Saturday, December 15, 2012

How did my followers get to thirty... I can't remember if it was like that before or not... *fail*.
I have been away way too long..
So I guess I was at or around 130 for a while. At least on D's scale. Yes we are still together.
I weighed myself when I woke up some time after midnight this morning, and I am 140.1 Pounds. At least it isn't 145 I suppose. But I feel like I took a million steps back there. I was regularly in the 130's for a while. I have been at 140 for sooooo looooong!!!!!!!!!!! Agh. It sucks.
But, I am going to take my ADHD meds regularly now. It kills my appetite like nothing else. I took it this morning and I haven't eaten much since. When I start to feel like I could eat everything again, I can probably take another. Also, I have missed so many days that I went to get a refill on I think Monday, and I still haven't had to open the bottle. I still have some in my last bottle. But that's good. I have trouble with sleeping regularly which bothers me medication-wise, like, do I take two per day or two per period of being awake? But I decided it needs to be two a day. Then I can sleep whenever and keep my appetite gone. Hopefully.
I have had a cream soda, which is liquid so I won't really count the calories, and I have been sipping a coca cola vanilla zero for a few hours now, and I am snacking on mint patties a little bit. They are 30 calories per I believe, and I have had I think seven now? That means I've had 210 calories so far. That is perfectly fine with me.
Because of how much I have been binge eating lately, my metabolism should be doing pretty good so I figure as long as my calories are below 1,000 for the day, I should lose. But I hope I have so much less than that. If I snack on more mints, let's say 13 more to make it a total of 20, then it's still only 600. That does seem like a lot actually... Oh well. We'll just see how the day goes.
So in other news, the pack of cigarettes I bought ages ago and put in my purse? I smoked my first one a few weeks ago last time I was at this apartment instead of D's house. It wasn't bad... It's a secret I have been able to keep which makes me feel safer, and I haven't smoked any since, so I know it won't be an addiction. I might do it again next time I need a little more of my destructive side. It creeps up now and again.
There was the issue of smoke smell, but I said I talked to a girl in the park and she blew it all over me and made it another one of my little stories before anyone could even ask. If need be, she will become something of an imaginary friend who I meet with in the park again to explain it. The cigarette wasn't enough to satiate my dark mood at the time so I remembered a scar a girl had once shown me in high school. She actually talked a little about self harming, although she didn't do it as often as I did, and she was a bit more on the wild side. She also did drugs, smoked regularly, had sex with her boyfriend all weekend every weekend, had been in jail, had done the whole starving and purging thing... just for a little background. She had a scar from a cigarette, a self made one I guess.
I found out that cigarettes burn lol.
I did actually put it out on my arm, which for those of you you don't know, they take a little twisting and dabbing to put out. They don't just snuff out after one touch. But anyways. I have self harmed in many ways over the years, and I can see this as just another one of them. Try not to be too alarmed with me...?
The burn didn't show up for a while and then it made one of those blister bubble thingies...
I naturally pick at scabs by the way. It's a compulsion. Some people may think it's gross, but then, how many people pick their noses and chew their nails and pick at pimples? Anyone who is grossed out by that should probably learn to realize that life isn't always prim and proper and people aren't perfect nor do they always have every clean habit out there... Anyways. Always with the random tangents...
So yeah, there is a nice sized scab there. Not pretty to look at... but oh well.
I hope everyone else is enjoying this Christmas season more than I am. I am just purely stressed out about it. I don't have a home to decorate and I can't even keep the things I bought everyone for presents, or the things I bought to make presents out of- here with me at the apartment.
I don't know what to do about it... : /
Love you all. I hope you all can lose a little this season too. <3