Friday, June 29, 2012

I literally want to puke. I am in full on panic mode right now. I have been panicking since I got off eight hours ago and it just gets worse and worse. I cried in front of H and I am so ashamed and I hate myself. I don't know how to do this.
I just wish it would go away and leave me alone. I already took a pill but I'm going to take another. I hate this.
My mom told me she would fully support me if I was still this anxious after a week or two and decided to quit. H says, "Don't quit." He must really want me gone. I just want to be held. I want to get a hug. I want to be loved and to lie in someone's arms and feel for just a moment that things are going to be okay but I am fucking alone in this world.
I hate my disorder. My mom sad when she worked fast food she didn't get like this, and another friend claimed the same. I am so different from everyone else. I just want to be normal. I want to go to work for a day, and then relax until my next shift. I ate a whole fucking ton today and I want to eat more but I can't. I can't I can't. I FUCKING CAN'T. The words keep ringing through my head for everything and I just want it to stop.
I can't do this.
I am not meant to work. I am meant to sit homeless and friendless and lifeless on the side of the road in a cardboard box!
PANIC PANIC PANIC FUCK THIS I HATE MY LIFE PANIC
I don't want to work the fryers tomorrow, because I know I CAN'T. I know my limits and that fucking crosses it and too soon at that. But I am going to go and fucking do it because H would hate me if I don't get  out of his damn life and I don't have one.
I WANT TO DIE.
I just keep getting this signal from him that I am not welcome. It's like, "Fucking work you bitch so that you can finally get your own place and stop living off of me and mine. You're a pain in my ass, I want you gone as soon as possible. Failing yourself, is failing me. No one likes you. You're not wanted. You are shit on the bottom of my shoes. You are pathetic and stupid and I only say otherwise when I don't want to look bad and to encourage you to get off my property." That's how I feel when I am around him.
I don't feel like I deserve this life because I am not made for it. When a piece of a machine does not fit, does not work, it is thrown away. So if I don't fit in with the world, if I am broken, what place do I have to be here?
The world is a brutal place, not a nice place. Imagine all you want. Fucking retarded whores like me who get scared when they have to serve fries DO NOT BELONG HERE.
I have never, do not, and will never FIT IN.
I do not belong here...
I am so stressed out it's ridiculous.
Fast food is not for anyone with high anxiety issues.
SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME IT GETS EASIER- AND DON'T LIE.
I was in there for three hours. Not just three hours, a whole fucking, whopping three hours. It was okay at first and I was thinking maybe I can do this. This isn't so hard. They had a second person helping me with training and it was a slow day. Then the second person starts to show me how to clean the fryers and one of the manager ladies yells that I should pay attention because I have to do it by myself tomorrow. So I try but I have three more people yelling at me to get more fries and chicken nuggets in. So by then I am slightly panicking, but when the lady tells me I can probably clock out then, and then springs it on me that I have to do it all by myself tomorrow, and tomorrow is a fast day, not a slow day like today.
So I leave and I think it's been quite a while but it's only been three hours. If my entire shift is three effing hours and I am stuck working this job and can only pay off rent and electric bills and have no life, because my weekend is just two days, not next to each other- on Sunday and Wednesday... God I hate my life.
So my dad drags me home after his work too because he sees me at the bus stop, and I am washing my shirt and then my mom is going to take me to a thrift store to buy black pants because they didn't tell me what I had to wear for pants and got in trouble. Also I need new shoes and a watch so I can effing tell what time it is in there.
I was sweating the entire time. It is not cool when you have to wipe your upper lip off on your sleeve in front of everyone so that it won't drip in the food. I also must add, I don't think I am ever going to eat there, or any other fast food place again. They get on your back about sanitation and then break the rules themselves. Seeing all that grease popping around and the odd chicken nugget or fry that is black and floating in the grease, and then the cleaning tools got set in the containers used to fry the food, but of course, even if the grease was hot enough to make it not matter... I like to see where my food gets made and make sure the pan is clean, the food is fresh, the utensils used to cook the food are clean, and then no one touches the effing food with their dirty ass germ covered hands.
As soon as I get back to the apartment I am going to pop an anxiety pill and try to nap. I am exhausted. I was telling my mom how stressed out I was and started crying in the kitchen at her house. I am frustrated, and not necessarily discouraged, but... I cannot quit, even if I had to. I need that job so bad, there is no way I can lose it. I have not even let myself think of not working because I know how vital it is for me to have a job right now. My mom said I could look for another job, while working, and somehow that increases my chances of being hired.
I am scared that I won't be able to keep up the pace though and they will either talk to me about it, or let me go, and that is a very real fear. My hands shook even when I wasn't nervous (wait, when am I not nervous?) and I feel that it might have affected my work. There are so many things I could say to encourage myself, like I just need to get past tomorrow and then I have a day off, but I don't think I can even do that. I can't think about it or I panic. I just need to go as it comes, and live in the moment. Avoid all thought of stressful situations...
Sigh.
One perk though, a girl "claimed" me as her friend I guess. She told the other girl that I was her friend first so she had to be nice to me lol. It's okay I guess. The girls there are so super skinny it makes me jealous. The guy who was helping me with the fryers today was kind of cute but I wouldn't pursue it. After a while I caught him in that moment when he was just staring with a stupid grin on my face, even if he never likes me at least he likes me. I don't want to get into any kind of relationship, especially a work one.
Worried as hell,
Venus

P.S. Send me lots of love please. I need it right now. x.x