Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Hm. I think my appetite is coming back.
H is being a pain. No I do not want gluten free cereal thank you very much. But he's like, I'll get you some anyways. And then he got mad when I pushed it. I don't want cereal right now. Sigh. Hopefully he will leave me alone again now. It wasn't even an argument, just him being edgy when I refused something he wanted to do nice for me. Stupid.
My appetite came back before all of that though, so it doesn't have to do with my mood.
He also just asked me if I wanted a hug. No.
Do you want company? No.
Do you want anything? No.
Why can't he leave me alone?!
I do feel sort of depressed. I was doing fine for a while. Maybe I ate something I wasn't supposed to and it set me off... But I know I didn't.
The old man took one of my two onions from home. Home grown onions are not the same as store bought and I hate that he took it. I only have $200 for food this month. He has his own job with up to 40 hours a week, a disability paycheck, and K has already said she would get him food off of her food card. He also took one of my tomatoes. I hate when he takes my food. I hate it. And I can't face him about it because it is stupid. He gets to do whatever he wants because it's his apartment. The old man doesn't want me to pay rent anymore. That, to me, is a sign that I am out soon. He's trying to be nice, but as soon as I make a big enough mistake I am out. The rent was keeping me grounded here.
I don't think I will be able to get my own apartment. Low income apartment programs have long waiting lists. There is no way to move out any time soon with my income. The waiting list is years long. Seriously. By then I would have a better job and my own place at normal rent, or be on the streets or dead. Screw that.
I don't want to be enthusiastic at the moment. Things just feel like crap.
That blanket he gave me, its his. As soon as we were broken up he took it back. I was so attached to that blanket. He gave it to me, and now it never happened. That makes me mad. It's stupid, but it makes me mad.
I hate all of this.
Hey guys, my food card got refilled today. I just checked and hour ago and I got $200 to spend on food this month. I will try and make it last.
I went to the store and had every opportunity to get everything unhealthy. Nothing was stopping me from getting something sweet, even if it had gluten in it. But I didn't.
I got some gluten free bread at 80-90 calories per slice I think.
Then I got a head of iceberg lettuce, sliced zero calorie pickles, a tiny can of black olives, sliced...
I don't know how many calories those are but I can check...
And I got a large thing of apple cider because it had a few less calories than the regular apple juice and the first ingredient was actually water, which means it had more water than any other ingredient, and I need more water. I won't be counting calories when it comes to the apple cider though.
Perhaps it was around 110 per serving, 8 servings, but it won't be all gone in a day, probably not even two or three. I shared some with K anyways and will continue to share it. I can't go by the $7 a day plan since I already spent more than that on supplies I can't get during the night. But I brought them home and don't plan on touching them until after dark. It's weird, but I can't get myself to eat any more or my parent's delicious little tomatoes, even though they are super low calorie. I still feel like I would be eating too much.
I am looking forward to my sandwich for later though. It should be a total of under 300 calories, and it will fill me up. That is two pieces of the gluten free bread, which should be most of the calories, and some of all of my vegetables, which I am sure cannot add up to very much. I mean, pickles and mustard are basically no calories. Lettuce I think is maybe 5 calories for a leaf. Tomato, 15 calories. Onion, let's say 10 calories tops, and that's if I put two slices on it. The olives... they sound like they might be a bit more calories but let's say that and whatever else that goes on will take up the remainder.
So for today's total, we'll say 200 for the cider, 400 in meals. That is 600 calories total for the day.
If I eat something after that, it's okay. I am allowed. If not, good.
But I mean, I need to fix my metabolism a little bit more if I want to keep losing significant amounts. I hope 600 isn't too much over whatever I ate yesterday or the day before. If I go up slowly, then my weight won't go up and I can fix my metabolism hopefully.
Anyways, this is my plan. 400 in food may not be enough I suppose, but let's just see how things go.
Sorry that was a lot of numbers...
Thank you to The Lovely Bones, Emma Phoenix, and Rayya for commenting lately. I really enjoy them and they brighten up my day quite a bit. I am being pretty enthusiastic lately and it is helping. Also, the suggestion to do an anime character my sister likes for her birthday is a good one. I might just do that for real. It still has to do with what picture I can use though, and what manga she is interested in at moment...
I am still keeping the $100 shopping spree in as an option, but I may not have the money for it...
Emma Phoenix, I am not sure this size six is the same size as a regular size six you find in the store. I end up with a ton of each size and some are way too small and some are way too big and it's confusing. I am not sure I believe I am in a real size six lol. So I am under the impression that I am still in size 8 but who knows. Maybe I am in shock from fitting into it...
Thanks, all of you!
And Rayya, I really miss hearing from you!
Love you all!
This morning I weighed in at 144.5 pounds.
I have lost about a pound and a half in the last two days. It is going to slow down remarkably I think.
H came back late last night and woke me up, but I fell right back asleep so it was fine. He's trying to be really playful and I guess it's called flirting, but I don't really care either way. I may be succeeding in making him feel like a friend to me. I don't hate him or dislike him and I don't love him or like him. I like it when he is gone because then I have a little more freedom, but otherwise I am pretty neutral.
I decided I needed to have breakfast today. I had one small tomato sliced up, and some organic chips. The tomato was about 16 calories I found out. The chips I counted out to be 80 calories. So my total calories so far is 96- under 100 calorie breakfast. The chips taste really nice with these delicious tomatoes...
I stopped by my parent's house yesterday and got some vegetables from their garden. I got tomatoes. Then my mom gave me a giant bag of potatoes, but sadly not the delicious home grown ones. I got two of the garden grown onions, which are probably the tastiest onions ever. Then she let me take some of her canned peaches, since peaches are my favorite, and a jar of her homemade salsa, also canned, and made from all natural vegetables, probably mostly from our garden from previous years. Last year's batch wasn't very spicy but it still tastes good. It's like, a ton of chopped up, home grown vegetables in a watery solution that picked up juices from all of them, and it tastes really good, and is really healthy.
I need to check to see whether my food card is refilled, because I would love to go to the store and get some gluten free bread to put my vegetables on. The bread tastes good to me, it doesn't taste quite like normal bread because the texture is wrong, but it tastes healthy which is especially appealing to me right now. They are small bread pieces, maybe the size of my palm, with low calories. Hopefully I can make a small sandwich with just vegetables and have it as one meal. It should fill me up and be minimum calories.
On another subject, I wore my jeans to bed like I usually do, because pajamas take up too much room here and I don't have many anyways, and my size ten jeans were way too big. They were only slightly loose yesterday but I woke up and was drowning in them. So I looked for another pair of jeans, checked the size, put it on... It was slightly snug, but not tight to the pound that I felt it would rip when I sat down, or cut off my ability to circulate blood. This pair of pants was a size six. SIX.
I am so proud of myself it's ridiculous.
Hope everyone is doing well!