Thursday, August 30, 2012

I don't have much time because I have to go to work in a few minutes but I really needed to say something.
First of all, I weighed in at 153.4 this morning. So much better than last night. I haven't eaten yet and H is at his brothers as of early this morning. I also started my period this morning and it sucks.
H has been extremely nice lately- as in the last few days. Yesterday I was cold and he brought me a blanket of his to wrap up in. A few other things happened too, small things.
Last night I came out to watch the new episode of Grimm with them and he wouldn't stop touching me. When no one is looking sometimes he pokes my butt and other little things, but writes them off quickly as being nothing. Last night he tickled me more, snuck up on me and poked my sides. He's being super smiley with me. He even sat on the floor and made me sit in his lap. So I took a seat between his outstretched legs but sat too far in front of him and he tried to use his feet to make me lean back but it didn't work so then he pretended to put me in a choke hold which made me lean back against him, only while in the choke hold. Then I made sure to stay way out next to the TV so he wouldn't bother me but it didn't work all that well...
So last night I dreamed we got engaged. It felt like today. I can't tell when my dreams are dreams so it felt real to m completely. He just out of the blue said I should marry him and I agreed. In my dream he would sneak up behind me and hug me and tell me I was sexy. He never let me turn around for some reason, like if I looked at him something would go wrong. Then he would leave for days at a time in my dream and I wasn't supposed to tell anyone we were engaged. Also, I noticed never once in my dream did he say he loved me as far as a I can remember. He never once told me I was beautiful.
Anyways it fucked up my entire mentality. And when I was woken up several times because someone was talking to me this morning, every time I went to sleep the dream would just pick up where it let off. Usually my dreams change when I wake up. Also to show you how much my heart is being fucked up, just in real life if he wanted me again I would go out with him no questions asked. I remember thinking in my dream, we can't just start up like this. I want answers. But I knew I couldn't ask them or he would stop paying attention to me and dump me. How fucked up can I get???
I hate myself for loving him. I want out.
K went to her mom's for the weekend, so if H stays there for a few days I will have the place to myself during the days. I am already terrified of being lonely as it is...
Got to go. Fuck work...