Sunday, December 23, 2012

I hope this works for everyone.
I made this as a sort of present for everyone.
Merry Christmas!
I never realized D was such a mama's boy. It sucks.
I had an ear infection the other day, a really bad one and had to go to the doctor's. It was so painful I was crying. I didn't even take any pain medication for several hours because I didn't think about it. My mom wanted my dad to take me and my dad was busy and wanted D to take me. Thank goodness at least he did or I would have had to walk 3 1/2 miles or to the bus stop in the snow, in the cold, with an ear infection that made the entire side of my face feel like it had been smashed in with a rock. Not fun.
But his mom called to ask him what he was doing and so on and so forth. We hung out after work and she called at least 3 or four more times, each time asking where he was and what he was doing... I always feel like complete shit when I hear her always angry voice over the phone, controlling her son, and making me feel like I am taking him away from her or doing something to hurt him. And she does is every time. Everything is controlled by his mom. Where he goes, what he does... The day he left me at my parent's house, it was because she wanted him to help shovel snow.
He picks her over me every time. I can't just make him choose between me and his own mother though, so I told him maybe we should break up. But we didn't. More empty promises, more empty words and stupidity.
He asked the old man if he could stay over last night and the old man said yes, so I asked him if he was going to call his mom. He thought he was supposed to say no. Well, he lives there and I couldn't just have him not come back without telling her. She would wait up for him. So I told him there was a difference between calling her because he was being a mama's boy, and calling her to let her know something important. Like, that he wasn't dead or something.
So he called her, but then I found out he had asked her to call him in the morning to make sure he got up for work. I told K in front of him and asked her if she thought that was okay in a very pointed way. I don't care that I made him mad and inappropriately humiliated him. The prick deserved it. It is SOOOOO wrong to ask your mom for a wake up call when you are sleeping over at your girlfriend's house. NOT COOL.
This boy needs to grow up.
Half the time I feel like I am only determined to stay with him because on paper he sounds so perfect. Opens doors, is willing to support me, loves kids and wants a family, wants a house with pets, wants to help me fulfill my dreams... He's caring and thoughtful and considerate... Not very smart but I would hate for him to be smarter than me to be honest. I have had more than enough of men who won't listen to anything I say because they think they know better than me.
I know that I have loved him at times, but the feeling seems to come and go, and flicker like the fragile little flame at the tip of a candle. The more he acts like a grown up, the better I feel towards him. But there is also that sexual side of him that he is so attached to that just makes me feel sick to be honest. He says he understands and respects that I want to wait for marriage to have sex, and I have that standard set in my mind so firmly that I am not sure I could ever get carried away. I have slept in the same bed as him and messed around with him probably at least a hundred times now, and never gotten close. He said he now values the same thing for himself but then all he has to do is get extremely turned on, (a common occurrence to my disappointment), and he wants it and says he wants it. And I have either become comfortable enough with him to let me have a little more freedom with my body, upper half only, or I just give up on trying to make him do things my way. I am tired of so much.
I find myself missing H a lot more now. He told me through text a while ago that he felt the apartment was too quiet without me. He admitted ashamedly to having dirty dreams about me but I know it's only human. The few days every once in a while when we are both here at the apartment together he treats me so nicely and so sweetly that I feel sad that I gave up on him so soon. I mean, I know I could never go back to him unless me and D were completely over, but I could never leave D for H.
What I miss isn't even H's love, but his mannerisms  He was never afraid to stand up for himself or the people he cared about the most. When he had your back, you knew you were safe. He always knew what to say when I was depressed and cried. Even now, I end up breaking down on him and not D. D never knows what to say. His hugs feel uncomfortable. But H still feels like home and he always tells me that things will turn out okay and that everything will be alright. He tells me that things will get better no matter how many times I protest. He won't take no for an answer that way. H always knew when I was lying about eating and tried to get me to eat. D just lets me starve. I tell him when I am not eating and it's almost like he has to remember to make an effort to be worried about it. He never even tries to ask me to eat. Not even one try. D never gets things. He forgets things I say to do or not to do. I hate to say it but he is really stupid. H always got those things though. He was supportive and always pushed me to talk when he knew I really wanted to but tried pushing him away. He knew when to let things go and when to push them.
I'm sorry if this is confusing, all the D's and H's.
I'm not in any real pain over H, but I do miss him. I still love him, but it's kind of in a soft, sad way. The way one always feels about the memory of their first love. The first one never really leaves your heart. I have no plans or desires to get back with H though. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe let me put it this way. Before H was ever my boyfriend, he was my best friend. Even when we were dating, and now after all this time of being apart, he just feels like my best friend. He's the one I want to worry about me, and carry me when I'm too weak to walk, and feed me when I am so sad that I can't eat. But it's D I am with.
Last night next to D, I actually started crying because I didn't want to do Christmas anymore. D knew because of the way I was curled up under the blanket that something was wrong, but I don't think he knew I was crying. They were silent tears but they flooded out. He just said he didn't know what to do, and then asked if there was anything to do and I shook my head because I didn't know what to tell him. And I feel asleep unsatisfied. Even now, I don't care to be near him for a while. I told him I wasn't going to spend Christmas with him. I don't want to. I might see him Christmas eve, and maybe Christmas afternoon or night, but the desire or care just isn't there.
As of this morning I am 137.8 pounds. It's just not good enough. I walked for hours yesterday and only ate when my meds made me feel like I was going to throw up. I have to take antibiotics three times a day, and I take pain killers with those, and then I take the ADHD meds twice a day. I always gag when I swallow them, especially because the antibiotics are like horse pills. It's nasty. But at least I am not binge eating anymore. Today I had one pop tart so far, and some potato salad. I think I have a fever...