Wednesday, August 29, 2012

So for today's honesty...
Two large bowls of honey bunches cereal in lactose free milk. Diet coke.
Four rice cakes at 50 calories each. Two packs of ramen. That's about it...
It was awful.
Let me tally that up...

200 for the rice cakes
+760 for the ramen.
+600+ of cereal... probably more with how much I ate...

1560 total. And that is my low estimate. I don't want to think about this...

Fuck I am soooo fat. I'm going to weigh myself. I have to. Even if I did eat today already.
155.8 pounds. Fuck.
That can't all be from food. Last time I weighed I was closer to 154 pounds. I can't have eaten almost two pounds in food today. I can't have. I'm gaining. Wake up call.
I would go on a bike ride but- insert your favorite excuse here.

I really don't want to work tomorrow. They are going to fire me anyways and that's why they have been cutting my hours. I really don't know what they expect me to do. I am working as hard and as well as I can. If that isn't good enough, when will it ever be?
I can't get an apartment period if I lose my job. I have been working harder than most of everybody there I feel. I am really trying. I am always moving, taking the initiative, and I get most of the orders right if now all. At least, I feel that I am doing a lot better. But it's no use with my bitch boss who won't listen and tells me I am not good enough. I don't think she believes I can get better even though I have, and she has probably already set out her plan of action, cutting hours and then firing me. It doesn't matter how hard I work at this point, but I will try my best anyways because that is the kind of person that I am.
I just got a text from a number I don't even know and all it said was, wanna fuck?
Not even joking. I asked who it was and they send a text that they like nipples and pancakes and then another giving me a fictional name. See? People just see me as a sex object. Idk who it is but I'm not even going to open the messages anymore.
I just checked my account info though I am doing remarkably well on minutes and texts. I haven't even reached my half way mark for amount of texts and it's about half way through my 30 day card. I have hardly touched my minutes, and my internet has hardly been touched too. Cool.
In response to the girls showing me so much caring, I really don't know how to get away from him. I hate leaving the house because it is so hard to stay hydrated for me and I hate long walks, hate summer in general. There is no place to go, no one to be with, and I would rather not be on the streets even during the day just to be away from here. There was a stabbing in these apartments just a few days ago. K walked with me to the gas station to get some necessities and we saw two girls and three guys handcuffed on the ground. There were at least five police cars, an ambulance, two fire trucks and they even had a helicopter out because one of the guys tried to run. I heard the cops talking to their friends and apparently it isn't uncommon to have a gun. The stabber had one, but he used a knife. Tells you how safe it is here. There are always cops down this street. There are two bars across the street too. I am approached by guys more during the day than at night. And this whole city is like that.
I might be able to get my own apartment on some kind of government program for extremely low income, but they have lowered my hours yet again to one four hour shift per week. What if I lose my job? I have already been threatened and now they are severely cutting my hours. Without even a part time job, this program can't do a thing for me. I might even be able to get benefits, but only if I am already in an apartment in which I have to provide rent.
I have a guy friend from work, the one who is really starting to disturb me, and we were going to look at apartments on Tuesday but he skipped on me. It seemed like a good reason, family issues I guess, but I am so used to people forgetting me and letting me down I can't see it in any other light than a depressed one. He rescheduled for Friday. The funny, or really, weird thing is, I get a kind of feeling when I know someone is going to let me down. My intuition always calls it. Look at any of my posts and it's incredible how often I am right. Sometimes I exaggerate in hopes of jinxing it wrong, but most of the time I am right on.
Also, I sleep next to H. I literally sleep in the same bed as him because there is nowhere else in the apartment to sleep. I wish I could get away but I have to pay for my own bus now and I can't afford to go out every day, or even more than I will be if I still work.
I don't know what is going to happen. Nothing ever happens. Months and months of just hoping for an opportunity has weighed me down. I have a hard time hoping for any way out the last few years. Before in high school, I dreamed of getting a job and moving out...
This guy can help me get a job too. I would get so sick just trying to walk out in this heat applying for places. It's been in the 90's lately. Fahrenheit.
