Friday, August 31, 2012

That is the number when you divide 123 (the number of days until new years) by 32 (the pounds I need to lose). This means, that every 3.8 days I need to lose one pound. If I lose another two pounds in three days, I have changed that to exactly every four days. When I lose more than one pound in 3.8 days, my amount of days raises, giving me a better chance to succeed. Suddenly this looks easy...
I need to be under 150 soon. I am excited again. I actually am. When I started gaining and hit mid 150's I was so discouraged, but now I have the heart to try again, and try harder.
I am making a lot of progress actually.
I was walking in the mall earlier and found a shop that sells the kind of skirt I need for my dream outfit- in every color and design. It was gorgeous.
Walking through there and seeing all of these brand new, never been worn clothes that would never fit me on tiny manikins... inspirational. I felt myself thinking, I'm going to be that small. When I am that small...
It's set in my head. New years cannot hit without me losing a significant amount of weight. I think a day away from H, looking at me in the future may have been just what I need. I have been off lately as I am sure everyone has noticed. My mood finally changed halfway through that last post. I will get there. I am even allowing myself some time to just post to all of you and speak my thoughts. It's good for me...
I will not take back the mean things I said about me though lol. They don't really sink in much anyways but I feel it pushed me farther than everything is okay and sunny. It wasn't really helping me at all. I felt like it was okay almost to make mistakes and so I worried less about making them and sometimes purposely let go of all rules and everything. And then I felt like crap.
I will be right back and make me a new thinspo post!!!
I have just lost two followers. It hurts but oh well. Not everyone is going to like me.
I have been harsh to myself lately. I feel like I am not being hard enough on myself. Oh I just ate a million calories, I am still smiling and excited for tomorrow! Just isn't working for me anymore. I don't feel like that is appropriate when I feel like shit so much. I had a long day. I finally got my meds for ADHD but I have to work tomorrow morning. It's going to suck because I can't sleep. Then I hung out with guy from work. It was very odd and I won't explain because if I do I might just end up with several comments telling me to stay away from him. I guess he indulges me enough that I don't feel the need to cut him off as a friends yet. He respects my personal space most of the time. That is all I really ask for in a friends.
I don't want to deal with H anymore. I haven;t argued with him in several days. If he says something I want to reply to in an unhappy tone, I don't answer. I could say many things that irritate me to him but he likely already knows and it takes two to fight so if I say nothing, there can't be a fight.
Guy from work didn't get off of work soon enough to check out more than two apartments. One was a set rate far too high, the other was already closed. But then why did I hang out with him all day. I just want to be alone. At least I got some exercise in for the day. I walked until I was tired and my ribs and my foot hurt... that should be a few calories burned off.
Weighed in at 152.1 pounds today. I am wondering how I am doing that though... I don't remember how much I moved around yesterday but I ate a shit ton of food.
I am so disgusting. Everyone thinks I have a kids face. As in it is round and fat.
I look like a child.
I am getting bitter.
I knew living with H would take something away from my character. I am no longer really me anymore.
I had about 1000 calories today and I feel full. All I ate was cookies but I didn't eat them all thank god. I am stressed as hell. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't feel like anything can go right. I am cracking down harder on my eating though. I don't want to be managing my eating disorder but I know I am right in the very middle right now. I have been having myself eat healthier for months now and every once in a while I lose a few pounds and keep it off and that is how I have gotten so hard. I don't want to eat normal though. Not until I am skinny, but that is what we all say isn't it?
It's tiring. Recovering has less to do with eating and more to do with fixing the broken image of yourself in your head. It is learning to love your faults and that no one is perfect. It is about gaining confidence and regaining your positive self image, and a lot of other mind healthy ideas. I don't want to. It's stupid, but there is no one I want to be healthy for, so I feel like I am just making myself get better for the idea that someone might like me all of a sudden if I was normal. But that isn't how it works.
I don't want to sacrifice what I want for nothing.
I can't deny that this eating thing is killing me, but it feels like it is feeding me when everything else is done taking it's toll. Everything else is so crappy, I just want to try to do one thing good so that I have at least that.
