Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I didn't end up going for a walk the night I wrote that last post. I went searching for some warm tights to put under my jeans and couldn't find any. I did however, go for a walk the night before last. I woke up in the afternoon, yesterday, and have not gone to bed yet. I never found my black tights, but I know they are there somewhere. I just layered up on some ugly clothes but it was the middle of the night or past so it's not like anyone would see me. I was outside for maybe fifteen minutes and I fell and hit my tailbone on the ice and tried to catch myself with my elbow. So my arm is still sore from that a bit. It was a nasty fall. I couldn't move for a full minute I think, just from the shock of the pain.

But I was out walking for I would say... at least an hour. I even found a soccer ball in the park and took it home with me after kicking it around on top of the snow for a little while. I did okay on eating and the next morning when I weighed myself, when I woke up yesterday I think, I weighed 139.4 pounds. That is definite progress. I just have to keep it up.

I want to be down three pounds- that means under 137 about- by the time I get to see D on Thursday.
I was able to throw the binge eating, finally, and I am back on track. I have gained control and it feels okay, but not amazing. I did eat too much today but that's what I always say. I ate a whole ton less than I was eating before, and I don't think I did any damage, especially since I refuse to go to bed until my stomach decides it is hungry. I may only lose one pound but even that is progress.

I wanted to tell all of you that i started a new website. It has a different kind of blog on it and it is still in it's early stages so there isn't a lot of material, but it will grow with time. If you want to check it out, here is a link:

I would love it if anyone would like to check it out and if you like it, please leave a comment. :)
Later, ya'll.

Monday, January 28, 2013

I haven't been on blogger for a while now. I now have over 10,000 views. I'm not really all that impressed. 10,000 might as well be 10.
Things should be going great but I feel like I am losing control, like I am losing my head.
I'm going to just explode soon...
Everything with my bf is going fine, going great even. He bought me a new, bigger tank for my Dog (she's my 7 inch- and growing- plecostomus a.k.a. "sucker fish") today. It's amazing.
But I went off my ADHD meds because it was just causing me too much stress without anything to make it worth it anymore. It didn't even suppress my appetite anymore, it was actually making it bigger. So now I have to deal with an enormous appetite. There is just no way around that.
So, I have been binge eating for a few weeks now at least and I have gained 10 pounds. 10 effing pounds.
I keep eating and eating and I can actually see the difference in my face right now. My face actually looks rounder and uglier, and- more familiar. I hate it. I can also feel my shape is no longer shape but just fat. It disgusts me. I am disgusted by myself.
The other day I met up with an old guy friend from high school and my bf came along, and I ran into an old female friend, also from my school days. She'd always been a bit chunkier, but I believe I had always been massive next to her anyways. When I ran into her, I still felt like I was the fat one. She bragged smiling about how she had lost a few pounds, maybe 10, 20 tops, and then realized with a kind of shocked expression that I had lost some too, and I realized later, I am now smaller than her. My bf said so anyways. I am still paranoid... But the look on her face when I passively stood up so she could see me in my little skirt and my layered tights, and fuzzy, gray, expensive poncho type hoodie... I won't forget it. It felt so good.
Later she made a comment like, "At least your parents didn't... I had to pay for my own car and get a job..." All I said was, "You don't know my parent's." I think she bristled. All the while I was sort of laughing in my head at her little attempt at a pity party. Later she mentioned doing drugs and in another instance mentioned how she had really grown up and was mature. Even if she and I were around the same age, it makes me feel... I don't know, mature for not saying anything? I honestly feel ages older than her. I feel like I left that life years ago.
Anyways, I let her have her moment because I had already had mine in my own head. If she wanted all the pity she could have it. It was all hers. Pity isn't what makes a person's life so bad. Still makes me smile at that...
Anyways. I am fat again. I just had the ultimate Ana dream moment. It was a reward for all of my hard work. But now I need to go for a walk. No more lazing around. I need to lose again. My hips are less prominent, my stomach is less flat when it was almost concave, my cheeks are starting to fill out and I started to have cheekbones... What a nightmare. I am frankly horrified at myself. I can't do this anymore. I have to lose. I have to lose a load of weight and fast, and soon.
I am drowning in my own self disappointment. In my own misery. In my own disapproval.
It sickens me to look at myself in the mirror.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Day 7 (entry 1)

