Monday, October 8, 2012

To Alice May, who seems to be my new follower- Welcome!
Thank you for commenting. I realize that everyone has bad days and busy days and sometimes other kinds of days, and can't always comment but it is exciting when you do.
This is a reply to your comment I guess.
D is not my boyfriend and he says he doesn't have a crush, he just meant he likes her as a friend. We will see how that goes. Maybe read back a little farther to get the whole story on him? Even just a few days back of posts might help.
Thank you by the way. I do feel pretty mature. Sometimes people assume I am immature because I can act quite like a child at times and I am a bit slow, but my intelligence doesn't really emerge during first impressions. When people really get to know me they are somewhat surprised I suppose. Some people still can't shake that first impression of me...
I get anxious or shy and my voice goes up like a child, and then I have a nervous giggle, or I just seem quiet and standoffish. I am also very clumsy and all that and more contributes to this immature first image people have of me.
I am actually glad that he is honest with me.
Maybe letting go for a bit to learn to smile and laugh about something would be good for you though. It can be hard to just be silly every once in a while but life must go on and all of that.

On an unrelated note, I think my eating disorder is becoming worse, or maybe just becoming a disorder. I mean, I am used to hearing about how one will try to resist food for a long period of time, or even just for the day and failing. I haven't heard of anyone quite like me though. I'm not sure what to think of it. Does it mean I have a different kind of eating disorder? Does it just mean I am different? Or does it mean I don't really have an eating disorder? I'm not sure.
I do know some things though. Like somehow I have come to the point that when everyone is around me having treats and things, I want them less. I used to just go for it and stuff my face.
I also realized that I don't really resist food, I just don't want it.
My appetite is less and less all the time. Somehow, I think maybe I successfully convinced myself that I am not hungry, or don't want to eat food. At some point in my head, a switch was flipped. Instead of craving food, I have a hard time coming up with enough appetite, or maybe energy? Motivation? To actually get food down. It's effortless.
One other thing I know, I am losing weight at an increasingly fast rate. It used to take months to get through a set of tens. For example, 160's and 170's. I was in the 150's for a while, but not as long as the examples I just used. And I just got into the 140's and I am already almost out of them. It's exhilarating, but also sort of scary. When I hit my goal weight, I'm not sure if I am going to be able to stop. In fact, I am pretty sure that I won't stop. And I'm not sure why I would want to... That is me talking backed by a positive attitude, so it isn't even panicked or depressed me talking. It's strange. I'm not sure what to think about all of this, except that I feel so close to my goal weight and yet I can't get there fast enough...
I'm going now. Stay safe all of you please!
So as I promised, I am posting a continuation of the last post about D wanting to get an apartment that allows pets and why.
I am at D's house right now. Let me catch everyone up to this point.
The day before yesterday I had both H and his sister K hounding me about food the way they do.
For H, it is making food and then having me eat parts of it. He had chicken ball things and would put it on a fork and offer it to me and when I said no thanks, he tried to get me to eat them anyways. It got to the point where I had to open my mouth because I couldn't lean any farther back and he would have gotten the sticky outside stuff on my face. They were super high calorie I know. I don't know the exact number. He would also do that thing where he would ask me if I was hungry and I would say no, but he wouldn't listen.
He would say, "I'm going to make you something anyways. What do you want?"
"I don't want anything," I would reply.
"Do you want a cheeseburger? Cereal? A sandwich?" These are just examples. I would repeat that I'm not hungry or something and that I ate.
He would ask me when I ate, and if I paused or he could easily disprove my answer, he would choose something from the list of things he knows I like and make it for me. It's usually something of his or something that takes an effort to make. I can't just refuse food then.
Then of course, K and her ever constant mothering.
"You aren't eating enough."
"Have you eaten already?"
"I have this special... (insert any number of things here, last time it was something chocolate) Do you want some?"
"You are always dehydrated. I'm going to pour you some juice and then you will drink it."
"When was the last time you ate?"
The list goes on. She can actually get very bossy and intimidating if I even stop sipping my drink for too long. I don't really mind K too much besides that controlling thing. I was actually just texting her. I enjoy her company.
So yesterday morning after all of that, I gained about two pounds. I was about 142 pounds I think. D took me to work yesterday morning. I worked 11:30am to 3pm, and then 4pm to 8. He just worked 11:30-3. But he got really sick and was puking so he went home early even then. During my break I texted D to make sure he was okay and apologize for being somewhat mean that morning. I felt really guilty. I didn't do anything SUPER mean though. I was just grumpy and rude, maybe because I was stressed out about the day before and my weight gain. I told D during my break about what K and H had been doing the day before. I told him how much my appetite goes away when they try and control my eating or even just have anything to do with my eating habits. After break, someone bought several bags of candy and even the nicer manager was snacking on the different kinds, and was coming to the front where I was doing very little (it was a kind of slow day) and telling everyone there was food in the back, asking, "Does anyone want some candy?"
It's a Sunday so the manager who I usually have a bit of trouble with wasn't there. She is known to never work on Sundays. But everyone kept asking me if I wanted some, and then asking me why when I politely turned it down.
I would say, "I'm not really hungry."
One girl replied, "So? I'm not hungry and I'm having some."
I tried saying I don't like candy or don't have an appetite. I hate the attention they gave me for just turning down a treat. If I didn't have any appetite before then, I really had none after that.
When I got off I had already missed the last bus though. I had not even thought about it, but on Sundays the buses don't run as late. D couldn't leave his place yet and so I walked the three and a half miles home. Then he picked me up and brought me back here. The main reason I wanted to come over was because I really did not want to face H and K again for fear that they would do the same thing again. I knew D wouldn't. And he didn't.
