Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Kitty for you day :D

I am kind of worried about my little sister...
I called my mom earlier and of course, they are at a family reunion out of state and I was asking if I they could get me a $30 bus pass, and of course, my mom said I would have to pay for it myself because things would be "tight" for them. I hate that my mom is spending hundreds of dollars to adopt some kid I have never met and has no relation to me or them and won't give me a cent because it's all going towards my mom's unhealthy obsession to keep a baby in her arms. There's a word for it and it is an actual condition that she may actually have but no one gives a damn.
"Oh she's adopting? How nice!" As if it's a charity- HA.
Also she mentioned there's a bump almost like a bug bite near my little sister's eye and it's swollen. It's more than likely a spider bite I would say but no. It can't be that serious or my mom would have to actually put effort forth to do something about it. And I say this because, my mom says she is also sick. Not with a cold or the flu, sick as in hot and cold flashes and a fever. Does a red light turn on in anyone else's head right now?
"It's probably just a mosquito bite. And they are totally unrelated, the fever and the bug bite..." I don't believe that for a moment. A fever? I told her she should get it checked out. She didn't.
"Mom," I told her, "We have several cousins and relatives there who have some kind of medical degree. You should at least ask one of them to look her over."
"No, it's okay. I looked online and it seems fine." Sigh. Stupid mom. I love her, but really?!
It would cost her nothing to have someone else look. I'm just pissed either no one else has noticed what is going on, or no one else has done anything about it. I may be worked up over nothing and overreacting, but if she was my child, I would have her looked over, even if it was just by a friend to get a second opinion. My mom says she will probably ask someone if it gets worse, "but it hasn't gotten worse yet" she says. How would she know??? The fact that no one else has "caught" it yet tells me it is something non contagious that could need some looking into.
This sister is about nine years old, pale as a ghost, and is basically a skeleton. She's the same sister who I think could have a learning disorder because she stutters and just doesn't seem to understand things especially socially as well as her younger sister. That's a warning sign to me. Also, she is underweight and talks about being skinny which scares me. One time I was so freaked out when she said it I told her she might be too skinny and should try to eat more. H also believes that she is extremely underweight for her age, which makes me feel as if my suspicions aren't just irrational worries. I have pointed it out to my mom a ridiculous amount of times but my mom gets angry and offensive and once she said she took her to the doctor and the doctor said she was fine- both in weight and in mind. I don't know if she just said that to get me off her back or if she was telling the truth, but I am still sensing something is not right there. My entire family is predisposed genetically from both parents towards obesity. The two sisters younger than her are probably at least a little chubby for their weight, although that isn't a worry to me, and all her older sisters are fairly normal, or at least not skeletons. I might worry some about one of the twins, but even she doesn't look like this.
Bipolar disorder, ADD in both females and males, dyslexia, depression, and autism all run in the family. My older brother has aspergers, and both of my older brothers and my next youngest sister had been diagnosed with ADD. Both parents and some of the siblings just mentioned are on depression meds. Most of my aunts and uncles are considered obese, some morbidly. My dad has dyslexia...
You see why my worries aren't completely unfounded?
I myself am going in for testing next week. I have already been diagnosed with depression and an anxiety disorder. I am trying to see if I have adulthood ADD. I may have something aside from that too. Also, I believe a lactose intolerance and celiac's disease are common in our family. My dad was diagnosed with lactose intolerance. My mom still refuses to believe I have that and celiac's disease, which I have not been tested for but I am pretty certain I have.
Anyways, I am really hoping nothing bad happens to my little sister. My mom needs a wake up call, but I don't think she would get it even if one of us died. I am afraid one of us will die from her negligence. I am scared for my sisters.
I am terrified one of my sisters will also pick up an eating disorder. My next youngest sister already had to deal with childhood obesity and had eating issues that made her larger not smaller. She has ADD medication now though, and it helps her to lose weight and eat less and healthier. I'm not worried about her getting a disorder at all. I know her too well.
My other sisters, though... one can never tell. I am always looking for signs in my smaller sisters, because if the nine year old is this small now and talks about how proud she is to be skinny and who is fat in the family... I would be less worried honestly if she developed an eating disorder at an older age.
I have noticed the girls who start out at seven or eight who have one, they grow into a woman with the habits becoming firmly ingrained at that age. Then they are the ones who become the smallest and are probably the sickest. I feel that the later you get an eating disorder in life, the less severe it is, but that might just be me.
As hard as it is to watch a woman live with an eating disorder, it is absolutely painful to see a child with it.
I have to work today and tomorrow and I don't want to. I don't want to deal with H. I don't want to eat.
I am 151.7 which is gross and unacceptable. I wish the ass would stop feeding me food. I wish I could say no. I wish I had self control. I wish I didn't feel like absolute shit right now.
Today is going to be a stressful day at work. I just know it. I always make too many mistakes and I can't think very well under pressure so they all think I'm a dumb shit and the one manager will probably be there standing over me watching everything I do like a god damned hawk.
Things need to change. I need to be skinny. I need to get another job and move out. I need to get this ADD taken care of and the anxiety too. I need to have a safe place, my own place, and I need to get away from these disgusting and awful people.
I want out of here. NOW.
I don't even get paid enough for anything. To get a computer I would need to work for a total of at least a month and a half if not two in order to afford a cheap laptop. Seriously. And then after that I still won't be able to use any money because I will give myself hope in thinking that I might get another job soon so I will save it for down payments which I probably won't have to pay until months from now so I will still be scrimping like I am broke and then even if I find I have extra money then, I won't get to use it to make my life better here and now in this HELL ON EARTH.
I think if I were to get a second job, if I gave myself an extra month or so I would easily be able to make money for down payments anyways so I should just allow myself to enjoy having money from this job and try to make myself a little more comfortable. Logically, it could work... if H didn't complain about every last piece of "shit" I clutter his room with, which is mostly clothes and things I actually need. HE doesn't pay rent so I guess I really shouldn't give a fuck...
I wonder if my mom has talked to my grandma yet... probably forgot. Screw it I don't need expensive gifts from a grandmother who hates me. I'll just save up.
I'm running out of fish food though and I don't want to spend a cent...