Monday, September 3, 2012

I was feeling so nauseous that I went into the bathroom and was dry heaving over the toilet. And then I threw up stomach acid. So I have to eat. I made up one of H's mashed potato things, and this kind is only 180 calories. I need to spread out my calories perhaps so I can still restrict but not get sick anymore. This has been going on for four days or so now and today it reached a point where I threw up so I should be careful.
I need to drink more water too, especially if I want acid bile taste out of my mouth and throat.
This is a post for Rayya and anyone else who has such a hard time with sweets.
I just thought I would provide some useful information. I know a little on this subject but not enough for my usual informational paragraph so I am going to do a little research now...

This is my experience.
I have found that lately, since I have been watching my food at least a little more closely in the past five days, my mood has improved. It is easier to find enthusiasm and motivation to do things, and when I go shopping, sugary sweets actually hold no appeal to me and I find myself craving vegetables and healthier foods.
Even when eating chips, the organic ones look tastier to me.

First thing. Sugar is basically a drug. It activates the same chemicals in your brain that ingesting heroin and morphine do. Not cool.
Sugar is addictive.
I found this on Wikipedia on the subject of sugar addiction.

On the subject of chocolate, it can actually help your brain release the chemical called serotonin into your body, which is the chemical that produces the emotion happiness. If used to make yourself happy it would almost be considered self medicating, and there is an actual withdrawal when you stop eating it sometimes.
People who are addicted to chocolate can have increased depression and anxiety.
This is my explanation of some of the finer points in the article here.

Now, obviously I am not an expert, but these sites show some good information. Anyone who is finding trouble with these things might benefit from doing a little research themselves. And I must say, if you are depressed, anxious, or have any kind of mood issue, you should really look into eating better.

Rayya, you are right. I should seriously consider cutting out gluten completely. I like my vegetables in sandwiches but there are low calorie breads specially made gluten free. Celiac's disease, or an intolerance to gluten, can in some cases actually cause bipolar disorder and things like that. I need to try and eat a little healthier...

I have read that if you stay away from chocolate for a number of days you can beat the cravings. I myself used to eat chocolate a lot, and I would feel awful without it and get some any time I could, which was at least once every week if not every day. I don't know how I stopped, but even now when I eat chocolate it hurts some of my teeth, so I don't eat it very much.
Perhaps I am just good at pushing my thoughts in a healthier direction and that's why I want vegetables and things more and more lately.

This article is pretty useful. It has information on how to overcome a chocolate addiction. It covers the whole thing, including, what are the symptoms and how it can be affecting your health.

I hope I helped someone out there!
K is back but H is not. I wonder if she will even notice I have lost some weight...
Probably not out loud if so.
But I know she bugs me when she thinks I am not eating so this might be a problem. H doesn't bug me anymore about it, but since I am going out with that friend who messaged me last night, to look for apartments tomorrow, I can always say I ate with him. I need to give him a letter. D for determined? That will work. Let's try and remember it now...
Okay so last night was weird but I am not in a mood to talk about it. The only thing I want to bring up is that this guy will never be a potential boyfriend because of a few very unappealing things he does, and I'm not interested at all. But he is determined to help me out so if he comes through for me, it would benefit me greatly to be his friend.
That said, last night I had a bag of chips. I can't remember whether it was 300 or 400 calories, but that's moot since I lost again. I think it was 300... But that is the only thing I ate.
I must say it is so hard to swallow my new med. It's too big. I have a hard time swallowing the tiny blue birth control ones without gagging as it is. I was thinking about eating a little something to make it go down better but felt that it would set off my chemicals and make me want to eat all day. I was going to go to my parent's house to do some laundry and I am going to call to ask if I still can, but my dad called earlier when I was sleeping in and I was just anxious as hell so I said never mind. I am not sure if I will be able to eat normally if I go there. Normally as in not eat all day. In fact, I am pretty sure if I went over to my parent's house I would eat whatever, and I am on a nice streak of weight loss so I don't want to screw it up.
Okay I'll stop stalling. Today I am 146.1 pounds. I would say that is an all time low weight. Yay!
What is that? A two pound weight loss again? Wow it is.
So, since the 29th of August, five days ago, when I weighed in after eating at 155.8 pounds, I have lost nearly ten pounds. Ten pounds in five days. I really turned it around, didn't I?
Well, now I will recalculate my progress for new years.
119 days until new years now.
26 pounds to lose.
119 divided by 26 is 4.577 about.
That means, in order to lose weight steadily until I reach my goal, I would have to lose one pound every four and a half days. I really changed that one. I am impressed by myself. Really I am.
My food card hasn't been refilled yet though. I am worried that I will push my calorie limit, even with just $7 a day. The weird thing is though, I went over to the gas station last night and got chips, but what I really wanted was one of the sandwiches there. And soda. I left and realized I should have gotten myself some kind of drink, even if it was more water based so that I could get better hydrated. Oh well. I just find it interesting that so many days without sweets like chocolate, and they don't have any appeal to me anymore. I mean, if I at something like that I would probably enjoy it, but looking through the isles trying to find something appetizing, I only want to eat healthier foods. I want a vegetable sandwich... With mushrooms, pickles, onions, green pepper, lettuce, and I love tomatoes...
Vegetables are a good amount of money so I could easily go low calorie if I decide to get some of that. But the vegetables are at the store that takes about half an hour or more to walk to and the same back. And I would need to get a loaf of bread then, and bread is a binge food for me. Also, I probably shouldn't have bread because if I am gluten intolerant, they could seriously affect my mood and my stomach would hurt a lot.
Hm. Oh well. I know I can use some self control.
Last night I am pretty sure those chips were gluten free... actually no. I should check next time I go over there. I thought they were one of the more healthy organic brands or something. I will check that too. I need to be eating healthier foods... And I am thinking that meat is so many calories I may just choose to stay away from it unless it is the flavoring in something that I can figure out the calories of. That would be safe.
Anyways, I've been rambling again...
I need to go flavor some water and cool it in the fridge for a while. I chugged the water I had last night which hurt my stomach. Oops. But it is a lot more pleasant to drink when it is flavored and cool.
Ganbatte!
H left for his brother's and now I am in panic mode.