My dear sister and the guy from work, though of less importance in my life, have both told me that I can lose thirty pounds by new years. They both believe that I can get to 120 pounds.
I can't let life shatter my dreams. I will try and have more enthusiasm, but if I do feel like crap I will say so.
I am pleased with my last few days of progress.
I mathed out, that to evenly use the $200 I will receive for this next month for food, I can spend about $7 a day every day and have four dollars left over at the end of the month. Since food is never exactly $7, then of course that is an estimate. But if I have a limit per day, I will never need to go and buy everything at once, and then it will encourage me to walk out and get my food. Walking is good.
Therefore, if I am smart with my calories, I only need to consume 1000 calories TOPS per day, which either way you put it is a loss- a good loss- in weight. When that bottoms out, I am sure I will be pushed to lower the amount to do better. Also on any given day I can easily just decide to not eat, and sometimes I will succeed. If some of that money per day is spent getting a drink, even better. I can get a drink and one snack with a small amount of calories, or really even if it's super calorie rich than it is still only once snack. That way, instead of constantly craving everything to eat at once, I will be allowing myself one treat per day to satiate my cravings. When I feel like I will never be able to have something again, I want it even more and it can be my downfall. This is true for most of you I know. The main thing here is learning to control myself again.
But either way, my half-assed attempts at losing and then trying to recover at the same time... needs to stop. It is hurting me both ways. It becomes unhealthy body wise, and mind wise and does nothing for either side.
So I have decided to side with my ana this time. I know how bad that is but I really just... I don't know. You know how it is when you have been resisting so long that when you finally crack it feels like heaven? Maybe not? No? Oh well.
Sorry that this has been such a long post. It isn't even a fraction of what I am thinking right now.
I am going with guy from work on Tuesday this time to check out apartments. That day, neither of us have work so we have a full day. It would be Monday, but Monday is a holiday. Labor day everybody.
Mean words to myself.

  1. You are fat.
  2. You are disgusting.
  3. Eating food is called living, eating too much food is called being you.
  4. Look at that thing on your stomach, Newsflash, that is your stomach.
  5. Stop eating.
  6. Why do you do this? To satisfy yourself for one moment, you are sacrificing everyone else who has to look at you.
  7. You are not skinny.
  8. You aren't even close to skinny.
  9. You aren't waging a war on fat, you are waging a war on skinny. You are losing the battle.
  10. Try harder. Do better.
  11. You will never be good enough.
  12. At this rate, you will achieve your goals never.
  13. What good is your enthusiasm if you use it to justify eating too much, and encourage eating more?
  14. When you think everything is all right and decide it is okay to eat again, the next moment something will go wrong and you will feel like absolute shit. Because not only is something wrong, but you cannot feel in control or make things better. You just became a fool.
  15. You still want to be that fat girl? DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE FAT?!?!
  16. Imagine the hottest girl walks into the room and all heads turn. Because your fat ass followed her.
  17. Imagine the hottest girl walking into the room and turning heads. Don't you want that to be you?
  18. You have thirty pounds to go before you reach your first major goal. You aren't even close.
  19. New years will come and you will still be fat.
  20. Someone will ask you to play Santa as a joke.
  21. You are a whore. Get a grip. Your mouth is one of your best features-when it's closed.
  22. Everything is flab. Everything looks awful on you right now.
Okay I am done being awful now. I can find my enthusiasm again, not that I feel like using it...
Poor baby... everyone probably knows exactly what I am talking about from reading those two words.
H has a toothache. And he wants to pull his tooth. He's near tears he's in so much pain. He's always in pain. If it isn't one thing, it's another.
So I got so fucking sick of his bullshit whining that I went and bought a super painkiller that's supposed to start working fast. $8
I found an extra ten in my wallet the other day so I had $20 cash. Notice, I don't spend every last cent before I get it.
LOL. He knows me too well. He just just came in to go to bed and said, "You complaining about how whiny I am?" In a kid's tone of voice practically.
I threw it to him in the living room and left the room and he got angry.
