Sunday, December 22, 2013

Good News

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I usually love Christmas but I can't feel anything. I am trying my hardest not to think of all of the negative things in my life.
I am now in a home and I feel two ways. On one hand I feel that nothing has changed and I feel more restless then ever because now that my ultimate goal of having a home is fulfilled, I am not sure what to look forward to. On the other hand, I feel that things are slowly and surely going to get better. Now that I have a place to live, everything else can fall into place for me. I can have some space to belong and to put my things without anyone complaining. I am not a problem to anyone anymore even though sometimes I feel otherwise. Soon enough my cat may get the chance to come live with me, so I won't feel so alone during the day when the boyfriend is at work. His paychecks will buy us furniture and we will only get more comfortable from there. I am having him save some money every month so that if something happens we have a safety net. I feel almost financially stable. Soon I can have a writing desk to do my work on. Soon enough, I can start to move forward. No more floundering, trying to find meaning.
Also, although I have felt writers block for a few years now, the inspiration is coming flooding back. I am not yet sure if it is really back or something temporary, but feeling safe and secure must be taking me a long way to helping me create again. I am excited, and yet hesitant.
This is the first good thing to happen to me in a long time and I am afraid the other foot is going to drop and it will all end somehow. But, somehow I am gaining faith and hope that the future won't be so dark for me anymore. I believe this may be the light at the end of the tunnel, and by God I have waited a long time for it.
There are many disappointments in my life right now but I am so grateful to finally have a home.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Boyfriend's Weight

It's already the first of December and I feel like it snuck up on me and slapped me in the face. It's already December and I haven't made any progress at all...
So I guess I am more determined than ever. I already ate today but every hour or so I am doing at least 100 jumping jacks and some squats. I think I am going to do some sit ups in a few minutes here too. I have to lose the weight.
I got back in contact with this old friend of mine who I haven't talked to in years. We were friends in middle school and the start of high school before everything went wrong with my life. I'm not sure she even wants to know me but I don't know how she feels about this whole thing. We might meet up some time at the end of the month. It's a big maybe though. I'm sure she doesn't really want to meet up with me too. I just get the feeling that she hasn't let go of what happened in high school. When we were still friends she could sometimes be harsh and mean, so I really don't know what to expect. I want to get to know her again but it's making me really nervous. If I were to see her again though, I would not be able to live with myself if she saw me at this weight. I don't want to forever be the fat one. I want to show her I can be little like her.
Anyways, that is my main motivator, that and it looks like I won't get to go visit my family this Christmas. There won't be any Christmas presents, and the only people I will be able to spend Christmas with are my boyfriend's parents.
By the way, they randomly told V that they knew I was here and weren't angry, but after the way the talked about me and treated me last time they found out, it was a huge shock. They took us out to dinner the day before thanksgiving because V worked that day. I felt like I was ignored the entire day. They brought huge amounts of food that now fill the dorm room so I have to look at it all day.
Then while they were eating dinner they brought up my bf's weight. His mom is very critical of the way he looks. She tells him when she thinks he is fat and tells him to work out. My bf is 140 pounds, sometimes a little less. If he loses another ten pounds, he will be underweight. Literally, he will be underweight. I looked up his bmi. I am a little more than concerned. He has always been overly conscious about everything because the way his parents treat him. I find it a little disturbing to say the least.
I just wish I could be his weight right now. Then I would have less weight to lose.
Is it wrong for me to want him to be a little overweight though?
We were standing next to each other and I looked over at us in the mirror and realized how huge I look next to him. It is so not cool that he weighs less than me. He can't pick me up. I do not feel feminine. Also, when I lean on him he falls over. SO NOT COOL.
I guess it's just a little something more to motivate me though.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Passed My First Goal

I passed my first goal. I have lost six pounds since I started the new system. By tomorrow it should be seven pounds.
I ate too much but I am determined to reach my goal before Christmas. I walked for a good hour at least and I am planning on doing more walking, while watching more episodes of "Pretty Little Liars".
The girls are so pretty.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Lease, cat, no damage done

I had a break down last night. I just lost it from all of the stress lately
Turns out when I really think about it, I was freaking out over what other people would call normal eating.
Half of a sub sandwich and two chips ahoy cookies can hardly be called a binge, but at the time it felt like I was eating so much!
So I didn't get a chance to weigh myself until after the lease signing, (Yay! It's official now!), so I ate breakfast first but when I weighed myself I was at exactly the same weight as yesterday. Since that was after eating, I think I may have actually passed my goal but didn't get the chance to see it. I will see if I can get under it by tomorrow. I seriously thought I had gained at least two pounds...

Also, since it is $250 to get my cat into the apartment and $25 extra a month for the cat's rent, V does not want to pay that much and suggests leaving the cat where she is. I am not happy right now. I'm going to be trapped in the same room with V at the new apartment too. I am so not ready for any of this.

Boyfriends and Weight

I want to be the girl in the relationship for once.
V weighs 139 pounds. I weigh 161. It's disgusting. It's sick. How do people live like this?!
This is what we should look like.

Dark Passenger

V makes me realize how dark my life really is, how different I really am. I feel like there really is an "us", and a "them". There is an obvious difference between people like me, and people like him. I embrace my dark side. He never had one, and will probably never see the dark side. I told him he could read a few things from my blog and he told me he couldn't. He's too afraid of what he might read. He cannot face the darker things in life. Songs that mean so much to me, he won't listen to because it scares him. I was watching the show Dexter the other day. Dexter has a darker side he calls his "dark passenger". I love it because it reminds me of me in a way, although I am not a killer, and I feel like the dark passenger is me and there is no other side except for the front I have to put up in front of other people. If anyone else ever saw my dark passenger, saw the real me, I could never be accepted.
Blood and death fascinates me, and he turns away from it. We live in such different worlds...
I love my dark passenger, I love who I am, but no one else ever could.

I'm listening to Silverchair- Ana's Song (open fire), and Brooke Fraser- Scarlet. I so badly just want to embrace my dark side.

I can't breath and the real world scares me. I just want to be by myself in my head again. I want to feel separated. I want to detach myself. I want to finally be at home in my head again.
I want to be tiny. I want to be so tiny I scare people. I want to be able to pick at my food and then turn it away. I want to be untouchable. I want to be fragile and beautiful. I want to always be cold. I want to drown in my own clothes. I want to be careless and free. I want to be far away. I want Ana back. I can't eat healthy anymore. It just sickens me. I want to be unhealthy. I want to be disordered in my eating habits. I want to be not just sick, but the sickest. I don't care how messed up that is. I want it back.

Not Okay

Does anybody else feel like they are utterly and completely alone, even in a room full of people? Even in a room with your boyfriend and one of his friends?
God, I was doing so well. I was going to end my day under 600 calories and then his car fucking broke and he had to call his parents and ask for help. He didn't even need his parents. His mom just reassured him the same way I could have had he given me the chance, but who am I kidding? There's just no one like a mom.
I don't want anything to have to do with his parents though. They think I am complete shit and that their son is too good for someone like me. It sickens me. He brings it up almost daily if I don't. This will pass and then I will just be another discarded girlfriend. The fucked up one that makes all the rest look good.
I hate this.
His car broke down so he asked his friend to help him, even though he could have just used my phone. Then his friend and him went and blew some money on food and the friend at least asked me if I wanted anything. My bf purposely tried to make me mad because he thought it was funny, and then asked fifty times, IN FRONT OF HIS FRIEND if I was mad or upset. So embarrassing. Then I just followed them back to the dorm room where they just hopped on the TV and started playing some kind of shooting game. I'm guessing it was Call of Duty or something. It is the most fucking pointless game I have ever seen. He wants to buy himself the next game in the series for $60. His parents are going to buy him hundreds of dollars in presents and then he made a list of other things he wants for Christmas, totaling over $200. Then he promised me a trip to my parents to get some of my things, but it will be another hundred or two and then we will only be able to get my fish tank and a few boxes. He also promised to help me get my cat back. There is a pet deposit and maybe a fish tank deposit in case of water damage. He promised lots of furniture and a new bed and so many other things. Why am I falling for this again? It's just a shit load of empty promises. He might get a few hundred for the entire month of December.
I've been holding all of this back for so long, letting it all build up, ignoring my doubts and thoughts. Now that I have finally binged it's all coming out and I just want to scream. I am so sick of all the shit I have to go through in my life, and there is nowhere to put the blame. I want to disappear. I can just walk away from all of this. Maybe I am actually allowed to have thoughts of my own. Maybe I am actually allowed to have my own emotions. I don't want to be here and I don't want to do this. This is not okay.
I can't do this...