Now is the time to get a job and if I don't hurry all the available jobs will get snatched up, but I am dead serious when I say this, I don't see myself applying. I can tell everyone I will but I know I won't. It's literally too hard for me in this condition. I know when I will do something even if it is hard, and this is one of those times I won't.
Sigh. Thanks for all of the love you guys though. I need it.
I haven't slept in two days. I have to work tomorrow and I still can't sleep. I am too stressed out. My thoughts are going too fast. I am afraid of closing my eyes and missing something. I am not ready to abandon thinking for sleep yet. I wish I could. I will try and lay down for a bit in a little while here. But not yet.
So I just discovered that comments have a limited amount of words or characters. Flawed Design left that long lovely comment and it won't even fully show up. :(
But that's okay, the entire thing showed up in my email. I set it up that way originally actually. When someone comments it's like getting an email because it also gets sent to my email. Then I can check email and read comments even when I can't access blogger. Its really nice. Also, if I were ever to delete my blog, or blogger did for content reasons, I still have the messages forever. I really do treasure them. Everyone is deleting thinspo videos on facebook, and pro ana websites and blogs and everything. So why don't they bad religious sites/blogs/videos, or ones on drugs, or ones on alcohol, or ones on bipolar, anxiety and depression disorders... shall I go on? It's stupid that people think by taking it all down they are helping. Anyone who is there is already too far gone, and the people who stumble upon it are probably already predisposed to get it or something.
H is being super cute and cuddly today. I hate it. He flirted hard all this morning and I haven't slept all night and I made sure he had some of my ramen noodles because he's out of food, and I even made it for him. And then when I was so out of energy I could hardly stand I asked if he would make me some food and he had the gall to get angry. But see, I can't stop myself from hoping every time he is that sweet to me. It isn't an everyday thing, and it's polar opposite of his normal self. How does one deal with that???
I'm the one with bipolar disorder but even my moods aren't that drastic...
I'm too tried to be tired of life. And I got half way through a 90 calorie no fat yogurt when I remembered that I didn't like yogurt. It makes my mouth really dry and pasty and then it upsets my stomach. Oops. Oh well.
And last night H's dad came back from work with a bag of cookies and threw them directly to me in my room. H had one and then I was like, "Oh Boy! Something to binge on!" And it all went down in seconds I'm sure. Sugar cookies with sprinkles. Ugh I felt sick after one but kept going. I didn't weigh myself today.
I just have to keep the most famous ana saying in mind, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."
Keep up the effort girls. Each day you fail and still manage to come up with more enthusiasm for the next day, that right there is a success in itself.
This is in response to the comment left by flawed design.
I'm grateful you said something honestly. But it is frustrating for people to throw suggestions my way because I have tried everything already. It's like... well let me explain the situation clearly- or at least clearer.
He is not my boyfriend anymore, nor will he ever be. He has been horrible. I am recently finding out things about when we first broke up, way at the beginning of the year, that I am glad I didn't know. I found out, though not from him- he denies this- in his texts, that he had sex with someone right after breaking up with me. Also he is sexting a girl from far away all the time. He still has feelings for a girl who strung him along all through high school and she is married or engaged and living in another state. He thought I was dead at first when I was in the hospital back then for attempted suicide, and when he found out otherwise, thought I had told my parents to tell him that just to be mean and manipulative. He said to a friend, "Gee I sure pick winners, don't I."
Every last one of his friends knew I had an emotional problem and he complained about it to each one of them. He told them all about how awful I was, that I was too emotional, and I was going through one of the hardest times in my life at that time.
I once asked when we were together if he had ever talked about me to his friends. What girlfriend doesn't want the boyfriend to brag about her? He said no. All of his friends knew he wanted to break up with me months before I had any clue. He held on so long only because he hated when I cried. He still says it makes him angry. If I cry, he gets very angry.
The way I found out we were broken up was when he was at a friends. After not contacting me for about a week I began to message his friends to find out what was going on. He never contacted me when he was there. Still doesn't. He took me once but they hated me. He would be gone for weeks without contact.
