Friday, July 27, 2012

I can play this over and over and over again...

Da da daaaa da, da da, da da da, da da da da...
One step at a time...
Come on girls! New Years!
Rayya we can do it!!!
I don't know if anyone else likes this style of music, but I am super moved by artists like Eminem and Fort Minor...

Where'd You Go- Fort minor
This song has always haunted me. It is my favorite song, but it nearly kills me to listen to it now. I feel like everyone I have ever loved has left me. My brother, my family, H... I feel like they all just left me to deal with life alone, without even leaving me a clue as to how to live it...

Eminem- Lose Yourself
Pushes me more than any other artist or song. It makes me want to move. It motivates me to go for it, to fight for myself. Only Eminem can help me to get off my ass and run.

Eminem- Sing for the Moment
I listened to these songs when I was with H. It was a haunting time, when I could be in the homeless shelter, the hospital, the mental ward. It snowed but he was never there to see it with me. This song haunts me. It scares me the way I am, the way I have lived life. It makes me feel alone, because I am. This song makes food my life's evil. I WILL NOT EAT.

I once had a journal that I kept at one point that revolved around my eating issues. I would talk about calories and weight and that need I felt inside me to withdraw and not speak, to deal with things with dreams of bones and being cold in the summer.
Each time I wrote in it, as it could be every hour to check in, I would say if I had eaten or not, and I would count the calories and write how much I wanted myself to exercise to make up for it. I would always make it an extreme amount that I could never do, but I would try anyways. And each time I checked in, I would end the entry with I WILL NOT EAT.
Sometimes entire pages were filled with just me telling myself, I WILL NOT EAT. I HAVE SELF CONTROL. I AM STRONG. I WILL NOT EAT. I would always write them in caps.

Eminem- Till I Collapse
Here is another of my favorites. I couldn't find if there was an official video for it so this one just has lyrics, but I hope you still enjoy it.
Hey, I saw a pic of nail polish and totally thought I should make a post, especially as Rayya loves them so much. (Love you Rayya!!!)
These are the crayola scented ones I bought a while ago.

I have only tried the green and the orange but omg the orange smells wonderful!!! I can't wear nail polish now because my job won't allow it. :(

Knowing little about nail polish brands, my favorite is actually Pure ice nail polish. I have something with ice and the sparkles are sooo nice.

Pure Ice does many colors but I am finding I am a huge fan of nail polish in cool blues.

I just realized how to do this lol. I love it!

I have always been in love with this magical ocean like color. I just can't get enough of it...

Oh jeez I need a new job so I can get nail polish for myself for the first time in years and be able to actually wear it... I can still buy them though hehe... No, Venus, save up for computer first... >.<
They aren't that expensive Venus...

There is just something about a good cool red... Anyone who knows about color, should know what I mean. I am not a fan of warm reds, but cool reds like this? Sigh...

Only one more so I don't get carried away... If I could binge on nail polish my food card would be so empty right now...

All done- for now.
For some reason I find myself relating to autistic people, which is difficult to explain because I do not have the same thing happening to me exactly, my disorder has more to do with fear and sadness.

Watch this:

Sometimes I feel as if I have to cover my ears to protect myself from things that are going on. I feel like I am in my own world and cannot communicate it with everyone else. I feel as if I am watching everyone through a fog, or inside a glass globe. I know the feeling of having to move constantly, because sometimes I feel like ants are crawling over my entire body. My muscles get overwhelmed and it hurts in a way to hold them still because I am so tense. I usually turn to self destructive tendencies then because there has to be some way to release what is inside. Perhaps autism is just an extreme case of being human.
I really don't know what to say outside of that. I am trying to explain but there are no words.
When watching alphas, a fictional television show, the character I feel I have the most in common with is Gary. I do not like touch unless I seek it out. I do not like when people put their hands on me, like my back or my shoulders or try to hug me without permission or touch my face. I do not like when people become too close to my face. I feel that no one can understand and I am the only in my little world and it does hurt. It isn't like burning your hand and it isn't like losing someone you love, but it is something entirely different and yet the same.
When I am overcome I slam things around or hit things like the floor, and sometimes the feeling is out of control and it controls me and not the other way around.
I have a cousin who is fully disabled. She is like a baby trapped inside a woman's body. She is a year older than me and cannot walk, but will show joy when people talk to her, and will interact with toys and things that make noise. Perhaps she finds joy with the small victories of connecting with the outside world. When you can make a noise, and everyone else hears that noise, it is like a connection is being made.
I have looked down on and been scared of autistic children before, but I should not have. This helps me to walk across that bridge.