Yesterday, I had a 400+ calorie cheeseburger, a Reese's cup at about 110 calories, and I ate the last of the pepper jack cheese. I have no idea how many calories all that was. I had some sherbet ice cream in little containers, 80 calories each that I brought over, along with my candy stashes and some cream soda and my new water bottles. D got us both one last night and I was eating it so slow it was ridiculous  I just didn't want to have anything to eat at all. I had maybe a few very tiny bits and then gave him the rest.
He is learning where my boundaries are now. Last night was better. He knew even before I emailed him telling me how I felt about all of that stuff that happened last time I was here that something was wrong, even though I was having a hard time even being able to make out something was wrong to myself. My wall keeps others from seeing how I am feeling, but it also stops me from seeing how I am feeling. But somehow he knew, he felt it, and had gotten very angry and upset with himself.
This is becoming a long post... Sorry about that but I have a lot to say all on the same subject.
So I sent him this extremely long email and I ended up just spilling out every thought and wrote like... A novel. I wrote him two novels. No not really but it was really long. I wrote it on the morning of the fifth, three days ago. It make him feel really bad but for once I was at least honest with myself and someone else. I was brutally honest. I made myself resist just making excuses to make everything okay again, which was really hard but I ended it with a kind of... Nice resolve.
The main part of the email was saying how hurt and troubled I was by when he had crossed the line last time I was here. I explained that sometimes I have a hard time saying no, because I feel like it is something to feel guilty for when I withhold other people from doing something that will make them happy. I never realized I had that problem until now. Anyways, I felt a lot better after I wrote the email and I forgave him, because I know he really is suffering the guilt and I know he really does feel bad and I guess regrets what he did. I feel that he is strong enough to move forward from that and learn to do better. Then I talked a lot about how I am not a sexual person, and how even though I have lost my virginity  I greatly regret it, and I don't want to have sex again until I am married. I talked about how I miss my innocence, and how, the things that make me happiest have nothing to do with sexual things. I talked about how I want a cleaner essence of living, and perhaps the reason I am so sick and depressed all the time is because I chose such a high standard for living and for how I want myself to be, that in this dying, sick world with so little people with any values or morals, it makes it extremely hard to maintain such a state of being. Towards the end I offered him something though.
I told him, if he got those tickets he said he would get us for a concert near the end of November, and found something warm and green, but not necessarily matching to go with my red dress, I would consider that a date. I made sure to specify that it was old school dating. One date would not mean we were girlfriend/boyfriend, or that we were "going out". It would be a date. And my first official one. H has never actually taken me on date, and besides him, I have only ever gone on friend dates, which I don't really count seeing as it was only as friends and I had no feelings for the other person.
I told him, until then, I don't want him to call me beautiful. I don't want to take credit for my beauty. I have no control over how I look and I did not create me. I do not like compliments or praise for things I did not earn. They literally just mean nothing to me most of the time. I would rather have someone tell me I am a hard worker or that I am mature than that I am beautiful.
I also told him that until then, he isn't allowed to say he loves me. I don't want to be told something and have to doubt it. For me, actions speak louder than words. Words don't seem to speak at all. One can easily say they love someone, but to prove it again and again is something else entirely. If he treats me right, I should feel that he loves me. I told him he needed to start using actions instead of words.
I was very depressed when he hadn't taken the time to even say hello to me. He couldn't find the time to talk to me for a few days and I was really hurt. When you have been through so much like I have, the thing you fear most is using too much of your heart and getting invested. If you don't get invested, you don't get hurt. I guess that is why my heart is so closed off now. I am too afraid to put myself out there for fear of the same thing happening again and again. I expect the same things to happen again and again, and because I know that I can only close myself off to prevent getting hurt when it does happen. This time I wasn't even ready for it. Having those few days feeling so alone...
It will happen again though. D will have to work several days in a row, or something else will happen... But it was such a deviating blow that was so unexpected, I guess it surprised me. One day I had a best friend who I could go to for anything and talk about my feelings and problems with, someone to keep me from feeling alone and then all of a sudden it was just gone.
Anyways. I think I got off track there.
I am really happy today. I came over here and we spent some time just talking and then we slept. I only got in a few hours but he was more aware of me and I was burning up all night for some reason but I was okay in the morning. He went to work, I allowed myself to stay another day by not going with him, and he just got back a few hours ago. I found his stash of Disney movies and it lightened my mood considerably too. I took my meds, ate some, but it was a safe amount. I feel like, being here, I will lose weight easily. He does not force me to eat anything. He worries, but as long as I eat one or two things every day I think he is more okay with it. I do that anyways so I'm not worried either.
But he has the whole basement to himself and a lot of nice things around so I can be comfortable. I like one of his chairs a lot. It has a rounded back and I just curl up in it.
To sum this all up, I am having a pretty good day. No anxieties. I am on a little vacation from life. He makes me feel very welcome and I can have things my way, whichever way makes me most comfortable. I would even go as far as to say that today I am happy. Smile everyone! :)
I have this to say about D right now. It's a slightly modified (to save privacy and things) part of an email I wrote to K from D's house, which is where I am at right now. I will explain that too so be patient.