Oh. What do you need of me love ask and you shall get

Eh nothing I just panicked and needed to tell someone that I did not feel okay. Never mind go back to bed.


I am here. I am always here for you.


I just have a hard time dealing with unexpected things and now I will be alone for who knows how long and I don't want to go home tomorrow at all.

My place is always open you know that. I am here for you. Unless you send me away. Or I get injured I will always be there for you


Yeah but you live so far away. I am out walking now. I fucking hate that place. I am going to get food. I just feel wild and destructive and I hate it.

If I came and picked you up would you feel alright here?

No.

What can I do for you love? The only way I know to deal with wild and destructive won't help here.

You should go to bed so you won't be tired when you have to work tomorrow. There is nothing you can do to help. I would just destroy you like I did my ex.

Really. Unless you hospitalize me you won't break me. I've been to absolute rock bottom before.

I don't know how to help me. If I did I would be like this in the first place. The only person I can ever trust to be 100% reliable is me.

I am here for you love. Always. Rain or shine. Day or night. If you call for me I will come. If you need my shoulder it is yours. If you need a bed you have mine. I am here for you. And I want to be there for you.

Destroying someone is easy. All you have to do is get to their heart. Make someone love you and on their insides they will break into a million pieces just by watching you in your own torment.

You think I would be that easy?

Maybe not. But in all the time it would take to do it I would like you more even just as a person and then I would be tormented more watching you suffer.

I wouldn't be that easy.

Getting you in bed would be easy. Then what if I got pregnant and decided it was just a fuck. Easy isn't the issue. What do you want me to do right now.

Pain is part of life. I live with it. Thrive with it. I have learned to enjoy it.

I haven't learned to like pain nor do I ever want to. You didn't answer my question.

Getting me to bed would be easy yes. If all you wanted was a fuck. That would be fine. If you got pregnant that would be amazing actually. If you wanted the child for yourself I wouldn't stop you. I would want to be in their life. But I wouldn't stop you. Me, I want you to feel better. If that means chewing on me then so be it. I am here for you thick and thin. Good and bad. Rough and smooth.

But what do I do right now. I'm going to be up all night whether I want to be or not just pacing with my fingers and toes numb from the cold.

My suggestion if to curl up with someone you trust. Right now I want to go to you. Wrap you up in a blanket and tell you it's going to be okay. To keep you warm even if I get cold.

My phone is dying and I don't want to go back to plug it in. I don't want to cuddle. I don't want to go to your place. I wouldn't mind seeing you but you need to sleep for work today.

I know I do, unfortunately if I came to you, you would need to come to my place so I could sleep. I want nothing more than to see you right now. I want to hear your voice. I'm rambling so I need to stop before I say something stupid

Go to bed.

Night love. Talk to you tomorrow. If you need me to come in early tell me.

I've had my heart broken by more than one person and I'm brittle. H wasn't my first love. I'm warning you I may never return your feelings for me.

That's okay. Remember I am used to my feelings not being returned.

Get me out of here soon please. I want someone to help me and tell me what to do sometimes. I don't want to be here. That is the first thing you can do for me.

I will help you. I will get you out of there. I swear on my honor I will
I will get you out of there as soon as I can. I want to move you in for your safety. I want to be there for you. And well if you really wanted me to I could decide things for you. Tuesday we are going to hit the pavement to get you an apartment.

I really thought since he attempted suicide in the navy when his fiance lost their baby and left him for someone else it would do something more than that...
I have no clue what I am doing with all of this but I had to store it somewhere so I could come back and figure out what was going on but now I am too tired. His is the green text and mine should be white.
Comment please! 
It's a few hours until bed time and I am considering just not eating for the day because I really don't want to, but if I don't eat anything today my metabolism will screw me over when someone forces me to eat or I decide to eat a little something in the future. I mean, I can't survive without food. Eventually I would die. But there has to be a balance where I can still have an okay metabolism to lose weight daily but still survive. I will try and find something small in calories...
Hopefully if I get out of control and eat too much, it won't be enough to make me maintain, or worse, gain, by morning.
I am afraid at this point, even 400-600 calories could make me gain. It's happened before. I do need to eat something.
Sigh. All I have had today is water. I will update on what happens later on.
Maybe I should consider maintaining and then introducing food back so that my metabolism will come back and I will be able to lose well again, from the point that I am at.
I am somewhat proud of myself though. I have proved to myself that I am good enough and that I can succeed. I don't need to prove anything to anyone but myself, and then anyone who is concerned one way or another can either fall in step behind, beside, or away from me. That's how life works anyways. You can't make everyone like you although it would be nice.
I think I may actually be wearing a pair of size 10's that I was uncomfortable in before...
I think I have a smaller size of jeans in my drawer. I am going to try that on soon.
Work did not go well but I need to keep my enthusiasm about me...
Gambatte! (Go for it! Try your best!)