Monday, September 10, 2012

I am working on a project right now.
I downloaded a video maker so I can now make thinspo videos for you guys.
I was thinking about how I would love to have a thinspo book again. You know, pages of pictures cut out from magazines and words scrawled in the spaces in marker to encourage one's self. I would like to have one but I do not have the privacy to keep something like that around. I know I had one when I lived at my parent's and I had it in a binder so I could always just be adding pages to it. And then I was thinking about all of my favorite thinspo pictures from online and how I can't print them out, and how I don't like doing thinspo pages online or on my blog as much because you can't put them wherever on the page and doodle or put words around it as you please. They all just kind of go in order and it doesn't have the same scrap book kind of feel to it. I have also been thinking about how on you tube, there aren't really very many thinspo videos, and maybe a handful that I could find on winter, which is okay now, but what about around Christmas time when I won't want to watch any regular ones? I dislike listening to normal music in the holiday season. It just bursts the holiday mood bubble for me.
YouTube is always finding thinspo videos too and taking them off, like it is any more offensive than so much of the other crap that people put on. Makes me frustrated.
Young people are totally going to recover from eating disorders, and no one will ever get them if you take thinspo videos off of YouTube. While I'm at it, no one will ever be able to find those pictures anywhere else either so we have it covered. *Sarcasm*
It's stupid.
But back to my project idea. I am taking thinspo pictures and using them in Paint, the program already on pretty much every computer. Then I am adding some color, and some words and making it something of a thinspo book, only in computer files. Then I am attaching it to a slide player that adds music, so I have something of a thinspo book video. I'm not sure if that made sense but I tried to explain.
So far, I am not sure exactly how to go at it, and so the pages are really simple with only a sentence or two on them and one or two pictures. Then I just color the background sometimes or add little stars or lines in different colors. I am calling the first one I do the first chapter of my book because I like things to be organised and in order. It's a work in progress or however that saying goes.
I am having trouble though because I'm not sure which pictures to use safely, which really the only way to do it safely is to ask permission from every one of the pictures creators or subjects... It seems like that would get me nowhere. So I am just trying to use pictures that are mostly already used and associated with thinspo or don't have watermarks on them. Also, trying not to say or show anything that might get the video deleted off of YouTube when I upload it is a challenge. I might just try and upload it directly to the blog. I really don't know...
But anyways.
I just thought I should let you guys know what I am working on so you have something to look forward too. If I ever get the hang of it enough in the future, perhaps I will accept requests for songs or themes.
Love you guys.
Keep working hard.
Okay I was wrong. H is talking to someone on rift. Everyone else here is unhappy about it because he is laughing loud and talking loud like there is no one there but him and this girl.
The old man has to work tomorrow and he has a hard time sleeping. K is going to bed right behind him. I have work in the morning but I am so sick and stressed out from listening to this for so long, that I have just decided to stay up all night. It will throw me for another panic attack when H finally decides to go to bed. He can sleep whenever he damn well wants to. He has no regard for anyone else.
I mean, he almost never gets off of his dad's computer now. The old man just retreats to the living room and watches TV and naps and H is on that computer from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He has a headset now so no one can hear what the other people are saying, just what he says too them very loudly. He pretends to not be able to hear through the head phones but we all know he can and just chooses to ignore us, even though he can text whoever it is he is texting, probably his wife, while playing the game. He stops for five minutes here and there throughout the day to make food and then eats it at the computer most of the time. He never ever goes outside. Never gets exercise except for going up and down the stairs when he goes to his brother's to play games... No wonder he's a disgusting, fat, hairy, smelly person. K says when she walked past him earlier she nearly threw up right there from the smell. I can believe it. About a week and a half ago my lungs decided they would no longer take in full breaths. I am thinking maybe because his smell is making me literally sick. Is that possible? I never would have believed it before now. Can an obnoxious smell in one's life consistently make them have lung problems? I don't know.
