Sunday, July 1, 2012

Going to bed in a few minutes. I'm scared I won't be able to sleep, which I know is exactly what keeps me up...
I'm stressed out because by day three I should know how to clean the burners but I still don't and I couldn't find any videos on it online.
Scared, nervous, haven't broken down yet and I am not in full panic mode yet. I am trying to teach myself to keep all work feelings inside work hours and relax otherwise. I'm not sure if it's working but I build myself up so much and then get through work without having died so... Besides, there is so much pressure on me that I can't panic, it literally cannot be an option. I think under this pressure perhaps I will hold up. I held up for quite a while doing what I had to around H to avoid the worst. My hands are shaking. They never stop shaking...
I have cramps and I always get those a few days before my period but I don't want to deal with cramps and period while working so I might take some ibuprofen. I took four earlier and I think it worked so here's hoping...
I need more hours. Fingers crossed girls.
H is going to treat me like shit for another few days at least, weeks maybe. I asked him if I could get back on the computer because today is my day off and I have a bed time so I can't just wait until he gets off. Then maybe I added a "smart ass" remark, like, "I'm sorry that I am asking you to be considerate" or something like that. Now he's pissed. He was mad that I asked him to get off anyways. Now I feel sick because if I have to put up with another few weeks of being completely ignored and him being angry with me and treating me like I am a worthless piece of shit... sigh. My heart is sinking and it's smashing in the pit of my stomach. Nothing seems fun all of a sudden and I just want to be away from here. I want to be done with everything. NOW I am starting to panic.
Sunny summer beach thinspo... dreamy innit?

I seriously though h was over me and I was getting over him and then he goes and gets to me again. I was so depressed yesterday I started crying again and he was asking whats wrong because I was turned with my back to him, not sobbing or making any sounds, just my eyes making waterfalls all over k's stuff...
So he tells me to talk and I said I didn't really want to but somehow I did anyways and then he pulls me in for a hug, practically picks me up like a baby and puts me in his lap with my head on his shoulder and just hugs me. Then I started crying harder and I told him it breaks my heart when I get hugs because I am terrified I won't ever get one again. He tells me I should ask and I told him I did ask, and really I used to.Then he told me he had thought I was joking, (he felt bad so of course he would lie to try and make me feel better...) and he has been nice to me since. He even slept next to me in the room last night and rolled around uncomfortable the entire time because I don't like sleeping alone. I think what had me crying was the complete estrangement I have felt here lately, and a complete lack of any physical contact, or even eye contact. He fed me a chocolate bar last night and a fry today. Didn't even ask if I wanted it, just stuffed it into my mouth. He keeps pulling me in for side hugs and things, and straining his foot to grab me with his ankles when I try to walk away from his chair and he's still talking to me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what I want now???
Sigh. 152.7 lbs. this morning.

the other day the boss lady was talking to another girl in front of me about black pants. i was wearing jeans and needed to get some black pants and the girl said maybe she could get me a pair and the boss lady looks at her and says, "uh uh no way. you're a tiny little thing. she would never fit."
and the girl was like "no my sister-(insert sister's name here)" and the boss nodded.
she said, "yeah, she is a bigger girl. that might work."
I never got them so idk if she even looked but i already have three new pairs of black pants that don't look like complete shit thanks to my mom.
i saw little girls in the playground while i was waiting for my shift. i sat on the park bench and just watched them play. they were tiny. their legs were really long and skinny, and i suddenly understood that my little sisters, 3 and 6 are overweight for toddlers. they will grow up and look like me. the little girls in the park would grow up and be like the tiny girls at work. just naturally. and i was thinking how, if i lost all that weight and looked like them, people would get angry with me and call me anorexic and say i am losing too much weight. but the little ass women at work, they are accepted because they have always been that size.
and I want to be tiny. not flat, tiny. their bones are little, and their bodies are skinny, but it looks fine because it is in proportion with their everything. if you have wider hips and the fat and skin is just stretched across it, you still aren't tiny, you're just flat. it's depressing.

Sorry for the bad grammar. It's something I wrote to one of my best friends in an email and felt I should share.