Saturday, August 11, 2012

Thank you everyone for the lovely comments! They do make me feel better. :)
H is going to be gone for an entire week. Now at first when he told me I was super devastated, but we all know that's always how it starts out. It does get depressing but at least then I won't be expecting anything, or hoping he will come into the room just to give me a moment of attention. I am so lonely here...
But that is an entire week of no H. No stressing out about him and the way he treats me, or the way he ignores me when it suits him. I can hang back in the bedroom all I want and play his PS3 all I want, and watch all the TV and anime's and you tube videos that I want. I get the mattresses to myself- well actually his has a stench- I probably won't touch it... But I can put his under mine and have my own bed.
This can be exciting if I let it.
It's another opportunity to starve for days on end. But this time I must try harder not to get so severely dehydrated- or dehydrated at all. I am regularly at about 150 pounds so I should be able to get down to 145 or lower. Lower than that is my goal. I have never been so small before and yet I am still super fat. I need to shrink. I want him to come back and notice that I have lost weight. That is my goal right there. he must be able to tell the difference from before and after.
Another goal of mine- as soon as he gets back, I can't let it all come back on as it most inevitably will try. All it takes is a day of binge eating for my weight to ruin a week's worth of hard work.
I am disappointed though. I get so few hours now that I may not be able to afford rent, a bus pass, and now, my own phone bill. I only have $238 in the bank. That is all I have managed to save up this entire time. I've had this job a month and a half now? Miserable.
Hopefully I will be able to post more though, now that he won't be playing on this computer 99% of the time.
Oh god what am I going to do...
January 1st is my ultimate goal date sort of. I want to be down to at least 120 by then but I don't know how well that will work...
K is trying to lose weight again. Joy. At least I have more incentive to push myself. I cannot be larger than her. She thought I was in the 140's just by looking. I was in the 150's still. Today I am 150.2 again. I need to go and get my schedule and my paycheck today. Also, I need to go get myself a new phone card. This is the last month of unlimited. My friend decided I would have to start paying for half. $30 for phone card. Same or more for rent. $30 soon to be $45 for a bus pass- all of this monthly. I will not have any money left after all of this... WHAT IS THE POINT???
Somebody offer me my own room and some freedom. Or a job. A nice 40 hour a week job. Please.
Sigh... yeah right.