Thursday, December 13, 2012
Alright so... I might be back on blogger now but I'm not really sure. My problem before was that it was inconvenient more than anything to actually get on and still have privacy. My computer can be a pain but it does start up and it does have privacy. It just sucks to have to open it up in my lap on a moldy mattress on the floor. I have been at D's house for way too long. It's been more than a week I think. Maybe more like two.
He is letting me borrow his tablet for home. I downloaded lots of games and hooked it up to my accounts and all kinds of things. I downloaded a few of my favorite mangas and I can always read those if internet stops working there. The tablet is as easy to get on as pushing a button. Literally. For those of you who don't know, this thing is basically the size of a good book but flat, and it has fast access to internet and I can download apps onto it. It's a little mobile device I can use to count and keep track of my calories and keep myself occupied between those- I'm hoping FEW calories.
So I am actually posting off of the tablet right now for the first time.
I am so stressed out about the holidays. I gained ten or fifteen pounds back. The scale here takes away five pounds but the scale at the doctors office seems to say that the other scale is more accurate. So, I am about 145 pounds again. I was at 130! How could I have let myself go?!
I wanted to be 120 by new years and I could have done it. But I still want to believe that I can do it.
I don't have the time or the money or the energy to make or get presents for everyone this Christmas season. A friend of mine who I used to talk to online all the time pointed something out to me sort of last time I talked to him. I asked if he was looking forward to Christmas this year and he said no. He said, I'm old enough now to know to feel bad when others give me presents and I haven't got anything for them. And he was right.
It takes the joy out of Christmas at least for me.
For years I saw Christmas as this beacon of hope. I always felt that somehow Christmas could make things better, that it really was that magical time of year. I still wish and hope, but I know I will just be disappointed like I am every year. So my only goal for myself this year is to be Skinner. All of my private memories of the seasons passed when I successfully lost weight and lived safely in my own little world are swarming over me and I just want that back so bad. The idea of Christmas being over haunts me because I will feel like I do every year. That I wasted my time when I could have been doing so much. And the idea of summer makes me want to puke. I want away from all of that forever. I hate sumer. I hate the heat. But then, I hate a lot of things.
Maybe right now I am just scared but I don't really care for any idea of what is mentally healthy right now. If we can't be normal human beings with normal emotions the kinds we actually feel with then what are we? People who are perfect are monsters because they cannot feel correctly. I like me the way I am in my head. It's just my body that I want to look better to reflect what I really am. A fat girl can have a great personality but no one will ever look past her fat to find it.