Thursday, July 19, 2012

ROFL I had forgotten about the video K sent to my email a long time ago, of a video she took on her phone of H's finger and toenails being painted with the little stickers...
I miss those days when he would let me abuse him for kicks... but now I feel guilty for using his innocent self. Not his now self, but how he used to be...
Anyways, there's a laugh for all ya'all. :)
Ugh. I did my online application for a food card, hoping to not have to actually go down to the stupid place, then I did my phone interview only to be told by Consuela from family guy, "No get food card without pay stub. Actually, ask boss write you statement of hours per week and pay. We no give food card off only one pay stub. You bring it down here and once is processed, then we give you food card."
I know I am not brave enough to walk up to my boss and ask for that because she will ask why I want it and then she will say I need to wait until my next paycheck, because again- hours depend on you. The harder you work, the more hours you get. I suck at working while I'm at it. I can't do anything right.


And as a note on my earlier post, raise your eyebrows all you want. When you are constantly belittled and put down by a guy who not only has the right to say what he wants in his house, but has power over you just by having the brute force of a man, and you are so far out of control that he might as well be holding a whip in his hand and calling you slave girl... when a man plays the dominant role too long... and a woman gets a chance to take his most prized possession in her hands and lay him down to her will, there is nothing else that feels better than holding the bull end of the horn and saying what's what, because as long as you have control, he has NONE. He must smile and play nice because in order to get what he wants, he has to lay down his pride and- screw it. LOL do a blowjob or handjob yourself and you might understand. Thus, why there is a warning adult content beyond here HAHAHA. Wow, I am starting to feel the worthless whore part... Oh well...


The lady from the food card place just called me back. Apparently some guy, probably one of the managers from work confirmed my pay and so I can go and pick up my food card tomorrow morning and get $280 this months, which will count as $80 for this month and $200 for each month afterwords, for six months I believe. I get this month and next month's allowance on the card when I pick it up tomorrow, and then I get another $200 in September starting at $200 monthly if that makes sense. Now I just have to see if I can get someone to take me...
It was probably that one guy who is probably married and way too old for me but oh so adorable... Maybe not married... but probably has a girlfriend of two years or something... Eh it could have been the other manager- the blond douche bag whose tour of the back was, "This is the kitchen. Tour over." Lol but he did help me on sandwiches the other day.
Which reminds me. Friday is the busiest day and if they want me on sandwich station then they ARE SO FUCKED and so am I but jeez... brutal work...


I wish I could sleep but I doubt I will have time. I will more than likely crash near H when I get back, wanting to spend time near him and falling asleep and I only hope he will at least pet me before I conk out for a day. Even better, I hope I fall asleep on the bed so H's dad will let me have it for the night and K will have to sleep on the couch or floor for once the spoiled brat...On the bright side, I hope I am under 150 lbs again... did I mention I hit 149.7 yesterday? Idk if I did...


I am so off my rocker right now... wait that's for old people...


Oh god work x.x
I should feel dirty or used or something like a whore, and I know I will soon probably, but I don't. There is something so satisfying about having control in your hands, and watching the look of helplessness on a man's face as he loses control... Does that make me sick?
I also love his empty promises... because at least when he is making them he feels something...
I haven't slept today. Meh...
It's nearly eight in the morning though. Soon I can call about the food card and get that over with. Everyone else is fast asleep and I couldn't even start...
H was complaining about not being able to sleep so I offered him my only solution. Right after he was out like a light, just like I told him he'd be... LOL.


At least I can still make him laugh. That is probably the only thing that keeps me going in all seriousness. The fact that I stutter when I get angry enough, and mess up what I am saying when I am trying to be serious, and trip and knock into everything... And the way I watch his food like a dog when I want some, the way I go crazy when my head is petted (creepy I know >.<)... He likes those little quirks about me.
I think maybe the reason I like my head being pet and other things like that, is because it makes me feel like a child again. Completely unrelated to h or any relationship friend or otherwise with him, I think what I crave more than anything is to have my childhood back. Or to have another chance at it. My parents stole that from me a long time ago.
I don't remember what it feels like to be cherished, or to be held in someone's lap, or to have an adult's eyes solely on me as the ask questions and I answer them- with a smile.


Eh. This entire post is just wonky...
From dirty stuff to childhood... and that's how you know how tired I am...