Thursday, October 4, 2012

Well today was a kind of crap day. I have been dehydrated all summer and today was just the worst of it yet. I woke up, went into the bathroom and dry heaved and then passed out on the floor for a good minute. I must have slammed my head on the doorknob or something because I have a dark red bruise right over my hair, just out of view thanks to my hairline. But it hurts if a breeze even touches it. Then I nearly passed out several time at work and was shaking like crazy. I was tired, and I started to lose my voice because my mouth was so dry. My lips were chapped as hell.
I did weigh in at 139 point something but with the way I have eaten today I will be back up in the 140's by morning. Thank goodness I at least get tomorrow off to recover fully.
After passing out I had only a few minutes to get ready for work and I had to rush to the bus stop. I had H feel my forehead just before I left and apparently even though I was sweating buckets my forehead was ice cold and my face was scary pale. I worked four hours and while everyone else was freezing, as I usually am, I was burning up. I finally got off work and it was already dark. It was also freezing. My computer says it's about 49 degrees F, but it might have easily been colder, and all I had to walk back in was my work pants and work t shirt  My fingers hurt so badly because they were so cold. I was shaking and chattering and everything on my way home. I am drinking lots of apple juice now because I can't get water down.
I am taking vitamin D now.
Also, my food card gets refilled tomorrow.
I'm not sure what else to say. I may just be feeling off because I am so sick from dehydration but I think some of it may have been that night I spent with D. I still feel sort of disturbed by it all, to the point where I can't even listen to music.
H is bothering me now. Why can't he sleep somewhere else???
I don't want to have to be quiet all night and tiptoe around him...
Sigh...
Hey guys, just to clarify, I have been trying to comment but for some reason it isn't sending. I'll have to figure out what's going on. It might just be this computer being glitchy lately or I might have accidentally changed my blogger settings or something, but please bear with me. There is so much I wanted to say to all of you. I am exhausted though and may not have a chance to post all day.
I hope all of you are okay, especially those of you who aren't posting.
D went to see another girl today. A friend he says. He says he doesn't even show up on her radar and that he does have a crush on her. But he says that the crush is a completely different thing from his love for me. I was a little sad earlier when he said he was with another girl but not really. It went away as soon as it came. I don't mind that he was with her I guess. It's good that they got back in contact with her too. Friends are good to have.
I have taken my medication but I am still feeling pretty depressed. It isn't panic attack depressed and it isn't destructive depressed, just a general low of energy where I don't feel like talking to people, but I am anyways. I am feeling tired of everything I guess. I'm not sure what it is. Loneliness maybe? It's something like that feeling of when I was sitting next to D and I was just in pain in my heart and didn't know why or what to do about it. It didn't have to do with him I don't think.
I think... I am feeling somewhat abused. Everything is just haunting and things feel off.
Anyways.
I had a thought today.
All those times H damaged me by telling me I was immature and needed to grow up? I have seen other people, girls especially at work who are 18 like me, and there is such an incredible gap between us... All that stuff he would say that would stay with me and pull me down has kind of been washed away.
My body may be 18 but I think my mind and heart are a little older. Do I seem 18 to you?
I am actually glad I am not like them though. The first word that comes to mind to describe them is superficial and I'm not sure exactly where to go after that. I have been through so much but I'm not sure if it's even just that...
By the way I don't think I will be eating the rest of the night but that could very well change.
I don't think I would ever be comfortable being happy anyways. All my life I have gotten used to depression and I like it in a way. But I am not sure why I am feeling so off...