D really wants to get an apartment that allows pets. I am thinking that I am a lot of the reason for this. He knows how much life animals give me. He says there is a limit on how many pets I can have (lol) but it's bigger than three I think. I was telling him that I wanted two big fish tanks and after seeing how passionate I was about it he really didn't argue. I will be saving up for those eventually. I want a salt water one because the fish are so beautiful, and I need a freshwater one anyways, because my plecostomus, named Dog, is getting way too big for my little tank. A plecostomus, or pleco for short, is the kind of fish you might see, say at a dentists office, sucking on the bottom or walls of a tank. Those things get huge! I want Dog to be happy so I want to get him a tank that he can swim, or suck, around comfortably.
I have talked about Princess (the black and white "tuxedo cat" that I have had since she was a kitten about five years ago) a lot so he knows how much I love her, and I think the main reason why an apartment that allows pets is so important to him now, is because he knows how badly I want to help her. I am always saying how I will get her treats because mom never did, and toys because she doesn't really have any, and how afraid I am to move her because she is an anxious cat, but the risks of her living there for too much longer seems, at least to me, a much greater risk than that of moving her and having her stay an inside cat. I have talked about using my own money to get her a check up and her shots, which I may have mentioned before. I don't mind if I don't get any new toys or anything with the money I will have to spend on myself, because I just want Princess to be healthy and as happy as can be. It is more exciting for me to be able to give her good toys so she can lose some weight and be fit and be able to play and actually have fun, and for her to have treats, than anything else money can buy. It also greatly excites me to think about being able to bring her to a vet and make sure she is healthy. D realizes some of the things like that, that give me life and wants to give that to me I guess.

(Little background on Princess, after my fuzzy main coon tabby cat named Taz died- he disappeared so I assume the coyotes in our back yard got him- many years ago, my parents promised me a new cat. Taz was paid for, from a shelter, Princess was a kitten I got with her mom from somebody at church. She was fixed. She was my baby. At some point I thought I was going to have to give her up earlier in the year, but because of the conditions she has to live in, I no longer see that happening. She was my greatest love and support through my school years and I would often lay my head on her and cry and she would let me. I love her more than I should really love a pet, which is why, she's really my baby. But anyways, she has not been to the vet since she was fixed years ago, and her shots were the kind my dad brought home from some kind of pet place and gave her himself. I guess it was cheaper that way. How often do those need to be renewed? I will have to make sure and check. They have her live in the disgusting garage, as I have ranted about before, and the dogs eat her food. At my parents house where I had to leave her, they basically kicked her out for the stray kitten they found and took in. They don't get along, and won't bother to try to get the two to get along so Princess hardly even comes into the house anymore, even at night when they call her in just to throw her in the garage with the dogs. I am afraid she will go wild and not come in anymore if I wait too long to collect her... So much for just a little background... x.x)

I also asked if, after Princess was settled in, if I could get her a kitten, mainly because I have felt for years that she might be happier with a companion, after all, you are supposed to have cats in at least two's right? So I have been thinking about that and I am pretty sure D agreed to that too. Besides that I am thinking I might get some other animals, maybe something small like a rat or a guinea pig, but that is far in the future and I know I will want more than that, and I think he will be okay with it as long as I know my own limits.
I told him I could even get some turtles if he likes, since he really likes those, and that seemed to please, him, although why it was me offering I really don't know. Why can't he get his own turtles? Maybe he just likes the way I care for animals so I would take care of them and they would be mine, but he could see them and help me with them and name them and that would please him enough? He seems to like watching me and letting me do things so maybe it's something like that? I don't know now...
So yes. This guy is really good for me. He has figured out some of the main things it takes to keep me happy, which is something H and many other people have never really been able to catch on to, including myself.
So that's what I have to say about all of that.

Sorry this post ended up so long. I will write another one afterwards on a bit of a different subject. :)
I ended up adding a lot of information so that everything was clear and precise, at least for me when I decide to come back and read it as I always do. I like reading old posts. You find things that you have forgotten about...