Sunday, January 13, 2013

Day 6 (entry 1)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

1:05 PM

I worked so hard to lose three goddamn pounds and then gained them all back in one day. Fuck this.
I am 140 again. I have tights and I am layering to keep warm. Now I can see my fat thighs and feel my muffin top all the time and fucking face them until I can be motivated enough to change things.
I need to lose weight.
Eating food literally makes me panic in my head.
I am somewhat panicking right now in fact. I can't remember how many calories I have eaten today, or when I woke up. I get so disoriented when I don't sleep at the same time as anyone else. How am I supposed to count calories for a day when a day for me is the time between not sleeping? This can be more than 18 hours at a time. Sometimes I am awake for more than 24 hours, or even 48 hours. Am I supposed to count calories based on hours instead of days? If I am awake for a day and a half, how many hours is that and how do I do a certain number of calories per day, or even per hour if I don't even know how long I will be up?
I hate the confusion. If I just slowed down enough to think...
100 calories every four hours. That is a good rule right? But then what if someone is trying to get me to eat or makes food for me anyways?
I should also point out that my food card expired and I have been to anxious, and filled with social anxiety and I have just been avoiding renewing it. I filled out the paperwork online. All I would have to do is a phone interview. But I don't know what my status is on things, so I don't know whether to call them or wait until they contact me or who or what number to call... So I have been putting it off.
This means that when I lose control and want food, I have to ask other people for it. That is not okay. I need to support myself. That is sort of the invisible contract for living here. I pay for and take care of all of my own needs.
When I have self control however, I don't have food, so I don't eat food. It's easier and better that way. It would work if I had self control and if I were able to somehow be able to convince others that I was eating, and that someone else like D, my bf, was getting food for me.
This should be so easy. Why isn't it... Sigh. I know exactly why.
I need to be 135. Then I need to be 130. And after that I need to get into the 120's for the first time. Then I need to be 120, and then below 120...
I need to get my head in the game.
I need to create a set of rules...
I can't not eat every day...
Actually, yes I can. Maybe I will.
I will post my new rules on the next post. Rules create structure. Rules create guidelines. Rules create control.

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