I feel a kind of sick that most people will never understand.
It's like you are so sad and depressed and just gone from the world that your heart is literally in pain, like a million rocks are being thrown at it at once. You can't breathe because if you do, reality will stab you through the heart. You want it to stop so badly that you need to think of a million ways to die. You try and cause yourself so much pain on the outside that it distracts you from the pain on the inside, but it's never deep enough. The relief is so small and lasts only a moment, but it's all you need to get through another night.
It feels so nice because I finally feel like me again- like I'm at home because I am so far into my own head that it blocks out the world. I am finally home. I haven't been home in years, but I am finally home.