Why would I not be angry and stressed out when someone around me is in pain, constantly making groans of pain, faces of pain, and whining that their tooth hurts? Then the bleeping sound every time he gets a text...
"Oh I am so sorry H. That must be horrible for you!"
"Oh she hid the pills? What a bitch." (I can't find them anywhere for real.)
"Well I'm glad your dad finally got you some pain meds. Are you going to be okay?"
Not only will he not give me credit, because to his friends I only exist to be a pain in his ass, but instead of saying thank you he would just say, you didn't have to. Either way he is upset that I couldn't find them.
I have had a stomach ache pretty much every day since middle/high school. I probably at least cracked a bone in my hand. I nearly passed out on the bus from my cramps...
It's tiring. And now because I took the time to fucking help him out, maybe because I am a good person, it's too late to go to sleep and be able to get an appointment so I have to stay up all night again. God and he is already snoring the fucking bitch shitty old fag. There's my creativity coming out...
He whines, shoves away my help and then whines some more until I have to help him in order to get him to shut up.
I have got to be the nicest person ever seriously... and yet I get treated like a piece of trash. So tired of all of this... I really am.
I realized something sad earlier. I went looking for the ibuprofin and after about a minute I had looked through all of my stuff and had gone through my entire list of possible places. A backpack, a purse, a bathroom bag, and on and in the dresser. That's it. That is all my stuff right there except for a black garbage bag full of clean clothes.
I should rename my blog "Life is never fair".
Ah what am I saying. I am such a whiny baby myself. I'm sure someone else had a worse life than me. I have no right to say any of this.
Ah I lied. The old man took me to the gas station down the street and said get anything you like. A bag of chips (of course, always my downfall) and a Moonpie.
1050 calories. How am I such a failure???
So much for being pro ana. Guess it makes me a wannabe.
But seriously. Two items of food... Do I just make shit decision? That and a lack of self control...
Fuck this. I'm going to bed.
These cramps are so bad that the harder pangs literally take my breath away.
H is complaining about his tooth hurting again. He has no money to get anything done to it so he is trying to find a way to pull it. I pulled my two teeth out with my fingers a few years ago as a kid. He says it would be too painful. LOL.
It's frustrating me and pissing me off. As long as he is sitting there, whining about how much it hurts, and texting all his friends for pity like he always does, I don't want anything to have to do with the dick.
I was actually hoping he wouldn't come back tonight. How uncharacteristic of me is that? Like I went to unlock the door for them and literally felt disappointed when I saw him. Usually when he goes to eat with his brother and ends up staying there I panic when I find out he's not coming back. This time I didn't.
I am slightly entertained though. He said he didn't know if he could pull it with his fingers and I told him I had pulled two with my fingers. He makes a pained noise just trying to imagine it. He asked how I did it and I said I pushed it back and forth until my gums were stretched and all the nerves were broken off. More noises. He then asked me if I had gotten all the roots when I did it that way and I said no. Then I explained how the dentist had had to cut them out with a knife and then gave me stitches. Why is this funny to me? I don't know. Maybe because compared to all of that he seems like a pussy.
I have my hair in a pony tale but a good amount of hair doesn't fit. It's like a giant mass of bangs that goes down to my lips. I am leaving them down at the moment, over one eyes, so that I don't have to look at him.
I hate the pity texting though. Looking at his Facebook page, without ever needing to get on his profile, for the first few years he had it, even before he knew me, his only posts were saying he was sick or injured and he did it a lot. Confirmed baby/hypochondriac.
I have more shifts this week though. I have three shifts. I can't remember which days though so it's a good thing I wrote it down somewhere.
Haven't eaten anything today. He's putting on a cooking show. Fuck.
Well, I will be eating, but because of my hard work all day, I don't think I will eat more than 600 calories in one meal so I am safe-ish.
I mean, it's already night time. I will be going to bed in a few hours and I haven't had more than my flavored water. The entire thing has three packets in it, which equals 30 calories but I am not even halfway through and I mean, 64 oz of water? I am needing that.
All there is to eat right now is ramen, soups and my eggs. Actually I do have that pancake batter... Eh bad idea.
I will be checking in again later before bed.