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Wandering Pointlessly

I think I've been struggling with what to do with my life for a while. It's all so confusing. What would make me feel fulfilled? What can I actually do, realistically? I need to figure out things I can do with my life that the manic depression and anxiety can't interfere with. So I'm going to simplify things to myself a little bit.

What do I value?
  • being skinny
  • being pretty
  • looking like a model
  • my paintings (if I can actually finish them)
  • my art (mixed feelings here)
  • writing fantasy (I've had writers block for too long...)
  • blogging (because that gets me so far in life...)
  • clothes
  • having a home
  • CREATING (This pretty much covers my talents. If I am not creating, I am destroying.)
  • pretty things, owning lots of things, creating a beautiful world around me
  • living in my head so that I don't have to deal with everything
  • euphoria (addicting, happens when I starve, am skinny, or create something amazing occasionally)
This list doesn't help much to be honest. Why is it so hard to find a direction...?

I guess I realized that someday I will inevitably grow old and ugly even if I can manage to be skinny, and if I want to have kids that will also have an effect on how I look, and being skinny can't be everything to me. If being skinny is everything that ever matters to me, I will always feel like I missed the important stuff in life. I mean, maybe I want to be famous someday. I don't want to just disappear when I die, you know? I know the chances of becoming famous are ridiculous but...
I even doubt that I want to have children anymore. I always figured I would want them eventually and maybe in a few years I will, but I feel like then my life will be over. Everything will be about the children then. I feel like I will cease to matter once I become a mother. Being a mother takes up every corner of your life. I also feel that I want to have a few kids at least and there is a time limit to child bearing years, so I only have five years or so left before I want to start that. Five years is a long time but when I think about what I can do with it, and what I will do with it, I feel like I only have five years left to live. Am I the only one who thinks about this??? Sigh.
I don't want to spend my entire life searching. I want to do things...
Wow this post was kind of pointless..

Greek Yogurt

It took me two days to get back to where I was because of a bad day. Then yesterday I know I ate too much, and I was convinced that I would gain several pounds back. Well, I weighed this morning and I am at exactly where I was yesterday. I didn't lose or gain. I guess it's great that I didn't gain anything but I am so close to my first goal that it was slightly disappointing. I am disappointed in myself for not doing better. I can't just lose half a pound a day. I would never get to my goal that way. I need to lose now and succeed every day. Dieting is never satisfying without success. I need to exercise some control.
I am 0.6 pounds over my first goal. That's not even a full pound!
I haven't eaten anything today and I don't plan to eat until my bf gets back in four hours after he is done with work. Then maybe I will have a yogurt. The best thing about this plan is that by then, even if I end up binge eating until I am so full I feel sick, I only have low calorie foods around and I should fill up quickly. I won't be able to eat more than around 800 calories, even if I lose control. Besides, if I stick to my yogurts (80 calories each) then I would have to eat a whopping ten of those yogurts to get to 800 calories. I will probably be full after about three, even in binge mode. That's 240 calories for three yogurts.
I love these yogurts. They are Light & Fit Greek yogurts, with no fat in them, at 80 calories, and they have the consistency of soft cream cheese almost. Very filling, no damage done. Vanilla is my favorite. I find that when I have a bad day and eat a lot, the more of them I eat, the less damage is done and it's almost like the calories in them don't even count. Besides all of that, they are supposed to be really good for my tummy, which has stopped getting upset nearly completely since I started eating them.
Anyways I figured I would share this with everyone as a possible alternative to binge foods, or maybe just something to add in to the day as a low calorie option.
On a different note, the points plan is still working for me, and I have actually been able to keep track of everything I eat, and it keeps me in check and motivates me. I NEED to reach my goals before the holiday season is over. It is no longer a want. Keeping a food diary really helps too. I actually keep a separate notebook for that and my bf hands both notebooks to me as I am eating throughout the day to help, and when he is gone I keep track of every little thing that passes my lips. When I see how long the list is getting I start to feel quite disgusted with myself and then I force myself to stop eating before it gets out of control.
Everything is coming together. My main problem I think, is trying to find the determination and motivation to push me to do better than my best, and that's why I am blogging more now. I need to reach out to everyone and let them know that I for once am not failing, and if I do start to fail, I will have to tell everyone that I am not as good as I want to be. I can hide away and not broadcast my failures to anyone and binge and hate myself, but it will never help me to feel better. The only one who can help me is me, and if I hold myself accountable for my mistakes, then I have no choice but to do better. I hope this helps someone else in the process.

Monday, November 11, 2013

4 Months

Me and V have been together four months today. I don't usually keep track but I mean, why not?
I ended up gaining almost two pounds yesterday but lost another one today so I am on my way. I feel like I am not making any progress though. I want to see some new numbers.
I don't have much to say today though so here's some thinspo for everyone.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Model Diet

I ran into a video and some articles mentioning Victoria's Secret Angel Adriana Lima's diet for before the show and I wanted to share it on here. I would like to try it myself but I can't do any dieting here in the dorm because the more liquids I drink the more I have to pee and I already pee every other hour or so when I drink half the recommended amount. It sucks. This wouldn't be such a problem but I'm not supposed to be living here, and eventually someone is going to notice me if I end up having to go pee every night, all night, every other hour. But I found out I might get to move in to the apartment earlier than planned. Maybe around the 15th like I originally thought. Then our bedroom will have it's own bathroom and I won't have to worry about stuff like that. I'm still considering doing this plan anyways though... It might be worth the risk.
Anyways, it goes something like this.
She drinks a gallon of water a day. Nine days before the show she stops eating solids and sticks to protein shakes only. Then two days before the show she stops drinking the full gallon and starts drinking normally. Twelve hours until the show and she stops drinking entirely. Sounds amazing right?
It might be a good way to approach a special day and try to lose a lot of weight fast. I do not recommend drinking so much water however. I think she also works out for at least two hours a day. I like the all liquids diet though. I have found that part to be extremely effective from past experience.

Ana Fears

I saw a girl earlier and she was the tiniest thing I have ever seen and it looked so natural. It brings out some of my worst fears, and I bet some of you fear these same things, but it is never mentioned.
I fear that maybe, I may not ever be that small. I fear that I am wasting time by spending it failing over and over again. I feel like time is running out for me. I sometimes fear that maybe I will never be able to be that small. What if my bones are big and no matter how skinny I get, I will never look like these other girls? What if the numbers on the scale never reflect the way I look? What if I will always look fatter than I weigh, or the numbers always say I am fat even when I look skinny? I want everything to work together. I want the numbers to reflect the way I look. I want to be tiny, and I want to stop feeling the way I feel about myself. I want to feel good, look good, and be the envy of every passing person in real life, not just in my day dreams.
But I guess, we can't ask ourselves these questions, because if we do, we might be admitting that we can't fix what we find so wrong with our own bodies, and I personally, cannot accept that I may never be the perfect beautiful person I know I am meant to be. So we keep dieting in the hopes that someday, we might fit in with everybody else, because if we could never fit in, we could never accept ourselves.
However, time is always passing by. The outfits we never let ourselves buy because we can't admit that we are bigger than we'd like to be, the clothes we never try on because we want to wait until we are smaller, even though we never get there.The social events we never go to because we can't bear to let anyone see us in a different way than we want to see ourselves. We pass on spending time with family or friends because we don't want them to see the way we really look. We want them to see us after we look better, and we always resolve to look better by a time or event that is unrealistically close to now, and then when we fail ourselves, we back out of those events too. Or even the events we cannot miss, we end up tearing ourselves apart because we didn't make it, and then we imagine every pair of eyes looking our way to be tearing apart the way we look. In the end, we end up cheating ourselves out of life. We end up wasting the times that are most important in our lives, because we feel that we are wasting time, failing to use our self control to make our bodies look perfect. It's a self defeating cycle. Is it worth it? We won't decide whether it is or not. We have to be perfect, not just for everyone else, but for ourselves. Because we have convinced ourselves that we deserve nothing less than perfection.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Christmas Music Already

