Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I just discovered a new safe food. I have chicken noodle soup- 1 can = 150 calories. I was stressing out about binge eating on solid foods and going way over comfortable. Comfortable is maybe 200. If I go 300 and above I freak out. 100 is best though.
Also I got a giant thing of diet soda- no calories. Yay!

Also H is sick. Know what that means? Pure misery on my part. Whining, sniffling, more whining, complaining, panic attack thinking he has to go to the emergency room, constantly asking me if he has a fever...
So I haven't slept in two days because I am trying to start sleeping at night so I'm not exhausted for my 8 am appointment for testing tomorrow. I ended up just going to bed when I get a phone call. I silenced it, thinking I didn't want to answer, but the person called a second and third time. I picked up the third time. Some girl from work, one I had to think to remember called me, sounding super sick, and said I was the only other person available and could I take her shift tonight. I said I hadn't slept in two days and had to get some sleep for my appointment tomorrow. So she tried to tell me it was a 5-9 shift so it wouldn't be right now, and again I told her I couldn't do it. She sounded so disappointed when she hung up and now I feel guilty as hell. But I really wouldn't be able to do it. I would either end up getting about four hours of sleep, or not sleep at all and come in exhausted anyways, so I would make tons of mistakes. I already make enough mistakes when I'm awake because of my ADD or whatever it is. Then by the time I got home it would be maybe... ten, ten thirty maybe, and I would have to make up for two days of sleep before my early morning appointment, or I would have slept for four hours already and been up too long, so I wouldn't be able to sleep. Either way I would have to go in the morning for a four hour testing run if not longer, on not enough sleep.
I am super terrified if I go in tired then they will blame whatever issues I am trying to get checked out- on being tired, and I wouldn't get the help or the meds I have been hoping for for months now.
But they all sound like super lame excuses, and I can only think that I should have said my doctors appointment was today so she won't hate me next time I see her for work.
I have this thing, where no matter what I feel that I have to put everyone else before myself. It's something ingrained in me from years of living a fucked up life and before that a messed up childhood. I have always put up with pain and discomfort for others and I feel it needs to stop, but I'm not sure if I am right or wrong this time. I am just barely starting to tech myself to stop doing that.
For example, I would let H have the bed, my fluffiest blanket, and the fan, at the expanse of me having to sleep on the floor, in the heat, with a too small blanket. This is something I have actually done before and not too long ago either. For some reason if I don't I feel that I am being super selfish and don't deserve a place to live.
On the other hand, this girl is probably miserable and I am making her life super hard. I don't have a doctor's appointment at the time she wants me to work, and I probably could take it without anything bad happening. But as soon as she asked me I panicked and said no. Hm, do I want to wait three or four hours until it's time to get ready, get dressed in clothes I was going to get cleaned this week, walk in the heat to the bus stop, hungry and tired, and go to work? Do I want to work with a blank mind and get scolded and mess up change so I have to give the fast food place the difference like I did last time? Do I want to be dizzy and shake the entire time from loss of sleep? Do I want to drop things everywhere? (On Sunday when I worked last I dropped an entire can of chives upside down on the floor.) Do I want to be extremely anxious the entire day and have a panic attack? (I have multiple panic attacks when I am tired and can't think everything through.) Do I want to stress out when I wake up without enough sleep to do testing tomorrow? I'm even terrified of going to the hospital for testing at this point. And I still have to get myself a bus pass and cash the check I got Sunday and get H a phone card as rent and get the application from R's and fill it out and turn it in...
And the other big question, do I want to have to eat so I know I won't collapse?
Even after telling myself all that, I realize that if I were a normal person it wouldn't be that big of a thing and I could probably agree. After all that, I still feel guilty and selfish for saying no to a person in need.


Even if H hadn't come down with a cold and stayed up all night with me and didn't have a foot injury and could go with me to the theater, I wouldn't have the time to. But I do, and he won't go with me. This is my only chance to get to see Madagascar 3 and I'm sad because I don't have any friends to go with me except for my Ex, and even he won't. I feel like crying but ever since the panic attacks when H told me I wasn't allowed I have only been able to cry once and I blocked it out so I couldn't tell you what happened.
I am depressed now.
One good thing out of all this. Depression helps me to not eat, and so far my stomach has been grumbling for hours. I haven't eaten a thing since my last post. Because I said no I can continue to starve, and hopefully I won't have time to. H is asleep because I was going to sleep, but now I am awake because of the phone call and the idiot who decided now was a good time to mow the goddamned lawn outside the window...
Sigh. Help.
"Dear Venus,
          Today is day one. It's the first day of putting forth not ten percent, but one hundred and ten percent. It's the first day of trying hard, and not taking any excuses. You have eaten well for the day, so your task is only this- no eating for the rest of the day. You will find hunger again before sleeping. You will feel empty by the time you go to bed. The only things left to do is relax and unwind, because stressing out has no pros to outweigh the cons; not even one.
          Being skinny takes work, and so from now on you will work hard. If you want to be beautiful, you must give your all. Why do you think only some people are skinny? Because not everyone has the strength to achieve their dreams. Do you?
          When you eat, you are empty. When you are empty, you will be full. Every time you are about to eat that "one more thing", take a moment to realize that one more thing could be the difference between a pound gained, and a pound lost. Food will taste like ash in your mouth, and water will replenish your soul. Take care, because when you are bored you eat too much, when hunger is not the problem. As soon as you realize food is poison, and your body follows suit, you can become beautiful.
           Whenever your strength fails you, close your eyes and imagine a scale. Watch, as in your mind, the numbers dwindle. 150, then 145, soon 140, 130, 120, and then 115, until you are absolutely perfect at 96. We will see then. Does food really make you feel better? Remember that feeling after you have selfishly eaten too much? What is food really worth anyways? It is disposable.
           There are no rules in this game, just skill and talent. Either you can do it and are good at it, or you fail. There are no lines to cross, just control to keep. There is no right and wrong, as long as you achieve the winning goal. There is no single path, so when you reach a road block don't give up right away. You either want it or you don't.
           Love,
           Ana."