Sunday, June 24, 2012

I am thinking of moving back to my parents house, and not just a light thought either. Please no comments on this one please, I think encouraging comments will actually push me in the other direction. I fear that my biggest fear of going back is really just not having H. And if and when I leave, H will never hear from me again. I need the strength to do that.
Also, I know that my depression is a black hole during the winter time. If I go back during the summer, will it end up being something that kills me? And I assure you, if I really want to die... well, I've come damn close twice. Those were halfhearted. This time, I am afraid nothing will stop me. I have actually felt that feeling, where the idea of no longer existing calms my heartbeat. I don't do it for attention, I do it for peace, and that is what scares me. So, I either stay here and make winter bearable, or chance it and go back home. I'm really not sure I want to chance that to be honest. But why is it that when I think of home I know I will not find a job, and yet I hope when I think of my future here? Rough thinking...
H is back.
I feel like I have been eating all day, but I think I am beginning to feel empty. As long as I can go to bed empty I know I haven't gained an obscene amount of weight- but one never knows.
H is being a bastard to me. Every time I convince myself to leave him alone because it isn't worth it, he comes and finds me and tickles me or scratches my back or pats my head... then all it takes is for me to look at him or smile and be happy, or move closer to him and he makes no eye contact and completely ignored me. I fucking hate it.
Now thank God he is away for a while. I ignored him while he told me I could say 'I told you so', because he admitted he shouldn't have gone to his friends' house because he ended up hurting his foot again. I won't say it. I never say I told you so and it won't do anything. I know him so well it isn't hard to be right half the time if not more. That isn't self confidence you are reading though, it's irritation.
R asked their dad to take him to Little Caesar's and bring H along. That means he is buying all of them food. I haven't seen R in a while. We don't communicate so I don't know if he is still holding a grudge against me, although for what, I'm not certain. There is no winning with that asshole either. Usually that would also end up with H staying at R's, but after H hurt his foot again at his friends' house, he would be wise to say no. However, he is a selfish guy, and if he really wants to hang out with his brother he will make excuses and find a way. Otherwise, he will say no because he has to "recover". There is no helping the poor bastard, he is just stupid. When it comes to book-smarts, that is the only place he will ever be a genius. Forgive me if that is cruel and mean but I feel that it is the truth.
H will not even give me a hug anymore. I am so sick of this manipulating of my emotions so that he can feel good about himself. Please someone offer me a job and a ticket to wherever you are.
I can't do this. You know that thing called breaking point? Well apparently there are several of them, followed each by extreme pain and suffering. I might now understand the creation of Hell.