As many of you may know, I have an obsession with winter time and Christmas season, so yes, I am listening to Christmas music already. In my defense, the radio station here already started playing it and I particularly like that radio station.
I find it motivating because I imagine myself on Christmas morning, or in the month of December when all of the snow starts falling and there is just no way that I can ruin that by letting myself continue on this way. There is nothing more satisfying than having to bundle up in so many layers because you are so tiny you can't make your own heat, and then knowing that the layers only make you look smaller because there is no fat to make it bulgy.
Snow is like an alternate reality that coats the world and lets you see through to somewhere not quite real. It's magical for me. Christmas makes me feel like for just one day, everything can be better. It's like holding your breath for 364 days and then being able to finally take a breath before you plunge into another tough year.
I know everyone is going to think I am crazy for getting into the holiday spirit so early, but since I have so much time on my hands, and winter is so difficult for me with all of my disorders and all of the crap that is happening in my life, I need the season to last just a little bit longer to get through it all. Besides, if I want to be skinny by the time I move into the apartment (actually found out it won't be until December 20th at the earliest), I need to start motivating myself now.
Just an update on the system I posted about yesterday, it is working quite well for me. I have lost three pounds since I started three days ago. That may not be much yet, and it's still up in the air whether I am going to be able to stick to it for a long time, and I think a pound a day is still remarkable progress. I am so excited to be skinny again, or at least skinnier. I am going to pass up my low weight before I know it.
I hope everyone is doing well wherever you are.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

New Diet Plan

I have worked out a new diet plan for myself that involves a point system kind of like weight watchers but tailored more for my own personal needs.

0 cals          10 pts
100 cals        9 pts
200 cals        8 pts
300 cals        7 pts
400 cals        6 pts
500 cals        5 pts
600 cals        4 pts
700 cals        3 pts
800 cals        2 pts
900 cals        1 pt.
1000 cals      0 pts
1000+ cals  -5 pts
-5 points for every 500 calories after that.
This is so that I don't just allow myself to keep eating after I've already passed 1000 calories.

0 mins       -2 pts
20 mins       2 pts
40 mins       4 pts
60 mins     10 pts
120 mins   15 pts
180 mins   20 pts
+5 points for each hour after that

1 cup    1 pt
2 cups   2 pts
3 cups   3 pts
The reason I am encouraging myself to drink coffee is because it can help me keep calmer and mellow out a bit. Since I have ADHD it has the opposite effect on me so it helps with restlessness and anxiety. Also, the caffeine is good for my metabolism and it always makes my appetite go away for a while. You can also substitute this section with a tea section because everyone knows how good tea is for you.

Going outside:

0 mins     0 pt
20 mins   2 pts
40 mins   4 pts
60 mins   6 pts
Since I have anxiety issues I have trouble going outside every day so I won't take away any points for not going outside, but it can also help with my depression to go outside every once in a while so this will encourage me to take short walks at least. It can help make up a few extra points on a bad day too.

gaining more than 1 pound   -5 pts
gaining 1 pound                   -3 pts
maintaining weight                 0 pts
losing 1 pound                      5 pts
losing more than 1 pound    10 pts

blogging +1 per day
purging -5 pts
diet pills/vitamins +1 per day
OD on any pills, medication, or misuse of laxatives -10 pts

If anyone else wants to use this system, you don't have to do it exactly like mine. You can change the points around to whatever you think helps you best, and then add more sections for other goals. For example, you can write down a list of goal weights and when you pass them, you can give yourself a bonus of 20 points or something along those lines.
I wrote these down in a new notebook of mine. It has a hard cover with Marilyn Monroe on the front and a red ribbon for a bookmark. Because it is so nice and wasn't exactly cheap, it makes me want to do really well so I don't have to open something so beautiful and see a list of failures. I keep track of my points day by day by lettering the sections and then writing the letters and points for that section next to them in each entry. Then I total them up and circle them for the day.
My goal is to be down to 140 by the time I move into the new apartment on the 20th. We put in our applications today and did some paperwork so it's all finalized. I can totally do this.

Monday, October 28, 2013


I've been having one main issue with my boyfriend lately. Besides the fact that he stresses out way too much over things that really aren't that significant, I have to deal with another set of hateful parents. At first they were kind and appeared to like me, but now they are making it increasingly clear how much they do not want me in their son's life.
His mom told him that she would rather he sleep around at college than have a steady girlfriend. I think they do not appreciate that I am pulling their son away from them but he's not a child anymore. I thought it was normal for a while but now it is starting to feel extreme. I think they actually hate me.
I found out that his mom and dad were trying to dictate where he lives. They told him he was not allowed to get an apartment until they were ready. He went ahead with it anyways. His roommate told his own parents about me being here with V, and then they told V's parents. They threatened to take away his car and stop paying for insurance and cut him off completely. I had to go home for a while. But everyone knows I can't put up with my parents. I was going to be there for months but I coudn't stand it.
His parents would not give him information for his financial aid, (this happened sometime before we were dating I think), and told him they would do it. They set it up so that his financial aid money would get sent to their house. They had joint accounts with him since he was a teenager and check his account balance and activity. They kept complete control over his life. Keep in mind, my boyfriend is 19 years old. I am still sometimes on the fence about how normal this is because I can understand how parents are so concerned for their children and he is their only child, but it seems to be getting out of their control and they are trying as hard as they can to hold onto him. It may not be my place, but I think 19 is a good time to start to let go.
Last weekend they told him that if he came to visit me at my parents, they would take away his car. His car wouldn't be as important if he hadn't just gotten himself a job that he needs to drive to. The job is essential if he wants any independence and they know it. He also secured us an apartment for in December.
He has a friend I am actually pretty fond of, as far as boyfriend's bffs go. I will call him T for now. T has a two room apartment with his sister and her fiance. They are changing colleges at the end of the semester and asked us to take over the lease for them. So we are going to move in half way through December. That means I will have a home by Christmas. Even if my boyfriend loses his job, his financial aid will cover rent, so this isn't an if, it's a when. This is a promise to me that can't really be broken. I will finally have a home, maybe not my own room, but an actually place to belong where my name can be on the lease and I won't be able to be kicked out unless no one pays rent. It feels good.
Luckily, my boyfriend did the last few things I needed to feel secure. His parents cannot affect my future if they can't control his. I felt like they had some control over me but they can't interfere with us getting an apartment unless they somehow keep him from being able to withdraw money from his bank accounts, which they have access to. So I asked V to do these two, last things for me. He got his own bank account without his parents names on them. These are bank accounts they can't touch. Then, he went to the financial aid office and changed the address on the papers so that any financial aid money comes here, at the dorms where he lives. They don't know yet. But it doesn't matter.
I feel like I have covered everything. I do not like people who try and control other people. I also do not like people who try and control me.
They told him, knowing I was listening, that they did not care if I was homeless and on the streets as long as I wasn't here with him. They told him that all of this stuff about me should have set alarms going off in his head. Being a dropout and having bipolar disorder, they said, would have set anyone else running in the other direction.
You haven't been hated until you have been discriminated against for who you are, for your mistakes and your health disorders, for things you cannot change, for the parts of yourself that you can't change and will never be able to ignore. It's okay when people call me fat or stupid because I can change the way I look and I know I am intelligent, lies do not bother me. It's the truth that really cuts deep. It will forever fascinate me how people who have it all, think nothing of those they run down in their path.
But I will be strong, and I will get through this. It's hard to hear, but I know who I am, and what I am, and I know that I am not worthless, and I am not the person they want me to be so that they can look down their noses at me. I know my worth and I don't have to let anyone take that away from me. His parents don't matter. I am secure in knowing that I am loved, and that I will be taken care of. That's what matters.