Monday, January 14, 2013

2:44 AM

I haven't followed all of my own rules very well but I will do better. I am only just learning and getting used to them anyways.
I went in tights and a skirt though and trekked through the snow for 3.5 miles to meet my bf. But then he got me Reeses. It's my worst craving lately- the Reeses. Each Reese is 110 calories!
I looked online and calculated that walking 3.5 miles in about 70-80 minutes only burned off about 251 calories. In three Reeses I obliterated that. My efforts were just wiped off the slate but a piece of miserable chocolate with peanut butter in it. I don't even want to think about the fat calories...
But I slept for a while and I am going to go weigh myself in a minute.
I ate two cupcake pop tarts and the last Reeses when I woke up. They were disgusting. I don't know why I forced myself to eat them anyways. It was like my brain said stop and my body just kept going. I'm sure everyone knows that feeling.

...139.4 pounds. I must have done something right then, because I lost about 0.7 in weight since yesterday. That's almost a full pound! If I work hard I can be down another pound by the next time I weigh in.

Sunday, January 13, 2013


Here you go everyone. I have compiled a list of things that I think I absolutely need to follow if I want to get anywhere. It makes wiggle room for bad situations. There is no, starve for three days and then eat for one, and it's no ABC boot camp either. This allows for common everyday situations that usually throw you for a loop when you are trying to loose weight. Maybe it doesn't cover them all but I am going to try and stick to this.

My New Rules For Myself

Rule #1:
I will take my ADHD meds twice a day like I am supposed to. This should help with or eliminate food cravings.

Rule #2:
I am not allowed to ask others for food, with the exception of my parents and my bf, and only in moderation* and if it is not out of their way financially or out of their way otherwise.

*Only when I start to get sick and dizzy, or feel like I am going to faint.

Rule #3:
I will keep a water bottle with me wherever I go and drink from it when I get hungry. Re-hydrating myself should keep me from getting sick as easily or as often, and will help with hunger. I am not trying to dehydrate myself, I am trying to starve myself.

Rule #4:
If I am facing cravings that I do not feel I can overcome, I will drink some water and take my ADHD med, (assuming that not taking my ADHD med is the reason I am uncontrollably craving food), and then wait a half hour before eating anything, just to make sure the med's appetite suppressing effects have kicked in.

Rule #5:
I will not eat meat and try and stay away from dairy. These have the most calories. I will try and eat fruits and vegetables mostly. Due to cost issues, I can't exclude dairy entirely.

Rule #6:
When having a "meal" I will not exceed 400 calories. Any item of food 400+ calories is too much fat and too many calories and will not fill me up. 400 is a maximum for a period of 4 hours, it is not a requirement to reach that many, nor is it encouraged to reach that many calories.
Meals of fruits or vegetables should not exceed 200, but more preferably, stay under 100 calories.

Rule #7:
In a period of 14-16 hours, (this is considered a healthy amount of time of being awake between two periods of 8-10 hours of recommended sleep), I will not exceed 1000 calories. Any more than 1000 calories and I am basically gaining weight overnight. Less than 1000 and I have higher chances of losing even a fraction of a pound. Even maintaining is, to me, acceptable, when compared to gaining weight.

Rule #8:
If it does not say how many calories are in it, don't eat it. For example if someone offers you something or if it is not measured, or if it is a home cooked meal. If you don't know how many calories are in something, don't eat it- period. Do not guess, do not estimate, do not look it up online because different brands of the same product are drastically different in calories.

Rule #9:
Exercise regularly. No if, and's or buts, go outside and take a walk for at least 45 minutes every day.

