Tuesday, September 4, 2012

My little sister turns 16 in February.
That is an important birthday, and she is important anyways and I want to do something special, or at least get her something special. She dreams to become a great artist too so I think it rubs her the wrong way when I try to show her my art, which I honestly do not mind. Anyone else, maybe. Her? Let her dream. Drawing isn't my dream anyways.
I am thinking a painting might be acceptable though. I think she is only new at painting and might feel closer to drawing anyways. I have always felt it was different anyways. I just have a hard time finishing paintings. My only finished painting took me three whole days. It was the bears on a sled painting I did for the old man for Christmas last year, and then I was burned out. So time is an issue...
I did promise her a $100 shopping spree at the mall when I got a job but I do kind of have a low income... I think I will start a jar for her. I have September, October, November, December, January, and then almost two weeks of February. That is what, five months? I need to save up $20 a month then. It is her dream. Any girl who has never had a job and never been blessed in the money department at her age... It would be a dream come true for her. I like it.
Any other idea? Please throw them my way. She does not have a lot of friends and is on depression and ADD meds. In fact, I should say she really has no friends after they all did that awful thing to her a few years ago... She considers me her bestie, and I know I just repeated myself, but I am so proud, or I guess honored? Anyways. Always been overweight and tall. She was over 200 last time I checked but going on down. She has never had tons of cute clothes like me, where I just collect them from friends and thrift stores somehow... My mom always got her huge flowery clothes in my mom's fashion, perhaps to cover the weight? Idk. She has a new found addiction to female things, which is interesting because it came on so suddenly with puberty. She had never really been very girly. Loves shoes and chocolate, probably addicted to it so I won't indulge that...
She is very head strong, knows what she wants out of life. Always changing what she want's to be when she grows up. She is also very sensitive towards men. Like, to an extreme. Maybe some of this is my fault, because I have always spoken like a sexist, which maybe I can be at times. I think it will be okay though. She is so fragile and special to me I want to protect her from everything, more so than anyone else in the family lately. She is strong, but underneath it all she is so, so fragile.
I know she could never get an eating disorder. She will never start counting calories, she just eats when she is hungry and tries to eat healthier foods more lately and exercise some which is great.
I am explaining all of this by the way, so that you guys can get a better sense of who she is. I want to explain her because she is so special to me.
We used to argue a ton and I used to be one of her bullies in middle school, maybe as far back as elementary school. I was awful. It took years, and I always felt like she would never trust me or treat me like a sister anymore. I had to earn everything she gives me now. I had to earn her trust, her forgiveness, and her friendship and love. I can't believe I had been so awful as to call her fat. I would make her cry so hard. I regret that. I was in an awful place too though, not that it's an excuse. It's so interesting, because now, as you all know me, or if you don't yet, I have the softest, most gentle heart of anyone. I couldn't hurt a fly or I would feel guilty. She calls it chronic niceness or something.
Anyways, as I was saying, she is very fragile. She is sensitive when it comes to her emotions but she is not easily pushed into things or influenced. She has her standards about her and they are immovable.
She has not been able to like any guys for so long. They would all bully her. She would feel as if they could never see her because she was fat. She literally felt that no once could treat her normally because of her weight. I say weight, not looks, because she looks really good even as heavy as she is. She has a good bone structure, and no matter what number on the scale, she has a great hourglass figure. Mine isn't quite the same. Her hair us unmanageable at times, always thick, brown and tangled. She has very, very thick brown hair that is always frizzy and curly.
She has a crush on a boy from church but is too scared to even mention a name. She will always be admiring him from afar. I'm not sure she can put herself out there for a guy ever. She has been hurt so much in the past. A random boy once ran past her in the hallway in middle school and called her a fat ass.
Everyone bullies her. She is bullied badly at school sometimes. She has already grown to be socially cut off. She doesn't like doing things in a group, even with just her sisters. She hardly comes out of her room. She completely submerges herself in books and mangas. She escapes.
Her temper is adorable. She stomps and screams and acts like a child and it's funny. I have gotten her to learn to laugh at herself in that state which makes things much less intense for her. Sometimes she rants about things and uses a big word only mispronounces it so it's another word, which makes the entire sentence just funny. She says she finally understands why I was so rebellious when I was her age, and says she has taken over my position in the house. I have reason to believe my other sisters might be saying mean things to her. I know one of the twins can be really brutal to everyone.
She realizes why I am uncomfortable around our dad and does the same kind of act. I am nicer to him now and let him hug me and say "I love you" back. We use those words and lots of hugs a lot in this house. She still runs when he offers a hug and generally acts like any act of affection is too uncool for her.
Last time I went home, she was the only one to stick around and hang out with me as much as she could. She evenly let me sit in her lap since she is bigger now. It was for a good amount of time and I was afraid I would hurt her legs but she didn't ever complain or make me get off.
One time I went home very upset, this was months ago, and I came int he front door and just burst out crying and she was on the couch laying down, reading. She had me climb into her lap and held me, let me curl up and cry on her shoulder. She actually comforted me. She never used to be so intimate. Now she will let me have hugs and sit close. I am also the only one she is happy to let into my room. I am so proud of how much she has accomplished. She is stronger than me I think. She may be stronger than I will ever be.
Anyways, sorry to get all teary and talk so much about her. She is just a lovely person. I was wrong to try and explain her. I could never capture what she is in words.
I hope you guys don't mind this post too much. I am missing her a lot lately. I have a very hard time going over there, and I am not allowed to have anyone over here. That is one of the main reasons why I want my own apartment. I want my girls' nights with my sisters back...
Sorry again for the... well, I am sure this isn't fun to read, so if you got to the end I would be amazed. I'm done now.
So, I am 5 foot 6 inches now I think. That's what the nurse said but she used her hand to level the top of my head against the measuring thing, so I can never be too sure. I think I am at least an inch taller though. I have noticed because K says I seem taller and I don't remember being this much taller than her.
At 5' 6" and 146 pounds at last weight in, my BMI would be 23.6
Now remember-