Facing Facts

I haven't posted in a while. I don't know what to say anymore. I feel like a broken record every time I get on here. There is nothing positive or uplifting about anything I write and I know it. I feel like this is me sending an S.O.S. to the world, broadcasting it like a radio signal in the apocalypse, waiting for somebody else to respond so that I don't have to be alone in this cruel, hard world. But I think maybe it just makes me feel lonelier.
I think most of the time in my real life I just act like nothing is wrong, like nothing wrong can happen. It's my way of coping. When nothing seems to go right, I feel like I am not allowed to cry or show weakness. I can't express myself in a negative way. The world has enough of that. But then, I think that's why I'm here right now; because everyone around me can't see the negative. I can't let them.
Are there anymore good people in this world? I know the answer to that. I know there are, they just seem to be all the wrong people. The good people are the people like me. They are rare or broken or in the wrong position to help anyone and that's what makes life so hard. The reality is, not many people have the time or the money or enough of any other resource for that matter, that they can help everyone who needs it. So I have fallen between the cracks.
I love the way I am. I just want to be me. It may not be easy but I love me, because I have been me my whole life. Why would I want to be anybody else when I know everything about me that is good and bad, and all of the secrets and moments that make me so wonderful. But everybody else wants me to be someone I am not.
I need to get on disability to get by, but they will not allow me into the program without medication. The medication will not make me happy. There is no magical happy pill. It can only make things bearable. It can only make me numb to whatever makes me feel so out of control, but will also take away the parts of me that make life so worthwhile and exciting. They want to put me on lithium, but I will have to take regular blood checks to make sure it is not killing my thyroid. I have a good chance of ending up that way anyways. Then I will have to take hormones to fix that. But also, if I want to have children someday, which is only a few days down the road, I will have to go off of the medication so as not to harm the fetus. I will go through withdrawal and have to deal with the bipolar disorder for 9 months. By then, the positive coping mechanisms I have learned thus far will be distant memories instead of habits anymore. If I want to breastfeed after those nine months, I will have to stay off of it for longer. I am at high risk for postpartum depression. Then I will have to go back onto it again, but if I want to have more than one child, it will only be short term. I can't ride that roller coaster my entire life.
But I have to face the facts. The bipolar is bad. The lower moods that dominate my life during the colder months especially eat at me. They make it hard for the people around me. I wonder if I can really raise children that way, have a family that way. Can I make it?
I have to ask questions like, what will it be like for my family in the future if I am on a constant roller coaster? What will it be like for them for me to go off and on medications my entire life? Is it even possible to have a normal life without medication? But being on medication is surely not easy either. There is really no way to win here. It feels like a lose-lose situation, and I wonder which way would be less hurtful to those around me. I have my future to think of, my whole life ahead of me to plan and try and make the best of.
For now, I am too afraid to try medications. They have never helped me before, and the implications of my future are looming over my head. I don't have an address to give the doctors office if I tried to go, and it seems like I need to wait before making any decision this big. I am going to try to cope on my own. I have been doing okay this past year and it seems like things could be okay for a little while, maybe.
It's so cold here. I am enjoying the fresh air for once.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Life Is Chaos

So, the appocolypse of my life has finally happened.
V's parents found out that I was staying with him in his dorm and are about ready to disinherit him if I don't leave. We are not able to get an apartment until at the very earliest, January. And I finally got kicked out of the apartment. R moved into my room and if I want to live there, I have to sleep next to K, his sister. There is no room in the place for my things. I would have no way to entertain myself either.
I was planning on going back there to escape from the drama of V's parents for a while but now I am homeless again. I can't stay in this dorm. If V gets caught with me living here, we could both get kicked out and there would be nowhere to go for him either then.
I can't go back to my parents obviously. That place would kill me. I was so sick there and my mom never even noticed that I hadn't eaten in five days or so. My mom made it clear she has no time or money to help me in any way. I can't get onto disability because I can't afford medication or doctor's appointments.
Wow, my life has really gone to hell.
On the plus side, my period finally started- TEN DAYS LATE. What a heart attack.
I don't think it has really hit yet...

Thursday, September 26, 2013


Right now I am sort of panicking and I feel I have no place else to go to talk about it, even if nobody actually talks back. I can't tell V that I am worried. I would just make him worried.
My period is several days late. We used protection but I always worry when it is late. And it has never been this late before. I am told it can be late for many different reasons. Some of which can be a change in surroundings, or a change in physical activeness. Those kept me sane for a while but now V is asleep and I am alone with my own thoughts.
I came back to the college with V, and am currently staying in his dorm room, sleeping under his bed. I'm not supposed to be here so if I get caught living here I can get kicked out. My options after that are sleep in his car, or on the street. It is several hours away from the apartment which I can't stand to live in any longer. It's also getting colder, and the closer to winter it gets, the worse my manic lows get. Because I am bipolar this can be extreme. I get suicidal. I lose my will to live. Depression takes me over.
I don't have the money to go to the doctor or get medications, and that might be dangerous anyways because half of the medications I tried put me in the hospital and the other half gave me side affects that may as well have put me in the hospital. It's been a tough ride.
I haven't really spoken to my family since I left their house nearly a month ago. My mother has not called. They just don't really think of me or something. I don't know. But either way I feel forgotten. I feel like they have moved on, like I knew they would, and I don't want to interrupt their new life with a phone call from the old one. All I have ever done to them is make them worry and make trouble, and be an inconvenience to my mom. I can't ask for money anymore, even if I need it. I have just enough left in my wallet for another few months to cover my phone and that's it. If I need feminine products, I will have to take it from that, which puts me down another month of phone service. I won't make it past November.
V thinks he can get us into an apartment possibly before my birthday at the end of October. At the latest, he can get one in December or January because then the new semester will start and he can use the financial aid that would normally go towards the dorm room and convert it to rent, which is actually cheaper.
If I am pregnant though, I can fuck up his whole life. If I left him I would fuck him up, and then I would have nowhere to go. If I stayed with him, he would have to drop out of college and lose everything. His parents would be so disappointed, and I would be the high school drop out who led him astray. Honestly, I can't deal with being pregnant. If I really were, it would be really bad. As if life isn't hard enough with the bipolar disorder and anxiety disorder and all those other disorders.
What am I doing?
On the weight loss front, I have been doing terribly. I gained it all back pretty fast and I got a chance to weigh myself at the apartment when I went back to get some things over the weekend and I was 166 pounds or so. Disgusting! I can't believe myself!
I have no way to weigh myself here either so I feel like I am putting on the pounds like crazy, and no matter which way I look at myself in the mirror, no matter how many times V says I am beautiful and amazing and look perfect the way I am, I still feel like a fat fuck and a fat fuck up. I feel like I am failing every day. I don't even have to see myself in the mirror to be aware every second of just how awful I must look. It doesn't even particularly matter what other people might think of me. I don't care as much if they think I am fat, I just want them to think good things about me and notice me for those things. I want to be the best. I want them to look at me and think how skinny and gorgeous I am. I am my biggest critic though. I want to look good to me, for me. If I look in the mirror when I wake up, and any part of me looks too big, or just, not small enough, that day is already over.
I'm done ranting or whatever I am doing now. I will try and post again soon since I have been sadly neglecting to keep everyone up to date.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

9.4 pounds lost in 11 days

I came to visit my parents for a few weeks. I think I am in a state of dissociative anxiety or something. Nothing feels real and I can't get back to reality. I feel like I am in a big movie theater and everyone around me is moving around on a screen and they can talk to me and I can talk back but I feel so disconnected.
It's very strange.
Anyways, due to that I think, I decided to lose weight and it just happened and it feels way too easy. I weighed myself about eleven days ago at around 165.2 pounds. I know I was higher than that on a day before that. Maybe it was water weight. Today, or I guess yesterday, I weighed myself at 155.8 pounds. I have lost about ten pounds. I stopped eating as much. I decided I HAD to be skinny. I started eating just fruits and things, and then I started to eat maybe two different meals a day, like say, some fruit earlier on and maybe something else later.
I failed a few days and ate too much, but I added it up and rounded up and came up with 1400 or less I think. I didn't count much though, maybe to estimate. I didn't weigh myself either. I summed up the motivation and kept going. After eating two things a day, I went down to one. That day, I ate a little drum stick and a little bigger piece of chicken and that was it. Then on Sunday, I ate nothing all day. Nothing. I waited to eat until yesterday afternoon and I had a bowl of cereal, which felt like way too much because I added a little more cereal afterwards to soak up the milk. It seems like such a large bowl of cereal. I haven't slept yet either.
But I can't believe I lost so much, and yet, I wish I had lost more. And I am going to try and lose a few more before V gets here to bring me home on Friday. But I have four days. I would have to lose more than one pound a day to get under 150. But if I can do that, I will be about 13 pounds away from my low weight.
I maintained at around 140-145 all last winter and I felt amazing. This time I will do better. I will go lower, but if I can get down there around where I was at my lowest weight, I will feel so accomplished. I really can achieve anything.
Right now I am 18.8 pounds off from my lowest weight of 137. Before, it was almost thirty. I feel so close. I can't give up now.
Ten whole pounds!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Old man might not be able to make rent this month so internet has been cut off and tomorrow is my last day with my bf, V, before he goes back to college.
I feel like I must be 170 pounds and it is killing me. I will lose lots once he leaves I am sure.