Rule #10:
Finally, no throwing in the bag after a binge. Throw it up, however hard or unappealing that may be to you, or burn off every last one of those calories- twice. If you think it is better to forgive and forget, you will shrug off every binge, every day, and you will never lose weight because it doesn't really matter to you. If the result of a binge is panic or punishment, you will be less inclined to do it again because you will dread what comes with it. BINGES ARE NOT OKAY.

Day 6 (entry 1)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

1:05 PM

I worked so hard to lose three goddamn pounds and then gained them all back in one day. Fuck this.
I am 140 again. I have tights and I am layering to keep warm. Now I can see my fat thighs and feel my muffin top all the time and fucking face them until I can be motivated enough to change things.
I need to lose weight.
Eating food literally makes me panic in my head.
I am somewhat panicking right now in fact. I can't remember how many calories I have eaten today, or when I woke up. I get so disoriented when I don't sleep at the same time as anyone else. How am I supposed to count calories for a day when a day for me is the time between not sleeping? This can be more than 18 hours at a time. Sometimes I am awake for more than 24 hours, or even 48 hours. Am I supposed to count calories based on hours instead of days? If I am awake for a day and a half, how many hours is that and how do I do a certain number of calories per day, or even per hour if I don't even know how long I will be up?
I hate the confusion. If I just slowed down enough to think...
100 calories every four hours. That is a good rule right? But then what if someone is trying to get me to eat or makes food for me anyways?
I should also point out that my food card expired and I have been to anxious, and filled with social anxiety and I have just been avoiding renewing it. I filled out the paperwork online. All I would have to do is a phone interview. But I don't know what my status is on things, so I don't know whether to call them or wait until they contact me or who or what number to call... So I have been putting it off.
This means that when I lose control and want food, I have to ask other people for it. That is not okay. I need to support myself. That is sort of the invisible contract for living here. I pay for and take care of all of my own needs.
When I have self control however, I don't have food, so I don't eat food. It's easier and better that way. It would work if I had self control and if I were able to somehow be able to convince others that I was eating, and that someone else like D, my bf, was getting food for me.
This should be so easy. Why isn't it... Sigh. I know exactly why.
I need to be 135. Then I need to be 130. And after that I need to get into the 120's for the first time. Then I need to be 120, and then below 120...
I need to get my head in the game.
I need to create a set of rules...
I can't not eat every day...
Actually, yes I can. Maybe I will.
I will post my new rules on the next post. Rules create structure. Rules create guidelines. Rules create control.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Day 2 (entry 1)

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

11:13 AM

My bf just left for work after running me by my parents' house to pick up some packages I ordered online last week. I am excited but also nervous because what I ordered was two computer games that I used to play with my family as a kid, but back then they ran on older operating systems so I have to find a way to get it to work on my newer lap top. I hope I can get them to work...

By the way, the two games are:
101 Dalmatians: Escape From DeVil Manor
102 Dalmatians: Puppies To The Rescue

I had a large waffle with strawberries and butter and syrup which is making me panic. I haven't had a waffle in months though, if not longer. I just couldn't resist. However when I took a shower earlier, hours after eating the waffle, the scale said I was about 139.4 lbs.

I also had tortilla chips and some small candies. I feel guilty and I won't explain why I did, because there isn't really a good explanation- or a good excuse- but I did have them.

However, it looks like I will be up all day which means that I am staying awake for longer than the usual and so I can count in the calories for about two days worth. It's like, people need to eat every so many hours whether they sleep or not, so I am actually making good progress. I really hope I can go to sleep hungry again like last night.

I am hanging out with the bf after he gets off work around 3 pm. We are going to look for some really thick warm tights for me because my jeans are ridiculously thin and you can't really layer jeans and still look sane. Then maybe I can wear a skirt and feel pretty and cute, and yet still be able to keep warm.

We'll see how things go.

Day 1 (entry 4)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

8:50 PM

I watched a few episodes of the big bang theory with D and I was here at the apartment so of course K had to join in too and now she is obsessively watching every last episode of the show in her room. How annoying. It feels like she is ruining yet another thing that I love for me.