His friend basically told me that H said he had no girlfriend and told me I was creepy and to fuck off. Then even more embarrassingly, this friend's wife told me I was childish and immature for trying to hold on to him. She basically told me to get over it just like that. She broke up with me for him. We had been together for 8 months, and she wanted me to just, "get over it." Then he finally sent a text on her phone. "We are over. Stop." As in stop annoying his friends with stupid calls.
I was kicked out just like that. He was gone and wouldn't talk to me. I ended up cutting my wrist, ended up in the hospital. They put me in the mental ward for about a week. No one visited me. I then ended up in the homeless shelter during a huge snow storm. I ran away from the shelter to sleep in the park. The snow was a few feet deep then I remember.
Long story short. He was awful to me. He still is.
When I try and talk to him about how I feel, he gets angry. He will not talk about anything personal with me. I can't talk to him about my feelings. I still try but every time he tells me to stop being so dramatic and tells me to fuck off. The other day I tried to explain how his bipolar mood swings were affecting me. He defended himself, saying he was just being "friendly". I don't think he understands. He treats me in some ways just like a girlfriend. He will hug and flirt and care and be nice. He will check on me on good days and when I am down he will try and find out what is wrong and cheer me up. As long as I don't mention us. As long as it's not personal. He blames me and gets very angry with me when I refuse his attentions even though they give me hope and make me devastated when they stop. He says he only likes me as a friend. All his emotions for me just turned off when he broke it off. Mine didn't.
He has no desire at all to get back together with me or be romantic with me. He makes it very clear that there will be no getting back together. But, he encourages me to do sexual favors for him. Or really, I get carried away because I crave... human intimacy again. But he never kisses. I never get any attention. Only he and his... get attention. I have decided to stop that recently. I feel I am being used. Before I saw it as a sign that he liked me back. Now I see it as something different.
Sorry for the long post but I felt I must fully explain. I am a reasonable person. I will try and talk problems through with people, but he refuses to believe he has or does anything wrong. He feels it is all me, making my own decisions, letting my own feelings get out of control... In other words, I am making mountains out of molehills. He refuses to understand the constant pain I am in all the time. But I would rather he treats me nicely than having to cry and self harm to deal with the constant barrage of put downs when he is in a bad mood. I don't want to be called emotional, and immature, and childish anymore. I don't want to be seen as stupid anymore.
Sometimes I use the game controller I bought for him when I accidentally broke his controller, and smash it down on my hand. He had told all of his friends without telling me, that I had done it on purpose. To "spite" him. That's the word he used. And I wasn't even sure that I had broken it, it just turned up broken. But I took responsibility and bought him a new one even though I am broke. That same controller leaves dark bruises on my hands. I may have broken a bone in my hand with it. The bruise healed but under the skin where the bones are, there is a bump where it healed back up wrong. At least, that's what I think happened. I have to get it checked out by the doctor...
I want to get out of here. I know I can never just be friends with him ever again. Not now at least. But I am so afraid of his anger, of being disliked by somebody that I can't just cut him off, especially not while living here. Hopefully, if I can get out, I can just stop talking to him most of the time and hope he forgets me. But I will always be hoping and waiting for him to realize what he has lost. I will always dream that he comes back. And the day I finally realize he has moved on, I will be dangerously devastated.
He still has that look in his eyes sometimes, on his face, when I do something that makes him laugh. He is always teasing me and trying to tickle me and poke my nose... He still pets my head and invites me into his arms...
I just don't know what to do anymore. This is a living hell.
I can't even remember what I was getting at...
I am so miserable here. I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I tell him that. "I just don't know what to do anymore."
And you know what he says? "It's up to you what to do."
He has told me countless times that he thinks it is immature of me. Apparently if I don't know what decision to make every step of the way, that makes me immature. I think it makes me human. No one has an answer for me though. There is no way to stop heartbreak. There is no way to escape. I would honestly rather die. I'm not afraid of hell. Nothing can be worse than this. That isn't just me being dramatic either.
I am tired but I can't sleep now. It is too late in the morning to sleep. I have to work tomorrow. Fuck.
I am so fat.