Monday, August 5, 2013

You're beautiful
Don't change
It's the inside that counts
And that matters

No need to count pounds
No need to measure
To judge
Guilty pleasures

To dance around
With your eyes closed
Looking and touching
Too small clothes

No need to hate yourself
You have a great personality
You aren't fat
Time to face reality

You say those words
I hear them
But can't understand
Because while you speak

Your eyes find fault
With my body
My shape
My weight

Each pound of fat
On my hips
That you don't have
You fear them

Miss size three
Hear me speak
Hear me know
The havoc skinny girls

Like you will sew
On girls like me
With hearts so big
It overflows

I'm just not
Like you
But I will be

I'll be the skinniest,
The prettiest,
The boniest,
The wittiest

You will envy me
Warm and sweet
Shivering in summer
The image of Elite

I will dance
Looking 'round
For your key
Unbound and free

Saturday, August 3, 2013

I feel sick. I don't know what else to say but that I feel sick with myself. I had sex with V. I knew I would feel bad afterwards. I KNEW. Yet I did it anyways. I don't know what made me do it. We have been together maybe three weeks. I am his first. What is wrong with me? I am going to be here at his house with him for another day or two too. I don't know what to do. I want to shut down but I can't let him know how I feel seeing as it was his first time. Why do I have no self control? I am totally breaking down at the moment but I can't reach out. I just can't get myself to do it. I am a wreck.
I guess I will find my mp3 player and just try and fall asleep like he is right now.
How discouraging. I just hate my life right now. I hate myself. This is not very healthy talk...

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Just watching him sleep calms me down. There is something there. I don't know what it is but I want to find out. He keeps scrunching his eyes tight like he's in pain or something and it makes me think about what I see when he is awake and his eyes move so fast and it's like I can see him thinking. He's got such long eyelashes...
I'm not sure what I am doing, but I don't want to screw this up.
I wish I could sleep. I think I am going to be up until late tonight. I can't sleep at all. I am finally calming down from the music but I feel a deep sadness that just seems to keep me from settling down enough to sleep. Today is going to be rough. I can feel it coming.
I have started rating my lows on a scale of 1-10, 10 being attempting suicide, and 1 being a small panic attack. It helps me keep track of it a little better because there is such a vast difference between them but they are all some kind of low. I was hitting 9's and almost 10's before I got into this relationship and getting out of the last one brought it down to a few 3's or around there. Lately, going back to the apartment I have been having some 5's, which is nothing serious but still sucks, and I think I just came out of, or am still in a low around 6 or 7. This is all just babble, but my point is that I thought about suicide for a moment there. I just wanted to quit so bad. I wonder if it is about my family leaving or the fact that I need to work on getting on disability this week, or the inevitable winter that is going to be so alone. V is going back to college, a few hours away, in three weeks or so now. Then I may get to see him once a month until Christmas time. I don't know how I am going to survive. My phone is going to get shut off in a month or two, and I don't know what I will do after that. I'm going to be all alone the majority of the time. I am terrified of that. At least I am not having a panic attack again. I am just resigned to my depression at the moment. Just like everything else, I am just going to have to wait it out.
I'm scared of relationships.
I don't know what I am doing here. I am terrified of where this might go, and yet terrified that it won't go anywhere. I liked V at first, and now I am wondering if that is still there. I need space from him. He is no longer new and shiny, and this relationship has already dragged out for 2 1/2 weeks and I feel like whatever I once felt is somehow missing. I am floundering, grasping for those initial feelings. I hate being lost but I seem to have been born without a sense of direction.
I am turning into a germ freak again. I want to avoid it but every thought and occasion brings up more reasons to fear the floor that I walk on, the people I touch, and even the very air that I breathe has been contaminated in some way. I want to hole up somewhere safe and untouched by the unkind things of the world.
Every touch feels dirty and wrong. Every kiss feels uncomfortable. His gaze makes me want to be alone. His caresses feel like gropes. It has nothing whatsoever to do with him this time. I know that. He has never done wrong by me. He has never, nor will he ever hurt me in that way.
I have come to realize that my last relationship with D was abusive. It was sick and wrong and hurt me deeper than I care to admit. All that time, it was rape. It was not making love, nor was it just sex. When he touched me I felt like a whore, like all he wanted was to ravage my body in a way that I was not meant. He was like an animal. I never wanted sex. Never. The entire time, I felt that I needed him in other ways and let him have his way with me otherwise. I remember hating him for always wanting those things. He defined sexual things as sex, and everything else was innocent. I never wanted to touch or be touched. I was willing to please, but not eager to pleasure. I always said no but he would pressure me and press for it until I could no longer say no without making him angry and when he got angry I felt that it was my fault. The first time I did it with him was in the back of a car. I remember the guilt that came afterwards. I remember crying after several of these occasions. I remember feeling as if I had been violated, and not understanding why. I hadn't wanted to say yes. But I did. Technically, since I said yes, and never put my foot down, it could not be considered rape, right?
All of that time I felt dirty and no matter how many times I showered the feeling would not go away. I wanted to scratch all of my skin off, and when that didn't work, I tried to get it off by scalding my entire body with the hottest the shower would go. I would contemplate pouring gasoline over my head and clarifying myself by burning everything off. I didn't care how ugly that made me. I wanted to be ugly so badly. I wanted him to look away from me with disgust for once, instead of eyeing me like a wolf. I was the meat.
Losing all of that weight last winter was a desperate attempt to make me feel better about myself while at the same time, trying to waste away until there was no meat to look at. I wanted to be bony and unappealing, but the fragility of it, the idea of looking the way I felt, I just couldn't get enough of that. It ate me away.
I want to be tiny again, but perhaps that only comes with a feeling of abuse and neglect and I'm not sure it's a good idea to face that again.
All of that is still raw to me and it doesn't seem to be boding well for this new relationship. All the same touches from someone who I know truly cares, seems to hold the same feelings nagging at the back of my mind, no matter how hard I try and ignore them. I think I am over 160 again and it's killing me.
My family left on Thursday. They are now in another state. They are gone. My mom didn't want to spend any money with a storage space like she'd said before to comfort me, so I picked what could stay and sent the rest with them. I feel really alone. I feel abandoned.
I think what I am feeling can be defined simply, as fear. I am scared right now.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I am so sick of being fat. I am sick of feeling like every day is empty. I am sick of feeling like I am doing nothing with my life. I am so sick of life. I am sick of everything. I am sick. I can't deal with life. I can't deal with existing, or with myself. I need to learn to cope better but even then I can never see myself being normal again, if I ever was that. I can't see myself getting better.
I want to starve. I want to cut. I want to suffer. I want to feel pain and have pain and be a pain and I am all over the place. I am frustrated and restless all of the time. I don't want to face another day of trying. I don't want to be a failing artist. I miss the darkness and yet it has found me, just in a less clean and pleasant place than before. Every day seems to burn me down and dry me out. I feel old and worn and rusty and dirty. I feel bruised and lonely and lost. The heat gets to me like a cold seems to coat all of your insides until you feel nothing but a cruel wanting to be somewhere else and something else. I just want it to be winter. I want the cold.
But I keep telling myself that if I just starved I could feel better. The food I eat just seems to keep me warm and sick. It keeps me from feeling free. I feel like it traps me and holds me down. Food feels like chains suffocating my wrists and ankles and dragging me down until I am tired of fighting but still have to. I want to feel empty and clean. If I stopped eating I could stop feeling sick. If I stopped eating I could lose weight. If I stopped eating I could feel cold again. If I stopped eating I could feel better about myself.
I want clothes to hang off of me instead of my fat. I want protruding bones and pale skin. I want to be able to wear layers of clothes, even in the brightest, hottest, most miserable part of the day and still shiver.
I crave to be tiny again. And after that? I want to be tinier.
It doesn't take much. Just a little self control for a few days can satiate my thirst for a time, so that for just a little while I can feel pretty and special and effortless again. I would like to be able to give anything for it, but I am scared.

Friday, July 12, 2013

I broke up with D. I am now dating V. What a weird week...
I am back at the apartment now and I am going to be fasting a lot. I want to lose a good 5-8 pounds by whatever time next week I get to see V next.

