Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Why the fuck is a twix candy bar 500 calories???
I'm horrified at myself.
I was watching Super Size Me, convinced it would gross me out but I was already hungry when I started it. It was not well thought through.
I mean, anyone asks me what I ate for dinner and I say, "A twix and a small bag of organic chips (gluten free)." That makes me look like I ate too little.
The little bag of chips is 290 total. I was like, well if I'm going to binge on chips I won't buy a whole bag because then I would eat it all and be thousands over the limit. But I didn't look at the twix until after I left. I guess I was stuck in binge mode and didn't care. Even as I knew I shouldn't be eating it, I ate one piece slowly, looked at the other thinking I should try to give it away to someone, and then I shoved it in too.
790 calorie binge. Fuck sake.
Sigh. Oh well...
One entire day wasted. Another failure...
I am trying to slow the massive cravings down by drinking diet coke... I keep looking around trying to find something to eat.

800+ from this morning and 790 just now...
1590 calories for the day. That calms me down a little. I have had worse days. A lot worse. I have had 5,000+ binge days before. I have also had zero calorie days when I walked the hallway for hours and hours. I like the old days. Back then I had an mp3 player to listen to. I could go for hours and hours with the comfort of my bedroom a few steps away should I tire. I would walk until I was nearly passed out from exhaustion, and my legs would be numb and wobbly...
If I just had music!
It won't be too long now before I can buy my own mp3 player. Next paycheck I will need it all for bus money and rent, and then the one after that, I can buy an mp3 player. So about a month. Sigh again...
The chips are gone and I still keep reaching into the bag.
You know what, I think I am going to try and do some exercises here in bed. H is in the other room and I am all alone with the door shut, and I can get onto the radio with my computer but I don't have a favorite selection of music saved anywhere yet.
Today was already better than yesterday. That's a start.
I went a long time without food, being hungry. That's a small success, but still a success nonetheless.
I am going to exercise. That is a serious change. I am usually to lazy to put in the smallest effort.
I'm trying to sit here and think of a good exercise to do on a mattress with no floor space in a room where anyone can walk in at any moment and I can't be too noisy...
I might just try jumping jacks and running in place.
Either way I need to work HARDER.
And to think she's gone now...

Another dose of complete honesty here. I need to crack down on that. The more honest I am here, the more I will be ashamed and stop eating so that I don't have to lie about eating.
I had gluten free pancakes this morning. I didn't read the box until afterwards *big mistake* and have consumed over 800 calories. Oops.
Good thing is, that was breakfast. Now I am starting to grow hungry again.
I am scared, and yet excited. The opportunity to succeed is rising and I don't know how I will meet it. Actually, yes I do. I will rise to the challenge and meet it head on. I WILL succeed.
I am watching thinspiration video's on YouTube right now. There are a few I haven't seen before that I am loving a lot right now.
Here, I'll share:

This needs to hit hard girls. If you can't do it, give up and leave. Now.
Getting skinny is hard work. You can't just dream. I have not been hard enough on myself lately and I am sure some of you feel the same. You can't expect to eat and dream and then just get skinny, just like that.
Come on!
Let's work hard!
I am getting confused when I try and comment lately. I think, did I already comment for her? Do I ever comment for this one? I should comment for all of them but what do I say on this one? And then I can't figure out what to say or can't figure out if I missed somebody...
So I am sorry if I haven't commented yet. I am really foggy the last few days. I'm badly dehydrated again and it makes everything so complicated. I need to drink more water...
Anyways, I am determined to make today a good day.
Now that my computer is bought and paid for, I can start saving up for other things. I was thinking about saving up and buying each piece of my dream outfit, bit by bit, as a reward for losing weight. However, I do not know how much money I will be able to save up each month and I don't know if I am moving in somewhere else or what... So, I am keeping it mind for the moment, but also winter clothes are going to be hard to find right now. If I am patient and wait a month or two or three they might start selling cold weather stuffs.
But I am going down in weight. I don't think I will weigh myself unless it is convenient. I am having period cramps so I am just waiting for the rest of it to come around.
I am determined today will be a good day. :)
I want to start collecting pictures. Out of magazines preferably but since I don't have any...
I might just go to Google images and save some on my new laptop. Dream clothes, dream body, dream vocation, dream house, dream everything. Seeing things I like and want helps me motivate myself towards a goal, or just motivate myself in general. I don't get very excited much. Getting my own laptop, the excitement is still hard in coming. I mean, I love it and it makes everything so much funner and easier but I guess H has pushed me into a kind of not feeling zone. This is becoming normal.
I want to be excited about something again... :/
Let's have a good day everyone! :D
So sick of life...

I want to be skinny-
So that when you see me, you feel my emptiness and yearn to fill it up. You yearn to help me, to save me, to carry me away from my troubles and lock me up in the highest tower in your castle. Your heart aches to hold me but there is nothing to hold. I am so tiny and fragile that you are literally afraid to breathe on me. My heart still beats, but only from pure willpower. My body loses the life I lost years ago inside me somewhere. I died so long ago, but now you can see it too. My pain is no longer just an inward feeling. I am already lost but you are desperate to save me, and why not try? You may try and save what of my body is left, but what about my heart? When you pump me full of things to make my body fuller, what will you do to fill the hole in my chest that you created? When my heart tries to stop, and my breathes are so ragged, each could be my last, and I am done trying but you make me cry anyways, who is really dying? You are. I am already gone.
I was awful today too but for good reason. Hiding an eating disorder from a doctor is scary business... I don't really want to explain.
I think I can still achieve my goal by new years but it takes hard work. Today was my two sisters' birthday. They are twins.
It was a disheartening day.
But that's okay. Every day is a new day.