I woke up an hour or so ago. Haven't eaten anything but I'm getting soup now. It's more calories than I thought. 110 per serving, 2.5 servings. That equals out to about 275 calories plus it's made with lactose free milk. 500 Cal's tops.

I woke up at 140.1 lbs. I will be less tomorrow.

D, my bf texted me earlier. I haven't really responded. The more I can distance from him the easier it will make it for me to withdraw and not eat.

One of my danios died while I was sleeping. It's one of my fish just so you all know. I now have one neon tetra, two danios, two gouramis, and dog who is a six+ inch plecostumus who is outgrowing her tank and basically indestructible at this point. I hope the sick gourami doesn't die...

Taking my meds with diet vanilla coke. Will check back later hopefully.

Day 1 (entry 3)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

9:43 AM

I am going to bed. I am getting too tired and starting to crave and justify food in my head.

I haven't eaten anything since the last two entries though and I am going to bed hungry.

It feels really nice and since most foods make me feel sick, I am actually feeling a bit healthier. The hungry and dehydration sickness hasn't set in yet so it's a middle ground between the two.

My hunger and dehydration sick feelings are like extreme nausea mixed with a really bad balance.

Sometimes I have mini blackouts where I can still move and I am conscious but my vision goes black, and sometimes I have big blackouts that take me to the floor and all I have is some conscious state with no control of my body. It's a weird nausea that feels like everything is spinning and feels burning up and yet frozen at the same time.

Anyways. Let's see what I weigh in the morning.


Day 1 (entry 2)

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

8:35 AM

I am doing well. I haven't eaten anything since my last post. I am starting to feel hungry and I don't drink much water because this place is disgusting and finding a clean glass and then convincing myself it really is clean? Practically impossible. Clean up you say? I have no supplies and I'm broke and we are talking about dog piss and crap and black mold. I would get a water bottle but I could go in circles forever with excuses of why I don't.

I usually start to get very sick when I go too long without food but as long as I don't have to get up for anything, I should be alright. It should at least be bearable then. I am going to try and go as long as I can without food. I am also very tired. I know I have been awake too long, I just don't know exactly how long. I'll stay up until I am tempted by food or I get too tired whichever comes first. Or last. Either way...

When I wake up I will try and keep it around 500 Max, but 300 is acceptable. If I am able to find something to take my a ADHD Med down with then I might be able to keep my calories lower than that because it suppresses my appetite but I don't know.

If I have to have lunch and/or dinner too, they must each be less calories than the last meal. Example: 500 breakfast, 300 lunch, 100 dinner. I find that if I eat the most after waking up, I diligently try to work it off and feel hungry again for the rest of the day, and then I have more nights where I go to bed hungry and empty. But if I starve all day, something in me snaps and I binge later on. Sleep can burn off extra calories when I am hungry and in the morning I often weigh less than the day before. But when I eat before bed, the calories burned while I am sleeping are just burned from what I ate.

Anyways that's my plan for the day.


Day 1 (entry 1)

I was going to start a new blog but I hate leaving this one behind so I am just going to sort of...
I'll put it like this. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
So I am going to copy paste over the posts and go from there.
I used to write journal entries in a notebook like this. It really helps to keep me focused and helps me to stay on track.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

6:03 AM

I know it already says the above information when I publish, but I put that in for me. It's so I know where I am and where I'm at.

I am going to start anew here. This blog will consist of smaller posts where I check in more often. I will use this to check in as often as every hour or more, sometimes less, in order to distract myself, keep myself in check, and in order to constantly remind myself of my ultimate goal.

I probably won't see my boyfriend until Friday and so I should be able to lose some weight before then.
I have been binge eating like crazy so I must weigh a ton. I was in the high 130's last time I weighed myself but I must be in the 140's right now at least.

My goal is 120. That is only my current goal. I may choose to reach farther once I have achieved that.
Anything and everything that keeps me from moving towards that goal needs to end now.

Starting now I will do my best to keep myself in check.

I will not eat this hour. I will not eat this hour. I will not eat this hour...