Monday, June 4, 2012

He told me to leave but later he got nice again and said he took it back. He also made more promises. At least empty promises mean that something will change, if even for a little while. Empty promises mean that he actually thinks there needs to be change. I am just waiting until the next blow up. I still can't believes he told me that.
"Just leave. I don't want to deal with you anymore."
I will never be good enough.
He told me I was immature, that he felt like he was babysitting me.
I am so tired of him getting angry at me every single day. I wait for it in dread, this time it was in the morning, so now he will get angry with me in the afternoon too. I can't do anything right. How am I suppose to feel okay, ever, if everyone treats me like this? I want to die. I want to curl up and just die. I want to stop hearing so I don't have to hear what everyone is saying. I want to stop seeing so I can be blind to what is going on. I want to have my tongue cut off, so i don't have to react to the world. I am so terrified of failing. I am so terrified of not having friends.
The people who love me are so far away, and I cannot go where they are. What I need is out of my reach. I need kindness. I need love. I need someone to tell me it's okay to cry, not to tell me to leave the room before I even start. I want to have faith in myself. I want to feel valid. I want to be understood.
At the same time I want to be hated. I want cruel words to tell me what I really am. I want to be abused and hurt and forgotten, because that's what I feel that I deserve. I want to be beaten down until all the happiness, and the life, and the hope is gone from me permanently. I want to be at the lowest, so that I have no need to be better. I cannot reach what I want or need to achieve so I will go in the opposite direction.
I want to give up and give in. I am done. I am so sick of this.
I have nowhere else to go. I have to deal with this until I have a job, and I am too tired and too beaten down to properly search for one. I am going to be on the streets, but hopefully by then I won't care.