Saturday, October 13, 2012

I ate too much today, but I am less devastated than yesterday.
I won't make excuses for last night.
Every time I am like that, it is because I am feeling trapped.
I die on the inside when hope of leaving, leaves me.
I may not be moving out this month, or this year, but I feel that D will get me out. And when I let myself dream I get life put back in me. With D, I can dream.
I watched August Rush today. I wanted to play music again so badly that I started to cry.
I am still at D's for some strange reason. His parents somehow agreed to another night. I am a little less anxious because I have a little space from him, but not any less confused. I can pace the living room if I like.
He has gone to bed early to be up to go to work very early. He gets to open.
Just talking and imagining the possibilities of my life with him has really opened me up. As it is said in August Rush, I feel like I have been dead all these years, and now suddenly I am alive again. I am waking up from a long, deep slumber.
If I have to, I will be able to survive that apartment for the winter. At least now I have someone to dream with. I want to have animals of all kinds. I want trinkets and objects, art supplies and to draw. I want to write. I want to sing. I want to play music. I want to have my things and my clothes. I want to have my own room, and a clean place to be in. I want a home. When I believe that I will have these things, I become alive. I am so filled with life sometimes. But when hope fails me and dreams seem empty, I have nothing to live for. These things are what I want to live for. For once in my life I feel like I want to create instead of destroy.
Beyond all of this, I am dreaming of things I would like to do. I would love to have a bakery where I can create all manner of tasty things to eat. I would love to help people and take care of animals. I don't know what direction life will take me, but fantasizing of a far future like this is very unlike me. I think it is the medication...
But anyways. As I said, I ate way too much today. I am sure I have had over 2000 calories at least, if not 2 times that. I will gain. But I cannot weigh myself here. I need to lose weight badly. Even if I am feeling some life, I hate having food in me. Even feeling somewhat happy, I need to be tiny. I have lost my appetite though and my binge food of kit-kats are running out. I have maybe two left. I will be able to eat very little tomorrow hopefully, because I am sick of eating. It feels better to starve. It makes everything better. I am itching to be tiny like nothing else...
I don't know what I got on here to say. perhaps just writing was the feeling I needed to pursue. I don't know.
I just want to be skinny. I want the fail-safe feeling of losing a lot at a time. It makes me feel that I can reach my goal of being underweight, so that I am easily able to just let go of life if I need to. Then I am in fate's hands.
Then, I won't have to try something drastic like taking pills or anything super dangerous that would put me in the hospital and be scary and painful, I could just slip away. I have no such delusion that it will feel good or be painless, but this is my dream anyways.

Just A Little Bird

I may just be
A little bird
But I need life
And I need hope

Put me in a cage
And I will sing
But my voice will die
And I will bleed

I'll sit there
Perched, upon a bar
Not a rose
Not a flower
Surrounded by metal
Mined from rocks
When what I want
Are less sticks and stones

If I could dream
I'd tell stories
But I just chirp a tune
That you can't understand

You can't feel me
Or hear my words
Your touch is less
And less each day
Interest fades
And then I am just a bird
A little bird
In a cage

I used to live
And then I was put in a cage.
I used to sing,
And then my voice died.
I tried to dream,
But soon I could not sleep.
I used to breathe,
But now I gasp.
I want out.
I want out of this cage.

A cat comes out
To play one day
Fear is there
But escape may be

And suddenly I live
Live for the thrill
To escape
While being chased

My time is running out
I'm running away
But then the cat
Is late one day
And those dreams,
Those dreams,
They fade away.

But a taste is a taste
So I still dream
I dream these dreams
Of life and hope

Colors bright
And creatures bold
The future light
The dreams get old

I hope
To be crushed
I live
To be dying
I sing
To be ignored
I care
To be neglected
I am free
To be caged.

Oh, this cage of mine.
Someday, someday
I will fly away
And be free.