Sunday, July 22, 2012

Thanks to yesterday's binge I gained a pound since yesterday, but it will be gone soon. I have so much strength lately, even with H here I still have it. I know I can lose fast. I have lost twenty pounds since last August. If I can lose twenty more by next year, new year, I would be so happy. I know myself so well now. I know my body too well. The fear of gaining usually keeps me in check. I have never gained more than five pounds at a time so it's really not that big of a deal. I have never gained all of it back before, and I don't think I ever will. This is the first time hitting all these low weights for me. I WILL succeed. It isn't a matter of thinking I might win this war, I know I will win it, one battle at a time.


Thank you all for the comments. I am amazed that my little narrative inspired so much. I just heard a song that made me feel like writing and put whatever was in my head down. I was actually nervous about publishing it. I really should get back into writing but there is not enough inspiration for me to come up with a character or a story line that would suit my cravings enough to go on for very long. Thanks girls!
The world fell into war. It was the rich against the poor, brother fighting brother, the scared going into hiding, and no one could be happy. No one could feel safe. No one was safe. The people fell into two factions, the big against the small, in that the larger felt that they were justified in stuffing their faces, finding comfort in their food, and live a generally uncaring life in relation to their health and their bodies. The smaller felt that such beasts had no self respect, no pride, and that the stronger, would be smaller, toned, tiny, and beautiful.


In reality,, the large were very unhappy with their bodies, writhing in their fear of themselves. They could not change themselves, no matter how they tried. Most days they found enough strength to look past the mirror and tell themselves it was what was inside that counted. But what ate away at their insides would come to show on their outsides.
"I look fine."
"I can't lose weight."
"I am happy the way I am. I have to be."

The smaller were even unhappier with their bodies, small as they were, because they had all been larger at some point. They were scared of being associated with the big. They were scared of a pound of fat, of food, and more than anything, of themselves. They would build themselves up with goals and encouragements, but try as they might, they had as much success as the bigger people.
"Skinny is perfection."
"I will succeed."
"I am disgusting. I can do better than this."

Neither side could view the other, even as traitors would shift from side to side.

One of the little people grew trapped by her lifestyle and fell into agony. Each night she would be forced to eat, forced to gain, and soon she was shoved from the skinny's, and taken in by the bigger.
"It's alright Mia," They told her. "Bigger is better. You are beautiful just the way you are." But at the end of the day, each alone to face his or her body in the mirror, in bed, in their dreams, they could not be content. No matter what they said aloud, no matter what they tried to convince themselves, a nagging voice that each of them individually knew differently, would tell them what they were. They fought what they were, with all the might in their overworked hearts.

One of the big people became extremely depressed. Suddenly food held no comfort. It meant nothing, she tasted nothing. When she realized what it caused in her body, she started to weigh herself weekly, and then daily. She started to obsess about what she could and could not eat. Food was no longer something positive, it was a curse on the human body. One day, one of the big people offered her a snack, only to realize she was no longer a sister in fullness, but one in hunger. The smaller people took her in.
"Ana, you are beautiful." They told her. "Isn't being one of us wonderful?" And it was, but also it wasn't.

Between the two sides were those who tried to remain in peace with both sides, but found it difficult. They were never quite skinny enough to be accepted by the smaller people, but never rejected completely. They were never quite big enough to be able to call themselves big people either. One found she must choose a side, and threw herself into the war.
"You are fat," someone would tell her. "No one could ever love you. You make me sick."
"You aren't fat," someone else would say. "I think you are actually pretty small."
Which was correct, she could not know. But the taunts of the first always made her feel bad, and the comfort from the second never really rang true, nor did it take away the sting. She decided to start exercising.
"I want to be healthy," She would say. "I don't care if I am big or small, I just want to be healthy."

One day, a skinny fell ill. The other skinny's grew frantic with worry, but did not take it upon themselves to find the problem because they knew what it was. They were all afraid this would be their fate one day.
"Getting sick always makes you lose your appetite," one would offer. "You will be so skinny after this. Think of the cup as half full."
The skinny passed away, and her sisters were heartbroken. They turned to the bigger people and screamed out their agony.
"This is your fault! She didn't want to be like you. She listened in silence every day as you told her she wasn't good enough, could never be small enough. She bore the hatred of all of you jealous ones taunting her. She never had a mean bone in her body. She just wanted to be perfect..."
"That's what happens to skinny's," The large ones whispered as they turned their backs and hung their heads in self righteous pity. Some felt bad, but not bad enough to speak up, to offer condolences, or to own up to mistakes.

One day, a big one fell ill.
"Here eat something," one would say, bringing food. "You need to keep your strength up so you can heal faster." They worried, twisting their hands and eating their stress away, worrying it was something that they did not want to face, which only resulted in more stress. The big one passed away and all the big ones cried out their sorrows.
"This is your fault!" They shouted to the skinny ones. "She just wanted to be like you, but you could not encourage her. You told her she could never reach her dreams. She wanted to be tiny and beautiful, and only ended up eating herself to death. It is a hopeless dream for us to become like you skinny ones, so we tried to love ourselves as we are. We loved her. We cherished her. She was too young to die..."
"So was our Ana." There was a silence in the fighting as they both realized what had happened.
"They were both too young."

The pause in fighting was short lived, and the war went on for years. Blood was shed, as were too many tears. The food industry thrived on one front, and yet suffered on the other, but even the skinny ones needed food to survive, and the big ones needed food to fill the black whole which was their unhappiness. The small ones dealt with the black hole face to face, but found themselves crumbling under the weight of it.

After many, many years passes, the sides dwindled away and became mere towns instead of raging cities. The war had caused so much destruction, there was nothing left but the normal, neutral people who had to pick up after a war they had fought so hard to stay out of. They began to rebuild, but as one. It hadn't been battles or cruel attacks that had killed the factions off though. In all the fighting and unhappiness, they had just been hurting themselves. One by one the small ones either learned to become neutral to stay safe, or burrowed themselves too deep in their sorrows, eventually becoming lost in them. Some of the big ones finally pushed themselves to become healthy and removed themselves from a side, only to leave the rest to their own destruction.

The dead had taken to being too small or too large. They were not content, and were never happy. They destroyed themselves. They became their own greatest enemies. They became their own bullies, without standing up for themselves. They were never really fighting each other, just themselves.

This is what society has reduced itself to.
By the way and for those of you that hadn't realized this already, I have been making links to all of my thinspo pages at the bottom of the thinspo page. I may have missed earlier thinspo posts in this list, but all of my new ones are there.

























Yay for coca cola shirts. I have two now, but sadly neither of them looks like this...
Undies thinspo because putting these lovely pics in the shorts one felt like lying... That's OCD for you...



This one picture above^ I SOOOOOO need her body RIGHT NOW.











And while I'm at it, I need cuter undies...





Seriously need cuter undies... x.x
This is from someone who just discovered what lingerie is only a year ago. Less maybe.