job. His old job fired him for ridiculous reasons.
Right now, I am at the old apartment that I have been at for two years I think.
I texted him after he never once tried to talk to me for about 24 hours. He texted back that he was sorry but he just got back from work and had to work again in the morning, as in, he could not talk to me today. I don't know whether he shut off his phone before or after the angry text saying there was no way he couldn't take a moment between eating, sleeping, and working to talk to me for a few minutes, but when I called it went straight to voice mail.
It left me feeling so out of control. He hates talking to me through text now. I don't know why. I think he is determined somewhere in his brain for us as a couple to not work out. I feel like it's going to be my ex all over again. But I have no control over the matter.
Here at the apartment, H (my ex of course), has decided to take his mom's offer. His mom is paying for a nurses aid class that could help him to get a job. He is loving towards me even though he knows I am not his, and he is still showing the same signs that he still loves me. He said if he were to get a job, he would get a two room apartment and I could live with him. It was never attached to the idea of us being a couple either. It was a friendly offer, one that I am willing to take him up on if he really follows through with getting a job. I believe that this time, it could really happen. The program should actually set him up for a job. The job will just be handed to him, and all he has to do is take it and work, and not quit. I think he is desperate enough for a job and a way out that he will take it. I cannot believe that he is now 25. I am going to be 20 this year too.
Whether we will date or not doesn't even really cross my mind anymore, but he does show me the respect I deserve, and we have become great friends. I like to take into account that I was on that medication that messed me up when most of everything went wrong, and that I had not yet learned to cope and deal with life in a healthy way (or a perceived healthy way...) yet, and I have forgiven him. I remember, I just don't try and hold a grudge anymore.
I do feel very trapped here though. I feel trapped by myself most of the time.
Yes, I probably could still do more than I do now, but I am not just making excuses for my life. There really are everyday things that other people can do, that I just can't. It's more frustrating for me than for anyone else because I have to live with myself for the rest of my life. Every moment that I am thinking and making memories and breathing, I have to live with those moments, with every moment I ever have forever. But I like who I am. I will not change myself for anyone. That is a conscious decision I am making too. I don't want to destroy who I am just to make someone else happy for a little while. I can pride myself on that too, because it is not a thing a lot of people ever come to terms with in their entire existence.
It doesn't make my life any easier though.
How am I going to get out of here? I am in some kind of a wormhole it seems. I am living the same boring, empty, lifeless day as I did the day before and the day before that, but time is passing. I feel like I am just letting life pass me by. I feel like I am wasting my time. On the outside it may seem as if I am coping, but on the inside I am tearing myself to pieces. I may be the quietest person in the room, but if we put our inside voices in the room together, no one be able to hear themselves over my screaming. It sucks.
I often post because I have nothing to post about. I have no friends, there are no events. Nothing happens. Nothing changes, nothing gets better but slowly grows worse and I cannot stop anything and I am trapped within myself, knowing that I could or should go and do something, and yet I feel paralyzed to do anything.
It is a horrible feeling. And let me tell you, in my life, there are no heroes and the bad prevails and thrives and I am almost never content or happy. I cannot remember the last time I felt okay, and that is not okay, nor will it ever be.
I don't even feel like I said anything of importance in this post. I am very tired of being tired of everything.
I'm going to continue this on in another post so no one has to mull through a lot of nothing to get the end.