Friday, October 12, 2012

I can't go to bed. I need any release just to feel that I am not dying. I am terrified to go to bed and just let it go. I ate so much. I worked so hard to get where I am, and it's all wasted because of one day of stuffing my face. I am so tired of having to hope. With my mental issues, if I tried to get a full time job I would break down and it would never work. I KNOW this. I am not just saying never because I am trying to be dramatic. How am I ever supposed to get out without anyone else's help? How am I ever supposed to have independence? I'm not. This is pure torture.
I don't need encouragement or support. I don't want any.
I am writing this all for me this time. I just... Don't know what to do. I am dying on the inside from the fear of tomorrow, the fear of the next day, the fear of talking to someone. I am afraid to talk to anyone.
My mom is adopting a new baby boy this week and it feels so wrong to me. I am not sure how to accept this. I am hurt that she would not cosign the application for the apartment or let my dad do it because they don't want to jeopardize their credit score. She told me my dad was getting a promotion and would be able to afford it, if for any reason one of us lost our job and couldn't pay rent. Then I called her again, yesterday I guess, and she said she had talked about it with my dad, and she just said that even with his promotion they would not be able to pay rent for us if one of us lost our jobs. I asked if she trusted me and she said trust wasn't the issue, and that we couldn't control losing a job anyways, so trusting us didn't matter. The thing is, she is adopting some stranger's baby and paying thousands on it, and my dad makes AT LEAST $60,000 a year, but they can't afford to pay nothing but just sign a paper for me to escape from my Hell. It kills me that my mom can just act like that. I do not feel like she portrays the real love of a mother for her first daughter, or for a daughter at all. I don't want to talk to her, I am so hurt. I am tired of all of it. D's parents won't co-sign either.
This is not going to happen. I am stuck in those apartments with my ex and his family. I am fucked. I do not want to have another winter like last one and they are constantly getting worse and worse as years go by. I can't do last year again. If I try to kill myself, I will either succeed or suffer. I will not tell anyone what I am doing this time so I can't be taken to the ER and made to puke up meds that never would have any affect on me anyways. How humiliating. The entire thing was humiliating. I cannot stand the look on a nurse's face as she tells me it would never have worked, or asked me why I would do a stupid thing like that. I seriously want to die and they treat me like a little child who wants attention from mommy and daddy. I hate the shame of failing to kill yourself. It is the worst feeling in the world. If you are depressed enough to REALLY want to die, you can't be pathetic enough to fail at it. I can still remember their looks from back at the beginning of the year when it happened...
I am so tired of my mom though. I am tired of that whole family that is related by blood to me. It makes me so sick to my stomach. She has no feelings but for herself. Now that she has a new baby in her life to coddle and get attention from, now that she can feel young again because she has a newborn child, even the youngest of my blood siblings will get pushed aside. I hate my life. I hate their lives for them. I hate the fact that money comes before anything else. It doesn't matter if I need help, if I am dying on the inside and starving on the outside. That becomes my fault. I chose to do it to myself. Because I can choose to make my own choices, any mistake I make or way I think, any incorrect aspect of my life becomes my own fault. She can only be held responsible for the good parts of me I guess, but I am dying because she will not even take credit for those. I do not exist to her anymore. I never really did, but now, out of sight, out of mind. The only time she has called in months was to tell me that she had a new baby to dote on. For some reason becoming an adult meant that I had to learn and grow and be supported fully by myself. I get NOTHING from her. She can't give it.
I told D I would not cut tonight. I'm not sure I can hold to it but I am afraid that he will be angry with me. He said he would be. My only vice, one that he likes and one that he himself has experienced, is blocked off to me for the chance that the one person who treats me like I matter, will get angry at me.
DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE ON THE INSIDE EVERY DAY??? I know I am not the only one, but I am more than dying. I am going down fast. I CAN'T gain. I CAN'T get fat. I CAN'T do life anymore.
I don't want to do this anymore... I am going to try and sleep but I know that my dreams will be haunted. I am terrified of tomorrow. I wonder if I will be able to even get out of bed...
I have no reason to live. D is becoming a stress instead of a vacation. He has passed into another area of people in my head, and the place he left is empty. I really have no reason to live, and what reasons anyone can find for me seem worthless to me. This outweighs it all. Please don't tell me how worried you are. As soon as I take my meds and post next I will make this sound like an episode anyways. I just wanted, needed, to express my feelings of helplessness and pain for no other reason than to delay going to bed. Goodnight.
I just want to be skinny.
I was watching a documentary that followed a few girls in a rehab facility for people with eating disorders, and the girl I associated with myself the most ended up being the one who in the end, made the least progress and left and lost it all again. The one who could not be helped. I find it scary and yet invigorating. I can't get it out of my head.

These are just links to a certain part of it. Skip to the end of the first one to see what is going on, and it continues on in the second video. It's shockingly painful but feels so true.

