Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So... My boyfriend is autistic.
Where do I even go with that? I mean, he's high functioning and it's not like I'm going to just up and dump him but... it's weird to me. My brother has aspergers. My parent's say it is high functioning but I am not so sure it is.
I could never dump him for it though. If people shouldn't date the mentally disordered, no one would date anyone with anxiety disorders or ADHD or bipolar disorder or depression... In other words me.
I am scared it means he will never be able to stop being so dependent on his controlling mother. But then, he was in the Navy, right? I would never be able to deal with that kind of pressure. But it was easy because he was just told what to do, I think. He lacks so much initiative...
Anyways...

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Food is like a lie. It says you can have that happiness that everyone else, has but it's always empty, and so you eat and eat and never feel full. Because food isn't happiness. It just makes you fat. It brings you farther away from your goals.
Food is for happy people. I may never be happy but at least I can be skinny.

"You have no idea what it's like to live in a little smelly cage every day. To never see the sunlight or go outside to stretch your legs. To have no point in life except to sit and wait for something to happen, knowing it never will. Knowing no one will come and save you but you still hope. You have no idea what it is like to KNOW that your life is already over. To know that you had to give up early on because no one could hear your screams for help. You have no idea what it's like to try and fight your way up a waterfall of everyone- your family and your friends- telling you that you are worthless and have already messed up your life and will go to hell, and then wishing that you could give up this hellish prison for that hell, hate and all, just to be around those people again. And every second feels like an eternity of hell, drowning in your own loneliness and knowing even if someone did talk to you, you would hurt them. You have no idea what it feels like to know you could live again if you just chose to and never choosing to because you feel like you can't. And fighting every moment to find that will to live that everyone else needs you to have, after knowing that life is just one painful moment after another and knowing there is nothing out there for you and that you will NEVER be happy, while people hang little lines in front of you, of things they believe exist but you have no access to. You have no idea. And you never will. And that's why we are different."

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I lost two pounds since yesterday (by yesterday I really mean Monday).
I feel like crap. Nothing new there.
I got to see my brother for the first time in about three years, since my littlest sister died.
I told myself and my bf that I had to lose a few pounds before seeing him tomorrow. I did. I want to be the extra 1/2 pound down though. I want to be under 145, not at.
Yes, 145. I gained weight. I ballooned up like a massive bloated whale. I look ugly and disgusting. At this rate I feel like I will never be tiny.
I realized that I am in a sort of love triangle. I am just like Bella, only she chose the first.
I love my bf, but I obviously still have feelings for my ex, and why shouldn't I? I still live with him. H, my ex, is starting to cross lines. He has been slapping my butt a lot lately and holding me too close, flirting too much, hugging to tight... But I won't say no because I cannot risk upsetting him. And it blows. I am screwing myself over. It makes me hate myself. But oh well, at least now I have the energy to find the determination to lose weight. In other words, I am beating myself up enough to keep my hands and my mouth under control. Food is for people who deserve to live is my new motto rolling around in my head. I understand now how "Ana" really does become a voice in my head, and I created her.
I know that it isn't healthy to treat myself so badly but the pain is such a driving force that it feels good. I let it control me because I don't want to control me. I let it take over because it feeds the unhealthy creature inside me that makes me starve and cut, but also makes me create my art. I am messed up, but I like it. That is messed up... Oh well.
It's not like I have any friends here to judge me.
I hate being nocturnal.
My bf works during the day and so I never see him.
He did get the full time job, but he doesn't even fill out papers until the end of the month even though he basically got hired at the beginning of the month. It makes me feel like he is never going to start working there or get more money, or get me out of here. I need to get out of here. Then I can take regular showers, I can even take baths. I can stay clean and maintain myself and actually have the chance to try and dress up pretty once in a while. When I try and dress up pretty here it takes so much maintenance I stop bothering. Fur gets on all my clothes and the smell of the apartment sticks badly and the dogs are always climbing in my lap and they smell like piss.
The bathroom counter where the only mirror in the whole apartment is, has hair all over it because those who shave never wash the counter, and it has dirty clothes of the guys all over it that also smell like piss. That is a place every girl would love to use to put on make up. There isn't even a place to put my ponytail and I can't find either of my hair brushes because everything of mine is in one giant pile in the corner because if I had more stuff or put it anywhere else I would be yelled at.
I have been living out of bags and my backpack for so long, I'm not sure if I was given a proper room of my own to live in, I would know what to do with it. There is no room to sleep either. I have to sleep next to my ex or not at all, which is what I do half the time. My feet have to trail off the bed into the mess or I have to cram myself onto the mattress so that my head bangs into the dresser and my feet are bent up against the wall, or vice versa.
I live on this computer. When my bf doesn't come around, which is a lot, I sit on my mattress and eat, or play games on the computer. I don't go outside, and I don't have friends to hang out with. I sit in here and do nothing. I don't know what the weather has been like or anything that is going on. I don't talk to people. I have no social interactions. I talk with my ex when he forces me too. That's about it...
I miss my family but they don't miss me and they still want to move away from me. I won't get to see my little siblings grow up. The youngest is what? Four months now? And all brainwashed.
People say, "I don't understand how anyone would want to end their life." This is how.