I look something like this body wise I believe. It's disgusting to me. This girl can be happy with her body but she can have it. I don't want to look like this anymore.

I feel guilty about posting pics and saying, look, I am showing off a fat girl so I can show what not to be. I mean, what if I was that girl? But I would honestly want someone to come up to me and tell me how gross I am. I am so tired of desperate people telling me I am beautiful just the way I am. And you are perfect also... not.
What am I supposed to say to that? I say thank you, but what I really mean is, so you are letting me settle? Do you not want the best for me?
I told a guy friend, carrot tops, the one who bought me the bike, about the guy from work who calls me "La Petite." He laughed. He literally laughed. He said, "no offense but I have seen a lot of girls littler than you. You aren't small."
It was a little shocking that he would say something like that, but he was just being honest.
I don't like me the way I am, and I am not just going to sit on the couch and be miserable the way I am. I want to change it.

Some guys may think this is hot. More to grab on to right?
Who really wants to look like this?
She doesn't even look happy doing this job. I love how her fat stomach is tucked into her panties to make her look more appealing. Anyone think this is sexy?

It almost looks like some model's face was photo shopped onto this one. How does one have cheek bones at that weight? Where does she hide all her face fat???

She should seriously reconsider this one... seriously...
Okay enough fat pics. Just showing everyone how I feel. I don't think plus size models are sexy. Promoting a "healthier" living, is probably just making people more comfortable eating hamburgers and generally supporting the food industries in this economy. It's like they are trying to help people justify themselves in their unhealthy bodies. Not that extreme skinny-ness is healthy. But healthy weight has two ends. The high end and the low end. This seems a little too far above the bar...
I am by no standard small.
Sorry, I may be tired and stressing out, but I was watching Dying to Dance, and the one girl was stressing out about her weight and stuff and I realized, she's so small. I mean, she could have been considered a little curvier than most girls, but compared to me...
It's 4 in the morning, H has gone to sleep and I had my back turned to him when he held out his arm to let me lie next to him. I don't want to have feelings for him anymore. I don't want to do this.
I mean, I used to be able to block out my problems for at least a little while. Everyone needs to escape from the things that stress them out, but I am locked in with mine. I don't feel like I will ever be let out of this cage. I am so used to it that I fear what happens when I do get out.
I have to face the thing that breaks my heart, and keeps breaking my heart. It's like he's saying, "Hold on, I'm not done yet." It's like the pain lasts forever. One can heal when they are stabbed once, but when the hunter holds the knife in your chest, digging deeper and deeper, never really stopping... It like he is submerging the knife so far in it will never come out, and yet he pushed deeper and deeper until his hand starts to submerge itself too. And once I have absorbed him and the knife, the thing hurting me, into my heart, I won't have a heart anymore.
"Heartbreak is so hard..."
But no one else has to live for months with that same person who broke their heart, never allowed to talk about it, never allowed to speak ones thoughts, never allowed to live or die but suspended cruelly between the two. I am forever caught in limbo.
It's crushing. Either he is cruel to me and I start to get my act together and try and forget him, and I cry every day at the pain of his words, or I am brutally given hope, again and again. I want to tell my heart it isn't real, that what I am feeling is some sick thing that is unaccepted and unacceptable, but it won't listen. Sometimes I forget, and I let him hold me, and then it is the breakup all over again. I want to move on, but I have loved him for so long, I can't anymore. I hate love. I should have known this would happen. Actually I did. But I let myself anyways.
I know I predicted this. I know myself well. I know there are entries, whether in a diary or somewhere else stating things like, I can never be in a relationship, and I will always hurt people when I try to love them.
I told H before we started the relationship. I warned him and made him promise that if he stepped into the mess called me, he would do it fully understanding how awful I was. He said it didn't matter. I should have known better.

But oh I feel so fat it's ridiculous. As if it wasn't bad enough when I started it.
I was nearly what? 190-200 pounds? I was a whale. I found pictures my mom had taken of me and I was just a giant mass of fat. I didn't even care about my weight when I started. It was more like, what would happen if I stopped eating? And I tried it. That first day I believe I had three skittles. I wrote it in a little yellow notebook with the word "courage" on the front. I even wrote in the color.
It was new, it was exciting. Then, probably four or five days in I realized I was losing weight. I weighed myself. Suddenly that was also exciting. One or two whole pounds a day and it was effortless.
I want on. It was around Christmas time. Food held no appeal to me whatsoever. I turned down everything. I managed to get through that same thanksgiving eating barely anything. Even at the table, everyone watching me, but not knowing what to look for, I got away with it. At Christmas my mom made chocolate cream pie, banana cream pie, berry pie and pumpkin pie and some kind of fancy cheese cake. She made rolls and treats like peppermint candies and fudge. I didn't touch any of it. I lost an enormous amount of weight over Christmas break, and when I went back to school, everyone looked at me a little differently. Who can possibly lose weight over Christmas? I can. I did.
But seriously. About 155 pounds? Still massive.
Ooh I lost a ton of weight. Big deal. Someone who is 300 pounds can lose a whopping 100 pounds and still look fat. Losing weight doesn't make you skinny. The numbers on the scale do. Hard work does.
Then I lost my control and spiraled down into something awful. I binged thousands of calories of food. I would go into the kitchen in the middle of the night and make everything and eat everything, and my mom would get so angry with me for stealing food...
I tried to learn to throw up, I desperately wanted to know how, but I couldn't figure it out. So I exercised. I paced hours and hours. I would play sick and skip school the next day because I just wasn't able to sleep after eating so much. I would spend the entire night, school night or not, exercising until my body was past exhaustion. At school I would wear a giant grey sweatshirt over everything, no matter how warm it got. I couldn't stand for people to see my body.
I was excited when I got into the 160's, I had been at the 170's for too long. My weight went up and down. I grew really sick. In the head. I was depressed. I don't remember what happened to make me so depressed, but whatever it was, it sent me well into the 160's and it was just too easy because food didn't seem necessary at all. I was so sick of life, food disgusted me. The same thing probably happened to send me off into the 150's. All it ever takes for me is one good week long restriction with little intake to get me going. I can lose so much, and I am not like other people. I don't have to work hard, and I don't start craving food by day two or day three, or even four. I can go on as long as it takes for my mood to lift, with little effort on my part. It must have been when H was gone. Whether we were together or not. He was away for a while several times at a friend's house. If I lived on my own, I feel that I would have no trouble losing weight. For some reason life likes to remove all possible opportunity to succeed.
I just... don't want to do life anymore. No one should ever have to suffer the way I am. But then I think, what makes me different from anyone else? My life can't be worse. I am not special. I am being self absorbed to think that the world tortures me any more than it does everyone else. So maybe I just have an emotional problem...
This has become a long post. Sorry about that.
This is how I feel a bit today. Harsh but well needed and appreciated.

Sorry if it is too small to read. :/
I can't get it any bigger without cutting half of it off...