Thursday, March 21, 2013

My dad made $72,000 last year. That's what my parents said when I asked.
But I know he got $40/hr. So that means he could very well have made more like 85,000 last year.
They pay tithing, which means they pay 10% of everything they make to the church. That means he payed about $7,200 to the church last year.
I am actually fairly bitter. Maybe I shouldn't be but I am.
I have to scrounge to make sure I have food every month and my mother refuses to help because they can't afford it. I asked for their old beat up car but they said it was too much for insurance if they got it re-licensed,  even though they insured it for my older brother for years. So they threw it out instead. That was a while ago.
My bf's dad just handed him the keys one day and said, "it's yours." That's how my bf got his car. I know his dad doesn't make much either.
Even living with my parents as a child I never got much. But I guess I should be grateful for what they did give me.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Reason To Be Thin #6

Reason To Be Thin #6
Because swimsuit season is coming up and summer doesn't last forever.

Reason To Be Thin #5

Reason To Be Thin #5:
To brainwash your boyfriend into thinking there is nothing better out there, than you.

I may be kidding myself but I see this as an opportunity to motivate myself.
When I found out I lost my appetite. Then I realized how gross I felt.
I also felt sick because I didn't want sex until marriage. I screwed up a few times with him but it would never be enough for him. He has such little respect for himself to just throw sex around like it's just candy.
It makes me physically sick.
So I want to make him feel sick. I want him to realize that he should never leave me. I want him to realize that he should NEVER cheat on me. I want him to feel what it's like to feel such utter betrayal.
He hasn't done anything yet, but I can't trust him anymore, not right now. I feel like it is only a matter of time. This is going to be in the back of my mind for the rest of my life, or at least as long as I am with him. It's like a big red warning sign.
Maybe if I get skinny enough he will at least realize what a huge emotional impact his deceit has had on me.
I'm not holding out for a miracle, I am holding out for a hope. I always did have issues with hoping too much though, didn't I?
If he isn't the one, then at least I will have the body to search the oceans of fish better with. Then again...

To being 120 pounds and below, everyone. To being skinny.

Reason To Be Thin #4

Reason To Be Thin #4:
Because your bf sent an email reply to some random Craig's list ad, saying he hadn't had it (sex obviously) in a long time either, and to message him (his phone number included) to meet up.

I confronted him about it and after an angry outburst I stayed quiet and he finally said he wasn't going to justify it (thank God for AT LEAST that) and I asked him more questions.
It was from three days ago.
He said no, he would not have actually met up with her.
He was feeling lonely and horny (I was on that earlier mentioned trip).
I was only gone for five days.
He asked if I was going to break up with him. I said no.
He asked if I was disappointed. I said yes. My silence must have really gotten to him, but nothing is really making me feel better. I am going to go on like nothing huge happened because I don't really know how to cope with it.
I asked if he would do it again and he replied with another answer. He asked if I wanted a bullshit lie to make me feel happy or the honest truth. I picked truth, honestly. He says he didn't know if it would happen again.
I told him I thought he was more loyal than that. 
I may not show it outwardly but I am beating myself up for this a bit. I KNOW that it was his choice but I am starting to doubt everything again. It's like, was I really pushing him away this much? Should I worry about him cheating since he actually reached out to some random stranger for sex??? I feel like I should worry.
And that brings me to Reason To Be Thin #5.

Reason To Be Thin #3

Reason To Be Thin #3:
To feel good about ones self.

No one can deny the inexplicably wonderful feeling of being tiny and gorgeous without worrying about fat sticking out anywhere or looking bad. When you are skinny, I am pretty sure you could fall out of bed, put your clothes on backwards and still look like a model. That's how new fashions are probably invented...

Reason To Be Thin #2

Reason To Be Thin #2:
To get into a smaller pair of jeans than my arch nemesis (not really but I am not a fan of hers), whose jeans, the aunt from #1 had "borrowed" and was wearing.

It is not cool for your own mom to borrow your jeans like a high school friend and wear them around, especially when they fit in them. I would hate to be bigger than my own mom let alone the same size. I don't know what pair of jeans they were, but I want to fit into smaller just to make sure.
My mom irritates me every time the subject of my cousin comes up by saying, "It's funny really because you two are just like each other. You just don't like her because she is like you."
I have standards thank you very much and they do not include cursing every other word, talking down to people or being unnecessarily rude to other people. I am also not that out of control and boisterous, and I know how to cope with my issues instead of running away from them.
Excuse my little rant there. I still felt like that fat girl I used to be when I sat next to her. I felt judged and whenever I had an opinion she overrode it by laying down loud opinions in a loud voice over top of it. There was no... respect I guess, would be the word I am looking for. Also she had a chubby face and cut her hair boyishly short. Her red dyed hair...
Anyways. I wanted to make her feel bad about her body or at least admire my body, instead of vice versa.

Reason To Be Thin #1

Reason to be thin #1:
Because your forty-something year old aunt, (with kids as old as you are), got a weight loss surgery and may now be smaller than you.

She was at least 200 if not 300 pounds before the surgery. I guess she was trying to give away jeans that she was too small for and I was a victim. I heard about it from a cousin too. It really hurt in a way I wouldn't believe.
"Hey Venus, your aunt was talking about how maybe you and this other cousin would like some of her old jeans that she is too small for now." I may or may not have appeared a little offended. But the fact was, she had thought about me specifically. Do I look that fat???
I couldn't tell how skinny she actually was though, because her jeans looked tiny but she still had layers of skin and/or fat around her middle and flab hanging from her arms.
So I asked what size the pants were.
"Size 12 or 14 I think." It could have been so much worse so I was pretty relieved. I admitted, (somewhat smugly perhaps), that at most I wear size tens right now, and most of the time even those are loose so I am really a size eight. But I was pretty horrified when I stepped on a scale in one of the bathrooms and found out I had ballooned up to a whopping 155+ pounds. Shock of my life.
So my entire five day stay around family, I skipped breakfast and most lunches and only ate when I had to. I am under 150 now thank goodness, but I am still horrified. Feeling hungry and a little dizzy all of the time was a definite rush though and I am hooked on the feeling again.
Just a side note, the reason I was out around my relatives on my mom's side was because my grandpa died. He had a stroke three years ago and then another I think, one year ago, and he's been on a downhill slide since. I really love my grandpa so it was hard but I found it wasn't miserable with all of my cousins whom had once been good friends. Also, the memory of him really lingered. We all felt like he was there with us, encouraging us to smile and be happy. He was such a good man it makes me want to be like him. I think he pretty much spent his entire life teaching at a school for the blind and deaf.
Anyways, I am doing several posts in this series of "Reasons To Be Thin". Hopefully the time taken on here will help me, and it would be great if these posts would help someone else too.