Underweight=    18.5 and below
Normal weight= 18.5- 24.9
Overweight=      25- 29.9
Obese=             30 and greater

Here is a link to a BMI calculator for you guys in case you don't know how to calculate it yourself. I can't remember at present the formula but I wrote it down in a notebook last year I think, and besides, it isn't an easy formula to calculate. I used a calculator once and charted every single pound down to 96 pounds from 200, listing the BMI and outlining the areas where I slipped into a new category. It was very neat... As In organized looking I mean. Here's the link:
http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

The weight I became normal weight at-
154 pounds. So all along I was within normal range. Comforting, but at the same time, I didn't feel normal weight.

The weight I become underweight at-
114.5 pounds. That is actually reassuring. It means I can hit my goal weight for January first 2013, New Years Day, without looking underweight hopefully. I mean, they can complain about me losing weight, but as long as I am within a normal range, I have control I hope. I just hope no one who loves me freaks out too much... I mean, my little sister, whom I absolutely adore, told me she believes I can get to 120 by then. She doesn't think it is unrealistic. Her goal is more like 150 and I support her fully. She considers me her best, and most of the time, only friend.
Which reminds me... Check out my next post. I am doing all of this thinking in sections, so as not to bore the hell outta anyone. I have a hard time following long posts, but maybe too many is hard to follow too? Oh well. This blog is more for me than anyone else. It's like therapy to me, but I would be so sad if no one commented or followed... I am sharing a diary with everyone basically...
Enough rambling. Love you all!
Why am I finding it so easy to not eat? I don't know.
All I know, is no one usually gets past day two, three if they are lucky. This is just in my experience. Then they crave food like crazy and binge until their weight is back up. I am not sure when that will kick in for me, but I expect it will. Am I wrong about the two day thing? Please call me out if I'm wrong.
Anyways, I feel like the 140's is a somewhat permanent thing now. I think I might be able to lose a few more pounds before the food craving thing comes back.
I think my thing is, I am not telling myself to not eat. I am not struggling to control how much I eat. I can go and get food anytime I want. I keep telling myself, you don't have self control, you just don't have money and so you are starving. But there are a few things that make me wonder in this. For example, I have food right here next to the bed. It just requires fast preparation. Like I have ramen noodles, and three or four kinds of soups. The soups usually have dairy and noodles, which is gluten, but that never stopped me before. The ramen noodles are filling, and it would require water to make the broth. Water is good for me. I actually am dehydrated today too. But the noodles have gluten in them. But that never stopped me before either. I mean, you read my posts. Just about a week ago I made two packs of ramen noodles. And I haven't had the soup in long enough to be sick of it. Soup tastes good and is low in calories. Why don't I have some when I get hungry again tonight? When it gets to a point, I find I have to eat or throw up again. Throwing up that often would have the same effect of bulimia.
Even weirder, I haven't needed to look at thinspo pictures, or videos. I haven't been shut down by music. I am not even sure if I can feel much. I am not extremely depressed. I have no desire to attempt suicide or swallow too many pills to fix my problems. I have not had my anxiety meds since my last doctor's appointment. That was when? At least a week ago... I have to make a new appointment, they said two weeks after my latest one to check on my new meds. They are watching me on meds more carefully this time, which I am grateful.  I will have to schedule it when I can figure out my work schedule for whatever week that is. I might have been to the doctors on Friday. I know it was on a Friday, I just can't think whether it was this last one or earlier. I think this last one. I will wait three weeks unless I am finding serious complications from the med, that way my mom won't have to pay as much. They will weigh me again, but I am not too worried about that. I can either say I haven't had the money to, which might get by since it is mostly true, or I can say I have been so happy I forget to eat, which may be closer to the truth, or that I am working out a ton lately and I have a busy life. Either way, all I have to do is talk about being hungry and getting something fatty to eat afterwards, maybe pretend to drool over the thought of a hamburger and they will think nothing of it. I am within a healthy weight range now, though.