Friday, July 5, 2013

High School Friend V Intro

I have this friend from high school and I met up with him the other day with another friend, and then I ended up ditching her because she was trying to manipulate me into doing things that I don't care for.
We will call him V.
This guy is sweeter than anything.
I meant to go to his place to hang out until my bf could call and pick me up, since it was closer to where he was so it would save him gas. My bf promised to take me to see fireworks last night. He never actually called.
V's parents are away on vacation and so I am actually staying at his house. I slept next to him in his bed last night. He makes me feel special, and even better, there are sparks that there never were with my current bf. We didn't do anything, because at the moment we are just good friends, but it has been such a vacation from my life and my worries to spend all this time with him.
I am done dealing with my bf at the moment. I am so done with the way he has been treating me lately. We haven't talked and for once I am just going to wait until he calls me and see what happens from there.
V is making sweet offers of help, and trying to tell me that he will always be there for me. I feel like I fell for that already twice and I don't want to be comforted by what feels like more empty promises.
Fool me once, blame on you. Fool me twice, blame on me. What about the third time?
There is something else in this equation though. While with both H and D, (my ex and current bf), I only just met them and were friends with them for merely a few months at most, fully knowing that they were interested in me before we dated. Now, I am not going to be dating this guy necessarily, but if I were to end my current relationship, and I can see us possibly becoming an item. I am not entirely sure what I am doing or what is going on. I am not making any decisions or changes at the moment.
I will however, point one thing out.
I have been friends with V since high school. We were friends for several years and that is a much better background indication of character than what happened with H or D.
Life is so confusing right now though. My mom does not want to rent me a storage space anymore, and I don't think my bf is going to help me with my things and so they will probably go with my parents to another state until such a time that I can take it all back which could be years at this point. I also have no idea, since my bf seems to be withdrawing and unwilling to help me anymore, how I am going to pay for my doctors appointments and my parents will be out of state. How do I get myself into these situations?!
I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do anymore either. For now I will just enjoy my time with V and try to relax and forget. Hopefully everything will work out for me.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Adriana Lima

So, I was on YouTube watching the different years of Victoria Secret fashion shows, and one model in particular stood out to me. Adriana Lima.
I looked up her statistics and here they are.
Height: 5'10
Weight: 123 lbs.
measurements: 34-24-35
Dress size: US size 4
Bra size: 34B
BMI: 17.6 (underweight)

I would have to be about 105 pounds to reach that bmi, and the reason the weight difference would have to be so different is because I am several inches shorter than her. I also saw differences between resources. Some sites say she is 112, some say she is 120. Either way, she is skinny an beautiful.

What really amazes me is that she is married and has two daughters and was still able to look that way after two kids. She also did a fashion show about seven weeks after having one of her daughters. Then I am amazed at how she was able to stay so tiny and still get pregnant, and then have a full term healthy pregnancy with no side affects to the baby. It gives me some hope that I won't end up 200+ pounds permanently, if I ever decide it's time to have children.

I am finally losing weight again.

I knew the 160.0 I got on the scale yesterday was a fluke. (Maybe I hoped more than I knew...) I was right!
I guess it was all water weight. In this case, I guess it was diet coke weight haha.
I lasted the full 24 hours of the fast and then lasted another seven hours, merely because I didn't have the chance to make food for myself. I am eating right now though. I am excusing myself with the fact that I really don't want to starve for forever, and then the moment I lose control and binge gain it all back. Fasting makes the metabolism put any food eaten afterwards right back into reserve. I want to lose the weight and keep it off.
So I am having ramen noodles at 380 calories but it is super filling. Then I am going to try another 24 hour fast after that.
And finally, I would like to reveal my current weight as of this morning. It far exceeded my expectations at 153.0 pounds. I lost seven pounds!
I maintained my calories at a normal level for a few days and so it is possible that the scale really was showing the truth. I think I may have been at the lowest, maybe 156 the last few days. This is because I wasn't restricting enough to have drastic weight loss, just a little. On the 26th, five days ago, I was 157.6 pounds and since then, each day in order I had 880, 1450+, 690, and then 990 calories. I think the fast caused me to lose up to three pounds in one day. Either way and math aside, I am really pleased. Hopefully I can be under 150 in the next week which would feel like a miracle, and be just amazing.
I am actually surprised at my progress, but thinking back, I always was good at losing it fast when I really wanted to. I was able to lose 10 pounds in 5 days on many occasions.
The way I see it, the faster I lose it, the easier it will be. If I let it drag out too long, I will start binge eating and gain back the small amount I will have lost, and maybe more.
The faster I get to my goals, the sooner I can start managing my intake and increasing it to prevent massive food cravings while maintaining. Maintaining at this point would be just too much to handle though. I want to lose so much weight...
I took pictures at 160 when I restarted and when I reach 150 I will take some more pictures and maybe post the difference. I might just wait until I reach one of my ultimate weigh goals first, and then post all of them at once.
I've really noticed my hips showing up again and it feels so good to see them. It's like seeing old friends.
I'm a bit of a chatterbox today I guess.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

In my world, it is always winter.

In my world, it is always winter. Even now, just into summer when the heat is so smoldering I am sweating inside the apartment. I can see snow falling in my mind's eye, and I can almost, if only for a second feel the dry, cool breeze that blows it in. Maybe the reason that I am feeling this way again is because I feel like the farther into myself I withdraw, the less alive I become. I like the cold and the dead of the winter season, and even without blossoming with life it seems that there is still a powerful magic at work, even though it does not show on the surface.
The only food I have left at hand is some noodles which take preparation. There are no more snack foods around, and no money to buy them with. I didn't last the full 24 hours but I starved for quite a while and felt dizzy and sick, and yet I felt better. I had no more than 1000 calories which is my total for the day, and I am confident that I can do a full 24 hour fast now, or maybe longer. Something scared the crap out of me yesterday and that's why I ate. It was a mini binge but at the end of all that food I was full feeling and sick. I can at least look forward to a reduced stomach size as a result of the fasting. My stomach is no longer used to large calorie binges. It is quite satisfying.
At the moment, I have not eaten in probably at least 12 if not 15 hours and it feels good. My stomach hurts from being hungry and I can ignore it. I've had dizzy spells since eating which feels amazing. It isn't the actual feeling that I like, but the accomplishments it implies.
My bf brought my scale over last night and it is sitting in my top drawer where no one will go, and I can take it out and weigh myself when nobody is around, which happens at least once every day.
After eating I weighed in at 160.0 exactly, which was disappointing but I will attribute it to any number of things and hope my number will be somewhat better next time I weigh. I know my body is changing. I can feel my hips again for some reason.
I am so ready to be tiny.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Actually, I changed my mind. Why do I even bother eating? Honestly?
I don't like eating and yet I force myself to do it anyways, just every once in a while. It's no wonder I haven't lost anything. I am going to try a simple 24 hour fast, and maybe add in some sodas or juices if I want to do a longer one. I never really got into the fasts before but now I want to try. I should be okay as long as no one tries to force feed me again. When people give me food, I can eat one or two bites and then take it into the room and throw it away in secret, or I can do that to begin with.
Now I am excited.
It takes hard work to lose weight. I want to lose it as fast as possible.
So, I messaged at least four friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. I might hang out with some of them on Tuesday. I am so proud of myself for being more sociable. It will be easier to lose weight with more to do anyways.
Lately I have been letting myself revolve around my bf but being clingy isn't going to make him stay and I know that's one of the big reasons I drove my ex away. I don't want to repeat past mistakes. So yesterday morning I took my anxiety meds (take as needed, not a big deal) and they helped me sleep all day and I woke up around when my bf gets off work, but I didn't even message him. I didn't really think about it much either. I messaged a friend from across the states who I haven't talked to in several months, and then my bf messaged me on his own. It's such a small accomplishment but it felt so good to know that he was thinking of me anyways. He might even come see me today. I don't know.
So the hot water heater probably won't get fixed until at the earliest, Monday. I felt so sick and disgusting that I went and took a cold bath. It was so cold! I figured it would be like trying to get used to the water when one first gets in the pool but oh my...! Then I got cold water in my ears and I have been dizzy and nauseous since. But I am clean. It feels soooooo good to be clean.
On a different note, I am trying to eat smaller amounts. I can usually keep it under 1000 calories but I would like to get it closer to 500-700 every day. Preferably, I would like to consume 500 or less a day, but we'll see.
So far today, I have had 690 calories. Not great, but not terrible either. I have been up since last night but I don't know when I am going to bed. I might wait until after seeing my bf to go to sleep, so I might allow myself another low calorie snack to keep myself going.
I've been having whole wheat pita bread lately. It's 200 calories and looks like more food than two pieces of bread. It seems more filling that way. I like to add a little salsa which is extremely low calorie, and then drink some diet soda.
I will be tiny again. It's only a matter of time. I am determined!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I've never felt so pathetic in my life. Actually, I have and that just makes me feel worse.
H broke up with me at the end of 8 months together. Me and my current boyfriend just hit our 8 month anniversary and I am just waiting for him to realize I'm not worth it. It doesn't help that I have no life and no friends and so I have nothing to pass the hours and am left to face my own misery head on, not being able to avoid depressing thoughts that beat me down to a whimpering fool by the end of the first ten minutes of my day.
This is stupid. How do I let myself get this way? I need to get back in contact with my friends and get something going in my life again.
I am also waiting for the old man and K to clean the apartment fully, (I would help if I only knew how), so that the hot water heater can get fixed, and the air conditioner, and get a new laundry/pool key. Perhaps then I will be able to go swimming every day. Some exercise could do me a load of good.
I keep trying to think of a way out when really I should be thinking of ways to cope.
I'm just living off of low waves where no matter how much I talk myself through something, I just can't keep going. Bipolar disorder sucks.
Also, I found out I had only lost one pound since six days ago and binge ate today. Not badly, but bad enough. I suppose 157.6 pounds isn't too bad, considering I have been stuck above 160 for a while now.
Stay thin everyone. <3