Monday, February 18, 2013

I feel fat, fat, and more fat. I feel ugly.
Today my bf bought me hair bleach and I got my bright colors to put in my hair but I haven't done it yet. I almost feel like I am too fat to try to make myself look better. I would just look like a colorful blob. He also let me buy about $50 in make up. He doesn't make much but he got like, $300 for his tax return. I don't feel like I can wear that right now anyways. I try so hard and eat like, nothing, but I still can't lose. I don't know what it is... My metabolism should be great.
I told H (my ex, but a good friend now) that I was fat and he said I wasn't. D says I'm not fat either. So I told him, "maybe I'm not fat but I'm not skinny."
"You are skinny."
"Well, even if I was, skinny isn't good enough. I don't want to be skinny. I want to be bony." By their standards, even my skinniest form of fat would be bony. I need to be the littlest.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Definitions

I find these very enlightening actually.

fat

[fat] adjective, fat·ter, fat·test, noun, verb, fat·ted, fat·ting.
adjective
1.
having too much flabby tissue; corpulent; obese: a fat person.
2.
plump; well-fed: a good, fat chicken.
3.
consisting of or containing fat; greasy; oily: fat gravy; fat meat.
4.
profitable, as an office: a fat job on the city commission.
5.
affording good opportunities, especially for gain: a fat business contract
 

o·bese

[oh-bees]
adjective
very fat or overweight; corpulent.
 

ug·ly

[uhg-lee]
adjective, ug·li·er, ug·li·est.
1.
very unattractive or unpleasant to look at; offensive to the sense of beauty; displeasing in appearance.
2.
disagreeable; unpleasant; objectionable: ugly tricks; ugly discords.
3.
morally revolting: ugly crime.
4.
threatening trouble or danger: ugly symptoms.
5.
mean; hostile; quarrelsome: an ugly mood; an ugly frame of mind.
 

thin

[thin] adjective, thin·ner, thin·nest, adverb, verb, thinned, thin·ning.
adjective
1.
having relatively little extent from one surface or side to the opposite; not thick: thin ice.
2.
of small cross section in comparison with the length; slender: a thin wire.
3.
having little flesh; spare; lean: a thin man.
4.
composed of or containing objects, particles, etc., widely separated; sparse: thin vegetation.
5.
scant; not abundant or plentiful. 
 

beau·ti·ful

[byoo-tuh-fuhl]
adjective
1.
having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: a beautiful dress; a beautiful speech.
2.
excellent of its kind: a beautiful putt on the seventh hole; The chef served us a beautiful roast of beef.
3.
wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.
noun
4.
the concept of beauty (usually preceded by the  ).
5.
( used with a plural verb  ) beautiful things or people collectively (usually preceded by the  ): the good and the beautiful.
6.
the ideal of beauty (usually preceded by the  ): to strive to attain the beautiful. 

per·fect

[adj., n. pur-fikt; v. per-fekt]
adjective
1.
conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfect gentleman.
2.
excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: There is no perfect legal code. The proportions of this temple are almost perfect.
3.
exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose: a perfect actor to play Mr. Micawber; a perfect saw for cutting out keyholes.
4.
entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.
5.
accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.

Friday, February 1, 2013

I have been struggling the past few days with my eating again. I always feel sick. It's a feeling past nausea and past being overstuffed. Bloated maybe? I can't find the right word.

Scarlett Ana, I am sorry about the commenting issue. I went back and looked through everything and I guess commenting was only enabled for two of the pages. I enabled commenting for all pages and hopefully that should allow you to comment. Thank you for alerting me to this problem. I am still working out the kinks.

I want to be skinny so bad. I am literally making myself sick here too. I have no friends to hang out with, no one I feel comfortable around for long, and nowhere to go, and no money to go places and do things... All I have is internet. It's driving me crazy. I have almost nothing here anyways. R, H's brother if you need to be reminded, has had two D-days at work. He's likely to get fired because he takes so many days off to play games. Because he lives on his own and pays his own rent, if he loses his job, he has to come live in this place until he can get a new job. That means I either have to live with the most stressful person ever, go back to my parent's house, or be homeless. If it comes down to it, I will go back to my parent's house. R likes to break things and lash out at people if they are getting more attention than them. He likes to interfere inappropriately in other people's lives and he loves to make trouble for no reason. He also has no respect for personal space or personal belongings. He likes to invade privacy, which means reading and hacking into anything private. I will not be able to deal with that.

D, my bf, has a possible job opportunity coming up on the 12th of February I believe. If everything works out, I could be out of here in a few months or so. I am skeptical of anything good ever happening to me though. Me? Have luck? Yeah right.

K is watching the same movie over again. She's been watching it over and over again all day, for several days now. It's enough to drive anyone nuts and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if that was her purpose. Last time it was twilight. Every once in a while she rereads all the books WHILE watching all of her movies over and over and over again. I really hate this place sometimes. I really do.

I'd go out for a walk but I fell HARD on my elbow last time and I am afraid of falling on the ice again like that. I don't know what to do. Maybe I will ask my mom if I can go over there. I can pace the hallways, watch whatever I like and the exercise bike is there. Right now, my bf isn't the least bit reliable and it's not likely he will even wake up if I try and get a hold of him, and even more unlikely that he will be able to do anything about my situation tonight anyways. I am craving cutting again. A LOT.