I have dealt with this for too long, and I have a feeling I am not going to get out of this situation for a very long time. Which makes me wonder if D has some guns, and if he would teach me to shoot with them...
I feel dead and emotionless lately. At work half the life seems to have gone out of me, even though that is where I am the happiest. I have put both my emails, and my Facebook on invisible so that no one will message me. When I am around other people I avoid eye contact and don't talk unless prompted and have to. I don't feel anything. When I do let myself feel, I just feel an intense drive of misery to do something awful. I have considered moving in with several people, including the bench at the park and my parents.
No one can make me feel this way but myself you say? Then come live my life.
My appetite is suppressed. Anything I want to eat has gluten or dairy in it. There are no good fresh fruit. Strawberries from the store always taste like crap, just a heads up.
I had a sandwich this morning with just one slice of the gluten free bread and some sliced pickles and mustard. Then I had cereal but I had a hard time eating it all. My stomach didn't want anymore and I was starting to feel sickened by the food I was eating, but this morning I was even in binge mode. Usually it will stay that way all day. This time it didn't. I took my food card to the gas station which has everything. I was looking for something like chips to binge on. Pringles have gluten in them. Not cool. I was looking at natural chips and left a bag backwards and the store person called at me across the store to turn it back around. I was already in a bad mood so I grabbed the tea for H and did my purchase and left. Went back twice after that, never for me.
If I can't even have good food, why have food? I mean, I have all that money on the food card and I don't even feel like getting myself something to eat.
So even though I was convinced I was going to overdo the calories today, I am at maybe, 600. I am way overestimating the cereal as always. I poured in too much milk and then kept on adding cereal to soak it up, since I dislike drinking lactose free milk with cereal bits in it. I dislike lactose free milk taste on it's own actually. So I estimate the cereal at 500 because the milk has calories too.
The sandwich I estimated at 100 calories. I couldn't remember how many calories the gluten free bread was... But nothing else on it had calories and I only had one piece of bread so... yeah.
All together if I actually knew how many calories I had, it would probably actually add up to under 500.
So I guess I might be on another weight loss streak. Fun. Whatever.
I weighed in around 145 something I guess it would be yesterday morning now, since it is early morning of the 10th.
I got my paycheck and it was about $50 so I will just go and put it in the bank sometime soon. I have work every morning for three days and on the fourth in the afternoon. So I will be working several days in a row. Before this may have stressed me out, but I think I am... excited? I really can't tell through this emotionless fog. That isn't what I am stressed out about though. I do know that.
I have a ride to work for a few days so I just need a bus pass for Thursday and I will probably put it off but who cares and oh well. I have cash for a bus pass or two I think. Plenty of change in my purse anyways.
Hm. Is this Friday the old man's birthday? I need to remember that though. And my phone card expires this week. I texted what's his name about it I know so it should be taken care of. I just don't know what time he will want to meet up. I might just pay for it myself...
H is on the phone in the other room with the two people I hate most in the world. That would be miss size three and her husband. I think just miss size three right now. It is making me want to panic.
He is talking about living with them and all this other stuff. I don't care if he leaves but I don't want to be stuck in his old room with his fucking family while he has the time of his fucking life with his two best friends. Says a lot about his character that his two best friends are a bitch and an asshole. Scratch that. They are both the most vile contemptible human beings alive. All three of them can get in a car crash and die.
Is he talking about me now? Shit.
I have work in the morning but I slept all day so I don't know if I want to sleep and the way he is riling me up I doubt I will be able to sleep anytime soon, even if he stopped laughing and chatting like he's in love with the both of them. Makes me sick. Like seriously. I am eyeing the bathroom right now.
I hate this. I don't want to do this anymore. What a sick bastard.
At first I thought he was talking to his "Wifey" as he refers to her in text. Maybe he is actually talking on the game to all of them. I will walk by and check on my way to the toilet.
This is really stressing me out...