I don't want help, and I don't care to live really or I wouldn't be doing this. It sucks but that is the truth of it.
I don't care if I can't stop and keep going until I waste away to nothing. It sounds more honest than saying I just want to be thin anyways. It's an obsession that I use to cope with my issues, and I use it to feel like I am in control of even just one part of my life. I fucked that up today though.
I am posting right now because I feel very, very, very off.
I don't think I am going to be able to get into an apartment this year at all. D keeps reassuring me but it just never gets through. No one will co-sign for us. We only make about 1 and 1/2 of the rent for this perfect place that allows pets and is close enough to work and has a special offer of $200 deposit + $99 first month rent.
I hate my life.
I am at D's again, although I don't know why really. I'm not sure I really want to be here, but I don't want to be there either so I am in constant limbo. It just feels like I am escaping back and forth between several places that are both uncomfortable and scary.
I am getting more and more convinced towards D, but I wonder if I am just settling. Is it his gentle hands I am really feeling on my head? I wonder if I imagine it to be H's. I wonder if I am just shifting my emotional dependence to another person. Maybe I am just shifting my affections onto someone new. I feel like maybe, I can't feel secure without a guy and that is a problem. With no one to direct all my attentions to, I think I would be able to heal. Without someone to pick up the slack and be there for me all the time, I could learn self respect and independence. I am scared and tired.
I ate way too much today. I can't even count the number of calories I must have had. I had an enormous sandwich earlier after my meds and a cream soda. Then I have had kit-kats all day long. 70 calories each I believe, but I had way too many. I know that the cheeses I piled onto that sandwich were like, 70 to 80+ calories each and I had baby swiss, cheddar, pepper jack, pepper cheese, and a few other kinds. I had at least two of each, for some of them even more. I put mayo on it because there was no mustard, and then piled on lots of slices of chicken and pepperoni. The bread itself was at least 100+ calories per slice, which I had two of.
Then the kit-kats.
I was lucky enough to only be 141 point something this morning, without sleep. And even though I was dead exhausted this morning from not sleeping, I am so tightly wired that I can't sleep. I am wide awake, full of energy. I'm sitting down and my leg is doing that jumping thing that a lot of people do when they have ADHD- just subconsciously trying to rid the body of so much energy I guess.
D is waiting for me in the bed but I don't want to go.
I don't know what is going on with me anymore.
I had at least ten kit-kats. That is 700 calories. Add in a few more, the apple juice and the cream soda that I never count, the reeses that I knew I was snacking on before the sandwich, 110 each... The sandwich...
The sandwich must have been at least 1,000 calories on it's own...
I am so torn apart. I didn't even eat dinner. I just snacked all day long and now I am basically panicking, wondering if there is any possible way to burn it off before going to bed, but I know he will be waiting for me and if he hears me pacing his living room he will come and find me. Even if he falls asleep he will wake up later on and look for me. It's pointless. The walking would barely burn a few hundred at 2-3 hours anyways.
The math in all of this is killing me. I have been doing so terribly lately, but never this terrible. I am going to gain at least two pounds by tomorrow. I already know it. And I am trapped.
I'm not manic depressed or panicked about life, or going to do anything drastic but I wish desperately that I had the strength to do so.
My life is going nowhere. I am failing at getting to my goal. I am still a whole fucking 141+ pounds. I am running out of time. I need to be tiny. I need to be one last breath away from dying. I need to scare people, and yet I just want to be left alone. This life is horrible and it just keeps going. Nothing can make it stop. Nothing. Even if I did move out, there is nothing for me out there. I will always be depressed. Medications and psychologists can't cure this thing I have. I am tired of people telling me how much they want me to get better from an illness that cannot really be cured. There is no cure for depression, anxiety, eating disorders...
I cut today. I found the knife I had with teeth and I tore through my leg. The worst part is that D enjoyed watching it. I don't mind because it was exciting for me. I like to cut. It's dark and unhealthy but the cutting is nice. He wanted to see so I smiled, put my foot on the bed and just slashed it once against the side of my leg. The blood dripped very quickly down my leg into a mess. He helped me clean it up a little but he wanted to taste the blood. I don't feel that it's wrong either. I mean, more than anything I just wish that some shock would register on his face when I inflict a physical wound on myself, and that he would care enough to be concerned or at least tell me to stop. But he didn't. It was the same thing when I was talking about my eating disorder. He was excited about it, and I would even go as far as to say, he found it attractive, but when I told him that I was disappointed that he didn't care about it, he corrected all of that.
He said when he thought I was going to far he would say something. Wow. Encourage me to hold on to something that can kill me, until it is too late. Then what could he possibly say that would make me recover? He said he would pick me up and carry me to a hospital if he had to, and I asked for warning first. If it gets to that I am running. I am hitting the streets.
I have no dreams right now though except for being smaller...
Thank you Lilly Forever and thank you Rayya for the comments.
I am feeling okay. I got re-hydrated but my body just doesn't seem to hold onto water for very long at all. I need to remember to drink more liquids regularly and every day.
I'm not vegan right now.
And I'm not supposed to have dairy but thanks. I have dairy most of the time anyways even though I'm not supposed to so maybe I will go get some skim milk (they call it that here too I am pretty sure) and drink it with some kind of food that will soak it up some. I don't know.
I don't know if I am really gluten intolerant as the tests came back fine but maybe they were just checking for Celiac's and wouldn't have picked up anything less...?
All I know is that their tests always come back normal for me, and they haven't found anything wrong, even when I am eating perfectly normal, drink water and stay hydrated, and getting enough sleep. They can write it off to stress but I feel sick even with no stress and all of those healthy habits in place. I'm tired of testing though. It's starting to feel like I'm making it up or it's all in my head...
But I am not super depressed at the moment I don't think... I feel strange and my body hurts but I'm okay overall... Either that or I can't feel anything and I am mistaking it for happiness. But oh well. :)

Somehow this never got posted from a few days ago... I found it still as a draft. How disappointing...