I am worried about hitting 120 and being too bony. I must admit, I do feel there is a point at which the body gets too skinny to look good at all. Think everyone's idea of anorexia skinny. I actually do not find that nice at all, I am sure most of you will agree it looks unhealthy. So I will see as I go. I am startled by the appearance of my bones so early on in my weight loss, so it is an uncertain thing for me how much I will lose, but my aim is 120. If I feel like I am fine before then, I will stop. If I feel like I could lose a little more, I will continue. Knowing that I am now a little taller though throws off my BMI.
I think my mood may be lightening up.Did I tell you guys I bought myself a new nail polish? I haven't in months so if I mentioned it recently that would be it. But I can't remember so I will recap. I was bored, waiting for D to get off of work and ended up getting it for about $2 or around there. It is a greenish blue, the kind you all know I am in love with. My phone does not take good pictures of it to capture the color so I can't post a pic. Since I can't do my finger nails, which are growing so fast and a bit thicker now, I decided to do my toenails. I shaped them better and the color is flimsy and requires a lot of coats. I didn't coat it a ton because I was impatient, but it did turn out a lovely ice blue with just the slightest shade of green in it if you look really closely. It felt nice to incorporate some color into my life. It stays on my toenails better than my fingernails anyways.
This is  long post so I will continue in another one. I wanted to talk about my new BMI's.
Ganbatte!
Slap to the face from high school life all of a sudden. I knew I shouldn't have put on that music. Any single song can completely send me back to a time, just like a smell or a TV show, or a movie... a book. It's ridiculous but I am feeling a bit dark and I took a shower last night but I feel disgusting. Yeah. I took a shower for the first time in forever. I hate baths now. Think of all the disgusting germs that I was just soaking in, germs from other people and things washed up from the drain like another giant hair ball. So gross.
I didn't sleep at all and it is 10:30 in the morning. Took my meds with a 50 calories rice cake, apple cinnamon flavored. Three or four nibbles in and I am staring this thing down, trying to figure out how to make myself eat it before I leave. Otherwise I might dry heave in the car, or pass out. Screw that.
Remember how this used to be my favorite song and then listening to it would send me into a panic attack? PTSD. He gave me PTSD from what he did to me at the beginning of the year. I don't even want him anymore. I want out. I want to mutilate my skin. I wish I had shaved my under arms and my legs. I feel so unclean and disgusting.
I want a job with long sleeves and winter all around so I can cut and shred my arms until there is no skin, just dripping, drying blood gushing out into bandages, helping me to cope and feel again, and to feel better. Maybe I just need the color. Maybe I need the pain so that my life will come back into focus.
I don't think I will ever not be fucked up. When I have no guy to chase after I am lost. What if I shift my emotions to someone I don't want to be with?
All I had last night after throwing up stomach bile was that potato and maybe two handfuls of sour cream and onion chips. I worry about how many calories that must be. Chips always throw me off. I hope I don't gain. Since I didn't sleep last night, I can't wake up and weigh myself. I have to wait until tomorrow. Today is going to be a bit rough. Especially if D, the guy from work who wants to help me can't keep his hands and fingers to himself. What is it with this guy and his obsession to feel every scar and bone he can see?!?!?!
Then he will ask me what's wrong, and if I am okay constantly. Everyone should know that I absolutely hate that. If I want to talk about something, nothing is stopping me. If I even trust someone enough to want them to know what is going on... Wait I can't think of anyone like that. Screw it.
And I can't find a large Tshirt of my own so I have to fucking wear H's to cover my shoulders and cleavage because I am sick of showing the world everything. The more he sees, the more he touches.
Oh. H is at R's again by the way. Since... oh day before yesterday.
But anyways, I hate when people bug me about my feelings. He will push it too, like he always does- D I mean. I don't mind if he takes lead but if he wants to tell me what to do and fucking man handle me and force me or even pressure me to do anything, including talking when I don't give a shit. He has another thing coming.
I'll stop now. I am obviously not in a pleasant mood. Everything hurts. I feel so sick right now, and since I have stopped eating much. But I don't care. The results as seen on the scale and my body are too great for me to cease. And I figured out why I don't look as much as I weigh. It's because I have a small waist but my butt and thighs, and around my hips are fat as shit. Also, I think maybe my hips are too wide to ever be as skinny as I like. Fuck it if I have "birthing hips" like K says I do. She can go to hell because she will never look like me the hag.
Out.