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I feel like the world is crashing down around me. My bf wants to break up. We haven't but he wants to. He feels like I am too overbearing and emotional and he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I don't blame him.
It's just like my last relationship all over again. And I can't tell him how terrible I feel because that would defeat the purpose. And so I feel so alone. I am just sitting here with quiet tears running down my face because I know I can't handle life. I've never been able to.
It terrifies me to have to get up every day and survive for every minute. I don't want to face any of this anymore. I know that makes me a coward but I don't care anymore. I can't live with this fear. I can't do it anymore.
I wish I had something to swallow right now because I would. I would swallow every last one of my bipolar pills and try and end this. And everyone hates me for the way I am but I don't care because I hate myself too. And nothing and no one can fix the way I am. No one can help me. Everyone just gives up on me. I can never have kids. I would not be able to deal with them. I can't even deal with myself. How am I ever supposed to have a happy relationship?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Thanks for your suggestion Scarlett but I am pretty sure I am not pregnant. I have had my period recently and haven't done anything to get pregnant since. I'm more amused at that than offended. :)
No, I just had a while where I was weak willed and gained and then struggled not to gain. I have the same problem with people offering me food. I am so afraid to offend but then I hate eating any food.
Lately, I think I have been losing weight. I have felt hungry every day, and since I can't really control it when they make me food and watch me eat it, I will stay up all night and sleep off the next day hungry, if I felt I have consumed over 1000 calories.
That's what I did today. I don't know how many calories I had yesterday, but I felt like it was way too much, and so I stayed up until maybe seven in the morning and I have been napping all day since. It is now 8 at night and I am hoping to not have to eat anything until after midnight where I might make myself a cup of noodles (300 calories).
I really feel like I am losing a lot, even though I am terrified that maybe I am not losing anything at all, or sometimes I feel like I am gaining. I haven't been able to weigh myself here at all which is frustrating and yet a relief at the same time. I am super hungry right now but have no interest in eating. My stomach looks flatter in the mirror and feels smaller under my hands when I am laying down. I think my jeans might even be looser. I can't wait to see how much progress I have made.

Monday, June 24, 2013

I had the rest of the pizza earlier and some orange white chocolate and I knew even as I was eating it how much I didn't want to but people were watching me. Actually, that's a lie. They watched me take the pizza back to the room but no one came back to actually see if I had eaten it. I should have stuffed it in the trash. I need to get better at throwing away food.
So now I feel sick, and fat and disgusting, and all of the last few days work seems pointless and wasted. I just hope that tomorrow I can get up and stay motivated all day and get right back on track. I hate the feeling of being full, or even just the feeling of not being empty. I want to be tiny, and that can't happen if I don't work to earn it.
This time I really feel like I am going to make progress.

Cheese pizza- 5 slices (300 calories each?)- 1500 calories
Chocolate- 6 pieces- about 250 calories (?)
Total for the day- 1750 calories

I went out for a fast paced walk twice, part of it uphill. That was about an hour and a half exercise total. I've seen different resources say different things. One hour of walking can burn between 100-250 calories. I am going to say I burned off 100 calories per half hour (hopefully).

Intake +1750
Exercise -300
Net calories 1450

I guess it won't make me gain five pounds but it feels like it.

I've been on that pro ana site watching the chat box and seeing all these girls say how little they are and how fat they think they are. Some of them really are bigger like me, but then there are those in the two digits and all I can do is wish so much to be them right now. Most of them never even started out my size and would commit suicide if they were. And yet I've been bigger. It really makes me feel like I am never going to get anywhere. If I had to go into recovery and was forced to gain twenty pounds and I was then 125, I would recover a happier person. How is it, I wonder, that I got the short end of the stick there? But I guess I didn't. Nobody made me eat all of that food or gain all of that weight. When I was several inches shorter than I am now (I'm currently about 5'6) and age fifteen, I was maybe 140 pounds tops. And that was just naturally while developing. That is still about 20 pounds less than how much I weigh now.
I wish I hadn't let myself go. I remember even then my aunt had told me I could stand to lose 15-20 pounds. I used to lay in bed at night and do at least 100 sit ups because more than anything, I just wanted a flat stomach. I know I can't turn back time or take away things that already happened, but if I ever get into a position where I am so small again, I will remember my regret, and never let myself go so that I have to feel it again.
I need to be little by Christmas again. I don't know what it is about the winter time that makes it so easy for me to starve myself into a little bony nothing. I was smaller last winter, and as spring came, I gained it all back. But I maintained at around 140 and sometimes lower for several months.
I KNOW I can get back to where I was. And I know I can do it fast, and start achieving my goals soon. I want to fit into those clothes again. I want D to worry about me again, and to feel my bones and have that look on his face. I want him to know something is wrong but as much as I tell him, he never seems to understand, but he did for a bit then. I don't care if it is realistic or not, or if it is wrong, and I don't care that maybe I am beautiful just the way I am. It's the only way I can feel like I am accomplishing something. It is the only way that I can feel motivated and work hard, and become perfect. I crave that perfection like Romeo and Juliet craved their other half once they were gone. It feels too much a part of myself to give up, even if it effects my whole life, which I have no doubt it will. Even if I was given a huge opportunity if I only recovered, I think I would still choose to pursue this path.
It is an unhealthy obsession, and an addiction, but I refuse to give it up. And I know I am not the only person who feels this way.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

I've been doing a lot better lately, and a lot worse. I've fallen into a state of depression in which I can convince myself that I would rather die than have a home any longer. I know I won't die from it but I still want to starve myself into a tiny little thing.
I was stuck at 160.4 and then I just kind of snapped. I walked for several hours that night and decided not to eat anymore. I didn't sleep that night but I stayed up until the next night and in that time I consumed less than 600 calories. I was 159.2 the next morning.
Yesterday I came back to the apartment and only had 600 calories, and then before going to sleep around noon today, I had a cup of noodles for 300. I thought I was going to be up all day though. The old man bought me cheese pizza and I would hate to not show I was grateful so I ate three pieces just now, but managed to throw away the last part of the last piece. I still feel gross though. It was a large pizza so I think it was more like 900 calories!
I have been feeling so hungry the last few days and loving it. I have felt light headed, and very dizzy which I missed so much and I am determined to get that back for today. So, I will not be eating the rest of the day.
I'm also going to try and renew myself as a person. I want to be the person I once was. I hate who I have become. I am not a selfish person, and it doesn't suit me well.
Anyways, I just thought I would update.
I hope everyone is doing better than I am. :)

Friday, June 14, 2013

When I weighed last night with my brand new scale, I was 163.4 pounds. That is after all of the eating, and still wearing jeans and a heavy shirt. This morning, I weighed before eating to find that I was 160.0 pounds. My clothes weigh about two pounds so last night after eating I wasn't really that much more than today, but I am still going to consider it a successful loss.
I can only say, it could be so much worse.
To think, my low weight is about 135. How far I have fallen...
I can make it back though. I know I can.
I had a massive panic attack earlier, so I am not feeling well at all. I woke up and my throat was all torn up. It's a good reason not to snack on salty foods today.
I hope I can be under 160 by tomorrow. I want to be heading down through the numbers as fast as I did before.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I'm not going to get a home as soon as I thought. I was lied to. My bf does not keep track of his money well enough.
I hate being the way I am. But I would love to change and so I will.
I am excited to be hungry again. I am excited to feel my bones again. I am excited to become tiny and precious and fragile. I am excited to feel beautiful again.
My new goal is short term. When I finally get my scale, which has arrived at my parents house, I want to be under 160. I can't much control that number, but I can control the next one. I want to be down five pounds by Sunday June the 23rd. That gives me ten days.
If all else fails, I would love to be 135 by my birthday at the end of October.

135 days to lose about 25 pounds
So, as long as I lose at least one pound every 5.4 days, I will be able to reach my goal.
Now, I am going to go do some jumping jacks, which can burn about 100 calories per 10 minutes.
I am so ready for this.
I binged all day today to over 2000 calories. I will find it in myself to forgive myself if I can reach hunger before I go to bed. And then I want to stay hungry.
I just need to find motivation.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

On Monday I got in this big fight with D about how I feel like he never spends enough time with me. His mom woke him up around seven that morning and kept him working for her until some time in the afternoon, when he planned to spend the rest of the day at his friends. Monday is his first day off of the week, and Wednesday is the second. He told me that he worked so hard for his mom so that he would get all of Wednesday just for me and him. I don't understand why he has to work so hard, or why his mother gets a say as to spending time with me at all.
So I came to stay here at my parent's house. My uncle and grandpa came to help with siding the house and getting it ready to sell so mom offered them the room I am staying in. I have to leave today and D knew that.
He didn't show up. I came up with all of these scenarios in my head, called his house to ask his mom where he was, and guess who picked up? He did. He sounded pretty happy and told me that his dad made him help him fix the hot tub. He had told his dad that he was going to spend the day with me and his dad told him that he couldn't, and had to help him out. It is five in the afternoon, and D was supposed to eat dinner real quick and come get me. It's been an hour and a half. I am not sure if I can deal with such blatant disrespect from everyone anymore. It sucks.
If I were him, and my dad told me that I couldn't go see my bf, I would tell him to fuck off because it's my life, and I would put my bf first for once. No one deserves to be treated this way. I'm not sure if I want to deal with it anymore. I don't want to be there, but I can't be here either. My only other option is going back to the apartment to sleep in the same room as my ex. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I have no options.
All I can say for now is that I am feeling very hurtful, withdrawn, and self destructive. I don't want to argue with D again because I know it won't make any difference. He can never see past himself. I am done trying to communicate with someone who does not want to communicate. He can come to me when he is ready to be a real couple. Otherwise, this- US- will never work out.
I just binged a ton. I hadn't eaten anything all day and then I went shopping and found out where D was and what was going on and I ate half of everything. I feel disgusting. I am also so bored I could rip out my organs. I know that sounds morbid.
On another note, my family is moving in a month or two. My mom made an offer on a house in another state and it was accepted so they have a house. The offer was $293,000.
I know this is self defeating but I really hate my life right now. Nothing seems to be able to go right.

Monday, June 10, 2013

It's been five days since I posted. I ordered a brand new digital scale and it should arrive at my parent's house this week sometime. I am still at my bf's house. I think I am fatter.
That's really all I have to share but I thought I would at least update everyone.
My plan is delayed a bit but that's okay. My main goals aren't really for summer. I never go outside in the sun anyways. I guess I can get a new swimsuit next year...

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I am sitting here at 4:30 in the morning. I laid in bed for hours and just couldn't sleep. I was too hot or too cold or had too much energy. In the morning, 11 a.m. to be exact, I have a doctor's appointment. I am going to ask about support to get on disability. This is making me anxious.
When I called to make the appointment, the receptionist sounded so surprised when I mentioned disability that I felt like she was laughing at me. She probably took one look at how old I was and inwardly figured I was an idiot. Almost half of the people who go on disability do it for a psychiatric disorder (mental disorder) though. I wonder if anyone even knows that...
My history should say it all. After freshman year in high school I could no longer hold it together and my grades plunged. I dropped out after two years of getting no credits. Last year I was in the hospital twice for attempted suicide. I overdosed on a bunch of pills at least 100 times or so all throughout my teenage years, hoping anything would get me out of life. It's pretty sad that I was that naive for that long.
I got really sick one of those times. I have taken probably at least 50 ibuprofen at once on two different occasions. I can't handle a job. I had a job for three months tops before I got fired but the manager was never satisfied with me anyways. I had several panic attacks and cried every day that I had that job. I spent at least a year sleeping next to my ex on a dirty mattress in a dirty apartment because I had nowhere else to go. I lived in a homeless shelter for maybe a week and I couldn't handle that either so I left.
I have a panic attack every time I think about getting a job and would rather die than get one again because it stresses me out so much. I cannot cope with everyday life. I can't even handle going to the grocery store without someone to go with me.
When I got tested for learning disorders and mental disorders, the doctor who did all of the tests gave me my results in paper, and it mentions if I were to ever go back to school I would need to ask specifically for help and I shouldn't take more than two classes at a time or I won't be able to handle it.
I have bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, math fluency disorder, cognitive disorder NOS.
I think all of this should be plenty of reason to go on disability. I need more help than I can get where I am, and hopefully disability can help me. I am hoping it can give me the tools to move on with my life, and maybe one day go to college and be successful. But as I see it now, I am not going anywhere.
People hate me when I am suicidal. They believe I can control it. They believe that it is attention seeking. For some reason, no one can believe that someone so pathetic and hurtful to others as a person who wants to take their own life, could possibly have no control over their wish to do so.
I hate telling people when I feel like I want to kill myself. Everyone always says that I should let them know, but when I do, they grow very angry with me and tell me things like, "Just stop."
My ex-boyfriend used to tell me that suicide is stupid. Somehow to him, wanting to take my life made me stupid.
For those who don't know, bipolar is like this.
Manic depression, also known as bipolar disorder, is classified as a type of affective disorder or mood disorder that goes beyond the day's ordinary ups and downs, and is a serious medical condition and important health concern in this country. Manic depression is characterized by periodic episodes of extreme elation, elevated mood, or irritability (also called mania) countered by periodic, classic depressive symptoms.
Depression is a mood disorder that involves a child's body, mood, and thoughts. It can affect and disrupt eating, sleeping, or thinking patterns, and is not the same as being unhappy or in a "blue" mood, nor is it a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. Children with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better.

My mom told me the other day that my grandpa (who recently passed away) used to be her uncles greatest supporter. He has bipolar disorder too. They were brothers if anyone didn't make that connection. Her uncle would call his brother, and my grandpa would drive out to help. He would make sure there was nothing dangerous in the bedroom, and would put a chair outside the door and sit out there all night, just to make sure he didn't hurt himself. Learning this, I miss my grandpa even more.
I wish there could be someone out there like that who could help me. I often feel so alone that I feel as if I could disappear and it would never be noticed. I feel like whatever I leave behind or bring to other people is a negative thing. I feel that, if I ever disappeared, it would be said of me how selfish I was for leaving, or for hurting those around me. I feel as if no one could ever just love me for me and try and understand. It amazes me how selfish my grandpa was.
If someone could just love me enough to sit outside my door all night, to make sure I was alright when I feel that life could not be worth it. But here, if my boyfriend offered that, I would only feel guilty that I had kept him up all night. Then, I would be afraid that his parents would be angry with me for keeping him up all night. I understand that people have lives to live. I understand that D has to work and therefore has to sleep. I feel that no matter what, I am not an important enough reason for anyone to sacrifice anything for. I feel like a pain and a nuisance. I feel that I am worth nothing. I have no reason to live and nothing to look forward to. I cannot cope with life, and so what kind of life can I possible have? I cannot be successful if I cannot even cope with each day and each moment as it comes.
I am tired of being homeless, and hopeless. I am tired of having no place to call my own. It has been two years now with no privacy, no quality of life, and each day I am just getting by financially and emotionally. I feel that I am doing my best, and yet it is not good enough. I only hope that someday I can show to others how selfless I work to be, and someday be as selfless as my grandfather.